St Matthew

St Matthew

 Matthew, soldiers (2), people(2), Jesus, Pharisees (2), Ethiopian King, nun, Ethiopian soldier, Ethiopian cannibals

 
(Enter Matthew, Soldiers, people)

There once was a man named Matthew, also known as Levi.  Every day he would go door to door with 2 soldiers,  saying to people “Pay your taxes, or these thugs will break your legs!”
 
Sometimes people would fall on their knees and cry, and say “Please!  I already paid my taxes!”
 
Matthew would say “The Roman government needs more!  Pay again!”
 
So people would hand over their money, which Matthew would put into his own pocket, and say “This will pay for a big party tonight!”
 
The other people knew that he was doing this, so they would stick out their tongue or make faces at Matthew behind his back, but they made sure he never saw them.

(Exit People, enter Jesus)

One day while counting his money, and saying “Chaching!” Jesus walked by.  Jesus looked at Matthew and said “Come, follow me.”

To the astonishment of the guards, Matthew said “Ok!”, and jumped up, leaving his money behind!

(Exit soldiers)

 
Then Matthew said “Jesus, we should totally party at my house tonight!”

Jesus said “Sounds good!  B.Y.O.W!”  The W stood for water, but Jesus had plans for that.

 

(Enter people, Pharisees)

When the people heard that Jesus was going to eat at Matthews house, they were flabbergasted!  They twitched and spasmed and foamed at the mouth. They found some Pharisees and said  “Jesus is eating with that outcast, that sinner….”
 
 The Pharisees shook their head in disdain at Jesus, and wagged their fingers saying “Naughty naughty!”

But Jesus said “Doctors don’t go to healthy people, but to sick people.  I came for sinners not the righteous!”

Matthew said “Oh burn!  In your face!”  The Pharisees were gobsmacked.

(Exit People, Pharisees)

Matthew left his life of tax collecting, and continued to follow Christ.  Jesus died, and rose, and went to Heaven.  

(Exit Jesus) 

Then the Holy Spirit came down on Matthew, making him strong and bold!

Matthew travelled all over the place, telling people about Jesus.  He also wrote one of the gospels.

(Enter nun,  Ethiopian cannibals)

Eventually, Matthew ended up in Ethiopia, land of the cannibals.  The cannibals looked hungrily at Matthew, saying "we love foreign delicacies!"  But Matthew converted many Ethiopians, and baptized them.  One young lady became a nun!  

(Exit cannibals, enter Ethiopian King, Ethiopian soldiers)

But the king of the Ethiopians wanted to marry the young lady, who said “I can’t-  I am given to Christ.”

The King went into a rage, and pointed at Matthew yelling “Sorcerer!!!”  He ordered his soldiers to burn Matthew alive, as a sacrifice to his idols.  Matthew did die in the fire, but the idols were also destroyed.

St Matthew-  Pray for us!

 

 

Philip Neri

Philip, Donkey, people(2), men (3), jugglers (2),  singers(2), carnies(2) (carnies are people who work for the carnival)

(Enter Philip, donkey)

When Philip was a kid, he one day saw a donkey walking by with fruit on it’s back.  Philip jumped on the donkeys back, and they both fell into a cellar. The donkey brayed angrily,  and stomped off. Just before leaving the stage he said "Jackass."

The audience was stunned by the bad language, until they considered that the word jackass is in Pinocchio, Shakespeare, and the Bible, so they decided to let it go and not tell their parents.

(Exit Donkey)

Philip was a businessman, and said “I want to be rich some day!”.  But he would often go and pray in a crack in a mountain, and after one of his prayers he said “Instead of being Rich, I wanna be Holy!”

(Enter people, men)

So Philip became a priest.  Many people would come to him for confession, and a number of young men gathered to pray with him.  So many came that they had to build a special building called an Oratory for the men to pray in!

(Enter jugglers, singers, carnies)

Every year, there would be a carnival in town.  The audience sang the circus song- you know, the one from Madagascar where the Zebra keeps inserting the word afro. There would be jugglers, singers, and lots of carnies selling alcohol!  Each year at Carnival the men would all go and get drunk and do other bad things!

(exit jugglers, singers, people)

So Philip created a special pilgrimage on the day of Carnival.  Philip and the men would walk all day, and then by evening they would be too tired to be tempted!  When the carnies tried to sell them beer, the men would just fall asleep!

(exit carnies)

Philip always wanted to teach people not to take themselves so seriously.  One of the men was way too serious- so Philip made him stand and sing at breakfast. The man sang "I'm a little teapot", complete with all the actions.

Another priest gave a beautiful homily, saying "God made you special, and he loves you very much."  The audience were so stunned and moved, that they gave him a standing ovation, many wiping tears from their eyes.  The man said "Wasn't I wonderful Philip?

But Philip said "Yes, so wonderful in fact that you should give the exact same sermon every week for the next 6 weeks!"

But the man said "But Philip!  Everyone will think I only have one sermon!"

Philip said "Exactly. and you will learn to be humble."

But Philip needed to be humble himself!  His reputation for holiness grew, so he would wear ridiculous clothes, or shave ½ his beard off, so the audience would point and laugh at him.  Philip died at 80 years old.

St Philip Neri-   Pray for us!