St Olga

This is the most bizarre saint of the week yet.

Olga of Kiev

Olga, Igor, Sev, Drevlians (3), Mal, Soldiers (3), best men (3), 5000 Drevlians(3), villagers (3), birds (3)

(Enter Olga, Igor, and Sev)

Olga was married to a man named Igor.  They had a young son called Svyatoslav  (Sev- E- at –o-slav, but we’ll just call him “Sev”) Igor was the king of Kiev, and was very proud. He walked around striking handsome poses for everyone to admire. 

Olga said in her best Ukrainian accent, "Yes, yes, he is very handsome, and I love him dearly, but that's enough!  Igor, stop strutting like a peacock."

Suddenly Igor impersonated the hunchback Igor from Frankenstein and said, "Yes, master"

(Enter Drevlians)

Igor and Olga were Vikings. Their enemies, the Drevlians, were forest people. One day the Drevlians attacked, making sounds like forest animals as they did. They killed Igor.

(Exit Drevlians, Igor)

 Olga and Sev and all the soldiers mourned. Since Sev was only 3, and was not old enough to be king, Olga ruled instead. Sev remained by his mothers side, always reacting as a three year old to whatever she did.

(Enter Mal, Drevlians-  keep on opposite side of stage from Olga and Sev)

The prince of the Drevlians was a man named Mal. He pranced about, while the Drevlians flitted around him. Mal said, “Olga is very beautiful. If I married her, then I would be King of Kiev!”

So he sent his faithful Drevlians to Olga.

(Exit Mal, Enter soldiers)

The Drevlians said, “Olga, Prince Mal wants you to be his wife!”

But Olga said to her soldiers, “Bury these Drevlians alive!”  So the Drevlians were thrown into a pit, and buried alive, their screams slowly muffled by the piled dirt.

(Exit Drevlians)

Then Olga said to her soldiers, “Bring this message to Mal.  I agree to marry him. But he must send me his best men to escort me!”  The soldiers saluted and marched off.

(Enter Best Men)

When Mal's best men arrived, Olga said, “You gentlemen must be tired. Come, rest in this bathhouse!”

The men went into the Bathhouse, and said: "This is nice!"

But once they were inside the bathhouse, Olga locked the door, and her soldiers burned the building down!  All the best men died in the fire.

(Exit best men, enter 5000 Drevlians)

Now that all of the wisest Drevlians were dead, Olga invited the rest of the Drevlians to a mourning feast for her dead husband. 5000 came, and enjoyed the vodka very much. When the 5000 were drunk, Olga's soldiers killed them all.

(Exit 5000, enter villagers)

Then she sent her soldiers to the village of the Drevlians, to finish the job.  The villagers fell on their knees, and begged her for mercy, saying “We will give you furs and honey!”

She said, “Instead, I want 3 live pigeons and 3 live sparrows from every household”. 

(Enter birds)

The villagers thanked her for being so merciful, and brought her the birds.

Olga and her soldiers tied a piece of sulphur to each bird's leg, then let them go.  The birds flew back to their homes.  Once in their nests, the sulphur ignited the nests, and the whole village burned down at once, while the villagers wailed in despair.

(Exit birds)

After all this, Olga finally became a Christian-  and then she was way nicer, and her conversion resulted in the conversion of Russia!

Ukrainian Catholics honour her with a title that means "Equal to the Apostles".

St Olga, Equal to the Apostles, -  Pray for us!