St Raphael

St Raphael

Sarah (Make sure she’s pretty + funny!), men (4),  John, Simon, Seth, Asmodeus (As- moe-dee-us)(M), Tobias, Tobit, Raphael, bird (f), dog, fish

(Enter Sarah, men)

There once was a very beautiful girl named Sarah. She lived in a land called Media. She would walk around, batting her eyes, and flitting her hair back, and giggling in a flirty fashion.  When men saw her, they would say “Va va voom!”.  But Sarah would just giggle, and say “Oh, boys, you’re so sweet” tapping each one of them on the nose with her long and beautiful finger.

(Men leave the stage, enter John, Asmodeus on deck)

One day a man named John came to Sarah, got down on one knee, and said “Sarah, you are the epitome (e-pit-oh-me) of beauty and grace. Will you marry me?”

Sarah said “Of course!”

John stood to kiss her, but before he could, a crazy demon called Asmodeus came shrieking and howling out of nowhere and killed him! Then Asmodeus disappeared.

(Exit John, enter Simon, Asmodeus on deck)

Next a man called Simon came to Sarah, got down on one knee, and said “Do you know mouth to mouth resuscitation?  Because you took my breath away.  Will you marry me?”

Sarah said “Of course!”

Simon stood to kiss her, but before he could, a crazy demon called Asmodeus came shrieking and howling out of nowhere and killed him! Then Asmodeus disappeared.

(Exit Simon, enter Seth, Asmodeus on deck)

Next a man called Seth came to Sarah, got down on one knee and said “Was your father a thief? Cause he stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes!  Will you marry me?”

Sarah said “Of course!”

Seth stood to kiss her, but before he could, a crazy demon called Asmodeus came shrieking and howling out of nowhere and killed him! Then Asmodeus disappeared.

(Exit Seth, enter Men, Asmodeus on deck)

All the other men came, got down on one knee, and said “How you doin?”  but Asmodeus killed them all. Sarah was very sad.

Scene change!

(Exit Sarah, Men, Asmodeus,  enter Tobit, bird)

Meanwhile, in another place, a man named Tobit was sitting and praying, and looking up he saw a bird. The bird flew gracefully in the sky, and then it pooped, and the poop landed in Tobits eye!  Tobit stood and said “I am blinded by that birds poop!  Help me!”

(Enter Tobias)

Tobias was Tobits son, and he said “Here I am father- what can I do?”

Tobias said “If I am blind, we will soon be poor.  Go to Media, where I have money.”

(Enter Raphael)

Suddenly Raphael came and said “My name is Azariah, and I’m your relative”

The audience said “I thought his name was Raphael?”

Raphael said “Shhh!  I'm in disguise!”  Then to Tobias he said “I’ll go with you to Media, and protect you!”

(Exit Tobit, enter dog, fish)

As they were walking, with Tobias’ dog they stopped at a river, where a fish was swimming around, making fishy sounds.  Suddenly the fish jumped out of the water, and tried to eat Tobias’ foot.

Tobias screamed “Get it off!” while the dog ran in circles barking, and growling at the fish.

Raphael killed the fish with a club, and they sliced it open, removing its guts. Raphael said “Tobias, you should keep these- they may come in handy.”

(Exit fish, enter Sarah, Asmodeus on deck)

When they got to Media, Tobias saw Sarah, and he instantly fell in love.  He got down on one knee and said “Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night.”

Sarah said “Please!  Every man who tries to marry me gets killed by the evil demon Asmodeus!”

Just then Asmodeus appeared, and shrieking said “I’ll get you, and your little dog too!”

But Raphael said “Quick Tobias, the fish guts!”

Asmodeus shrieked in horror at the sight of the fish guts, and said “I’m melting, melting!” until he was nothing but a steaming puddle of ooze.

(Exit Asmodeus)

Sarah was so happy, that she and Tobias share a long and intimate kiss. They just kep smooching and smooching.  Finally Raphael said "Awkard!", and they stopped.

(Enter Tobit)

When they returned to Tobit, Raphael took the fish guts, and used them to heal Tobits’ eyes.   Tobit said “I can see!  It’s a miracle!  How did you do that?”

Raphael said “Because I am not really Azariah.  I am the great archangel Raphael!”

Sarah said “Raphael- are you a ninja turtle?”

Raphael said “No.  The ninja turtle was named after me.”

The crowd said “woah- déjà vu.”  This is because the same joke was used in the St Michael Archangel skit.

St Raphael is the patron saint of romance.

St Raphael- Pray for us!