St Lazarus

Lazarus, Mary, Martha, friends (2)  Jesus, disciples (2), servant, pharisees (2), Paul, Mother Mary, 

Part of this story is historical and recorded in the Bible, and part might be true but might just be myth. When I say "Now it's time for the mythological part!" everybody go 'doodly doodly' and wave your fingers.  

(Enter Lazarus, Mary, Martha, friends)

There was once a man named Lazarus, who lived with his sisters, Mary and Martha, in a town called Bethany.  They loved to party with their friends- especially Mary and Lazarus.  Martha usually just did all the work, making pizza bagels and mixing drinks.

(Enter Jesus, disciples)

But the best parties were when Jesus and his disciples came!  Everyone said "Hey!"  and "Welcome to the party!" And made jokes like "Great drinks, Martha, but get Jesus a glass of water and see what He can do!"

(Jesus, disciples go to far end of the stage, enter servant to Bethany end)

One day Lazarus said "I don't feel so good.  In fact, I think I'm dying!"

Martha said to the servant "Go get Jesus."

Everyone at the Bethany end froze like statues while the audience watched what happened where Jesus was.

So the servant ran all the way and said to Jesus, between gasps of breath "Jesus!  Your friend Lazarus is sick, and may be dying!"

But Jesus and the disciples were in the middle of a game of risk, so Jesus said "I'll come when this game is done."

The disciples said "If Lazarus is dying, don't you think we should go now?"

But Jesus said "Yeah right... and lose Australia?  Pass the red dice."

(Exit servant)

Four days later Jesus stood up and stretched and said "Maybe we should just take a photo of the game and come back to it."  Then he and the disciples sauntered over to Bethany.  

When they got there, the people in Bethany stopped being frozen, but Lazarus was already dead!

Mary and Martha and their friends were crying, and said "Why didn't you come sooner?"

But Jesus said "I am the resurrection and the life."

Martha said between sniffles  "I know my brother will rise on the last day..."

Jesus wept.

Then he said "Open the tomb!"

Martha said "Lazarus has been dead for 4 days!  There will be a stink!"

Mary said "He didn't even smell that good while he was alive!"

But they did as he said, and Jesus said "Lazarus come out!"

Lazarus stood up and walked out like a mummy!

Everyone was amazed!

Now it's time for the mythological part!  

(doodly, doodly)

(Exit Jesus, disciples, Mary, Martha, friends,  enter pharisees,)

Ever since Lazarus was raised by Jesus, the pharisees wanted him killed.  They gathered together and plotted his demise. 

Lazarus never smiled, because he said "Now I've seen Hell and how many people are there!"

(Enter Paul)

St Paul came to Lazarus and said "Let's go to Cyprus!"  So they linked arms and skipped to Cyprus, while the pharisees said "Drat, we missed him!"

(Exit Pharisees, enter Mother Mary)

In Cyprus, Paul said "You know, you'd make a great Bishop!"

Mother Mary said "Oooh, and I have just the outfit for you!" Then she put her home made bishop's outfit on him and said "Wow... you are one good looking Bishop!"

And so Lazarus became the bishop of Cyprus. Eventually he died for a second time, but this time he stayed dead.

St Clement

Clement, Linus, Cletus, Peter, Roman Guards (3), hooligans (3) prisoners (3) lamb

Clement used to hang out with his friends, Linus and Cletus, playing soccer in Rome. Being Italian, Clement corrected the narrator, saying "It's called Football!"  The Narrator corrected Clement back and said "The sport hasn't even been invented yet. Probably you were just kicking a gourd around."

(Enter Peter)

They were devoted followers of Peter, the apostle and bishop of Rome.

Linus said "Tell us again about the time you walked on water!"

The audience said "Yes, Peter, tell us!"

But Peter said "Some other time boys.  Right now I have to be martyred."

(Enter Roman Guards).

In marched 3 roman guards, who arrested Peter and nailed him to a cross.  Peter said "what an honour, to die like Jesus did!"

So the guards turned him upside down. Peter died, and was buried on a hill called Vatican outside of Rome.

(Peter leave)

The audience said "Now Linus is the Pope!"

Linus said "Good grief!" as the guards arrested him, and killed him.  He was buried beside Peter.

(Linus leave)

The audience said "Now Cletus is the Pope!"

Cletus said in best hillbilly voice "I will try to live up to the dignity of my name!"

But the roman guards arrested him and killed him too.  He was buried beside Linus.

(Cletus leave)

The audience said "Now Clement is Pope!"

Clement said "Guys, not so loud!  It didn't go so well for the previous 3 popes!"

But fortunately the guards didn't notice, because they were busy playing Croquet.

Clement said "Seriously?  Was croquet even invented yet?"

The narrator said "No, they were just hitting around a stuffed sheeps' bladder with sticks.  Now, stop interrupting."

(Enter hooligans)

Suddenly the sheep bladder hitting game was interrupted by a group of hooligans, behaving hooliganishly. The Roman Guards said "What is the meaning of this?"

The hooligans pointed at Clement and said "It's the Christians!  They're causing trouble!"

So the guards arrested Clement, and brought him to Crimea, to work in a marble-quarry.  Before Clement could ask, the narrator pointed out that the modern game of marbles was invented in the 1800's in Germany, although there is evidence that ancient Romans and Egyptians played similar games.  The audience nodded, appreciative of the valuable knowledge they were obtaining.

(Hooligans leave. Prisoners enter)

At the marble-quarry, Clement found the prisoners working hard with pickaxes, chopping at the rock. The prisoners were very tired and thirsty from their work. They said "If only there was a source of water that was less than 6 miles away!"

So Clement prayed and said "Dear God, please let me find water!"

(Enter lamb)

Suddenly he noticed a lamb pawing at the ground. Clement took his pickaxe and struck the spot the lamb had indicated, and water bubbled up!  He was so happy he kissed the lamb on the nose!

(Exit Lamb)

The prisoners rejoiced, saying "Yay!  From now on we will all be Christians like Clement!"

But one of the prisoners said "If only there was a source of vodka that was less than 12 miles away."

Clement said "Nice try."

So Clement and the prisoners continued their work, singing praise songs to Jesus as they did.

The roman guards looked at each other and said "Great, now all the prisoners are Christian!  Let's just kill Clement."

So they tied an anchor to Clements neck, and threw him into the Black Sea.

St Clement, Pope and Martyr-  Pray for us!

St Malachy

Malachy (Mal-a-k-eye), Pope Innocent II, Monks (3), abbot, barbarian hoard (5), more popes (5)

(enter monks, abbot, but not Malachy yet!)

Malachy lived in Ireland 900 years ago.  In those days the monks were under the leadership of an abbot who was very relaxed.  The monks would say, in their Irish accents "Abbot, is it time for prayers?" 

And the abbot would say "I don't care.  Don't bother.  Take a nap instead."

The monks would say "What if we all went off to the pub for a wee dram?"

And the abbot would say "I'm in!"  Then they would all get rip roaring drunk, and sing drinking songs about leprechauns.

(enter Malachy)

When Malachy became Bishop, he found the drunken men, and said "This is no way for men of the Church to behave!  Now smarten up!"  Then he took his Bishops Staff (crosier) in his hand, and he whacked the abbot with it.

The monks all smartened up and started chanting in Gregorian Chant.

(exit abbot, enter Barbarian hoard)

One day Malachy was trying to teach the monks a new chant about the importance of not laughing during prayer time. 

Suddenly, a barbarian hoard suddenly ran in, saying "get out Christians!"

  So Malachy and the monks ran away, but eventually they came back, and finding the barbarians drunk and dancing around bonfires, they baptized them and turned the Barbarians into Christians.

(Exit Barbarians, exit monks, enter Pope Innocent)

One day Malachy went to Rome to see the Pope, Pope Innocent II.  Pope Innocent said "Malachy, you're doing a great job."

Malachy knelt before the Pope , who placed 2 necklaces over Malachy's head, and said  "Take these as a sign of your great authority as an arch bishop!"

(Enter other popes)

Suddenly Malachy had a vision. In it he saw all the Popes who would ever be-  112 of them in total!

The Popes formed a congo line and did a little dance, while Malachy gave each one a nick name, saying things like "You are the Eclipse of the Sun!"  or "You are the glory of the Olives".  To the last Pope in line, Malachy said "You are Peter Romanus.  You will be the last Pope.  Then the world will end!"

The audience gasped, and the Popes congo lined their way off stage.  (Exit popes except Innocent) Only Pope Innocent II and Malachy were left. Pope Innocent II said "Malachy... let's not tell anyone else about your little vision, OK?"   And so it was written down but never published for 500 years.

Malachy died, and the stage was cleared, but the audience sat in rapt attention to hear what the narrator said next.

It is now 900 years since the days of Malachy. 111 popes have come and gone.  Pope Francis is number 112-  the last Pope in the prophecy!

The audience gasped and made impending doom music; " Dun, dun, dun.......!"

Afterwards, the narrator mentioned that it is largely believed that the prophecy is a hoax, written 500 years after Malachy.

So the prediction of Malachy was a load of Malarchy.

St Joseph

Joseph, Salome (f), children, Mary, Zechariah, Jesus, Herod, angel

In this account of the life of St Joseph, we will take heavily from sources other than the Bible.  Some of these accounts go back almost as far back as scripture itself, but we cannot be certain of their accuracy.

(Joseph, Salome and 6 kids on stage)

St Joseph was a carpenter.  He was young and strong, and when he used his saw, he would flex his arm.  The girls in the audience would say "ooh, la la!"

But Joseph was married to a woman named Salome. He and Salome had 6 children! He trained his children well in carpentry, and one by one his kids moved out into the audience to start their own families, sitting beside the person they had a crush on. (Allow for a moment of comedy, then settle everybody down.)

Then Salome died. Joseph got very old, 90 years old, but stayed healthy!

(Zechariah enter)

One day a man named Zechariah came to Joseph and said "Joseph, I know that you are an old widower, and that you are an upright man.  Will you marry one of the girls from the temple to keep her honour?"

Joseph said "How old is she?"

Zechariah said "14."  then broke into a coughing fit.

The audience said "Creepy!"

But Joseph turned to the audience and said "The girls is a committed virgin-  I'm just gonna look after her, and make sure she gets taken care of."  Then, under his breath, he muttered "jerks".

To Zechariah he said "Of course I will."

(Zechariah leave, Mary Enter)

When Mary saw Joseph, she threw her arms around him and said "yay!  Thanks for marrying me!  I promise to be a good wife!"

But then a few months later Mary came and said "I'm pregnant."

Joseph said "What?  But you said..."

Mary said "I know, but an angel appeared to me, and the Holy Spirit came down on me, and one thing led to another..."

Joseph said "Um, so the father is God? Just give me some time to think."

(Mary leave, angel enter)

An angel appeared to Joseph and said "Don't be afraid to take Mary as your wife.  She's legit"  Then the angel disappeared.

Then the angel reappeared and said "Oh yeah-  name the baby Jesus"  Then the angel disappeared again.

(Mary and Zechariah enters.)

So Joseph married Mary, and this made Mary merry.  Zechariah said "I now pronounce you man and wife.  You may kiss the bride."

Joseph puckered up, but Mary said "No you may not... remember?"

Joseph said "awww."

(Zechariah leave)

One day Joseph and Mary went to Bethlehem, and Joseph brought Mary to a stable to have a baby, saying "Good thing you're in stable condition."

Mary gave birth to a baby, and they named him Jesus.

But while Mary was holding Jesus in her lap, and tickling his chin, saying "coochie-coochie-coo", an angel appeared to Joseph again saying "King Herod wants to kill your baby!  Run away to Egypt"

So Joesph picked up baby Jesus, and ran holding Jesus with Mary to Egypt, while a maniacal Herod ran in saying "kill all the babies!"   Then Herod died.

While Mary, Jesus and Joseph were learning to walk like Egyptians, and Angel appeared to Joseph and said "Ok, you're good.  You can go back now!"

Joseph raised Jesus until he was 21 years old-  then, when Joseph was 111, the angel came and threw Joseph over his shoulder and took him to Heaven.

St Joseph-  pray for us!

Pier Giorgio Frassati

Pier Giorgio, Dad, Mom, Sister, friends, fascists (3), communists (2), police (2), poor(2), sick (2)

(Enter Pier, mom, dad, sister)

Pier Giorgio was born into a wealthy family in Turin in 1901.  He lived with his mom and dad and sister.  His dad owned and published an important newspaper, called La Stampa. His father said "Pier, it always important to speak the truth, no matter how unpopular it may be!"

(exit mom and dad and sister, enter friends)

When Pier was a teenager, he loved hanging out with his sister and his friends.  They would climb mountains together, go camping, and play pool.  But sometimes his friends would say "C'mon, Pier, let's go play pool!"  And Pier would say "Wait, I haven't had my prayer time yet!"

(Enter poor)

Other times, Pier and his friends would be waiting for the train, when poor people came and asked for money.  Pier would always give them what he had. His friends would say "Pier-  you need that money for the train!"  

But Pier would say "It's OK-  I'll just run home."  So Pier would run all the way home.  

(Exit friends, enter mom and dad)

He'd get home breathless, and his parents would say "Pier, stop giving your money away and praying every day.  I hope you don't become a priest or something!"

(exit mom and dad)

When Pier was done school, he went on to University to study Engineering.  Pier was so good looking, that all the girls in the audience said "He's so dreamy", and giggled.  

(Enter Fascists and Communists and friends)

But Italy was splitting into different factions.  Communists and Fascists (later known as Nazis) would fight in the streets.  

Pier and his friends said "We don't want to be part of either group!  We will form our own group, called "The Sinister ones!"  And they spent their time pulling practical jokes on each other.

(Exit communists, friends. Enter mom, dad, sister)

But the Fascists did not like Pier or the stuff that his dad wrote in the paper.  One night they broke into his house, and attacked his dad.  His mom cried, and his sister screamed.  But Pier beat the tar out of the fascists and chased them away!

(Exit fascists, mom, dad, sister, enter friends, police)

Another time Pier and his friends were part of a protest organized by the Church.  The Police came to break up the protest.  The police pulled out clubs, and started beating and arresting people who would not listen. They yelled "Go Home!"   

But Pier stood his ground, saying "You want peace?  Work for justice!" 

Pier and his friends were arrested, and thrown into prison. The Police said "What is your name?"  

Pier said "Pier Giorgio Frassati"

The police said "Frassati?  I'm sorry, we didn't know how important you were!  Please, come with us sir, and we will give you a better place to stay!"

But Pier said "No. I will stay with my friends."

(Exit police, enter poor, sick)

When Pier got out of jail, he spent so much time with the poor and the sick, looking after them, that his parents and friends would often say "C'mon Pier!  It's unbecoming of a rich man!"

Pier eventually got an illness from the sick he looked after, and he died when he was only 24 years old. 

At his funeral, not only did the rich and his family come, but thousands of poor and sick people, who all said "This guy was a real saint".

St Pier Giorgio Frassati-  Pray for us!

Joseph of Cupertino

Joseph, Jesus, angels (2), bullies (3), monks (3), inquisition (2), horses (2)

(Enter Joseph, Jesus and Angels on deck)

There once was a man named Joseph.  When Joseph was a kid, he used to pray regularly, and on occasion he would experience something called an “Ecstasy”.  When this happened, he would see visions of Jesus or Angels!  He would become still and smile a big silly smile!

(Enter Bullies)

The school bullies would see Joseph, but not the visions, so they would make fun of him. They would say mean things like “Hey stupid, what are you looking at?”  and “I think he sees visitors from the sky” and “run, Forrest, run!”

(Exit bullies. Jesus and angels, enter monks, horses)

When Joseph got older, he really wanted to be a priest, so he went to the monks, who were busy practicing their monkish singing.  But the monks said “He’s too dumb-  he can’t be a priest!”  Joseph got down on his knees and begged the monks, saying “Please, just let me take care of the horses!” 

So Joseph spent his time feeding the horses.  The horses whinnied with delight as Joseph stroked their mains and patted them on the necks, and they licked the sugar out of his hand.  But the monks said  "Let him write a few tests to see if he could become a priest".  Everyone was shocked when he passed the tests!

(Exit horses)

So Joseph became a priest, and started saying Mass.  But sometimes during Mass he would go into a trance of ecstasy.  Then he started doing something new.  While in his trance he would start hovering off the ground!  The monks would snap him out of it, by yelling at him and waving in front of his face and he would fall back to the ground!

Some of the monks said  “He must be a saint!”

But other monks said “This is witchcraft!”

(Enter the Inquisition)

So they called in the inquisition.

The audience said "No one expects the inquisition!"

The adults in the room chuckled softly, but no one else did because they didn't get the joke.

 The inquisition were men who made sure that everyone believed what the Catholic Church taught. They walked around with their noses up in the air, looking down at everyone and looking for opportunities to judge people. They had big evil eyes, and they stared at everyone with them. Sometimes they were evil, and forced people to say the right answer, on the pain of torture or death!

They cornered Joseph, and asked him tough questions, like "If God can do anything, can He make a wall that He can't climb over?"  and "why do you drive on a parkway but park in a driveway?" and "why were the first two people who saw superman so excited about a bird or a plane?"

Because Joseph was so dumb, he could not answer their questions, so he just said "I don't know".  But the Inquisitors were astounded!  They said "He's right! I guess this means we don't get to torture him."

The crowd was very disappointed. They said "awe, shucks!"

Still, to stop Joseph from flying, they chained him down.  But then while praying, Joseph went into a trance and broke the chains and began flying, and this time all the monks and all the inquisitors saw it, and they were flabbergasted!

Eventually the Church realized that Joseph was a saint.  He is the patron saint of Pilots and astronauts.

St Joseph Cupertino-  Pray for us!

Abraham

Abraham, Sarah, God, Hagar, Ishmael, Isaac, Goat

Disclaimer-  Abraham is not typically considered a saint, since he lived and died before Jesus, but he is probably in Heaven so that would make him a saint anyway!

(Enter Abraham and Sarah)

There once was a man named Abraham.  He was married to a woman named Sarah.  Sarah and Abraham were very much in love, and they would spend hour looking lovingly into each other’s eyes.  But Sarah was old, and she had never had a baby.  She was so upset about this that she cried and cried. 

(Enter God)

One day God appeared to Abraham.  The crowd sang "Alleluia".

Abraham worshiped God in fear.  God said “If you obey me,  I will make you a Father of many nations. Now take your family, and leave this place for another land.”

(Exit God)

So Abraham did as he was told.  Holding hands, Abraham and Sarah skipped all the way to the Land of Canaan.  But still, no baby came. One day Sarah said Abraham, I’m never gonna have a baby.  You might as well have a baby with my servant Hagar.”

Abraham said “I could never be unfaithful to you Sarah!”

(Enter Hagar)

 But when he saw Hagar, who flipped her hair gorgeously, he said “Vavavoom!” and took Hagars hand and skipped away!

(Enter Ishmael)

So Hagar had a baby, and named him Ishmael.

(Enter God)

But God said “That’s not what I meant!  Sarah will have the baby herself!”

Sarah laughed because she thought that was ridiculous.

(God exit, enter Isaac)

But eventually Sarah did have a baby, and named him Isaac. Abraham was 100 years old!

Hagar would all get up in Sarah’s grill, saying things like “Ishmael was born first, so he’s gonna inherit everything”  And she would snap three times to indicate her bad attitude.

So Sarah went to Abraham and said “Hagar’s being mean.  Send her away.”

So Abraham said “Hagar, your services are no longer required. Please leave.”

Hagar and Ishmael left, very sad.

(Exit Hagar and Ishmael, exit Sarah, enter God)

But God said “Don’t worry, Abraham, I’ll take care of Ishmael. But his descendants and Isaacs descendants will never get along!  Now, take your son Isaac, and kill him on an altar as a sacrifice to me!”

Abraham was all “What?”

God said “C’mon, everybody is doing it! Can’t you worship me the way everyone else worships their Gods?”

(Exit God)

So Abraham took Isaac up Mount Moriah, and built an altar, and tied Isaac up, and laid him on the altar, and was about to kill him when God reappeared and said “Wait!  Don’t kill him!  Kill this goat instead!”

(Enter goat, baaing, with horns stuck in a bush)

And Abraham saw a goat, and killed it, and he and Isaac ate the meat.  Then Abraham said “God , that was messed up. “

God said “Don’t worry-  it’ll make sense in about 2000 years!”  

"St" Abraham-  pray for us!

St Peter

St Peter

Simon (Peter), James, John, Andrew, Jesus, Roman Soldiers (2), servant girl, Mary Magdalene, Holy Spirit

(Enter  Simon Peter, James and John)

There once was a man named Simon, who was fishing with his friends James and John. They were in the boat, throwing their nets over, trying to catch fish, but they weren’t catching any. 

(Enter Andrew, Jesus)

Suddenly, Simon’s brother Andrew ran up and said “Simon!  We found the Messiah!”  Then he pointed at Jesus.

Then Jesus said “Did you catch any fish?”

Simon said “No, we’re packing it in.”

Jesus said “Throw your nets over one more time.”

James said “That stupid carpenter thinks he can teach us how to fish?”

Simon said “Whatever, let’s do what he says.”

So they threw the net over, because everyone does what Simon says.  This time it was so full of fish they couldn’t lift it out!

So Peter and James and John and Andrew all said “Jesus we will follow you anywhere you go!”

Jesus said “Even if they kill me?”

Simon said “You bet!”

Jesus said “Deal.”  Then they all did their secret apostle handshake.  Then they all followed Jesus, singing “Following the leader, the leader, the leader” as Jesus wandered all over the place.

One day Jesus asked them “Who do you think I am?”

John said “A prophet!”

Andrew said “John the Baptist back from the dead!”

James said “A good teacher and a snazzy dresser!”

Simon said “You are the son of God, the Messiah!”

Jesus said “You’re right, Simon!  But you didn’t guess that on your own- the Holy Spirit told you. From now on we’ll call you Peter, which means Rock.  Because you Rock, and on this rock I will build my Church.”

Peter said “Rock on!” and tried to get a high five for his joke, but no one would give him one.

Then Jesus said “Well, being the Messiah isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  Now I have to go get crucified!”

Peter said “I’ll come!” 

(Enter Roman Soldiers)

But when Roman Soldiers came to arrest Jesus, Peter went and hid.

(Exit James, John, Andrew. Enter Servant girl)

A servant girl saw him hiding, and said “Hey- aren’t you friends with Jesus?”

Peter said “no… never heard of him.”

The girl said “yes” Peter said “No” she said “Yes” he said “No”.  Then Jesus walked by shaking his head sadly.  Peter went off and cried.

(Exit servant girl, Roman Soldiers, Jesus.  Enter John, James, Andrew)

Later all the apostles were together again, and John was saying.  “It was awful-  I saw him die!”

(Enter Mary Magdalene)

Suddenly Mary Magdalene ran into the room and said “Jesus is alive!” 

(Enter Jesus)

Jesus appeared and said “Peter, do you love me”?

Peter said “yes”.

So Jesus said “Then be the first Pope.”  Then he flew away to Heaven.

(Exit Jesus. enter Holy Spirit)

Peter was still scared, but the Holy Spirit came and rested on him, which made him strong, so Peter said “from now on, I will not be afraid to tell everyone about Jesus!”

(Exit Holy Spirit)

So Peter and the apostles went everywhere, telling everyone about Jesus. 

(Enter Roman Soldiers)

One day Roman soldiers arrested Peter, saying “You are not allowed to tell people about Jesus.  For disobeying me, you are sentenced to be crucified.”

Peter said “Jesus himself was crucified!  What an honour!”

So the roman said “In that case, we’ll crucify you upside down.”

And so Peter was crucified upside down. He screamed in agony and died.