St Athanasius

 Cast- Athanasius, friends (3), Bishop Alexander, Arius, Emperor Constantine, Bishops (2)

St Athanasius was an important Bishop who argued for and helped early Christians understand the idea that God is a Trinity, which most Christians still believe to this day.

(Enter Athanasius, Friends)

There once was a boy named Athanasius, who lived in Alexandria, Egypt.  Being an Egyptian, Athanasius walked like an Egyptian, while the audience sang the song “Walk like an Egyptian”.  One day while playing with his friends, Athanasius was pretending to be a Bishop, and was dunking his friends under water, saying “I baptize you, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”

(Enter Bishop Alexander)

Bishop Alexander saw their game, and laughed, and said “Congratulations!  You just baptized them for real! Now you are all Christians!”   Then the Bishop took Athanaisus aside and said “I think you should become a priest!” (friends leave the stage.)

So Athanasius became a priest, lying on his face in front of the Bishop for his ordination.  Everyone cheered! Eventually he even became a Bishop! Bishop Alexander gave him a high five, saying "What up, Bish?"

(Exit Bishop Alexander, Enter Arius)

But there was another guy in town called Arius.  Arius told everyone “Jesus is not really God, you know. He was made by God.”

Athanasius said “Nu-uh, he is God!”

Arius “Is not”

Athanasius “Is so!”

(Enter Constantine) 

This went on for some time, with Arius repeating “not- not- not” and Athanasius repeating “So-so-so” until finally Emperor Constantine said “Enough! Let’s get all the bishops together in Nicea to solve this problem.”

“Nicea?”  Athanasius said “I hear it’s Nicea there this time of year!”  Then he he tried to get a high five for his pun, but no one gave him one.

(Enter Bishops)

At the council of Nicea, all the bishops agreed that the Trinity is real, saying together "We Believe that Jesus is God from God, Light from Light, True God from True God, Consubstantial with the Father, Begotten not made."

But Arius was mad. He held his breath and turned red until smoke came out his ears.  He said to Constantine “Athanasius is being a bully, and he’s hogging all of Egypts grain.” 

So Constantine said “Athanasius, stop being a bully.  For that you are banished.”  So Athanasius sadly walked off the stage.

But then everyone else walked off the stage, and since Athanasius is our main character, there was an awkward moment where no one was on stage.

So Athanasius came back on stage, but the emperor came back and said “Nope… still banished.” And Athanasius left again.

This went on for some time, with Athanasius coming back on the stage and getting kicked off again by the emperor.  Finally the emperor let him stay, and Athanasius said “Can’t we all just get along?”

Moved by his plea, Arius came and hugged Athanasius, and then all the bishops and even the emperor joined in a big group hug.

St Athanasius-   Pray for us!

Francis of Assisi

Francis of Assisi

Francis (Francesco), dad, Bishop, Lepers (2), friends (2), girls (2), the enemy (2), crucifix, Poor (2)

(Enter Francesco, friends, girls)

There once was a rich young man named Francesco.  Francesco loved to party with his friends.  They would dance and drink and be raucous.

And the girls would swoon when they saw Francesco!  They would say “He’s so cute!” and “Such a snazzy dresser.”

Francesco would strut around like a peacock, saying “Flaunt it if you got it!”  And the girls would giggle.
(Exit Girls.  Enter Lepers)

But Francesco hated lepers.  Lepers were people who had a disease that made their skin rot while they were still alive. They smelled bad, and pieces of them would fall off. The audience would point at them and say "Ewww" and put "L"s on their foreheads and say "Leper!".  The Lepers would just be sad and lonely.

Francesco would make fun of them with his friends, saying “What do you call 5 lepers in a hottub?  Porridge!”  And they would all laugh.

But if any of the lepers came too close, asking for money,  Francesco would freak out and say “Aaaah!  It’s the zombie apocalypse!”  And he would run away.

(Exit Lepers, enter the enemy)

One day there was a war with a neighboring city.  Francesco and his friends rode off to fight the enemy.  They fought a sword fight, but  Francesco was captured and thrown in jail, and guarded by his enemies.

(Exit Friends)
 While in jail, he started reading the Bible.  In the Bible he read that Jesus told his disciples that they should give everything they had away.  Francesco exclaimed loudly "Now I know what I must do!"  Eventually his enemies let him out of jail.

(Exit enemies, enter poor, lepers)

So when Francesco came home, he went into his Fathers clothing store, and started giving away all of the clothes to the poor!  Even lepers came in to the store for the handouts.  Francesco threw up in his mouth a little bit, but instead of running away screaming, he gave the lepers clothes and even kissed them!

(Enter Father, exit lepers, poor)

His dad was furious!  He yelled “Who do you think you are giving all of our stuff away?”  

Francesco said. "Jesus told me to.”  

His dad said “Oh yeah? Well tell it to the bishop!”

(Enter Bishop)

So they went to the bishop, and the dad said “The thing is, it’s not even Francesco’s stuff to give away!  Everything he owns is mine!”

At that Francesco took off all his clothes, and said “Then I have nothing of yours anymore.”  The crowd got a little rowdy for a moment, but the Bishop covered Francesco with his own cloak. The Bishop gave Francesco a church to live in, and a plain brown robe.

(Exit Bishop, enter crucifix))

 In the church one day while praying in front of the crucifix, the statue of Jesus opened his eyes and said “Francis, rebuild my Church.”

(Exit Crucifix, enter friends, girls)

Eventually, all of Francesco’s friends gave all of their clothes and stuff away, and came to join Francesco.  Even the girls started their own convent. Within a few years, thousand of rich people had done this, and they known as the Franciscans.

St Francis-  Pray for us!

Bakhita

Bakhita, family (3), Slave traders (2), Arab man, Arab daughters (2), Italian Family (4), Nuns (3), young man

(Enter Bakhita, Family, slave traders)

Josephine Bakhita was born into a good family in Sudan in 1869.  She used to play with her brothers and sisters, and eat good meals, and was always happy.  Then one day when she was nine she was kidnapped by Arab Slave traders! (Exit family)

They made her walk very far,  and treated her badly, whipping her and beating her.  So badly in fact that eventually she forgot her name!  So she started to go by the name “Bakhita”, which is Arabic for “Lucky”.  The slave traders even forced her to become Muslim, saying “Become Muslim or we will kill you!”

(Enter Arab family)

One day she was sold to a very Wealthy Arab man.  The Arab Man stroked his beard as he looked Bakhita up and down. He said “Yes, you will do nicely! You will be the servant to my daughters.”  

Bakhita just nodded, as she had no choice, and the Arab man gave money to the slave traders.  The Slave Traders shook hand with the Arab Man, and congratulated themselves, saying “we make good money and we do good work! Let’s go kidnap more people!”

Then they left skipping and singing.  

(Exit slave traders)

 At first the Arab Family treated Bakhita well, but then one day she accidentally broke a vase.  The two daughters gasped and pointed fingers of accusation at her. The Arab man was outraged! he yelled “You no good slave!”  Then he kicked her so hard that she could not move.  

Then the girls began to whip her. Finally, they drew a pattern on her skin in flour, then traced the pattern with a razor, then poured salt into the pattern so that it would leave permanent scars.  Bakhita cried because of the great pain!

But the girls stood back and admired their artwork, saying “It’s so beautiful!”

(Enter Italian family)

One day an Italian Family came by, squabbling as they walked. They gestured dramatically with their hands, and said things like “mama mia!” and “I want a gelato” and “Silenzio Bruno!”.

The Arab man said “Hey guys, wanna buy a slave?”

The Arab girls said “We decorated her for you!”

One of the Italians said “Mama mia! She is the Ferrari of slaves!”

So they bought her.

(Exit Arab Family)

The Italian man said (in his best Italian accent) “Bakhita, you will come with me to Italy, and look after my kids. You will be their nanny!”  The Italians treated her very well. One of the girls, named Michelle said “Would you like some gelato?”

The Italian man said “Baklhita, I want you to take Michelle to the convent for a few days, to see if she would like to become a nun.”

Bakhita smiled and said “Yes sir.”

(Enter Nuns) When it was time to leave the Italian man said “Ok, Bakhita, come on now!  we are going back to Sudan!”

But Bakhita said “No! Please, I want to be a nun!”  And she clung tightly to the nuns.

The man said “Bakhita, you are our slave, and you cannot choose that. Come on.”

But one of the nuns said “Slavery is illegal in Italy, and in Sudan, so you can’t have any slaves.   She is free to make her own choice!” 

So the Italian family left, and Bakhita was welcomed to join the nuns!  Bakhita and the Nuns danced happily, while the Italian family left.

(Exit Italian family)

When she became a Catholic, she took the name “Josephine” and so became known as Sister Josephine Bakhita. She soon had a reputation for being holy! 

(Enter young man)

 When a young man once asked her “What would you do if you met your captors again?”  she said “I would kneel at their feet and kiss their hands, because if it were not for them I would never have become Catholic!”

In her old age, Bakhita was confined to a wheelchair.  But she remained cheerful, even when sick.  The last thing she ever said was “I am so happy-  Our Lady, Our Lady!”  Then she died.

St Josephine Bakhita-

Pray for us!

Maximilian Kolbe

Maximilian Kolbe

Maximilian, mom, dad, Russian soldiers (2), Mary, Free Masons (2), Nazis (2), Jews (3), Priests (2), escaping prisoner, crying prisoner

(Enter Max, Mom, dad) on stage)

When  Maximilian was 10 years old, living in Poland, he was eating dinner with his mom and dad, when they heard a knock at the door.  

(Enter Russian Soldiers)

They opened the door, and 2 Russian soldiers walked in. Speaking to Maximilian’s dad, in ridiculous Russian accents, they said “You are under arrest for fighting for the freedom of Poland against Russia.”

Maximilian’s dad was brought out, and was hung to death.  (mom, dad, soldiers leave stage)

Maximilian cried about losing his dad, and while he was praying he said to God “What do you want from me?  What will become of me?”

(Enter Mary)

Suddenly, Mary appeared to him. In her hands she held 2 crowns, a red one and a white one.  Mary said “Choose your crown.  The red one is martyrdom, meaning you will die for your faith.  The white one is purity, meaning you will be celibate.”

Maximilian said “I choose both.” 

(Exit Mary, enter Free Masons)

When Maximilian grew up, he became a priest.  One day in Rome he saw a protest by Free Masons, a group of men who hated the Catholic Church. They raised banners at the Vatican that mocked the Church. They made moose antlers with their hands and said "Nanana booboo. The church is weak and nasty!"

Maximilian said “We need to create our own little army that fights for the Church!”

(Exit Freemasons)

So when he got back to Poland, he started a magazine to get Catholic information and ideas out. Maximillian declared "I will call my magazine Rycerz Niepokalanej!"

The audience yelled "What?"

Maximillian repeated "Rycerz Niepokalanej!"

The audience yelled "What?"

Maximillian shook his head and said "It's Polish for "The Knight of the Immaculata""

The audience nodded and said "Oh!"

But some audience members said "I still don't know what that means.

(Enter Nazis, Jews, Priests)

But those were the days of the rise of the Nazis. The audience booed. Nazi soldiers marched around, doing the Hitler salute, and yelling at people in German. They invaded Poland. The Jews and Priests were terrified

Maximilian wrote an article in his newspaper that said “Nazis are bad guys. Go back to Germany.” So the Nazis arrested him, along with many Jews and other priests, and sent them to a concentration camp.

(Enter escaping prisoner and crying prisoner)

In the death camp, the Jews, priests, Maximilian and the other prisoners had to work very hard, while the Nazis bossed them around. They knew that eventually they would be killed. One of the prisoners managed to escape while the Nazis weren't looking. (escaping prisoner leave stage like secret agent)

 The Nazis made the prisoners stand in front of them, and said “Because one prisoner escaped, 10 of you will be starved to death.” Then he counted off 10 prisoners, not including Maximilian, and said “Follow me.”

One of the prisoners began to cry, and said “Please, not me! I have a wife and kids!”

Maximilian stepped forward and said “Pick me instead. I’m a priest, I don’t have a wife.”

So the Nazi said “Fine.” (Crying prisoner leave the stage)

The selected prisoners were locked into a room, where they were given no food or water. Maximilian led them in singing praise songs to God, like "My Lighthouse" and "Jesus loves me this I know".  One by one they died. Last of all, Maximilian was still alive, so the Nazi said “We need this room. Since you are taking too long to die, we will have to inject you with carbolic acid.” 

So Maximilian was given the needle and he died. 

Maximilian Kolbe-  pray for us.

St Faustina

Faustina( F-aw-stee-na) , Natalia, dancers, Jesus, 1st group of Nuns (2), 2^nd group of nuns (2), 3^rd group of nuns (2), artist, Angel, People in the vision

St Faustina

St Faustina was a polish nun who had many visions, and her diary has become an inspiration to Catholics all over the world.  Among her visions were visions about Heaven, Hell and Purgatory

(Enter Faustina, Natalia, Dancers)

There once was a young girl named Faustina.  One day she went to a dance with her sister, Natalia.  Everyone was dancing the disco.  When Faustina started dancing, the others stopped, and clapped to the beat, saying "Go Fausty, go Fausty go."  Faustina showed everyone her sweet breakdancing moves.

But suddenly it looked to Faustina like everyone else froze!  (Enter Jesus) Faustina suddenly saw a vision of Jesus dying on the cross. Faustina stopped dancing immediately.  Jesus said “Faustina, I want you to become a nun!”  Then he disapeared.  

Faustina's friends said "Hey Fausty, show us some more sweet moves!"

But Faustina said "I'm sorry, but I have to go!"

(Exit Friends, sister.  Enter first group of nuns.)

So Faustina went home, packed her bags, and went to Warsaw.  When she came to a convent and asked to become a nun, the nuns said “No.”

 (1^st group of nuns leave the stage, enter 2nd group of nuns)

 She went to another convent, but the nuns said “no.”

(Exit second group of nuns, enter 3rd group)

Finally she found a convent where the nuns said  “Ok, fine.  Get to work” and made her their servant. 

 She had to wash floors and clean up after the other nuns.

(Enter Jesus)

In the convent, Faustina had another vision of Jesus.  Once more the other people on stage became like statues. Jesus said "You need to pray for mercy.  Say 'For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world'."

Faustina said "For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world."

Jesus said “Great, now say that 50 times every day for the rest of your life!  Get a picture of me painted."

(Exit Jesus, Nuns, enter Artist)

So she told an artists what Jesus looked like, and the artists painted him.  

(Exit Artist, enter Angel)

One day in a vision, an angel appeared to Faustina, pointed and said “Look”.

(enter people)

Faustina looked, and the people in her vision were skipping along on a nice road way, but at the end of the road they were falling off a cliff into Hell.  They screamed in terror as they fell!

Then she looked somewhere else, where people were climbing a difficult and rocky mountain, but at the top they entered a beautiful garden that was Heaven, and they had a party!

Faustina’s angel also brought her to Hell, where it was dark and she had to crawl into a hole.  And the audience shrieked and laughed like demons.

Then she went to Purgatory, where the audience cried as they suffered.

Then she went to Heaven, where the audience sang like angels.

Faustina's angel said.  “See Faustina?  Now you know what Hell is like, where you deserve to go.  But God has made a home for you in Heaven instead, because he loves you so much!”

St Faustina-  Pray for us!

Perpetua and Felicity

Sts Perpetua and Felicity.

This week’s saints were forced to deny their faith or die under brutal circumstances.  They chose to stand for faith, even though it would cost their lives.

Perpetua, Baby boy, Felicity, Perpetua’s Dad, Guards (2), baby girl, Christian men (3), boar, bear, leopard, mad cow.

(Enter Perpetua and Baby Boy)

There once was a woman named Perpetua.  Perpetua was 22 years old, she was beautiful, and she had a baby boy. She would cuddle her baby, and sing lullabies to him.

(Enter Felicity)

Perpetua also had a servant, named Felicity.  Felicity was pregnant, and the two women excitedly shared stories about how they would raise their kids together.  Felicity and Perpetua were Christians, and they would dance around, singing love songs to God.

(Enter Perpetua's Dad)

Perpetua’s dad did not like Christianity, and he came to the women and said “Listen girls.  Christianity is illegal. You’re gonna get captured and killed if you keep up this nonsense! No more being Christians!”

But Perpetua said “Daddy, I cannot deny the truth, and the truth is that Jesus is Lord!”

And the audience yelled “Amen!”

Her father said “We’ll see about that!” 

(Enter guards)

Then he called 2 guards, saying “Guards!   These girls are Christian!  Arrest them!”

Turning to Perpetua he said “I bet when your life is on the line, you’ll deny Jesus!”

(Exit Dad)

So Perpetua and Felicity were thrown into prison.  Perpetua's son cried when he was taken away from her, so Perpetua bribed the guard to let them into another part of the prison and let her keep her son.

Felicity said “Perpetua, you are so lucky! You get to be a martyr!  I don’t get to because I’m pregnant.”  In those days they wouldn't throw a pregnant woman into the arena because it would hurt the unborn baby.

But then she gave birth to a baby girl.

(Enter baby girl)

Felicity said “Yay!  Now I can be a martyr too!”  Her baby girl just made gurgling sounds.

(Exit Perpetua, Felicity, and babies. Enter Christian Men, boar, bear and leopard)

The day of the executions came.  First the Christian men were sent out into the arena.  They were attacked by a wild boar, a bear, and a leopard.  The crowd cheered, and chanted “One more Christian! One more Christian!”

(Exit Christian men, boar, bear and leopard. Enter Perpetua and Felicity and Dad)

Perpetua and Felicity trembled with fear.  Perpetua's Dad said “See Perpetua!  Is that how you want to die?  Deny Jesus and live!”

But Perpetua said “We will never deny Jesus-  instead we will die for him!”

Dad said "What about your babies?"

Perpetua said "They were adopted by Christians while we were off stage."

(Enter mad Cow)

So Perpetua and Felicity were sent out into the arena by the guards.  A mad cow was released, and after mooing maniacally, it gored them to death. 

Sts Perpetua and Felicity-  Pray for us!

Jerome

Jerome, Christians (2) friends (2), Paula, Blaesilla, people (2), Bishop

(Jerome, Christians on stage)

When Jerome was a teenager, he lived in Rome.  He practiced Greek, by smashing things on the ground and yelling "Opa!", and he practiced Latin, by singing Opera.  But when he saw Christians,  he would shake his head and pat them on the head like they were puppies, saying "You Christians are nice... but not very bright!"

(Enter Bishop) But eventually Jerome became Christian himself, and the bishop baptized him.

(Exit Bishop, Christians, Enter friends and Paula and Blaesilla) 

 But he loved to party! He and his friends and Paula and Blaesilla would dance and sing, and would do all kinds of crazy things, and get drunk, staggering around and puking and flirting with lamposts, and he and his friends would laugh and laugh about the sins they committed.

(friends, Paula and Blaesilla leave)

But after the party his friends would leave,  and Jerome would go to the graves of the martyrs, and he’d feel really bad.  He started thinking about Hell, and how awful that would be, and he was terrified.  He trembled, and chewed his fingernails.  He would start striking his chest and crying and saying “Help me to be better, God!”

(Bishop, friends, Paula + Blaesilla enter)

The local bishop ordained Jerome a priest, laying his hands on him.  His friends congratulated him. When Jerome preached, he would say “We party way too much, and just live for our own pleasure.  I think we should fast and pray and work, and live a simple life.”  His friends, including Paula and Blaesilla, changed their lives, and started making sacrifices.  But Blaesilla quickly got sick, and died.

(People enter) 

People said “See?  Jerome made her make sacrifices and now she’s dead, it’s all his fault!” 

Other people said “I also think there’s some hanky panky going on between him and Paula.”

The crowd said "Ooooh..."

Jerome and Paula both said “No.”  but the people suspiciously crossed their arms and said “MMM-hmmm” and looked at them in a knowing way.

(Scene Change- everyone leave but Jerome)

So Jerome left Rome all together, and became a hermit, a kind of monk who lives alone, near Bethlehem.   He spent his time writing, and translating the Bible from Hebrew and Greek into Latin.  The books he translated would become known as the “Latin Vulgate” Bible, and would become the first full Bible translated into the language of the people.

Jerome died as a hermit, and was buried near Bethlehem.

St Jerome-  Pray for us!

St Gerard

St Gerard

Gerard, Father, Mother, other tailor, boy, fishers(3), priests (2), poor (3), Hanky lady

Gerards’ father was a tailor, and he was always creating fashionable outfits.  One day when Gerard was 12, his father died.  Gerard’s mother sent him to work for another tailor, but this man was curel, and would beet Gerard severely.  Gerard never told anyone, but eventually the man was was caught by Gerards’  Mother, and was forced to quit.

Gerard went on to be a priest.  He had a reputation for holiness, and could perform miracles.  One day a boy fell off a cliff, and died.  Gerard helped the boy up, and said like Dr. Frankenstien  “You’re alive, a-li-i-i-ve!” 

Another time there was a group of fishers out in a boat on the water, and a storm came up. The boat was tossed on the waves, and fishers screamed saying “We are going to die!”  Suddenly Gerard came walking on water to where they were and said “Follow me!”, and they all rowed the boat after him to where they were safe.

Yet another time when the priests were handing out bread to the poor, the priests said “This is not nearly enough bread!”  Gerard said “I got it”, did a little a prayer, and the bread was multiplied.

Gerard could also look at you and read your conscience, and know what sins you committed.  And he could be in 2 places at once!

Though he was known for being a saint, a lady accused him saying “This man is the father of my child!”.  The crowd gasped, and whispered “scandalous!” 

But Gerard just remained silent.

So eventually the lady said “JK, LOL. It was another man.”

And the crowd laughed with relief.

One day while walking, Gerard dropped his hanky.  A lady ran to him and said “sir, you dropped this!”  But Gerard said “Keep it, you may need it one day!”

Gerard got tuberculosis, coughed like crazy, and died when he was only 29 years old.

But after he was dead, the lady who found the hanky one day was pregnant.  But she was in great pain, and thought the baby in her womb would die.  She remembered the saints hanky, so she held it to her belly, and suddenly she felt better.  She later gave birth to a healthy baby.

St Gerard-  Pray for us!

 

St Augustine

St Augustine

Augustine, friends(2), Manicheans(2), Ambrose, Monica,  Mastodon skeleton, scientists (2)

(Augustine, friends on stage)

When Augustine was a young man, he just partied all day and night. He would get drunk and get high and do naughty things. One day Augustine and his friends snuck into a neighbor's yard, where there was a pear tree. They stole every single pear, laughing menacingly as they did so.

(Enter Monica)

When Augustine saw his mom, Monica, he tried to hide the pears, and look super innocent.

Monica always prayed that one day he would become a Christian.  She would kneel and cry, saying “Please Lord, bring him to the true faith!”

(Monica and friends leave, enter Manicheans)

One day Augustine joined a group called the Manicheans. They all believed that the body was evil, but that the spirit was good.  So to celebrate their beliefs, they would eat beans, and fart, saying “I am releasing the spirit of the beans!”  At Church they would all fart to the tune of staying alive. 

But Augustine was the farting king, so the Manicheans would say “Gus, You da man!”

But one day Augustine said “Something about this religion doesn’t smell right.  Their science is terrible!”  He held his nose and shoed the Manicheans away. 

(Manicheans exit, enter Ambrose and Monica)

Augustine loved science, and he said “Religion and science should agree, or there’s a problem!” So he continued searching for the true religion. One day he heard a guy named Ambrose speaking about Jesus. Ambrose was so smart, that Augustine said “This must be the true religion at last!”

So Augustine became a Christian, and said "God I am sorry for all of my sins!" and Monica did a happy dance. 

St Augustine said to God "Our souls are restless until they rest in you!"

(Exit Monica and Ambrose)

TRINITY ENDING

Augustine was super smart. One day he declared "I will now dedicate my prodigious intelligence to contemplating the mysteries of the Trinity!"

The audience was very impressed, so they all said "Ooooh!"

(Enter child)

But as he considered the trinity, he walked along the beach, making profound thinking sounds as he flexed his brain.

There was a child playing in the sand! The child had dug a hole, and was busy filling it with water from a bucket. The child ran back and forth with the bucket, filling it with water in the ocean, and dumping it in his hole. Soon, the hole was overflowing, and the water was flowing back into the ocean.

Augustine watched for a while before saying "Hey kid! What are you trying to do?"

The child looked at him and said. "I'm trying to get the whole ocean into my hole."

Augustine laughed. He said "You can't fit the massive ocean in your little hole!"

The child smiled and said "Well you can't fit the whole trinity in your tiny brain!"

Then the child disappeared.

(Exit child)

Augustine went on to be a great saint, and was even declared a doctor of the church! Later when reflecting on his sinful life, he said "“I was not yet in love with you, and I was still bound by the chains of my sins."

St Augustine, Pray for us!

ALTERNATE ENDING WHEN DISCUSSING SCIENCE OR EVOLUTION

(Enter Scientists)

But even as a Christian, Augustine found that the Bible seemed to say things about the history of the planet that did not make sense.  Augustine said “When you read Genesis, I think the word ‘day’ probably means something like ‘stage’ and has more to do with what is being revealed than an actual 24 hour time period.”  Scientists nodded their heads in a knowing way.

(Enter Mastodon)

Augustine was not only one of the smartest Christians around, he was also a very smart scientist!  He studied astronomy, looked at the stars, and was able to predict eclipses.  One day he even dug up the skeleton of a mastodon!  Mastodons were ancient giant elephants.  But Augustine had trouble figuring out how the pieces went together, so he thought he had found a giant human skeleton!  He said “This guy must have been gargantuan!”

All the other scientists of Augustine's day (4th century) shook their heads in agreement, because from what they knew it made sense.

Augustine is a Church Father, and is the Patron Saint of Paleontologists-  people who dig up dinosaur bones.

St Augustine-   Pray for Us!

St George

St George

King, Dragon, Princess, Frankie, Frankie’s mom, villagers (3), sheep (2), George 

Little is known about the historical St George.  We know that he was real, but beyond that all we have is legends about him.  It is likely that George was a real, roman soldier, whose courage when he was martyred inspired a rebellion that ended Roman persecution of Christians.  Because of this, he was portrayed in art as defeating a dragon-  and eventually legends grew up about this incident.   So even though the following story is not true, we will tell it anyway!

(Enter Dragon)

There once was a village in Syria, where a dragon lived.  The dragon was mean, and could kill you with his extremely bad breath.  The dragon would breath on the audience, and they would die agonizing deaths.

(Enter the villagers, sheep) 

The villagers were terrified of the dragon!  So every week they would kill two sheep, and give them to the dragon, so that he would stay away from their city.

One day they ran out of sheep.  “What will we do?” they cried. 

(Enter the king)

The King gathered the people together and said “I have a plan.  Let’s put the names of every child in the city into a hat, and every week we can pull out a name.  Whoever’s name gets pulled will be given to the dragon!”

So the villagers agreed, saying "what a very sensible idea!"

(Enter Frankie and his mom)

 That day they pulled the name of a young child named Frankie.  Frankie began to cry, and his mom held him saying “No, please, have mercy.” 

The king was sad, but he said
“The law is the law.  Frankie is the first one to be sacrificed.”

So Frankie kissed his mom, and walked towards the dragon, and when he got close,  the dragon ate him!  Frankies mom fainted!

(exit Frankie, Frankie's mom, enter princess)

A week later, they drew names again.  This time they drew the name of the princess!  The King said “No, not my daughter!  Please, I will give you everything I have!  I will pay you with gold and silver, but don’t send my daughter!”

But the villagers said “The law is the law.  You would kill our children, and so you too must be prepared to sacrifice!  Otherwise we will have to kill you, and your daughter”

The king wept and hugged his daughter, who also cried.  He kissed her on the head, and said dramatically “My daughter!  Now I will never see you as a bride!”

So the princess got dressed as a bride, as beautiful as she could be, for the day that she would be sent to the dragon. 

(Exit all but princess and dragon, enter George)

As she walked alone to the dragons den crying, along came George, a soldier on horseback.  Seeing her he said “Beautiful lady, why are you crying?”

The princess said “Get out of here, or the dragon will kill you too!”  But as she spoke, the dragon approached. 

So George said “Fear nothing but trust Jesus!” and he took his spear, and he stabbed
the dragon in the chest!

The dragon was injured, but did not die.  The dragon shrieked in pain!  George fastened a rope around its neck, and led it into the city.  

(enter villagers, king)

When the people saw the dragon in the city, they screamed and began running away! 

But George said “If you will all become Christian, I will kill this dragon.”  So the whole city became Christian, including the king and the princess, and George took his sword, and cut off the dragons head.

The princess draped her arms around George's neck, saying "My Hero!" and plastering his face with kisses.  then she said "I'm already dressed like a bride, if you hadn't noticed."

But George was like "Awkward" and he rode away on his horse. 

St George-  Pray for us!

St Matthew

St Matthew

 Matthew, soldiers (2), people(2), Jesus, Pharisees (2), Ethiopian King, nun, Ethiopian soldier, Ethiopian cannibals

 
(Enter Matthew, Soldiers, people)

There once was a man named Matthew, also known as Levi.  Every day he would go door to door with 2 soldiers,  saying to people “Pay your taxes, or these thugs will break your legs!”
 
Sometimes people would fall on their knees and cry, and say “Please!  I already paid my taxes!”
 
Matthew would say “The Roman government needs more!  Pay again!”
 
So people would hand over their money, which Matthew would put into his own pocket, and say “This will pay for a big party tonight!”
 
The other people knew that he was doing this, so they would stick out their tongue or make faces at Matthew behind his back, but they made sure he never saw them.

(Exit People, enter Jesus)

One day while counting his money, and saying “Chaching!” Jesus walked by.  Jesus looked at Matthew and said “Come, follow me.”

To the astonishment of the guards, Matthew said “Ok!”, and jumped up, leaving his money behind!

(Exit soldiers)

 
Then Matthew said “Jesus, we should totally party at my house tonight!”

Jesus said “Sounds good!  B.Y.O.W!”  The W stood for water, but Jesus had plans for that.

 

(Enter people, Pharisees)

When the people heard that Jesus was going to eat at Matthews house, they were flabbergasted!  They twitched and spasmed and foamed at the mouth. They found some Pharisees and said  “Jesus is eating with that outcast, that sinner….”
 
 The Pharisees shook their head in disdain at Jesus, and wagged their fingers saying “Naughty naughty!”

But Jesus said “Doctors don’t go to healthy people, but to sick people.  I came for sinners not the righteous!”

Matthew said “Oh burn!  In your face!”  The Pharisees were gobsmacked.

(Exit People, Pharisees)

Matthew left his life of tax collecting, and continued to follow Christ.  Jesus died, and rose, and went to Heaven.  

(Exit Jesus) 

Then the Holy Spirit came down on Matthew, making him strong and bold!

Matthew travelled all over the place, telling people about Jesus.  He also wrote one of the gospels.

(Enter nun,  Ethiopian cannibals)

Eventually, Matthew ended up in Ethiopia, land of the cannibals.  The cannibals looked hungrily at Matthew, saying "we love foreign delicacies!"  But Matthew converted many Ethiopians, and baptized them.  One young lady became a nun!  

(Exit cannibals, enter Ethiopian King, Ethiopian soldiers)

But the king of the Ethiopians wanted to marry the young lady, who said “I can’t-  I am given to Christ.”

The King went into a rage, and pointed at Matthew yelling “Sorcerer!!!”  He ordered his soldiers to burn Matthew alive, as a sacrifice to his idols.  Matthew did die in the fire, but the idols were also destroyed.

St Matthew-  Pray for us!

 

 

Philip Neri

Philip, Donkey, people(2), men (3), jugglers (2),  singers(2), carnies(2) (carnies are people who work for the carnival)

(Enter Philip, donkey)

When Philip was a kid, he one day saw a donkey walking by with fruit on it’s back.  Philip jumped on the donkeys back, and they both fell into a cellar. The donkey brayed angrily,  and stomped off. Just before leaving the stage he said "Jackass."

The audience was stunned by the bad language, until they considered that the word jackass is in Pinocchio, Shakespeare, and the Bible, so they decided to let it go and not tell their parents.

(Exit Donkey)

Philip was a businessman, and said “I want to be rich some day!”.  But he would often go and pray in a crack in a mountain, and after one of his prayers he said “Instead of being Rich, I wanna be Holy!”

(Enter people, men)

So Philip became a priest.  Many people would come to him for confession, and a number of young men gathered to pray with him.  So many came that they had to build a special building called an Oratory for the men to pray in!

(Enter jugglers, singers, carnies)

Every year, there would be a carnival in town.  The audience sang the circus song- you know, the one from Madagascar where the Zebra keeps inserting the word afro. There would be jugglers, singers, and lots of carnies selling alcohol!  Each year at Carnival the men would all go and get drunk and do other bad things!

(exit jugglers, singers, people)

So Philip created a special pilgrimage on the day of Carnival.  Philip and the men would walk all day, and then by evening they would be too tired to be tempted!  When the carnies tried to sell them beer, the men would just fall asleep!

(exit carnies)

Philip always wanted to teach people not to take themselves so seriously.  One of the men was way too serious- so Philip made him stand and sing at breakfast. The man sang "I'm a little teapot", complete with all the actions.

Another priest gave a beautiful homily, saying "God made you special, and he loves you very much."  The audience were so stunned and moved, that they gave him a standing ovation, many wiping tears from their eyes.  The man said "Wasn't I wonderful Philip?

But Philip said "Yes, so wonderful in fact that you should give the exact same sermon every week for the next 6 weeks!"

But the man said "But Philip!  Everyone will think I only have one sermon!"

Philip said "Exactly. and you will learn to be humble."

But Philip needed to be humble himself!  His reputation for holiness grew, so he would wear ridiculous clothes, or shave ½ his beard off, so the audience would point and laugh at him.  Philip died at 80 years old.

St Philip Neri-   Pray for us!

Mary, Mother of God

St Mary

Disclaimer-  Much of this story is taken from tradition and is not found in scripture so cannot be known for certain!

Mary, Anne, Joachim, Zechariah, Joseph, Joseph’s kids, Gabriel, Jesus, soldiers (2), John, Peter

(Enter Mary, Anne and Joachim)

When Mary was three years old, her parents, Anne and Joachim, brought her to the temple.  Anne said “Mary, you will live here and serve in the temple, as a virgin promised to God!” 

Mary said “Yes!”

(Exit Anne and Joachim, enter Zechariah)

So Mary grew up in the temple, praying, singing songs, cleaning, and never sinning!  Zechariah, the high priest (and her cousins husband), was very happy to look after her and teach her.  But one day, when Mary was 13, Zechariah said “Mary, you are too old now to keep living in the temple!  It is time that we found a man to marry you!”

But Mary said “I promised God that I would remain a virgin!”

Zechariah said “Then we will find an old and righteous man who will marry you and look after you, but respect your promise.”  

So Zechariah took 12 staffs from men who were considered worthy, and placed them in the Holy of Holies.  And the staff belonging to Joseph blossomed, and they considered it a sign that he was to be her husband!  Zechariah said "It's a miracle!  Bring me Joseph!"

(Enter Joseph and Joseph's kids) 

Joseph was over 70 years old, and he was a carpenter.  He already had other kids, but their mother had died.  So Joseph said to them “This woman will be your mother!”

The kids danced around Mary saying "Mommy, mommy!"  Even though they were actually adults.

(Exit Joseph, kids, Zechariah.  Enter Gabriel)

One day, an angel named Gabriel appeared to Mary and said “You will have a son, and he will be a pretty big deal!”

Mary said “Impossible!  I am a consecrated virgin!”

The angel said “Nothing is impossible for God! Will you do it?”

So Mary said “Yes”

(Exit Gabriel.  Enter Joseph)

So Mary went to Joseph and said “I’m pregnant.  But don’t worry!  God is the dad!”

Joseph had a nervous breakdown.  He cried and sucked his thumb.

(Exit Mary) 

 But when Joseph fell asleep, Gabriel appeared to him and said “Don’t worry, Joseph!  Mary is legit!”

(Gabriel exit, Mary enter)

So, Joseph married Mary, and this made Mary merry.

(Enter Jesus, Gabriel)

Mary had baby Jesus in a barn. The angel appeared again to Joseph and said “Run away!  Run away!  King Herod is coming!”

(Exit Gabriel)

Joseph and Mary and Jesus ran all the way to Egypt.  Then they came back.  Then Joseph died.

(Exit Joseph.  Enter soldiers, John)

When Jesus was grown up, soldiers came and arrested him.  They nailed him to the cross. While hanging on the cross, Jesus saw John and Mary standing side by side, crying.  Jesus said “John, behold your mother.  Woman, behold your son.”

John said “I thought Joseph had other kids who could take care of you?”

Mary said “He does.  Jesus means I should become the mother to the whole Church.”

John said “Oh… cool!”

Jesus died. Then he rose again.  Then he went to Heaven. (Exit Jesus)  Mary and John moved to Ephesus, where Mary died. (Exit Mary, enter Peter)

John said to Peter "Mary Died."

Peter said "Oooh!  Show me the body!

But when they looked, Mary’s body was gone!

John said “Wow!  I guess her body must have risen from the dead and been brought into Heaven!”

Peter said “That’s quite an assumption.”

(Exit Peter and John, Enter Mary)

Up in Heaven, Jesus said “Welcome home Mom! Now you will be queen of the universe!”

And to this day Mary still sometimes appears to people to help them come to Jesus.

Mary, Mother of God-  Pray for us!