Monica

St Monica

Monica, Patricius, 2 women, Augustine, Drunk friends (4, some boys and girls), Manicheans (Man- E-key-ans) (3), Bishop

(Enter Monica and Patricius)

There once was a woman named Monica of Hippo.  She was married to a man named Patricius.  While Monica was a Christian and worshiped Jesus, doing things like going to Mass and making the sign of the Cross,  Patricius was a pagan, and he worshiped Jupiter, doing things like offering incense and bowing before a statue saying You are so mighty and powerful!  Do not smite me oh Jupiter!"  

Monica said "I'm pretty sure Jupiter is just a gas giant." But Patricius ignored her.

  Monica was always polite, and worked hard, and tried to be holy.  Patricius would get mad, and say “Oh, do you have to be so good all the time?  It’s not fun!”  Some times Patricius would go into a rage, jumping around and yelling and breaking things.  Monica would just stay out of his way! 

(Enter 2 women)

 At other times, Patricius would cheat on Monica with other women. One day Monica saw Patricius, and he had 2 women with him, one on each arm. Monica said “Excuse me?  And who are these floozies?” 

The women snapped their fingers three times, and said “Oh no you didn’t.”

Patricius said “Monica of Hippo, I would like you to meet these two floozies… er, I mean, women… who are also my lovers.  Monica of Hippo, this is Barbara of Rhino and Silvia of Ring-Tailed Lemur.”

Monica said “Patricius, I am your wife.  Send these women away!” 

So Patricius sent them away, but as they were leaving he said “I’ll look you up on Facebook!” 

(Exit women)

 Then Patricius said to Monica “Boy Monica, this isn’t like you.  You usually just put up with my floozies.  What’s wrong?”

Monica said “I’m having a baby.”  Suddenly, Augustine was born. 

(Enter Augustine)

Augustine greeted his parents, saying “Hello Mother.  Hello Father.  I am your new infant son.”

Monica said “Let’s get him baptized!”

Patricius said “No!”

Augustine said “I think I’m dying!”  Then he started spasming and fell to the ground.

Monica said “Please Patricius!  He must be baptized before he dies!”

Patricius said “Oh, all right.”

But at that moment Augustine stood up again and said “I got better!”

Patricius said “Oh good, no need to baptize you after all!”

Monica said “Seriously?” 

Then Patricius died.  (Exit Patricius)

Augustine grew up,and was a lot like his dad.  Augustine said “Mom, my philosophy in life is to be as selfish as possible, and have fun and get drunk all the time!”

(Enter drunk friends)

Augustine’s drunken friends said “Party!”  and started dancing. Then Augustine chose the most attractive girl from among his friends, and brought her to his mom saying "Oh by the way, Mom, this is my new girlfriend-  Cecilia of Zebra!”

Monica said “Whatever happened to Beatrice of Orangutan?”

Augustine said “Seriously?  I broke up with her like 2 weeks ago, when I started dating Phoebe of Chimpanzee, who I broke up with for Helen of Wombat.”

Monica said “Please Jesus, may my son have a conversion!”

(Exit drunk friends including Cecilia of Zebra)

Sometime later Augustine came to Monica and said “Good news, mom!  I had a conversion!”

Monica said “Praise the Lord!”

Augustine said “I joined the Manicheans (Man-E-key-ans)!”

The Manicheans all rushed on to stage and joined Augustine. 

Augustine said “We believe that the soul is good, but the body is evil.  We believe that it is holy to eat beans, and to release their spirits from their bodies in the form of farts!  Hit it, boys!”

So Augustine and the Manicheans started farting to the tune of the Alleluia Chorus.

Monica started crying, saying "And I thought Patricius worshiped a gas giant! Please, Lord, make it stop!”

(Enter Bishop, Exit Manicheans)

An unnamed Bishop came and said “Fear not Monica!  Your tears will not be wasted!”

Augustine finally did become Catholic in the end, and the Bishop baptized him.  Then his mom hugged him, and then she died.

St Monica-  Pray for us!

St Andre Bessette

St Andre

Andre, brothers and sisters (5), dad, mom, priest, head of the congregation, sick people (2) , more sick people (5), monks (3).

(Enter Andre)

Andre was originally called Alfred.  He lived near Montreal, so he always said things with a French Canadian accent.   He would say things like “I lurve to eat my Poutine, eh?”  and “Celine Dion’s voice is as sweet as a sugar shack.”

(enter brothers and sisters, mom and dad)

Alfred had lots of brothers and sisters.  They lived with his mom and dad, and they were very poor. But they love each other very much, and they would all join hands and sing the Barney song together.

One day a tree fell on his dad, and his dad died.  Then his mom caught tuberculosis, coughed like crazy, and died.  So Andre and his siblings were all orphans. They cried and hugged each other tight, while their bodies still shuddered from the sorrow.

The narrator said in a French accent “It is not orphan that you see so many orphans.”  The family left the stage, shaking their heads at the bad pun.

(Exit mom, dad, brothers, sisters.  Enter priest)

Alfred was often seen praying in the Church, and his priest noticed how holy he was.  So the priest said “Alfred, I think you should become a monk!  Here, take this note to the Congregation of the Holy Cross.”

(Exit priest, enter monks, head of the congregation)

The Congregation of the Holy Cross was a group of monks.  They walked in circles, singing in Gregorian chant. The narrator intoned the words, and the monks repeated them.  The words were "Ay-a otgay asgay"  Which is pig latin for "I got gas".

When Alfred got there, the head of the congregation read the note, which said “I am sending you a saint.”   But the head of the Congregation said “You look little and sick.  We can’t afford to take sick people, I’m sorry.” 

The crowd said "Awe."  And Alfred made his best pouty puppy dog face. After a while the head of the Congregation “Ok, fine, you can join.  You can be the guy who answers the door.”  Alfred was so excited he went from being a pouty happy dog to being a hyper puppy dog, and he licked the heads of the congregations hand.

The monks sang "Ew-ay, uckyay!"

(exit monks and head of the congregation, enter sick.)

Alfred became known as Brother Andre.  He would go to the chapel, and take some oil from a lamp burning in honour of St Joseph.  Then he would go to the house of the sick, and he would rub some oil on them, and say ‘pray to St Joseph, and he will heal you.”  The sick people would do their prayers, and then yell “I’m healed!  It’s a miracle!”

Soon sick people and more sick people were lining up to see Brother Andre, to get him to pray for them. 

(Enter head of the congregation)

The head of the congregation said “Wow, there are way too many sick people here-  Andre, you  need to start meeting people at the train station!”  So Andre did, and even more people were healed!

(Enter the other monks)

Eventually the other monks got nervous about Andre’s growing reputation.  One said “I think he’s a fake!”  Another said “He’s a quack”.  A third said “This will be bad for our reputation if people discover that he is faking these cures.”

But Brother Andre said “I’m not the one doing the curing.  God is, through the intercession of St Joseph.”

So many of the sick were cured, that they built a great big Church in honour of St Joseph in Montreal.  It is the largest Church in Canada, and one of the largest in the world!  The audience applauded politely.

When Blessed Andre died, over 1 million people came to his funeral.  His heart was kept as a relic in the Church.  It was stolen for a while, but was recovered.

St Andre-  Pray for us!