St Lawrence

St Lawrence.

Lawrence, bulls (2),  strangers (2), Pope Sixtus II, cousin, tornado the horse, Valerian, Guards (2), poor (2), crippled (2)

(Enter Lawrence, standby Bulls, strangers)

St Lawrence was a Spaniard.  Like all good Spaniards, he danced flamenco, enjoyed the running of the bulls, (Where the bulls charged and Lawrence tried to stay out of their way) and was extremely affectionate with strangers, giving them big hugs and kissing them on each cheek. Lawrence said, in his best Spanish accent, "Hey, man.  I don't care for all these stereotypes. Let's just throw tomatoes at each other and take a nap, OK?"

Then he hugged the narrator, kissing the narrator on both cheeks.

(Exit bulls, strangers. Enter Sixtus)

One day Pope Sixtus II said "Hey Lawrence-  how would you like to be a deacon?"

Lawrence said "I'd love to!"  Then he made a move to embrace a kiss Sixtus, but Pope Sixtus said "I'm the Pope-  kiss my ring instead."  Which Lawrence did enthusiastically.  

 Pope Sixtus entrusted much of the Churches wealth to Lawrence, and even gave him the Chalice which Jesus drank from at the last supper!   

(Enter cousin, Tornado the horse)

Lawrence gave the cup to his cousin, saying “bring this to my family in Spain, so it can be kept safe!” 

His cousin leapt onto the back of Tornado the horse. The horse reared backwards, looking epic, while the cousin pulled out a sword and slashed a zed into the air.  Then they galloped away into the sunset.

The audience giggled excitedly and said "Just like Zorro!" The narrator was pleased that they got the joke because it was pretty subtle.

(Exit Cousin, Tornado. Enter Valerian, guards)

Emperor Valerian marched in regally, flanked by two armed guards.  Valerian said “Christianity is illegal!  I will kill all the Christians!  Arrest that man!” and he pointed at Pope Sixtus.  2 roman guards arrested Sixtus, and began dragging him away.

Lawrence ran up to Sixtus, and said “Pope Sixtus!  Where are you going without your deacon?”

The Pope said “I am going to be martyred!  Wanna come?”

Lawrence said “Absolutely!”

The Pope said “Ok, in 3 days you can be a martyr too!”

Lawrence said “hooray!” and clapped his hands.

Valerian ordered the guards, saying “Chop off the head of the Pope, and arrest the deacon.” So they did.

(Exit Sixtus)

Valerian ordered “Lawrence, I understand that you were entrusted with the treasures of the church.  Bring it to me.”

Lawrence said “It’ll take time to gather it up.  Give me three days!”

Valerian said “Done!”

(Enter poor, crippled)

So for three days, Lawrence took the Church property and gave it to the poor and crippled.  Then he got the poor and crippled to follow him, and returned to Valerian. He shouted “Here are the treasures of the Church!”

Valerian got so mad, he turned beat red.  He said to his guards “Fire up the bar-be-cue!  We’re roasting Lawrence tonight!”

So the guards grabbed Lawrence, and placed him on a grill, which they put over a low burning fire.  As Lawrence was slowly burning to death, Lawrence said “Turn me over!  I am done on this side!”

Lawrence is the patron saint of comedians.

St Lawrence-  pray for us!