James the Just

Disclaimer

A lot of this is a speculative compilation based on what we know from Scripture and other sources. Chances are it is not 100% accurate 

 Jesus, James, cousins (3), Joseph, Cleopas, Mary, Other Mary, disciples (2), Paul, Annas, Priests (2)

When Jesus was a young man, he always hung out with James and his other cousins. Jesus would greet them with a secret family handshake, and say "What's up brother!"

James would laugh and say "You know, I'm not actually your brother right? I'm your cousin!"

Jesus laughed and said "In Greek it's the same thing! You're a brother to me!"  Then once again Jesus said "What's up, brother?"

James shook his head and said "Oh, brother."

(Enter Mary and Joseph) 

Jesus parents were Mary and Joseph. Mary and Joseph greeted Jesus saying "Hello, son."

(Enter Cleopas and other Mary)

James' parents were Cleopas and the other Mary. James' parents said "Hello son." 

Then to Joseph, Cleopas said "What's up brother?"

James shook his head and "See? They are actually brothers!"

Joseph said to Cleopas "Isn't it funny that we're brothers and we both married women named Mary? What are the chances?"

Cleopas said "It seems every second woman is named Mary. So chances are high!"

James said "I guess that makes you the Mary Men!"

And everyone had a good hearty chuckle.

(Exit Joseph, Mary, Cleopas, other Mary, enter Disciples)

One day Jesus came through his home town with his disciples. Jesus made introductions saying "Hey disciples!  This is my brother James, and my other brothers and sisters, who are not named in this skit!"

One of the disciples said "Brother? I thought Mary only had one kid!"

James nodded, and said "She did. We're actually cousins, but it's pretty much the same thing."

The other disciple said "So what's it like to be the brother of the Messiah?"

James was surprised. "You think Jesus is the messiah? C'mon, he's just a regular guy! He's a carpenter from Nazareth!"

Jesus sighed, and said "That's why I never do any miracles around here- my own family don't understand. C'mon disciples, let's go somewhere else."

(Exit Jesus, Disciples)

James was stunned. He looked at his siblings and said "Do you really think Jesus is the Messiah?"

They all shook their heads no and laughed at the idea.

(Enter disciples, Cleopas)

Some time later James and his siblings and Cleopas were all in Jerusalem for the Passover. They saw the disciples who looked sad.

James asked "What's wrong guys?" 

The disciples looked at each other, and said "Didn't you hear? They crucified Jesus!"

James was shocked. "What?"

One of the cousins said "Guess we know he wasn't the Messiah..."

But one of the disciples said "Yeah but now some people said he rose from the dead!"

James shook his head, and said "no way."

But Cleopas put a hand on his shoulder and said "Let's go for a walk."

(Exit all but Cleopas and James. Enter Jesus)

While walking, Jesus came up and joined them, but at first Cleopas and James did not recognize him. Suddenly Cleopas said "Wait, you're Jesus!"

Jesus looked at James and said "What's up, brother?"

Then he disappeared.

(Exit Jesus, Cleopas, enter disciples)

 After Jesus went to heaven, James became one of the leaders of the disciples. The other disciples said "James, as the brother of Jesus, you should be the Bishop of Jerusalem!"

James nodded and said "ok!"

(Enter Paul)

One day a guy called Paul came and said "Guys, help me out.  A bunch of Christians from Jerusalem are saying that everyone who becomes Christian first has to obey the Jewish law, even if they aren't Jewish!  You're saved by faith, not works!"

But James said "Yeah, but, faith without works is dead."

Paul said "I know, obviously. What I mean is that Christ saves us, not obeying the Jewish law. Obviously people still have to become holy!"

The disciples stroked their chins and thought. Finally James said "Sounds right to me, and to the Holy Spirit! Paul, let me write you a letter so everyone know you have the backing of the bishop of Jerusalem and the Apostles."

Paul and James shook hands, then Paul went off to Greece.

(Exit Paul, enter Annas, priests)  

James continued to teach about justice and caring for the poor and keeping our language pure. The disciples and even the Jewish priests nodded their heads and said "He's so wise!"

But a guy called Annas said "He's a Christian!  He's stirring up dissent against the priests!"

The priests were shocked, and yelled "Kill Him!"

So Annas and the priests took James to the highest place in the temple, and threw him off it. James yelled "Jesus is the Messiah!" as he fell to the ground.

The disciples wailed and said "He's dead!"

But James got off the ground and said "I'm not dead yet!"

So the priests took stones and threw them at James, then one of them grabbed a metal club and clubbed James in the head. James fell down and died.

St James the Just- Pray for us!

Francis Assisi and the Sultan

 Francis, Franciscans (3) Illuminato, Crusaders (3), Muslims (3), Sultan

(This is not an account of the entire life of St Francis, only of a key moment in his life.)

(Enter Francis)

There once was a man named Francis of Assisi. Francis was rich, charming, and good looking. He struck a pose, and all the girls in the audience whistled at him.

Francis was also a warrior, and rode his horse into battle, making his unique battle cry.

But then Francis had a conversion!  He gave away all his money, and lived as a friar, kind of like a monk, chanting as he walked.

(Enter Franciscans and Illuminato)

Francis became so holy that soon other men and women, called Franciscans, gathered around him to live like him.

 One of the Franciscans was named Illuminato.  Illuminato made a triangle with his hands and put it around his eye, but most people didn't get it, so the narrator went on with the story.

(Exit Franciscans)

One day Francis was talking to Illuminato, and he said "Did you hear about the Crusade that's happening in Egypt right now?"

Illuminato shook his head and said "It's not going well for the Christians."

Francis nodded gravely. "It seems they are in denial." Francis paused for the audience to laugh, but none of them knew their history or their geography, so no one did. Suddenly some of the audience members got it, so they showed off by laughing loudly and obnoxiously.

Francis said "I have an idea. Let's go to Egypt, and cross the lines into Muslim territory, and preach to the Sultan! If he converts to Christianity, we will win the entire country of Egypt."

Illuminato nodded, and said "I see absolutely no flaws in this plan." So together they rode off to Egypt. 

(Enter Crusaders on one side of the stage, Muslims on the other side)

The Muslims and Crusaders were engaged in a silent, slow motion battle. Francis and Illuminato strolled right past the Crusaders. 

(Exit Crusaders)

When they got to the Muslim line, the Muslims drew swords on them and said "Where do you think you're going, Christians?" 

Illuminato peed his pants.

But Francis put up his hands and said "We come in peace. We want to speak to the Sultan!"

(Enter Sultan)

When Francis met the Sultan, he said "God loves you, and he wants you to love him back."

The Sultan said "We serve God too!"  Suddenly all of the Muslims faced east and bowed to the ground in prayer. The Sultan said "See, we do this 5 times a day!" The Muslims stood up again.

Francis nodded, impressed. "I thought you guys were really awful heathens!"

The Sultan laughed, and said "That's what we thought about you! But you Franciscans have impressed me. I promise that when we win this war, we will treat Christians well in Egypt."

So Francis and the Sultan shook hands, and then Francis and Illuminato went on their way.

(Exit Francis and Illuminato. Enter Franciscans)

Years later, Franciscans came to Jerusalem. They were confronted by the Muslims and the Sultan. The Sultan said "Hey, where are you going? No Christians allowed!"

But the Franciscans said "We are Franciscan friars..."

The Sultan said "Franciscans!  Oh, in that case, come on in!  In fact, you guys can be the official tour guides for any Christians who want to come here!"

And to this day Franciscans still have responsibility for many of the holy sites in Israel.

St Francis of Assisi, pray for us!

Civil War

 This is not a saint story, and is not even a hero story, but this is an important story to understand a key piece of biblical history.

Solomon, ladies (3), Rehoboam, Jeroboam, Ahijah, old men (3), the boyz (3)

There once was a great king named Solomon.  Solomon was wise, rich, and he loved the ladies.  In fact he had 700 wives!  Solomon tried to put his arms around all three ladies at once.

The audience was gob smacked. They declared "I thought you said he was wise!"

(Enter Rehoboam)

Solomon shared his wisdom with his son. Solomon spoke with an air of great wisdom and said "My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity."

Rehoboam said "Yes, oh wise father!"

One of Solomons wives whined and said "Why can't I worship my pagan god in your kingdom?  I want a temple to my God!"

The other ladies agreed, saying "Yeah, and we want temples to our gods!"

Solomon rubbed his head like he had a headache, and said to Rehoboam "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."  But then to his wives he said "Ok, ok, you can all have temples to your gods. Yeesh."

(Enter Jeroboam)

Jeroboam ran and said "Oh mighty king!  The people are complaining!  You work them too hard!  You tax them too much.  If you don't relax your rules, they are going to rebel!"

Solomon shook his head, and said to his son Rehoboam "Diligent hands bring wealth." But then he added, "Their diligent hands are going to bring wealth to me, know what I'm saying?" 

(exit Solomon, Rehoboam, ladies, enter Ahijah)

Jeroboam shook his head, grumbling about Solomon and his rule.  Suddenly Ahijah jumped out  in front of him, yelling his name like it was a karate cry.

Jeroboam was startled.  He asked "Who are you?"

Ahijah did more karate moves and said "Ahijah!"  Then he took off the cloak he was wearing, and ripped it into 12 pieces.  He gave 10 of the pieces to Jeroboam and said "God will rip this kingdom apart and give you 10 tribes to rule as king, leaving only 2 tribes for Solomon."

Then he did more karate kicks, and left like a ninja.

(Exit Ahijah)

The crowd gasped.  They said "Did you see that? The prophet just told Jeroboam that he's going to lead a rebellion against Solomon!"

Jeroboam said "Oh no! When Solomon hears about this he'll kill me!"  So Jeroboam ran away to Egypt.

(Enter Solomon, Rehoboam, and Ladies)

Solomon stared stoically into the middle distance and said dramatically "For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing, and they have no more reward, for the memory of them is forgotten."

The ladies said "Wow, so wise!"  

Solomon said "Right?"  But then he died.

(Exit Solomon) 

The crowd said "Now Rehoboam is king!"

(Enter Jeroboam)

Jeroboam said "Rehoboam!  Your dad taxed us too much, and worked us too hard. Will you relax things?"

Rehoboam said "Hmm, let me think..."

(Enter old men)

The old men said "He's right! If we push them too hard there'll be a rebellion!"

But Rehoboam didn't listen to the old men.

(Exit old men, enter the Boyz)

Instead he went to the Boyz. The Boyz said "Tell him, that if he thinks your father was harsh, your gonna be worse!  In fact. hears what you should say..." then they whispered something to Rehoboam.

Rehoboam thought that was a great idea, and gave the Boyz each a high five. Rehoboam said "Jeroboam, you think my dad was harsh? I'm gonna be worse. He whipped you with whips, I'm going to whip you with scorpions. I have my strength in my little finger than he has in his..."

But the audience bleeped out the end of the sentence.

Jeroboam turned to the audience and said "Waddya guys think?"

The audience all said "We don't need him!  Get him out of here!"

So Rehoboam and the Boyz slunk away scared.

(Exit Rehoboam, the Boyz)

Jeroboam addressed the audience and said "Good work everyone!  10 out of 12 tribes are with us!  We'll start out own country, and we won't worship God in the Temple anymore.  Instead, we'll worship golden calves."

And everyone said "Oy!"