Civil War

 This is not a saint story, and is not even a hero story, but this is an important story to understand a key piece of biblical history.

Solomon, ladies (3), Rehoboam, Jeroboam, Ahijah, old men (3), the boyz (3)

There once was a great king named Solomon.  Solomon was wise, rich, and he loved the ladies.  In fact he had 700 wives!  Solomon tried to put his arms around all three ladies at once.

The audience was gob smacked. They declared "I thought you said he was wise!"

(Enter Rehoboam)

Solomon shared his wisdom with his son. Solomon spoke with an air of great wisdom and said "My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity."

Rehoboam said "Yes, oh wise father!"

One of Solomons wives whined and said "Why can't I worship my pagan god in your kingdom?  I want a temple to my God!"

The other ladies agreed, saying "Yeah, and we want temples to our gods!"

Solomon rubbed his head like he had a headache, and said to Rehoboam "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."  But then to his wives he said "Ok, ok, you can all have temples to your gods. Yeesh."

(Enter Jeroboam)

Jeroboam ran and said "Oh mighty king!  The people are complaining!  You work them too hard!  You tax them too much.  If you don't relax your rules, they are going to rebel!"

Solomon shook his head, and said to his son Rehoboam "Diligent hands bring wealth." But then he added, "Their diligent hands are going to bring wealth to me, know what I'm saying?" 

(exit Solomon, Rehoboam, ladies, enter Ahijah)

Jeroboam shook his head, grumbling about Solomon and his rule.  Suddenly Ahijah jumped out  in front of him, yelling his name like it was a karate cry.

Jeroboam was startled.  He asked "Who are you?"

Ahijah did more karate moves and said "Ahijah!"  Then he took off the cloak he was wearing, and ripped it into 12 pieces.  He gave 10 of the pieces to Jeroboam and said "God will rip this kingdom apart and give you 10 tribes to rule as king, leaving only 2 tribes for Solomon."

Then he did more karate kicks, and left like a ninja.

(Exit Ahijah)

The crowd gasped.  They said "Did you see that? The prophet just told Jeroboam that he's going to lead a rebellion against Solomon!"

Jeroboam said "Oh no! When Solomon hears about this he'll kill me!"  So Jeroboam ran away to Egypt.

(Enter Solomon, Rehoboam, and Ladies)

Solomon stared stoically into the middle distance and said dramatically "For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing, and they have no more reward, for the memory of them is forgotten."

The ladies said "Wow, so wise!"  

Solomon said "Right?"  But then he died.

(Exit Solomon) 

The crowd said "Now Rehoboam is king!"

(Enter Jeroboam)

Jeroboam said "Rehoboam!  Your dad taxed us too much, and worked us too hard. Will you relax things?"

Rehoboam said "Hmm, let me think..."

(Enter old men)

The old men said "He's right! If we push them too hard there'll be a rebellion!"

But Rehoboam didn't listen to the old men.

(Exit old men, enter the Boyz)

Instead he went to the Boyz. The Boyz said "Tell him, that if he thinks your father was harsh, your gonna be worse!  In fact. hears what you should say..." then they whispered something to Rehoboam.

Rehoboam thought that was a great idea, and gave the Boyz each a high five. Rehoboam said "Jeroboam, you think my dad was harsh? I'm gonna be worse. He whipped you with whips, I'm going to whip you with scorpions. I have my strength in my little finger than he has in his..."

But the audience bleeped out the end of the sentence.

Jeroboam turned to the audience and said "Waddya guys think?"

The audience all said "We don't need him!  Get him out of here!"

So Rehoboam and the Boyz slunk away scared.

(Exit Rehoboam, the Boyz)

Jeroboam addressed the audience and said "Good work everyone!  10 out of 12 tribes are with us!  We'll start out own country, and we won't worship God in the Temple anymore.  Instead, we'll worship golden calves."

And everyone said "Oy!"