Athaliah

 Athaliah (G), Jezebel (G) , Ahab (B), Joram (B), Ahaziah (B), Elijah (B), Elisha (B), new kings (2B), Jehu (B), rest of the family (3), servants (3), dogs (2), Joash (B), Jehosheba (G), priest

(Enter Athaliah)

Once upon a time, there was a princess, named Athaliah. Athaliah flitted about like a delicate princess and sang a song to the passing birds.

(Enter Ahab, Jezebel, and Ahaziah)

Her father, Ahab, was the king of Samaria. He was a weak and sniveling man, who said to everyone "Whatever you want, dear."

Jezebel was a very beautiful and powerful Phoenician woman. She traipsed around in her lovely, purple robes, and she wore jewels, and lots and lots of makeup.  But she was evil. She said "Everyone must worship Baal! Kill the prophets of God!"  Then she cackled like a witch.

Seeing her mother cackle, Athaliah imitated her, and cackled herself.

(Enter Elijah and Elisha) One day two prophets confronted the royal family.  Elijah said, "God will punish you for your evil ways!"

Elisha shook his fist and said "Yeah!  What he said!"

Suddenly Elijah was taken away in a whirlwind. (Exit Elijah)

Seeing that his friend was gone, Elisha looked sheepish and said "Um, excuse me." and snuck away.

(Exit Elisha, Enter Joram)

King Ahab said "Athaliah, I have a husband for you!  This is King Joram of Jerusalem!"

Joram flexed and tried to impress the princess, but when he looked at her, he was amazed and how beautiful she was. He stared at her, and said "you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!  How my lips long to kiss yours!"

But Athaliah moved away from him, and looked at Jezebel and said "Mom, seriously?"

But Jezebel said "Marry him! Then I'll be queen of Samaria, and you'll be queen of Jerusalem!  We'll be unstoppable!"

The two women cackled together.

King Ahab said "Wonderful! It's all arranged then."

To celebrate their union, Athaliah and Joram danced a traditional wedding dance together.

But it was not all sunshine and rainbows. Elijah's curse started taking affect!

First Ahab went to war, doing his weak man battle cry.  He was shot in the back with an arrow and bled to death in his chariot.

(Exit Ahab)

Then, Athaliah's brother Ahaziah fell from a roof, and died of his injuries.

(Exit Ahaziah)

Then her husband, Joram, got some sort of bowel disease. He pooped and pooped and pooped until he was all pooped out. He pooped himself to death.

  (Exit Joram. Enter new kings, Jehu, rest of the family)

Samaria and Jerusalem both appointed new kings, and everyone started chanting 'Love live the kings!'

(Enter Elisha) But Elisha came back.  He went over to Jehu, whispered something, and gave him a blessing.  Jehu went on a rampage!  First, he killed one king, then another. The rest of the family ran off and hid.

(Exit everyone but Jezebel. Enter servants)

Jezebel made it to a city, and went up into a high tower, protected by her servants. 

(Enter Jehu) Jehu came ride in on his chariot, driving like a maniac. 

Jezebel put on her eye makeup, made herself look beautiful, and looked out the window. She said "Hey there big boy! Are you looking for me?"

But Jehu called to the servants and said "Hey!  Which of you are on my side?"

All three servants raised their hands. 

Jehu said, "Throw that woman out the window!"

So, the servants did. Jezebel fell to her death. 

The smartest kid in the audience said, "it's a classic example of defenestration".

(Enter dogs)

Dogs came in and ate Jezebels body, everything but the hands.

Jehu flexed and said, "Now I'm the king of Samaria!"

(Exit everyone, enter Athaliah, Rest of family, Joash and Jehosheba)

But the rest of the family all shrugged and said, "But who will be king of Jerusalem?"

Athaliah cackled and said "I will be Queen!  I'll kill you all!"

The rest of the family gasped and said, "But you're our grandma!"

Meanwhile, Jehosheba picked up baby Joash, and carried him away. 

(Exit Jehosheba and Joash)

Queen Athaliah killed the rest of the family, then said "I am Queen of Jerusalem!"

The audience gasped.

Athaliah cackled and was an evil queen.

(Exit Athaliah, enter priest and Joash.)

Six years later, a priest introduced Joash to the audience. The priest said, "This child is the true king of Jerusalem!"

The crowd cheered, and started chanting "Long live the king!"

(Enter Athaliah) But when Athaliah heard the commotion, she came into the temple and said "What is this! This is treason!"

(Enter servants)

But the priest pointed at Athaliah and said, "Arrest this usurper!"

The servants grabbed Athaliah, and dragged her out of the temple, and chopped her head off.

Joash became king and was an ancestor of Jesus.