Prodigal Son

Prodigal, older Brother, Father, questionable women, pigs, swineherder, pigs

(Enter prodigal, brother, father)

Once there was a man who had 2 sons.  He was a good father who loved his sons dearly. He would throw the football to them, wrestle with them, and tussle their hair. And he would say "You boys are the apple of my eye!  I love you dearly!"

The younger son said ”that’s great Dad! Say, do you think you could give me my half of my inheritance?”

His father said “uh, generally to get your inheritance, you have to wait until I’m dead.”

The prodigal said “Well, do you think you could get on with it then? I’d really like my money...”

The audience was flabbergasted! They cried out “How date he!” And “Its an outrage!”

But his father merely sighed, and said “Ok son, here is your share of the inheritance.”

The older brother said “Really?”

But the prodigal said “yeah you did!  Woo hoo!”

(Exit Father and older brother, enter questionable women)

So the prodigal took his money, and went to Vegas!  In Vegas, the prodigal...

Suddenly the prodigal interrupted the narrator and said “whoa-  what’s done in Vegas, stays in Vegas”

The narrator looked annoyed and said “not this time!”

Then he went on with the story

So the prodigal went to Vegas where he met questionable women.  And they did what everyone does in Vegas-  they disco danced.  Then they did the Macarena. Then they put their arms around each other and did the can can.

But eventually, the progigals money ran out!  He said “don’t worry girls, I know of a great polka club on the strip and it’s free!”

But the women said “oh, you’re broke? ew!”

Then they went into the audience to flirt with the rich boys.

(Exit women)

The prodigal said “now what will I do?”

(Enter swine herder and pigs)

Suddenly a swine herder entered, driving his pigs through downtown to wallow in a different mud hole.

He said “hey there son, I could use some help,  wanna job?”

But the prodigal said “I hate pigs!  They are ugly, snotty and stinky!”

The pigs oinked in anger.

But the prodigal said “but I do need a job. Ok”

The pigs squealed with delight and began licking his hands.

The swine herder said “alright, feed this slop to the pigs” and he handed the prodigal a bucket.

The prodigal Looked in the bucket and said “yuck what is this stuff?”

The swineherder said “it is the leftovers from the buffet at the polka club. All mashed together in a swill!”

The prodigal said “I wish I could eat some”

Then he said “look at me! I am so desperate. I should at least go back to my father for he treats his servants better than I am being treated.”

So the prodigal left the swineherd her and the pigs and began the long walk back to his father.

(Enter Father)

When his father saw him coming his father ran in super slow motion to hug his son. He held him tight and pat his hair.

But the prodigal fell on his knees and said “Father! Please forgive me, and take me back as a servant because I do not deserve to be called your son.”

But the father said “you are my son and I love you welcome home son we’re gonna have a party.” And so they did.

Joan of Arc

Joan of Arc, British (3), French (3), Burgundians (3), Charles, Jacques, Isabelle, St Michael, Baudricourt, general, Bishop Cauchon 

(Enter British, French)

This saint's life takes place during the 100 years war, in 15th century France.  In Those days the British had invaded France and declared in British accents "This land now belongs to the king of England.  Now let's all celebrate with tea!"

The French were outraged, and said in ridiculous French accents, gesturing with their hands  "Non!  Ve must not drink ze tea!  Jean Pierre, pour me some wine!"

But the British said "How about fish and chips?"

(Enter the Burgundians) 

But the Burgundians sang like the French chef from the Little Mermaid "les poisson, les poisson, how I love les poisson!"  and they shook hands with the British.

The French said "What are you doing?  You are French like us!"

And so the the French fought valiantly against the combined forces of the British and the Burgundians.  But they lost important land like Paris and Reims.

The Burgundians said "nananana boo boo!  We've captured Reims!  Now you can't crown Charles king!"

(Enter Charles)

Charles cried because he was so sad, so the French hugged him and stroked his hair.  Charles said "Since I cannot be king, I will be known as the Dauphin!" 

The British sniggered saying "Dauphin-  doesn't that mean Dolphin?"

And so Charles entertained them with his best Dolphin impersonation.

The narrator pointed out that the British should not find it so funny that the heir to the French throne is called "The Dolphin." After all, the heir to the British throne is the prince of Wales!  

The audience laughed politely at the narrators clever observation.

(Clear the stage.  Enter Joan, Jacques, Isabelle,)

There was a young peasant girl named Joan of Arc.  She lived with her parents, Jacques and Isabelle. 

(Enter Burgundians)

One day the Burgundians ran across the stage, burning Joan's village, while Joan and her family hugged each other and trembled with fear.  (Exit Burgundians)

(Enter St Michael)

Then one day, St Michael appeared to Joan.  He flexed his angelic muscles to show how powerful he was. He said "Joan, God has chosen you to lead the armies of France, lift the siege of Orleans, and crown Charles as king!"

But Joan said "I'm just an illiterate teenage girl!  I don't even know how to ride a horse!"

But St Michael disappeared. 

(exit Michael, Jacques and Isabelle.  Enter Baudricourt)

So Joan went to the local leader, Baudricourt, and said "God has chosen me to lead the French army! Take me to the dauphin!"

(enter Dauphin, French)

Baudricourt was so impressed with Joan, that he brought her to the Dauphin.  The Dauphin said "let me speak privately with this girl"

So Charles and Joan whispered something to each other. Then the Dauphin said "This girl knows stuff she could not possibly know!  I am putting her in charge of the French army!"

(exit Charles, Enter General)

When the General heard this he was angry.  He said "Who puts a teenage girl in charge of an army? I've been fighting this war for my whole life!"  Then to Joan he said "We'll put you at the front-  you can be our mascot- but you're not in charge!"

So the general, Baudricourt, the French, and Joan all got on imaginary horses, and began riding to Orleans to fight the British. 

(Enter British)

When the British saw the French coming, they said  "Kill the maid at the front!"

So they started firing arrows at Joan. One of them hit her right in through the shoulder!  She fell off her horse!  Baudricourt took care of her while the general and the French battled the British with swords.  The battle was very quiet, so the audience could hear the narrator.  But the French were losing badly!

Joan said "Break the arrow head off!"

Baudricourt said "It'll hurt too much!"

But Joan said "Do it!" 

So Baudricourt obeyed.  Then Joan said "Pull out the arrow!"

Baudricourt said "You'll bleed to death!" 

So Joan pulled the arrow out of her own shoulder!  Then she got on her horse, and charged into the battle!  The British were defeated, and they ran away!

(Enter Charles, Bishop) 

Because of the victories of the French, the Bishop was able to Crown Charles!  The French applauded. Charles said "Joan, I owe you my crown!"

(Exit Charles, Bishop, enter Burgundians.)

But the French continued to fight battles with the Burgundians.  In one battle, Joan was captured, while the French ran away!

(exit French, Baudricourt, general, enter British, Bishop)

Joan was brought to trial with the British and Bishop Cauchon. Bishop Cauchon snorted like a pig.

Bishop Cauchon said "Joan, you say you heard voices, and by their power you conquered the British army.  You also dress like a soldier, and soldiers are men, so... you must be a witch!"

One of the British said "She turned me into a newt!  I got better..."

Cauchon said "I sentence you to be burned at the stake as a witch!"

So the British tied Joan to a stake, and burned her alive.  Her last words were "Jesus, I love you."

St Joan of Arc, pray for us!

St John Fisher

John Fisher, page, bishops (3), king, Catherine, Mary, Anne, guards (2), Cromwell, Thomas More, horses (4)

There once was a bishop in England called John Fisher.

(Enter page)

One day a page came and said “Bishop Fisher, the Bishops are all gathering to meet with the king.”

(Enter Bishops)

And so the Bishops gathered, shaking hands and saying British things like “Good day old chap”, and “we should do tea” and using the word “quite” with no apparent context.

Suddenly the page yelled “All hail King Henry!”

(enter king, Catherine and Mary)

In walked the king, swaggering as he went, and offering his hand to the front people in the audience so that they might kiss it. The Bishops honoured the king by genuflecting towards him.

He was followed by his beautiful, doting wife Catherine and their daughter Mary. They smiled and waved royally at everyone.

The Bishops said “Congratulations your majesty on being honoured by the Pope with the title “Defender of the faith”!”

The King said “Thank you!”  Then he said “I've asked you to come together to grant me a divorce from this, my wife of 10 years”.

Catherine continued smiling, but said “Wait, what?”

The King said “Now my dear, don't lose your head. If you would have had a baby boy instead of this girl…”.

Mary said “Wait, what?”

Catherine said “But, that's not my fault!...”

The King said “Don't take it personally.  It's not you, my dear.  It's me… and my new girlfriend, Anne.”

(Enter Anne)

Anne went to king Henry, hugged him, and said “Oh, Henry!  You are so manly and decisive!”

The King said “Thank you, Snooki.” and tapped Anne lightly on the nose.

The Bishops said “ok, you're majesty, you can divorce her.”

But John Fisher said “No you can't!  There's no divorce in the Catholic Church!  The marriage is valid!”

Anne stomped her foot and said “No fair!”

(Enter Cromwell)

In walked Cromwell, with a hunch back and slight limp, and he spoke like Igor.  He went to the king and said “Master!  Why would you obey the Church?  You should make the Church obey you!”

The King said “Great idea! From now on the Church must obey me instead of the pope!”

Catherine said “You can't do that!”

But the Bishops started chanting “Lock her up!  Lock her up!”

(Enter guards) so guards came in and dragged Catherine away.

John Fisher said “You can't do that!”

King Henry said “get him out of here!”  

So guards seized John Fisher and brought him to prison.

(Everyone but John and the guards leave the stage. Enter Thomas More)

So John was imprisoned, along with Thomas More

John said “What are you in for?”

Thomas said “Refusal to recognize the king as head of the Church”.

John nodded “me too”.

(Enter Page)

The page came in and said “Congratulations mister Fisher!  The pope made you a Cardinal!”

Thomas said “Lucky!  The King will have to let you go now!”

But the guards said “Nope!  Cromwell sentenced him to death!”

(Enter the horses, Cromwell, and King, enter Thomas)

Cromwell pointed a finger accusingly at John and said "I sentence you to be hung, drawn and quartered! That means you'll be tied to four horses and dragged four different directions to your death!"

The horses whinnied with delight.

But the king said "Considering he's a cardinal, let's just chop his head off."

The horses snorted in disappointment.

So the guards beheaded him.

St John Fisher-  pray for us!

Francisco and Jacinta

Francisco, Jacinta, Lucia, sheep (3), Mary, Jacinta's mom, Lucia's mother, priest, other people (3), administrator, police (2)

This story takes place in Portugal in 1917.  (Enter administrator)  In those days the government, speaking through the administrator, said "We have expelled the Monarchy! Now let's get rid of priests!"

The audience gasped

(Enter priest)

A priest ran in and said "But why?"

The administrator said "Because we are a government of Masons, and that is what we do."

(Enter police)  Then to the police, the administrator said "Beat that man up please.  He is a priest!"

So the police beat the priest up.

(Clear the stage)

(Enter Francisco, Jacinta, Lucia and sheep)

One day three children, Francisco, Jacinta and Lucia were looking after their sheep, when suddenly there was a flash of light!  Francisco said "Oh no, looks like lightning!  Let's get the sheep into a shelter!"

So the three children rounded up their sheep, which was difficult, because their sheep kept braying and going off the wrong way.

(Enter Mary)

Suddenly Mary appeared to them, bright like the sun, and floating above the trees!

The kids said "Aaah!  Run away!"

But Mary said "Come closer children".

Jacinta said "Where do you come from?"

Mary said "Heaven."

Lucia said "Who are you?"

Mary said "Come back here every month, and in October I will tell you.  Meanwhile, pray the rosary every day."

Then Mary dissapeared.

(Exit Mary)

Lucia said "Guys, don't tell anyone abut this! Let's make it our secret!"

(Enter Jacintas mom and Lucias mother and priest)

But when Jacinta saw her mom, she said "Mama, mama! A beautiful glowing lady appeared to us and told us to pray the rosary!"

Her mom laughed, and turned to the audience saying "Can you believe what my daughter says? Next she'll be telling me it was the blessed virgin herself!!"

But the audience said "The blessed virgin?  Crazy!"

Lucia's Mother said "Lucia, you're not allowed to go back there, y'hear?"

But the local priest said, "Oh, let her. What harm can it do?"

(Enter other people, Mary)

So the children continued to go to the spot, followed now by their mothers and the priest and other people. And every month Mary appeared to the children, but no one else could see her.

(Enter administrator and police, exit mom, mother, sheep, other people, Mary)

One day the local administrator said "This is ridiculous!  I'll put a stop to it!"

And so he had the police arrest the 3 children and throw them in jail, so they would miss their appointment. He said "Ok children, tell me the truth, or I will dump you in boiling oil!"

Jacinta began to cry, while her brother Francisco held her tight, and stroked her hair, saying "There there."

But Lucia stood up boldly and said "We are telling you the truth. If you like, I can ask the lady for permission to share some secrets with you!"

Finally, the administrator let them go.  But because they had missed their appointment with Mary, she appeared to them 6 days later in another place!

(Enter Mary)

 She said "In October there will be a miracle for all to see!" Then she disappeared.

(Exit Mary, enter everyone else)

So on the 13th of October, 1917, everybody came to the Cova to see the children and the miracle.

Suddenly Lucia cried out "Look at the sun!"

The cast and the whole audience gasped as the sun appeared to dance around in the sky!  The cried out "Impossible!" and "A miracle!" and "The children were telling the truth!"

When it looked like the sun would crash into the earth, everyone in the cast and even the audience fell on the floor screaming in terror!

But then suddenly, everything went back to normal.

Jacinta and Francisco died while they were still children, but Lucia grew up to be an elderly nun.

Saint Jacinta and Francisco-  Pray for us!

Blessed Imelda

Blessed Imelda

Count Egano, Castora, Imelda, sister, sacristan, priest

(Enter Count Egano)

There once was a man called Count Egano Lambertini.  Count Egano said, in his best Transylvania accent “One!  One lovely bat. Ah-ah-ah.”

The audience said “Not that kind of count!”

Count Egano said “Do I at least get to where a cape?”

The Narrator said “Ok”.  Count Egano clapped his hands with joy, then fastened his imaginary cape, pretended to drape it over his face, and said “One!  One fashionable purple cape.  Ah-ah-ah.”

The audience said “Oh Brother!”

(Enter Castora)

The count saw a women named Castora.   Castora said “I love a man in a cape…”

Count Egano said “I love a woman who loves a man in a cape.”  Then he kissed her hand, and said “Will you marry me?”

Castora said “Of course, yes!”  And she draped her arms around him.

(Enter Imelda)

Count Egano and Castora had a baby girl, and they named her Imelda.  When Imelda was a little girl, she said “When you receive communion, you receive Jesus into your heart, right?”

Castora said “Of course my dear!”

Imelda said “How can you receive Jesus into your heart and not die?”

Count Egano said “One!  One awkward question!  Ah-ah-ah.”

Castora said “You know by heart, we don’t mean your physical heart, but your spirit….”

But Imelda said “I know- I just think you would die of love.  I wish I could receive communion now!”

But Castora said “Oh, dear.  You are too young!  You have to be at least 14 to receive first communion!”

The narrator then explained that that rule has since then been changed and you can receive communion as young as 7 now.

(Enter sister, Sacristan and Priest)

One day Imelda was with her mom and dad and sister at Mass.  They were kneeling and praying, and a strange mysterious light was seen floating above Imelda’s head.

The  Sacristan came over and tried to grab the weird light, but it could not be grabbed. The priest said “It’s a miracle!  We should let Imelda receive communion even though she’s too young!”

So the priest took communion to her and said “The Body of Christ!”

Imelda said “Amen” and received her first communion.

Afterwards, she just kept kneeling with a great big smile on her face. She stayed perfectly still as a statue.  Mass ended, and the priest, sacristan, and Imelda’s family all walked out.  But Imelda just stayed there, like a statue, with a great big smile on her face!

Eventually her sister came back and said “Imelda!  It’s time to go home now!”

But Imelda didn’t move.

Her sister said “Hello, Imelda!”  And waved her hand in front of Imelda’s face.

Imelda didn’t even blink. She just kept kneeling with a big silly grin on her face.

Her sister said, in a very whiny voice “Imelda, come on!”  And she shook her.

But Imelda just fell over, dead.  She loved Jesus so much that when she received him she died and went to Heaven!

Blessed Imelda is the patron saint of first communion.

Blessed Imelda- Pray for us!

St Lazarus

Lazarus, Mary, Martha, friends (2)  Jesus, disciples (2), servant, pharisees (2), Paul, Mother Mary, 

Part of this story is historical and recorded in the Bible, and part might be true but might just be myth. When I say "Now it's time for the mythological part!" everybody go 'doodly doodly' and wave your fingers.  

(Enter Lazarus, Mary, Martha, friends)

There was once a man named Lazarus, who lived with his sisters, Mary and Martha, in a town called Bethany.  They loved to party with their friends- especially Mary and Lazarus.  Martha usually just did all the work, making pizza bagels and mixing drinks.

(Enter Jesus, disciples)

But the best parties were when Jesus and his disciples came!  Everyone said "Hey!"  and "Welcome to the party!" And made jokes like "Great drinks, Martha, but get Jesus a glass of water and see what He can do!"

(Jesus, disciples go to far end of the stage, enter servant to Bethany end)

One day Lazarus said "I don't feel so good.  In fact, I think I'm dying!"

Martha said to the servant "Go get Jesus."

Everyone at the Bethany end froze like statues while the audience watched what happened where Jesus was.

So the servant ran all the way and said to Jesus, between gasps of breath "Jesus!  Your friend Lazarus is sick, and may be dying!"

But Jesus and the disciples were in the middle of a game of risk, so Jesus said "I'll come when this game is done."

The disciples said "If Lazarus is dying, don't you think we should go now?"

But Jesus said "Yeah right... and lose Australia?  Pass the red dice."

(Exit servant)

Four days later Jesus stood up and stretched and said "Maybe we should just take a photo of the game and come back to it."  Then he and the disciples sauntered over to Bethany.  

When they got there, the people in Bethany stopped being frozen, but Lazarus was already dead!

Mary and Martha and their friends were crying, and said "Why didn't you come sooner?"

But Jesus said "I am the resurrection and the life."

Martha said between sniffles  "I know my brother will rise on the last day..."

Jesus wept.

Then he said "Open the tomb!"

Martha said "Lazarus has been dead for 4 days!  There will be a stink!"

Mary said "He didn't even smell that good while he was alive!"

But they did as he said, and Jesus said "Lazarus come out!"

Lazarus stood up and walked out like a mummy!

Everyone was amazed!

Now it's time for the mythological part!  

(doodly, doodly)

(Exit Jesus, disciples, Mary, Martha, friends,  enter pharisees,)

Ever since Lazarus was raised by Jesus, the pharisees wanted him killed.  They gathered together and plotted his demise. 

Lazarus never smiled, because he said "Now I've seen Hell and how many people are there!"

(Enter Paul)

St Paul came to Lazarus and said "Let's go to Cyprus!"  So they linked arms and skipped to Cyprus, while the pharisees said "Drat, we missed him!"

(Exit Pharisees, enter Mother Mary)

In Cyprus, Paul said "You know, you'd make a great Bishop!"

Mother Mary said "Oooh, and I have just the outfit for you!" Then she put her home made bishop's outfit on him and said "Wow... you are one good looking Bishop!"

And so Lazarus became the bishop of Cyprus. Eventually he died for a second time, but this time he stayed dead.

St Clement

Clement, Linus, Cletus, Peter, Roman Guards (3), hooligans (3) prisoners (3) lamb

Clement used to hang out with his friends, Linus and Cletus, playing soccer in Rome. Being Italian, Clement corrected the narrator, saying "It's called Football!"  The Narrator corrected Clement back and said "The sport hasn't even been invented yet. Probably you were just kicking a gourd around."

(Enter Peter)

They were devoted followers of Peter, the apostle and bishop of Rome.

Linus said "Tell us again about the time you walked on water!"

The audience said "Yes, Peter, tell us!"

But Peter said "Some other time boys.  Right now I have to be martyred."

(Enter Roman Guards).

In marched 3 roman guards, who arrested Peter and nailed him to a cross.  Peter said "what an honour, to die like Jesus did!"

So the guards turned him upside down. Peter died, and was buried on a hill called Vatican outside of Rome.

(Peter leave)

The audience said "Now Linus is the Pope!"

Linus said "Good grief!" as the guards arrested him, and killed him.  He was buried beside Peter.

(Linus leave)

The audience said "Now Cletus is the Pope!"

Cletus said in best hillbilly voice "I will try to live up to the dignity of my name!"

But the roman guards arrested him and killed him too.  He was buried beside Linus.

(Cletus leave)

The audience said "Now Clement is Pope!"

Clement said "Guys, not so loud!  It didn't go so well for the previous 3 popes!"

But fortunately the guards didn't notice, because they were busy playing Croquet.

Clement said "Seriously?  Was croquet even invented yet?"

The narrator said "No, they were just hitting around a stuffed sheeps' bladder with sticks.  Now, stop interrupting."

(Enter hooligans)

Suddenly the sheep bladder hitting game was interrupted by a group of hooligans, behaving hooliganishly. The Roman Guards said "What is the meaning of this?"

The hooligans pointed at Clement and said "It's the Christians!  They're causing trouble!"

So the guards arrested Clement, and brought him to Crimea, to work in a marble-quarry.  Before Clement could ask, the narrator pointed out that the modern game of marbles was invented in the 1800's in Germany, although there is evidence that ancient Romans and Egyptians played similar games.  The audience nodded, appreciative of the valuable knowledge they were obtaining.

(Hooligans leave. Prisoners enter)

At the marble-quarry, Clement found the prisoners working hard with pickaxes, chopping at the rock. The prisoners were very tired and thirsty from their work. They said "If only there was a source of water that was less than 6 miles away!"

So Clement prayed and said "Dear God, please let me find water!"

(Enter lamb)

Suddenly he noticed a lamb pawing at the ground. Clement took his pickaxe and struck the spot the lamb had indicated, and water bubbled up!  He was so happy he kissed the lamb on the nose!

(Exit Lamb)

The prisoners rejoiced, saying "Yay!  From now on we will all be Christians like Clement!"

But one of the prisoners said "If only there was a source of vodka that was less than 12 miles away."

Clement said "Nice try."

So Clement and the prisoners continued their work, singing praise songs to Jesus as they did.

The roman guards looked at each other and said "Great, now all the prisoners are Christian!  Let's just kill Clement."

So they tied an anchor to Clements neck, and threw him into the Black Sea.

St Clement, Pope and Martyr-  Pray for us!