St Joseph

Joseph, Salome (f), children, Mary, Zechariah, Jesus, Herod, angel

In this account of the life of St Joseph, we will take heavily from sources other than the Bible.  Some of these accounts go back almost as far back as scripture itself, but we cannot be certain of their accuracy.

(Joseph, Salome and 6 kids on stage)

St Joseph was a carpenter.  He was young and strong, and when he used his saw, he would flex his arm.  The girls in the audience would say "ooh, la la!"

But Joseph was married to a woman named Salome. He and Salome had 6 children! He trained his children well in carpentry, and one by one his kids moved out into the audience to start their own families, sitting beside the person they had a crush on. (Allow for a moment of comedy, then settle everybody down.)

Then Salome died. Joseph got very old, 90 years old, but stayed healthy!

(Zechariah enter)

One day a man named Zechariah came to Joseph and said "Joseph, I know that you are an old widower, and that you are an upright man.  Will you marry one of the girls from the temple to keep her honour?"

Joseph said "How old is she?"

Zechariah said "14."  then broke into a coughing fit.

The audience said "Creepy!"

But Joseph turned to the audience and said "The girls is a committed virgin-  I'm just gonna look after her, and make sure she gets taken care of."  Then, under his breath, he muttered "jerks".

To Zechariah he said "Of course I will."

(Zechariah leave, Mary Enter)

When Mary saw Joseph, she threw her arms around him and said "yay!  Thanks for marrying me!  I promise to be a good wife!"

But then a few months later Mary came and said "I'm pregnant."

Joseph said "What?  But you said..."

Mary said "I know, but an angel appeared to me, and the Holy Spirit came down on me, and one thing led to another..."

Joseph said "Um, so the father is God? Just give me some time to think."

(Mary leave, angel enter)

An angel appeared to Joseph and said "Don't be afraid to take Mary as your wife.  She's legit"  Then the angel disappeared.

Then the angel reappeared and said "Oh yeah-  name the baby Jesus"  Then the angel disappeared again.

(Mary and Zechariah enters.)

So Joseph married Mary, and this made Mary merry.  Zechariah said "I now pronounce you man and wife.  You may kiss the bride."

Joseph puckered up, but Mary said "No you may not... remember?"

Joseph said "awww."

(Zechariah leave)

One day Joseph and Mary went to Bethlehem, and Joseph brought Mary to a stable to have a baby, saying "Good thing you're in stable condition."

Mary gave birth to a baby, and they named him Jesus.

But while Mary was holding Jesus in her lap, and tickling his chin, saying "coochie-coochie-coo", an angel appeared to Joseph again saying "King Herod wants to kill your baby!  Run away to Egypt"

So Joesph picked up baby Jesus, and ran holding Jesus with Mary to Egypt, while a maniacal Herod ran in saying "kill all the babies!"   Then Herod died.

While Mary, Jesus and Joseph were learning to walk like Egyptians, and Angel appeared to Joseph and said "Ok, you're good.  You can go back now!"

Joseph raised Jesus until he was 21 years old-  then, when Joseph was 111, the angel came and threw Joseph over his shoulder and took him to Heaven.

St Joseph-  pray for us!

Pier Giorgio Frassati

Pier Giorgio, Dad, Mom, Sister, friends, fascists (3), communists (2), police (2), poor(2), sick (2)

(Enter Pier, mom, dad, sister)

Pier Giorgio was born into a wealthy family in Turin in 1901.  He lived with his mom and dad and sister.  His dad owned and published an important newspaper, called La Stampa. His father said "Pier, it always important to speak the truth, no matter how unpopular it may be!"

(exit mom and dad and sister, enter friends)

When Pier was a teenager, he loved hanging out with his sister and his friends.  They would climb mountains together, go camping, and play pool.  But sometimes his friends would say "C'mon, Pier, let's go play pool!"  And Pier would say "Wait, I haven't had my prayer time yet!"

(Enter poor)

Other times, Pier and his friends would be waiting for the train, when poor people came and asked for money.  Pier would always give them what he had. His friends would say "Pier-  you need that money for the train!"  

But Pier would say "It's OK-  I'll just run home."  So Pier would run all the way home.  

(Exit friends, enter mom and dad)

He'd get home breathless, and his parents would say "Pier, stop giving your money away and praying every day.  I hope you don't become a priest or something!"

(exit mom and dad)

When Pier was done school, he went on to University to study Engineering.  Pier was so good looking, that all the girls in the audience said "He's so dreamy", and giggled.  

(Enter Fascists and Communists and friends)

But Italy was splitting into different factions.  Communists and Fascists (later known as Nazis) would fight in the streets.  

Pier and his friends said "We don't want to be part of either group!  We will form our own group, called "The Sinister ones!"  And they spent their time pulling practical jokes on each other.

(Exit communists, friends. Enter mom, dad, sister)

But the Fascists did not like Pier or the stuff that his dad wrote in the paper.  One night they broke into his house, and attacked his dad.  His mom cried, and his sister screamed.  But Pier beat the tar out of the fascists and chased them away!

(Exit fascists, mom, dad, sister, enter friends, police)

Another time Pier and his friends were part of a protest organized by the Church.  The Police came to break up the protest.  The police pulled out clubs, and started beating and arresting people who would not listen. They yelled "Go Home!"   

But Pier stood his ground, saying "You want peace?  Work for justice!" 

Pier and his friends were arrested, and thrown into prison. The Police said "What is your name?"  

Pier said "Pier Giorgio Frassati"

The police said "Frassati?  I'm sorry, we didn't know how important you were!  Please, come with us sir, and we will give you a better place to stay!"

But Pier said "No. I will stay with my friends."

(Exit police, enter poor, sick)

When Pier got out of jail, he spent so much time with the poor and the sick, looking after them, that his parents and friends would often say "C'mon Pier!  It's unbecoming of a rich man!"

Pier eventually got an illness from the sick he looked after, and he died when he was only 24 years old. 

At his funeral, not only did the rich and his family come, but thousands of poor and sick people, who all said "This guy was a real saint".

St Pier Giorgio Frassati-  Pray for us!

Joseph of Cupertino

Joseph, Jesus, angels (2), bullies (3), monks (3), inquisition (2), horses (2)

(Enter Joseph, Jesus and Angels on deck)

There once was a man named Joseph.  When Joseph was a kid, he used to pray regularly, and on occasion he would experience something called an “Ecstasy”.  When this happened, he would see visions of Jesus or Angels!  He would become still and smile a big silly smile!

(Enter Bullies)

The school bullies would see Joseph, but not the visions, so they would make fun of him. They would say mean things like “Hey stupid, what are you looking at?”  and “I think he sees visitors from the sky” and “run, Forrest, run!”

(Exit bullies. Jesus and angels, enter monks, horses)

When Joseph got older, he really wanted to be a priest, so he went to the monks, who were busy practicing their monkish singing.  But the monks said “He’s too dumb-  he can’t be a priest!”  Joseph got down on his knees and begged the monks, saying “Please, just let me take care of the horses!” 

So Joseph spent his time feeding the horses.  The horses whinnied with delight as Joseph stroked their mains and patted them on the necks, and they licked the sugar out of his hand.  But the monks said  "Let him write a few tests to see if he could become a priest".  Everyone was shocked when he passed the tests!

(Exit horses)

So Joseph became a priest, and started saying Mass.  But sometimes during Mass he would go into a trance of ecstasy.  Then he started doing something new.  While in his trance he would start hovering off the ground!  The monks would snap him out of it, by yelling at him and waving in front of his face and he would fall back to the ground!

Some of the monks said  “He must be a saint!”

But other monks said “This is witchcraft!”

(Enter the Inquisition)

So they called in the inquisition.

The audience said "No one expects the inquisition!"

The adults in the room chuckled softly, but no one else did because they didn't get the joke.

 The inquisition were men who made sure that everyone believed what the Catholic Church taught. They walked around with their noses up in the air, looking down at everyone and looking for opportunities to judge people. They had big evil eyes, and they stared at everyone with them. Sometimes they were evil, and forced people to say the right answer, on the pain of torture or death!

They cornered Joseph, and asked him tough questions, like "If God can do anything, can He make a wall that He can't climb over?"  and "why do you drive on a parkway but park in a driveway?" and "why were the first two people who saw superman so excited about a bird or a plane?"

Because Joseph was so dumb, he could not answer their questions, so he just said "I don't know".  But the Inquisitors were astounded!  They said "He's right! I guess this means we don't get to torture him."

The crowd was very disappointed. They said "awe, shucks!"

Still, to stop Joseph from flying, they chained him down.  But then while praying, Joseph went into a trance and broke the chains and began flying, and this time all the monks and all the inquisitors saw it, and they were flabbergasted!

Eventually the Church realized that Joseph was a saint.  He is the patron saint of Pilots and astronauts.

St Joseph Cupertino-  Pray for us!

Abraham

Abraham, Sarah, God, Hagar, Ishmael, Isaac, Goat

Disclaimer-  Abraham is not typically considered a saint, since he lived and died before Jesus, but he is probably in Heaven so that would make him a saint anyway!

(Enter Abraham and Sarah)

There once was a man named Abraham.  He was married to a woman named Sarah.  Sarah and Abraham were very much in love, and they would spend hour looking lovingly into each other’s eyes.  But Sarah was old, and she had never had a baby.  She was so upset about this that she cried and cried. 

(Enter God)

One day God appeared to Abraham.  The crowd sang "Alleluia".

Abraham worshiped God in fear.  God said “If you obey me,  I will make you a Father of many nations. Now take your family, and leave this place for another land.”

(Exit God)

So Abraham did as he was told.  Holding hands, Abraham and Sarah skipped all the way to the Land of Canaan.  But still, no baby came. One day Sarah said Abraham, I’m never gonna have a baby.  You might as well have a baby with my servant Hagar.”

Abraham said “I could never be unfaithful to you Sarah!”

(Enter Hagar)

 But when he saw Hagar, who flipped her hair gorgeously, he said “Vavavoom!” and took Hagars hand and skipped away!

(Enter Ishmael)

So Hagar had a baby, and named him Ishmael.

(Enter God)

But God said “That’s not what I meant!  Sarah will have the baby herself!”

Sarah laughed because she thought that was ridiculous.

(God exit, enter Isaac)

But eventually Sarah did have a baby, and named him Isaac. Abraham was 100 years old!

Hagar would all get up in Sarah’s grill, saying things like “Ishmael was born first, so he’s gonna inherit everything”  And she would snap three times to indicate her bad attitude.

So Sarah went to Abraham and said “Hagar’s being mean.  Send her away.”

So Abraham said “Hagar, your services are no longer required. Please leave.”

Hagar and Ishmael left, very sad.

(Exit Hagar and Ishmael, exit Sarah, enter God)

But God said “Don’t worry, Abraham, I’ll take care of Ishmael. But his descendants and Isaacs descendants will never get along!  Now, take your son Isaac, and kill him on an altar as a sacrifice to me!”

Abraham was all “What?”

God said “C’mon, everybody is doing it! Can’t you worship me the way everyone else worships their Gods?”

(Exit God)

So Abraham took Isaac up Mount Moriah, and built an altar, and tied Isaac up, and laid him on the altar, and was about to kill him when God reappeared and said “Wait!  Don’t kill him!  Kill this goat instead!”

(Enter goat, baaing, with horns stuck in a bush)

And Abraham saw a goat, and killed it, and he and Isaac ate the meat.  Then Abraham said “God , that was messed up. “

God said “Don’t worry-  it’ll make sense in about 2000 years!”  

"St" Abraham-  pray for us!

St Peter

St Peter

Simon (Peter), James, John, Andrew, Jesus, Roman Soldiers (2), servant girl, Mary Magdalene, Holy Spirit

(Enter  Simon Peter, James and John)

There once was a man named Simon, who was fishing with his friends James and John. They were in the boat, throwing their nets over, trying to catch fish, but they weren’t catching any. 

(Enter Andrew, Jesus)

Suddenly, Simon’s brother Andrew ran up and said “Simon!  We found the Messiah!”  Then he pointed at Jesus.

Then Jesus said “Did you catch any fish?”

Simon said “No, we’re packing it in.”

Jesus said “Throw your nets over one more time.”

James said “That stupid carpenter thinks he can teach us how to fish?”

Simon said “Whatever, let’s do what he says.”

So they threw the net over, because everyone does what Simon says.  This time it was so full of fish they couldn’t lift it out!

So Peter and James and John and Andrew all said “Jesus we will follow you anywhere you go!”

Jesus said “Even if they kill me?”

Simon said “You bet!”

Jesus said “Deal.”  Then they all did their secret apostle handshake.  Then they all followed Jesus, singing “Following the leader, the leader, the leader” as Jesus wandered all over the place.

One day Jesus asked them “Who do you think I am?”

John said “A prophet!”

Andrew said “John the Baptist back from the dead!”

James said “A good teacher and a snazzy dresser!”

Simon said “You are the son of God, the Messiah!”

Jesus said “You’re right, Simon!  But you didn’t guess that on your own- the Holy Spirit told you. From now on we’ll call you Peter, which means Rock.  Because you Rock, and on this rock I will build my Church.”

Peter said “Rock on!” and tried to get a high five for his joke, but no one would give him one.

Then Jesus said “Well, being the Messiah isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  Now I have to go get crucified!”

Peter said “I’ll come!” 

(Enter Roman Soldiers)

But when Roman Soldiers came to arrest Jesus, Peter went and hid.

(Exit James, John, Andrew. Enter Servant girl)

A servant girl saw him hiding, and said “Hey- aren’t you friends with Jesus?”

Peter said “no… never heard of him.”

The girl said “yes” Peter said “No” she said “Yes” he said “No”.  Then Jesus walked by shaking his head sadly.  Peter went off and cried.

(Exit servant girl, Roman Soldiers, Jesus.  Enter John, James, Andrew)

Later all the apostles were together again, and John was saying.  “It was awful-  I saw him die!”

(Enter Mary Magdalene)

Suddenly Mary Magdalene ran into the room and said “Jesus is alive!” 

(Enter Jesus)

Jesus appeared and said “Peter, do you love me”?

Peter said “yes”.

So Jesus said “Then be the first Pope.”  Then he flew away to Heaven.

(Exit Jesus. enter Holy Spirit)

Peter was still scared, but the Holy Spirit came and rested on him, which made him strong, so Peter said “from now on, I will not be afraid to tell everyone about Jesus!”

(Exit Holy Spirit)

So Peter and the apostles went everywhere, telling everyone about Jesus. 

(Enter Roman Soldiers)

One day Roman soldiers arrested Peter, saying “You are not allowed to tell people about Jesus.  For disobeying me, you are sentenced to be crucified.”

Peter said “Jesus himself was crucified!  What an honour!”

So the roman said “In that case, we’ll crucify you upside down.”

And so Peter was crucified upside down. He screamed in agony and died.

Thomas the apostle

St Thomas

Thomas, Jesus, Romans (2), Disciples (4), Mary, Indians (3), 3 wise men

(Enter Thomas, Jesus, Disciples) 

Thomas was one of the twelve apostles.  The apostles were the important disciples of Jesus who followed him around everywhere, and imitated everything that Jesus did.  Some times Jesus would do ridiculous things to see if the disciples would imitate him-  and of course, the disciples would.

(Enter Romans)

 One day, Romans caught Jesus, and killed him, Nailing him to a cross!

(Exit Romans, Jesus, Thomas, enter Mary)

  After that the disciples were very afraid!  They would all lock themselves into a big room, and not let anyone in unless they did the secret knock.  One day, while Thomas wasn’t there, Mary, the Mother of Jesus came to the room the disciples were in, and did the secret knock.  The disciples let her in, saying “Are you sure you weren’t followed?”  Then they locked the door behind her. 

Suddenly Jesus walked through the wall.  The disciples all yelled “It’s a ghost!”  Some of them even peed their pants.  But Jesus breathed on them and said “Peace!  I’m not a ghost.”  Then taking some fish, he ate it in front of them saying “See?  If I was a ghost, this chewed up fish would be falling through my body onto the ground!”  

Then Jesus disappeared.

The audience said "Whoa"

(Enter Thomas)

A few minutes later, Thomas came and did the secret knock.  The disciples let him in, and said “Where were you?  Jesus is alive, and he appeared to us!”

Thomas said “Yeah Right.  I need proof. To believe that I would have to put my finger in the holes in his hands, and my hand into the hole in his side!”

(Enter Jesus)

Suddenly Jesus appeared again.   Thomas peed his pants.  Jesus said “Here, put your finger in the hole in my hands, and your hand into the hole in my side!”

Thomas said “Uhhh… I’m good, actually.”  Then he fell down and worshiped Jesus, saying “My Lord and my God!”

Jesus said “You believe because you had proof.  Blessed are those who believe without proof! Then Jesus went up to Heaven.

(Exit Jesus, Thomas)

A while later, when Thomas was out again, Mary died.  The disciples were very sad, since she was like a mom to them.  But then they left her dead body and went home.  

(Exit Disciples)
When Thomas got there, he saw Mary’s dead body come back to life, and go up to Heaven!  And as she left she dropped her girdle!  

(Exit Mary, Enter Disciples)

So Thomas told all the other disciples “I just saw Mary come back to life and go into the sky!  She must have gone to Heaven!”

The other disciples said “That’s quite the assumption!” 

The audience laughed at the joke, except the ones who didn’t get it.  Nobody bothered to explain it to them.

(Exit disciples, enter wise men)

Thomas went to India.  As he was walking, he passed the three wise men, who were singing “We three kings, of orient are….”  

Thomas said “Hi”

The wise men said “Hi.”  And they went on their way.

(Exit wise men, enter Indians)

In India, Thomas baptized many Indians.  He built churches and turned some Indians into Bishops.  But then someone killed him by throwing a spear at him.

There are still Christians in southern India to this day who’s Church was founded by Thomas! 

St Thomas the Apostle-  Pray for us!

Monica

St Monica

Monica, Patricius, 2 women, Augustine, Drunk friends (4, some boys and girls), Manicheans (Man- E-key-ans) (3), Bishop

(Enter Monica and Patricius)

There once was a woman named Monica of Hippo.  She was married to a man named Patricius.  While Monica was a Christian and worshiped Jesus, doing things like going to Mass and making the sign of the Cross,  Patricius was a pagan, and he worshiped Jupiter, doing things like offering incense and bowing before a statue saying You are so mighty and powerful!  Do not smite me oh Jupiter!"  

Monica said "I'm pretty sure Jupiter is just a gas giant." But Patricius ignored her.

  Monica was always polite, and worked hard, and tried to be holy.  Patricius would get mad, and say “Oh, do you have to be so good all the time?  It’s not fun!”  Some times Patricius would go into a rage, jumping around and yelling and breaking things.  Monica would just stay out of his way! 

(Enter 2 women)

 At other times, Patricius would cheat on Monica with other women. One day Monica saw Patricius, and he had 2 women with him, one on each arm. Monica said “Excuse me?  And who are these floozies?” 

The women snapped their fingers three times, and said “Oh no you didn’t.”

Patricius said “Monica of Hippo, I would like you to meet these two floozies… er, I mean, women… who are also my lovers.  Monica of Hippo, this is Barbara of Rhino and Silvia of Ring-Tailed Lemur.”

Monica said “Patricius, I am your wife.  Send these women away!” 

So Patricius sent them away, but as they were leaving he said “I’ll look you up on Facebook!” 

(Exit women)

 Then Patricius said to Monica “Boy Monica, this isn’t like you.  You usually just put up with my floozies.  What’s wrong?”

Monica said “I’m having a baby.”  Suddenly, Augustine was born. 

(Enter Augustine)

Augustine greeted his parents, saying “Hello Mother.  Hello Father.  I am your new infant son.”

Monica said “Let’s get him baptized!”

Patricius said “No!”

Augustine said “I think I’m dying!”  Then he started spasming and fell to the ground.

Monica said “Please Patricius!  He must be baptized before he dies!”

Patricius said “Oh, all right.”

But at that moment Augustine stood up again and said “I got better!”

Patricius said “Oh good, no need to baptize you after all!”

Monica said “Seriously?” 

Then Patricius died.  (Exit Patricius)

Augustine grew up,and was a lot like his dad.  Augustine said “Mom, my philosophy in life is to be as selfish as possible, and have fun and get drunk all the time!”

(Enter drunk friends)

Augustine’s drunken friends said “Party!”  and started dancing. Then Augustine chose the most attractive girl from among his friends, and brought her to his mom saying "Oh by the way, Mom, this is my new girlfriend-  Cecilia of Zebra!”

Monica said “Whatever happened to Beatrice of Orangutan?”

Augustine said “Seriously?  I broke up with her like 2 weeks ago, when I started dating Phoebe of Chimpanzee, who I broke up with for Helen of Wombat.”

Monica said “Please Jesus, may my son have a conversion!”

(Exit drunk friends including Cecilia of Zebra)

Sometime later Augustine came to Monica and said “Good news, mom!  I had a conversion!”

Monica said “Praise the Lord!”

Augustine said “I joined the Manicheans (Man-E-key-ans)!”

The Manicheans all rushed on to stage and joined Augustine. 

Augustine said “We believe that the soul is good, but the body is evil.  We believe that it is holy to eat beans, and to release their spirits from their bodies in the form of farts!  Hit it, boys!”

So Augustine and the Manicheans started farting to the tune of the Alleluia Chorus.

Monica started crying, saying "And I thought Patricius worshiped a gas giant! Please, Lord, make it stop!”

(Enter Bishop, Exit Manicheans)

An unnamed Bishop came and said “Fear not Monica!  Your tears will not be wasted!”

Augustine finally did become Catholic in the end, and the Bishop baptized him.  Then his mom hugged him, and then she died.

St Monica-  Pray for us!