St Leo the Great

Pope Sixtus III, Leo, Emperor, Christians (2), Romans (2), Attila the Hun, Huns (3), Geneseric the Vandal, Vandals (3)


(Enter Pope Sixtus III, Leo, Emperor, Christians, Romans).

The fifth century was a tumultuous time. Everyone in Rome huddled together, trembling, and saying  "Oh the tumult, the tumult!"

The Romans said "Ever since our empire became Christian, we've been invaded by wave after wave of barbarians! We should never have stopped worshiping  Mars!"

But Christian number 1 said "It's not our fault the empire is collapsing! We must worship Jesus, because he is the one true God!"

Christian number 2 said "I hate to correct you, dear brother, but Jesus was a man and not God."

Christian number 1 said "That's crazy... he was God!  How could God become man?"

And so the Christians argued amongst themselves, yelling in turn "God!" "Man!" "God!"  "Man!"

Pope Sixtus said "Oh dear, these divisions will tear us apart!  Leo, do you have time to solve this debate?"

Leo said "I may not have the time, but I have the tome!!!"  Leo looked for someone to laugh at his joke, but not a single person got it. The narrator resolved to google it later.

Leo said to the Christians. "You're both right!  Jesus is God, and man!"

The audience though that was pretty trippy, so they said "whoa" as if they were high.

The Christians hugged each other, saying "Hurray for Christian unity!"

Then Pope Sixtus died. The Christians said "Let's make Leo the next Pope!"

(Exit Sixtus, enter Attila and the Huns.)

Attila and the Huns rode their horses all around the Christians, Romans, Emperor and Pope Leo.  The Huns  hooted and hollered, saying "Attack the city of Rome, the greatest city in the world!"

The emperor was a weak man, and he said in a wimpy voice "Oh my! We will be destroyed! The Huns are the most vicious people in all the world!"

One of the Romans said "They are so uncivilized- they never get off their horses!"

Another Roman said "They eat their meat raw!"

Attila said "Correction! We do not eat out meat raw. We place the meat under our bare legs, and it cooks between our legs and the bodies of our horses!"

The huns each took a slab of meat out from under their thighs and started ripping at it with their teeth.  The audience groaned in disgust.

The emperor whimpered "Whatever are we to do?"

Pope Leo said "I got this."  Then he went out and greeted Attila, and said "In the name of Jesus you will leave Rome alone!"

Attila pouted, but said "Oh, ok. C'mon Huns!"

But the Huns whined saying  "But Attila!"

Attila scolded them like an angry parent "I mean it! Let's go, Huns!"

So the Huns all rode off on their horses (Exit Attila and the Huns)

Everyone celebrated the departure of the barbarians!  The Romans said "We thought the fall of Rome was the fault of the Christians! But now we see that you are defenders of Rome! No one will mess with us now!"

(Enter Geneseric and the vandals.)

Geneseric said mockingly "Oh, no?"

Leo said "Who are you, and what do you want?"

Geneseric said "We are the vandals, and we are here to destroy Rome and all it's treasures for no reason!"

The Emperor said "You mean, to vandalize it?"

Geneseric said. "Very astute. The word vandalize comes from the word vandal. Which is what we are."

The audience members whispered to each other "This is so educational!"

Leo said "Gosh, guys, you've come all this way... how bout this... you could loot Rome, steal whatever you want, but don't wreck anything, or steal our wives, and we'll just step aside."

Geneseric said "But, we're vandals. Wrecking stuff is what we do... but you're such a nice guy... oh, ok."

So Geneseric and his vandals stole from the people of Rome, but didn't wreck anything. Then they left.

The Emperor waved saying "Good bye!  Come again soon!"

(Exit vandals)

Everyone said "Wow. Leo, you were great!"

Leo said "Hmmm... Leo the Great. I like the sound of that."

And everyone had a hearty chuckle.

St Leo the Great!

Pray for us!

Francis Xavier

Francis, Ignatius, Nicholas, Simao, Peter, ladies (2), Indians (2), Japanese (2), Anjiro, Portuguese sailors (2).

(Enter Francis Xavier and Ladies)

There once was a man named Francis Xavier.  Francis was rich and would show off his money.  He was also cute.  The ladies would giggle and swoon, saying, "He's so dreamy!"  He was also a good athlete, especially when it came to high jump.

In fact, he would brag, "I can jump higher than a house!"  

The ladies would say "wow!" and squeeze his muscles. 

But then he'd say, "That's nothing... a house can't jump!"  

The ladies would giggle and say, "Oh, you!"

(Enter Peter, Ignatius)

Francis lived with his friend Peter, and they studied together in school. One day, a man named Ignatius came to live with them.  Ignatius limped because he had been in a war, and his leg had been hit by a cannonball. Ignatius prayed all the time, and he inspired Peter and Francis.  One day, Peter said, "Ignatius, you've inspired me, now I want to be a priest!"

The audience applauded.

Ignatius said to Francis, "What about you?"

But Francis said, "No, I want to be rich!"  Then he put an arm around each of the ladies and said, "Besides, it wouldn't be fair to the ladies!"

(Exit Ladies, enter Nicholas and Simao)

But one night, Francis, Ignatius, Peter, and their friends Nicholas and Simao all snuck together into a crypt and made a vow.  Speaking in unison, they said, "I hereby do solemnly swear to live a life of chastity, obedience to the pope, and poverty."

The girls in the audience all said in unison, "Aw, shucks."

Then Ignatius said, "We should be missionaries!  Nicholas, Simao, go to Asia!"

Nicholas and Simao said, "Sir, yes, sir!"  But then Nicholas suddenly fell ill.

Ignatius said, "Francis, can you give me a hand?"  Then Ignatius started laughing as if he had said something funny.

But Francis said, "I don't get it."

Ignatius wiped a tear from his eye and said, "Too soon?"  When still no one got it, he said, "Go with Peter to Asia."

(Enter sailors, Exit Ignatius, Peter, Nicholas)

So Francis and Simao and the sailors set out on the High seas, where they were tossed by large winds and waves.

(Enter Indians)

They landed in India, where Francis told the Indians about Jesus, and baptized many of them!

(Enter Anjiro)  There he met a Japanese man named Anjiro.  Anjiro folded his hands and said in his best Japanese accent, "Please, Mr. Francis Sir, come with me to Japan, and I will be your translator and guide!"

(Exit Indians and Sailors and Simao, enter Japanese)

So Francis travelled all the way to Japan, where he told the Japanese about the love of God.  He tried to meet the Emperor, but was not allowed.

He eventually died just outside of China. His body is incorrupt and is still mostly intact 500 years later.

St Francis Xavier, pray for us!

Prodigal Son

Prodigal, older Brother, Father, questionable women, pigs, swineherder, pigs

(Enter prodigal, brother, father)

Once there was a man who had 2 sons.  He was a good father who loved his sons dearly. He would throw the football to them, wrestle with them, and tussle their hair. And he would say "You boys are the apple of my eye!  I love you dearly!"

The younger son said ”that’s great Dad! Say, do you think you could give me my half of my inheritance?”

His father said “uh, generally to get your inheritance, you have to wait until I’m dead.”

The prodigal said “Well, do you think you could get on with it then? I’d really like my money...”

The audience was flabbergasted! They cried out “How date he!” And “Its an outrage!”

But his father merely sighed, and said “Ok son, here is your share of the inheritance.”

The older brother said “Really?”

But the prodigal said “yeah you did!  Woo hoo!”

(Exit Father and older brother, enter questionable women)

So the prodigal took his money, and went to Vegas!  In Vegas, the prodigal...

Suddenly the prodigal interrupted the narrator and said “whoa-  what’s done in Vegas, stays in Vegas”

The narrator looked annoyed and said “not this time!”

Then he went on with the story

So the prodigal went to Vegas where he met questionable women.  And they did what everyone does in Vegas-  they disco danced.  Then they did the Macarena. Then they put their arms around each other and did the can can.

But eventually, the progigals money ran out!  He said “don’t worry girls, I know of a great polka club on the strip and it’s free!”

But the women said “oh, you’re broke? ew!”

Then they went into the audience to flirt with the rich boys.

(Exit women)

The prodigal said “now what will I do?”

(Enter swine herder and pigs)

Suddenly a swine herder entered, driving his pigs through downtown to wallow in a different mud hole.

He said “hey there son, I could use some help,  wanna job?”

But the prodigal said “I hate pigs!  They are ugly, snotty and stinky!”

The pigs oinked in anger.

But the prodigal said “but I do need a job. Ok”

The pigs squealed with delight and began licking his hands.

The swine herder said “alright, feed this slop to the pigs” and he handed the prodigal a bucket.

The prodigal Looked in the bucket and said “yuck what is this stuff?”

The swineherder said “it is the leftovers from the buffet at the polka club. All mashed together in a swill!”

The prodigal said “I wish I could eat some”

Then he said “look at me! I am so desperate. I should at least go back to my father for he treats his servants better than I am being treated.”

So the prodigal left the swineherd her and the pigs and began the long walk back to his father.

(Enter Father)

When his father saw him coming his father ran in super slow motion to hug his son. He held him tight and pat his hair.

But the prodigal fell on his knees and said “Father! Please forgive me, and take me back as a servant because I do not deserve to be called your son.”

But the father said “you are my son and I love you welcome home son we’re gonna have a party.” And so they did.

Joan of Arc

Joan of Arc, British (3), French (3), Burgundians (3), Charles, Jacques, Isabelle, St Michael, Baudricourt, general, Bishop Cauchon 

(Enter British, French)

This saint's life takes place during the 100 years war, in 15th century France.  In Those days the British had invaded France and declared in British accents "This land now belongs to the king of England.  Now let's all celebrate with tea!"

The French were outraged, and said in ridiculous French accents, gesturing with their hands  "Non!  Ve must not drink ze tea!  Jean Pierre, pour me some wine!"

But the British said "How about fish and chips?"

(Enter the Burgundians) 

But the Burgundians sang like the French chef from the Little Mermaid "les poisson, les poisson, how I love les poisson!"  and they shook hands with the British.

The French said "What are you doing?  You are French like us!"

And so the the French fought valiantly against the combined forces of the British and the Burgundians.  But they lost important land like Paris and Reims.

The Burgundians said "nananana boo boo!  We've captured Reims!  Now you can't crown Charles king!"

(Enter Charles)

Charles cried because he was so sad, so the French hugged him and stroked his hair.  Charles said "Since I cannot be king, I will be known as the Dauphin!" 

The British sniggered saying "Dauphin-  doesn't that mean Dolphin?"

And so Charles entertained them with his best Dolphin impersonation.

The narrator pointed out that the British should not find it so funny that the heir to the French throne is called "The Dolphin." After all, the heir to the British throne is the prince of Wales!  

The audience laughed politely at the narrators clever observation.

(Clear the stage.  Enter Joan, Jacques, Isabelle,)

There was a young peasant girl named Joan of Arc.  She lived with her parents, Jacques and Isabelle. 

(Enter Burgundians)

One day the Burgundians ran across the stage, burning Joan's village, while Joan and her family hugged each other and trembled with fear.  (Exit Burgundians)

(Enter St Michael)

Then one day, St Michael appeared to Joan.  He flexed his angelic muscles to show how powerful he was. He said "Joan, God has chosen you to lead the armies of France, lift the siege of Orleans, and crown Charles as king!"

But Joan said "I'm just an illiterate teenage girl!  I don't even know how to ride a horse!"

But St Michael disappeared. 

(exit Michael, Jacques and Isabelle.  Enter Baudricourt)

So Joan went to the local leader, Baudricourt, and said "God has chosen me to lead the French army! Take me to the dauphin!"

(enter Dauphin, French)

Baudricourt was so impressed with Joan, that he brought her to the Dauphin.  The Dauphin said "let me speak privately with this girl"

So Charles and Joan whispered something to each other. Then the Dauphin said "This girl knows stuff she could not possibly know!  I am putting her in charge of the French army!"

(exit Charles, Enter General)

When the General heard this he was angry.  He said "Who puts a teenage girl in charge of an army? I've been fighting this war for my whole life!"  Then to Joan he said "We'll put you at the front-  you can be our mascot- but you're not in charge!"

So the general, Baudricourt, the French, and Joan all got on imaginary horses, and began riding to Orleans to fight the British. 

(Enter British)

When the British saw the French coming, they said  "Kill the maid at the front!"

So they started firing arrows at Joan. One of them hit her right in through the shoulder!  She fell off her horse!  Baudricourt took care of her while the general and the French battled the British with swords.  The battle was very quiet, so the audience could hear the narrator.  But the French were losing badly!

Joan said "Break the arrow head off!"

Baudricourt said "It'll hurt too much!"

But Joan said "Do it!" 

So Baudricourt obeyed.  Then Joan said "Pull out the arrow!"

Baudricourt said "You'll bleed to death!" 

So Joan pulled the arrow out of her own shoulder!  Then she got on her horse, and charged into the battle!  The British were defeated, and they ran away!

(Enter Charles, Bishop) 

Because of the victories of the French, the Bishop was able to Crown Charles!  The French applauded. Charles said "Joan, I owe you my crown!"

(Exit Charles, Bishop, enter Burgundians.)

But the French continued to fight battles with the Burgundians.  In one battle, Joan was captured, while the French ran away!

(exit French, Baudricourt, general, enter British, Bishop)

Joan was brought to trial with the British and Bishop Cauchon. Bishop Cauchon snorted like a pig.

Bishop Cauchon said "Joan, you say you heard voices, and by their power you conquered the British army.  You also dress like a soldier, and soldiers are men, so... you must be a witch!"

One of the British said "She turned me into a newt!  I got better..."

Cauchon said "I sentence you to be burned at the stake as a witch!"

So the British tied Joan to a stake, and burned her alive.  Her last words were "Jesus, I love you."

St Joan of Arc, pray for us!

St John Fisher

John Fisher, page, bishops (3), king, Catherine, Mary, Anne, guards (2), Cromwell, Thomas More, horses (4)

There once was a bishop in England called John Fisher.

(Enter page)

One day a page came and said “Bishop Fisher, the Bishops are all gathering to meet with the king.”

(Enter Bishops)

And so the Bishops gathered, shaking hands and saying British things like “Good day old chap”, and “we should do tea” and using the word “quite” with no apparent context.

Suddenly the page yelled “All hail King Henry!”

(enter king, Catherine and Mary)

In walked the king, swaggering as he went, and offering his hand to the front people in the audience so that they might kiss it. The Bishops honoured the king by genuflecting towards him.

He was followed by his beautiful, doting wife Catherine and their daughter Mary. They smiled and waved royally at everyone.

The Bishops said “Congratulations your majesty on being honoured by the Pope with the title “Defender of the faith”!”

The King said “Thank you!”  Then he said “I've asked you to come together to grant me a divorce from this, my wife of 10 years”.

Catherine continued smiling, but said “Wait, what?”

The King said “Now my dear, don't lose your head. If you would have had a baby boy instead of this girl…”.

Mary said “Wait, what?”

Catherine said “But, that's not my fault!...”

The King said “Don't take it personally.  It's not you, my dear.  It's me… and my new girlfriend, Anne.”

(Enter Anne)

Anne went to king Henry, hugged him, and said “Oh, Henry!  You are so manly and decisive!”

The King said “Thank you, Snooki.” and tapped Anne lightly on the nose.

The Bishops said “ok, you're majesty, you can divorce her.”

But John Fisher said “No you can't!  There's no divorce in the Catholic Church!  The marriage is valid!”

Anne stomped her foot and said “No fair!”

(Enter Cromwell)

In walked Cromwell, with a hunch back and slight limp, and he spoke like Igor.  He went to the king and said “Master!  Why would you obey the Church?  You should make the Church obey you!”

The King said “Great idea! From now on the Church must obey me instead of the pope!”

Catherine said “You can't do that!”

But the Bishops started chanting “Lock her up!  Lock her up!”

(Enter guards) so guards came in and dragged Catherine away.

John Fisher said “You can't do that!”

King Henry said “get him out of here!”  

So guards seized John Fisher and brought him to prison.

(Everyone but John and the guards leave the stage. Enter Thomas More)

So John was imprisoned, along with Thomas More

John said “What are you in for?”

Thomas said “Refusal to recognize the king as head of the Church”.

John nodded “me too”.

(Enter Page)

The page came in and said “Congratulations mister Fisher!  The pope made you a Cardinal!”

Thomas said “Lucky!  The King will have to let you go now!”

But the guards said “Nope!  Cromwell sentenced him to death!”

(Enter the horses, Cromwell, and King, enter Thomas)

Cromwell pointed a finger accusingly at John and said "I sentence you to be hung, drawn and quartered! That means you'll be tied to four horses and dragged four different directions to your death!"

The horses whinnied with delight.

But the king said "Considering he's a cardinal, let's just chop his head off."

The horses snorted in disappointment.

So the guards beheaded him.

St John Fisher-  pray for us!

Francisco and Jacinta

Francisco, Jacinta, Lucia, sheep (3), Mary, Jacinta's mom, Lucia's mother, priest, other people (3), administrator, police (2)

This story takes place in Portugal in 1917.  (Enter administrator)  In those days the government, speaking through the administrator, said "We have expelled the Monarchy! Now let's get rid of priests!"

The audience gasped

(Enter priest)

A priest ran in and said "But why?"

The administrator said "Because we are a government of Masons, and that is what we do."

(Enter police)  Then to the police, the administrator said "Beat that man up please.  He is a priest!"

So the police beat the priest up.

(Clear the stage)

(Enter Francisco, Jacinta, Lucia and sheep)

One day three children, Francisco, Jacinta and Lucia were looking after their sheep, when suddenly there was a flash of light!  Francisco said "Oh no, looks like lightning!  Let's get the sheep into a shelter!"

So the three children rounded up their sheep, which was difficult, because their sheep kept braying and going off the wrong way.

(Enter Mary)

Suddenly Mary appeared to them, bright like the sun, and floating above the trees!

The kids said "Aaah!  Run away!"

But Mary said "Come closer children".

Jacinta said "Where do you come from?"

Mary said "Heaven."

Lucia said "Who are you?"

Mary said "Come back here every month, and in October I will tell you.  Meanwhile, pray the rosary every day."

Then Mary dissapeared.

(Exit Mary)

Lucia said "Guys, don't tell anyone abut this! Let's make it our secret!"

(Enter Jacintas mom and Lucias mother and priest)

But when Jacinta saw her mom, she said "Mama, mama! A beautiful glowing lady appeared to us and told us to pray the rosary!"

Her mom laughed, and turned to the audience saying "Can you believe what my daughter says? Next she'll be telling me it was the blessed virgin herself!!"

But the audience said "The blessed virgin?  Crazy!"

Lucia's Mother said "Lucia, you're not allowed to go back there, y'hear?"

But the local priest said, "Oh, let her. What harm can it do?"

(Enter other people, Mary)

So the children continued to go to the spot, followed now by their mothers and the priest and other people. And every month Mary appeared to the children, but no one else could see her.

(Enter administrator and police, exit mom, mother, sheep, other people, Mary)

One day the local administrator said "This is ridiculous!  I'll put a stop to it!"

And so he had the police arrest the 3 children and throw them in jail, so they would miss their appointment. He said "Ok children, tell me the truth, or I will dump you in boiling oil!"

Jacinta began to cry, while her brother Francisco held her tight, and stroked her hair, saying "There there."

But Lucia stood up boldly and said "We are telling you the truth. If you like, I can ask the lady for permission to share some secrets with you!"

Finally, the administrator let them go.  But because they had missed their appointment with Mary, she appeared to them 6 days later in another place!

(Enter Mary)

 She said "In October there will be a miracle for all to see!" Then she disappeared.

(Exit Mary, enter everyone else)

So on the 13th of October, 1917, everybody came to the Cova to see the children and the miracle.

Suddenly Lucia cried out "Look at the sun!"

The cast and the whole audience gasped as the sun appeared to dance around in the sky!  The cried out "Impossible!" and "A miracle!" and "The children were telling the truth!"

When it looked like the sun would crash into the earth, everyone in the cast and even the audience fell on the floor screaming in terror!

But then suddenly, everything went back to normal.

Jacinta and Francisco died while they were still children, but Lucia grew up to be an elderly nun.

Saint Jacinta and Francisco-  Pray for us!

Blessed Imelda

Blessed Imelda

Count Egano, Castora, Imelda, sister, sacristan, priest

(Enter Count Egano)

There once was a man called Count Egano Lambertini.  Count Egano said, in his best Transylvania accent “One!  One lovely bat. Ah-ah-ah.”

The audience said “Not that kind of count!”

Count Egano said “Do I at least get to where a cape?”

The Narrator said “Ok”.  Count Egano clapped his hands with joy, then fastened his imaginary cape, pretended to drape it over his face, and said “One!  One fashionable purple cape.  Ah-ah-ah.”

The audience said “Oh Brother!”

(Enter Castora)

The count saw a women named Castora.   Castora said “I love a man in a cape…”

Count Egano said “I love a woman who loves a man in a cape.”  Then he kissed her hand, and said “Will you marry me?”

Castora said “Of course, yes!”  And she draped her arms around him.

(Enter Imelda)

Count Egano and Castora had a baby girl, and they named her Imelda.  When Imelda was a little girl, she said “When you receive communion, you receive Jesus into your heart, right?”

Castora said “Of course my dear!”

Imelda said “How can you receive Jesus into your heart and not die?”

Count Egano said “One!  One awkward question!  Ah-ah-ah.”

Castora said “You know by heart, we don’t mean your physical heart, but your spirit….”

But Imelda said “I know- I just think you would die of love.  I wish I could receive communion now!”

But Castora said “Oh, dear.  You are too young!  You have to be at least 14 to receive first communion!”

The narrator then explained that that rule has since then been changed and you can receive communion as young as 7 now.

(Enter sister, Sacristan and Priest)

One day Imelda was with her mom and dad and sister at Mass.  They were kneeling and praying, and a strange mysterious light was seen floating above Imelda’s head.

The  Sacristan came over and tried to grab the weird light, but it could not be grabbed. The priest said “It’s a miracle!  We should let Imelda receive communion even though she’s too young!”

So the priest took communion to her and said “The Body of Christ!”

Imelda said “Amen” and received her first communion.

Afterwards, she just kept kneeling with a great big smile on her face. She stayed perfectly still as a statue.  Mass ended, and the priest, sacristan, and Imelda’s family all walked out.  But Imelda just stayed there, like a statue, with a great big smile on her face!

Eventually her sister came back and said “Imelda!  It’s time to go home now!”

But Imelda didn’t move.

Her sister said “Hello, Imelda!”  And waved her hand in front of Imelda’s face.

Imelda didn’t even blink. She just kept kneeling with a big silly grin on her face.

Her sister said, in a very whiny voice “Imelda, come on!”  And she shook her.

But Imelda just fell over, dead.  She loved Jesus so much that when she received him she died and went to Heaven!

Blessed Imelda is the patron saint of first communion.

Blessed Imelda- Pray for us!