St Bernadette

Bernadette, mom, dad, sister, Mary, crowd, sick, nuns

(Enter Bernadette, mom, dad, sister)

There once was a young girl named Bernadette.  Bernadette lived with he mom, her dad, and her sister, and the rest of her family.  They were very poor, and they lived in a single room basement.  In fact the room had previously been a jail!  Because of this, her dad would say "We live in a dungeon."

When Bernadette was very young, she got sick, and after that she always had Asthma, and would have trouble breathing.

One day Bernadette's Mom said "It's cold.  Girls, go get some firewood!"

So Bernadette and her sister joined hands and skipped off to find wood.

(Exit mom and dad.)

When they got to a river, her sister quickly ran across the river, shrieking about how cold the water was.   But Bernadette said "Wait, I have asthma!  The waters too cold! I can't cross!"

While Bernadette was taking off her socks, suddenly there shone a bright light.  When she looked up, she saw Mary!  Of course she didn't know yet that it was Mary, and said "What a beautiful shining woman!"

Mary said  "hi".

Bernadette said "Hi.  Who are you?"

Mary said "I am the immaculate conception."

Bernadette said "I have no idea what that means!"  Then she ran across the river to tell her sisters, but she did not even find the water to be cold!

(Exit Mary, Enter crowd)

Bernadette continued to see the beautiful lady every day.  Soon a crowd came to see what was happening.  But no one else could see Mary!  Some people said "She must be stupid."  Others said "She's crazy!"  Others said "It's a miracle!"  Bernadette would just kneel very still.  Even when the candle she was holding burned down to her hands, she kept kneeling and did not react!

But then Bernadette started kissing the ground, and eating the grass, and washing her face with the mud. The audience laughed, pointing at her and saying "She's off her rocker!" and "She's not dealing with a full deck." and "She's not quite the full shilling!"

Her mom said angrily "What are you doing?"

Bernadette said "Mary told me to drink from this spring!"

Her mom said "There is no spring here-  let's go home!"

And she dragged Bernadette away.

But then suddenly water bubbled up from underground, and everyone gasped as they saw the spring!

Everyone started singing Alleluia.

(everyone but Bernadette leave. Nuns and sick enter)

Bernadette became a nun, and learned to fold her hands and walk like a nun, and took care of sick people.  Eventually she got tuberculosis, which caused her great pain in her knee.  But even in pain, she continued to serve joyfully.  She died when she was only 35 years old.

St Bernadette-  pray for us!

Post Script;
Eventually a little pool was made with the spring water, and a church built.
Bernadette's body was buried, but when it was dug up years later, it was found to be intact!

St Paul

St Paul

Paul, Gamaliel (M) (Ga-ma-lee-el), Stephen, angry crowd (4), horses (5), Jesus, Ananias (M) (An-na-nie-as), Luke, Barnabas, Roman

(Enter Paul and Gamaliel)

There once was a young man named Paul.  Paul was short, und unattractive, but very smart!  He studied under a man named Gamaliel.  Gamaliel said, “Oh Paul, you are my best student!”

Paul said “Thank you!  And you are the greatest teacher of our times!  One day I hope to be just as self-righteous and anal retentive as you!”

Gamaliel said “Um…. Thanks.”

(Enter Stephen, Exit Gamaliel)

One day a man named Stephen ran by yelling “I’m gonna get stoned, dude!”

Paul shook his head disapprovingly, and said “It always starts with just getting stoned, but where does it end?”

(Enter angry crowd)

An angry crowd yelled “Get him!”  And surrounded Stephen, picking up rocks to throw at him.

Paul said “Oh, that kind of stoned.  My Bad!" Then to the crowd he said "Here, may I hold your jackets?”

The angry crowd yelled “Thank you!  You are too kind!”

As they began throwing rocks at Stephen, Stephen looked up and said “I see Heaven open!  And there’s Jesus!”  Then he died.

Paul said “Jesus, eh?  So, Stephen was one of those despicable Christians!  Let’s go get some more!”

(Exit Stephen, Enter horses)

So, Paul and the angry crowd all got on horses and began riding to Damascus. Along the way Jesus suddenly appeared to Paul, saying “Paul- why do you persecute me?”

No one else could see Jesus.

Paul fell off his horse and said, “Who are you, that I am persecuting you?"

The angry crowd thought Paul was nuts.

Jesus said, "I am Jesus."  Then he disappeared.

(Exit Jesus)

Paul suddenly started groping around, saying "I’m blind!”

So, the angry crowd took him to Damascus and left him there.

(Exit angry crowd, horses, Paul.  Enter Ananias, Jesus)

Jesus appeared to a man called Ananias and said “Paul of Tarsus is in town.  Go pray for him and heal him!”

Ananias said “Really?  I heard about him; he’s a bad dude!  He’ll kill me.”

(Exit Jesus, enter Paul)

But Ananias did as he was told. He laid hands on Paul and said, “In the name of Jesus, be healed!”

Paul jumped up and said “It’s a miracle! I can see!”

(Exit Ananias, enter Luke and Barnabas, angry crowd)

Then he and his friends Luke and Barnabas ran all over the place telling people about Jesus.  Eventually the angry crowd caught up with Paul and threw him in jail. But from jail he continued to write letters, and he wrote many of the letters in the New Testament.

(Enter Roman soldier)

Eventually Paul was killed when a roman soldier chopped off his head.

St Paul- Pray for us!

St Raphael

St Raphael

Sarah (Make sure she’s pretty + funny!), men (4),  John, Simon, Seth, Asmodeus (As- moe-dee-us)(M), Tobias, Tobit, Raphael, bird (f), dog, fish

(Enter Sarah, men)

There once was a very beautiful girl named Sarah. She lived in a land called Media. She would walk around, batting her eyes, and flitting her hair back, and giggling in a flirty fashion.  When men saw her, they would say “Va va voom!”.  But Sarah would just giggle, and say “Oh, boys, you’re so sweet” tapping each one of them on the nose with her long and beautiful finger.

(Men leave the stage, enter John, Asmodeus on deck)

One day a man named John came to Sarah, got down on one knee, and said “Sarah, you are the epitome (e-pit-oh-me) of beauty and grace. Will you marry me?”

Sarah said “Of course!”

John stood to kiss her, but before he could, a crazy demon called Asmodeus came shrieking and howling out of nowhere and killed him! Then Asmodeus disappeared.

(Exit John, enter Simon, Asmodeus on deck)

Next a man called Simon came to Sarah, got down on one knee, and said “Do you know mouth to mouth resuscitation?  Because you took my breath away.  Will you marry me?”

Sarah said “Of course!”

Simon stood to kiss her, but before he could, a crazy demon called Asmodeus came shrieking and howling out of nowhere and killed him! Then Asmodeus disappeared.

(Exit Simon, enter Seth, Asmodeus on deck)

Next a man called Seth came to Sarah, got down on one knee and said “Was your father a thief? Cause he stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes!  Will you marry me?”

Sarah said “Of course!”

Seth stood to kiss her, but before he could, a crazy demon called Asmodeus came shrieking and howling out of nowhere and killed him! Then Asmodeus disappeared.

(Exit Seth, enter Men, Asmodeus on deck)

All the other men came, got down on one knee, and said “How you doin?”  but Asmodeus killed them all. Sarah was very sad.

Scene change!

(Exit Sarah, Men, Asmodeus,  enter Tobit, bird)

Meanwhile, in another place, a man named Tobit was sitting and praying, and looking up he saw a bird. The bird flew gracefully in the sky, and then it pooped, and the poop landed in Tobits eye!  Tobit stood and said “I am blinded by that birds poop!  Help me!”

(Enter Tobias)

Tobias was Tobits son, and he said “Here I am father- what can I do?”

Tobias said “If I am blind, we will soon be poor.  Go to Media, where I have money.”

(Enter Raphael)

Suddenly Raphael came and said “My name is Azariah, and I’m your relative”

The audience said “I thought his name was Raphael?”

Raphael said “Shhh!  I'm in disguise!”  Then to Tobias he said “I’ll go with you to Media, and protect you!”

(Exit Tobit, enter dog, fish)

As they were walking, with Tobias’ dog they stopped at a river, where a fish was swimming around, making fishy sounds.  Suddenly the fish jumped out of the water, and tried to eat Tobias’ foot.

Tobias screamed “Get it off!” while the dog ran in circles barking, and growling at the fish.

Raphael killed the fish with a club, and they sliced it open, removing its guts. Raphael said “Tobias, you should keep these- they may come in handy.”

(Exit fish, enter Sarah, Asmodeus on deck)

When they got to Media, Tobias saw Sarah, and he instantly fell in love.  He got down on one knee and said “Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night.”

Sarah said “Please!  Every man who tries to marry me gets killed by the evil demon Asmodeus!”

Just then Asmodeus appeared, and shrieking said “I’ll get you, and your little dog too!”

But Raphael said “Quick Tobias, the fish guts!”

Asmodeus shrieked in horror at the sight of the fish guts, and said “I’m melting, melting!” until he was nothing but a steaming puddle of ooze.

(Exit Asmodeus)

Sarah was so happy, that she and Tobias share a long and intimate kiss. They just kep smooching and smooching.  Finally Raphael said "Awkard!", and they stopped.

(Enter Tobit)

When they returned to Tobit, Raphael took the fish guts, and used them to heal Tobits’ eyes.   Tobit said “I can see!  It’s a miracle!  How did you do that?”

Raphael said “Because I am not really Azariah.  I am the great archangel Raphael!”

Sarah said “Raphael- are you a ninja turtle?”

Raphael said “No.  The ninja turtle was named after me.”

The crowd said “woah- déjà vu.”  This is because the same joke was used in the St Michael Archangel skit.

St Raphael is the patron saint of romance.

St Raphael- Pray for us!

St Margaret Mary Alacoque

St Margaret Mary Alacoque

Margaret, Mom, Dad, Brothers (3), evil relative, Jesus, Mother superior, nuns(2), theologians(2)

(Enter Margaret, mom, dad, brothers)

Margaret was born into a fairly happy family, with 2 loving parents, and several brothers.   When she was a kid, her brothers would say “Let’s play tag!”  or “Let’s play ring around the rosy!”  But Margaret would just say “No thanks, I just want to pray.” So while her brothers played ring around the rosy, Margaret would kneel down to pray.

One day her dad died. Margaret and her mom and brothers all cried.

(Exit Dad, enter evil relative)

 At the funeral, her evil relative stood up to speak and said “It is with great sorrow that we celebrate the passing of so great a man.  But it is with great joy that I announce that I am in charge of his estate, and plan to spend all the money on myself!”  Then the evil relative made up a song about money and danced to it.

Margaret’s mom said “But, we need the money to live!”

But the evil relative said “Maybe you didn’t hear my song?”  And so he sang the song a second time, but even louder than the first time.  Then he laughed like a maniac, and covered his face with his cape, while he walked away in the most evil way he could think of.

(exit evil relative)

After that the family was poor. Margaret got sick, and had to stay in bed for three years.  (Margaret stay standing)

(Enter Jesus)

When she was 14 Jesus appeared to her and said “Margaret, give your heart to me! Promise yourself completely to me!”  She said “Ok!”, and was suddenly healed!  Her family started singing the alleluia chorus.

(Exit Jesus, mom)

But Margaret forgot her promise, and started going to parties wither brothers.  She and her brothers would get dressed in the hippest clothes, and go out dancing and drinking late into the night. 

(Exit brothers, enter Jesus)

One night after a Carnival party, Margaret was walking home when Jesus appeared to her again.  This time he was bleeding and looked like he did when he died on the cross.  Jesus said “Margaret, you forgot your promise to me!”

(Exit Jesus, enter Mother Superior, nuns)

So Margaret ran off to a nearby convent, and asked the Mother Superior if she could join.  Margaret became known as Margaret Mary, and became a nun, but she wasn’t very good at it. She was clumsy, and lacked skill, and the other nuns shook their heads and clicked their tongues disapprovingly.

(Enter Jesus)

But Jesus continued to appear to her. The mother superior and nuns became still like statues. Jesus said to Margaret Mary “Lay your head against my chest, and listen to my heart!” Margaret did so, and Jesus stroked her hair saying “Do you know how much I love you?  My sacred heart is burning for love!  I will give you a heart like mine!”  Then Jesus disappeared, and the nuns and mother superior stopped being statues. 

(Exit Jesus, enter theologians)

When Margaret told the theologians about Jesus appearing to her, they laughed and said “Yeah right!”  And her Mother superior said “Margaret, I forbid you to keep having these visions!”  The other nuns shook their heads and said “Who does she think she is?”

Margaret Mary said "Doesn't anyone believe me?"

The audience said "We believe you Margaret Mary!"

Eventually the theologians and mother superior and other nuns all believed her too.  They all said "Sorry".  And the whole Church began celebrating the feast of the Sacred Heart.

St Margaret Mary Alacoque-  Pray for us!

Catherine Doherty

Catherine Doherty

Fyodor (M), Emma, Catherine, priest, noble kids 3, commoners (3), Baron Boris de Hueck, poor (3),Eddie Doherty, soldiers

(Enter Fyodor and Emma)

There once was a couple named Fyodor and Emma, who were riding a train in Russia. Emma was crying in labour pain, and gave birth to Catherine right on the train!  

(Enter Catherine)

Catherine sucked her thumb as her mom and dad cuddled her.  Emma said “She could get a disease on this train-  we’d better baptize her right away!”

(Enter priest)

So when they got to St Petersburg, they found a priest.  The priest said “And what name do you give this child?”

Fyodor said “Ekaterina Fyodorovna Kolyschkine”.

But Emma said “Catherine for short.”

(Exit Fyodor, Emma, priest, enter noble kids, commoners)

Catherine was nobility, and went to school with a bunch of other noble kids. Catherine and the other nobles were very snooty, walking around with their noses in the air, and looking down at the commoners.  

(Exit noble kids and commoners, enter Baron Boris de Hueck)

When Catherine was only 15 years old, she married Baron Boris de Hueck. Boris was Catherine’s cousin. The audience said “Ewwww!”  

Boris got angry and said “In Mother Russia, a Baron marries whom he chooses!”

(Exit Baron, enter soldiers)

During World War 1, Catherine served as a nurse. Soldiers yelled “For Mother Russia!”  and charged at their enemies.  But many of them were shot. Catherine would tend to them.

(Exit soldiers, enter commoners)

When the war was ended, revolution broke out. 

 The commoners ran around saying “Kill the snooty nobility!” Catherine and Boris screamed and ran away to Finland. Eventually they made it all the way to Toronto.

(Exit the commoners, enter priest)

Boris and Catherine fought a lot. Finally Catherine went to the priest and said “Please, can we get an annulment?”  (Annulment means your marriage does not count in the eyes of the Church.)

The priest said “Well, you did marry your cousin, which is forbidden by the Church… so ok!”

(Exit priest, Boris, enter poor, Eddie)

After that Catherine sold everything she had, and lived with the poor, and opened a soup kitchen called “Friendship House” for them.  The poor were very grateful. 

One day a reporter named Eddie showed up and started asking Catherine questions about what she was doing.  Catherine and Eddie were instantly in love, and they stared dreamily into each other’s eyes. Eddie fell onto one knee and said “Will you marry me?” 

Catherine said “You’re not my cousin, are you?”

Eddie said “No.”

So Catherine got excited and said “Yes, yes, of course yes!” and plastered his face with kisses.

But many of the poor at Friendship House shook their heads, saying “Tsk, tsk.  This new marriage is inappropriate.” So Catherine and Eddie moved to Combermere Ontario, where they founded a community to care for the poor there. Catherine and Eddie lived there for 38 years, serving the poor, until she died.

Catherine is not yet Canonized a Saint, but her cause is before the Church.

Servant of God Catherine Doherty-  Pray for us!

Rose of Lima

Rose of Lima

Gaspar, Maria, Rose, Servant, suitor, poor (3), sick (2), people (3)

(Enter Gaspar, Maria)

There once was a man named Gaspar, who was a soldier that rode his horse in Peru.  He was married to a local woman named Maria. They held hands, and were very much in love.

(Enter Rose, Sevant)

Together they had a beautiful baby girl, whom they called Rose. They named her Rose because one day a servant was holding Rose, and saying “Look at you, you’re so cute, yes you are, yes you are.”  When suddenly the servant screamed and said “It’s a miracle!  While I was looking at the baby her face transformed into a rose!”

Her dad said “Freaky! Please don’t hold my child anymore.”

But her mom said “Rose-  what a beautiful name!”

(Exit servant)

Rose grew to be a very beautiful lady. Whenever she walked by, all the boys in the audience would whistle their admiration.  Maria would put flowers in Rose’s hair to make her even more beautiful.  But Rose said “I don’t want to be so admired by everyone!  Please mom, no flowers.”

Maria said “Nonsense.  Obey your mom.”

So Rose would secretly put pins through the flowers so that instead of being proud of her beauty she would be distracted by her pain.

(Enter Suitor)

Because she was so pretty, men wanted to marry her.  One day a suitor came, and took her by the hand, went down on one knee, and said “Rose, my sweet, sweet rose.  You are so lovely.  Your eyes are like doves.  Your hair is like a flock of goats.  Your teeth are like naked pregnant sheep.  Your lips are lovely, and how I long for their kisses!  Rose… will you marry me?”

But Rose said “Alas, I cannot.  For my heart belongs to another. I have given my heart to God.”

The suitor wept bitterly, saying “But I already used all my best lines on you!  I’ll have to compare the skin of the next girl to the stretched hide of an orangutan…”  And he walked away, dejected.

(Exit suitor)

Rose said “I hate breaking men’s hearts on account of my extraordinary beauty!”  So to make herself less beautiful, she cut off her hair, and smashed pepper into her face.

She said to her dad “Father, I want to become a nun!”

But Gaspar grew angry and said “I forbid it!”

(Enter the poor)

So Rose lived in a room in her father’s house, and dressed like a nun.  She took care of the garden, and made lace, which she sold and gave the money she made to the poor.  Besides that, she lived alone in the room, and only left to go to Church.

(Exit mother and father and poor. Enter sick)

When disease broke out, she went to the hospital to help look after the sick.  One day she walked into the room of a sick woman.  The woman was covered by sores, and was oozing puss, and smelled terrible.  Rose gagged at the smell, and said “I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

But the woman noticed, and was sad.  So to punish herself, Rose took care of the woman, dressing her wounds, and she gathered the woman’s puss in a cup, and drank it.

(Exit the sick, enter people)

Rose would often go into ecstasy in prayers.  She would stand with her hands in the air, looking heavenward, and with an extremely happy face.  She had such extreme joy that nobody could distract her.  People would try all kinds of silly things to distract her, making faces, sound effects, tickling her-  but Rose would just keep staring into heaven with a beautiful look of peace and joy on her face.  

(Exit people)

One day Rose said “I’m going to die now!”  And she did.

St Rose of Lima-  Pray for us!

Pope Saint John XXIII

John XXIII  (Pope John the 23^rd)

Mom, Dad, John (Angelo), Brothers and sisters (4), Landowner, soldier, injured person,  Pope Pius XI (11th), Nazis (2), Jews (3), Nazi Bishop, Cardinals (3), Bishops (2), John F Kennedy, Khruschev

(Enter Angelo, mom, dad, brothers and sisters)

There once was young boy named Angelo.  Angelo lived with his Mom and Dad and his 13 brothers and sisters in a small farm house.  They loved each other very much, and the Dad would always say “Group Hug!”  And all of the family would hug each other.  They were poor, and worked on a farm.  As they worked they would sing “Old Linguini had a farm” to the tune of “Old MacDonald.” 

(Enter landowner)

But they did not own the land they worked on, so when the landowner came around he would say in his italian accent “Hey-a, you-a farmers-a.  Give-a me summa your croppa”

And of course, the dad would have to pay.

(Exit Landowner)

When he grew up, Angelo said good bye to each of his family members in the traditional Italian style, by kissing them on each cheek and saying “Ciao!”  Then Angelo left his home and became a priest.

(Exit mom, dad, brothers and sisters.  Enter soldier, injured person.)

When world war I broke out, a soldier came and ordered Angelo to join the army.  Fr Angelo was a chaplain, and he would help the other soldiers carry the injured people to safety.

(Exit soldier, injured, enter Pope Pius XI)  

One day Pope Pius XI  called him and said “You are a bishop!”  The crowd cheered!

Then Pope Pius XI died.

(Exit Pope, enter mom)
 Around the same time, Angelo’s mom died.  He was very sad.

(exit mom, enter Nazis, jews)

During world war II, evil Nazis invaded and started arresting all the Jews.  Angelo went to the Nazis and set “Let them go.”  And the Nazis actually listened!  So Angelo helped the Jews escape, saying “Run away, run away!”

(Exit Jews, enter Nazi Bishop)

After World War II ended, the Nazis cried because they lost.  Angelo had to work with some Bishops who had sided with the Nazis when they had control of France.  Angelo shook his finger at the Bishop, and said “Naughty, Naughty.” 

The Bishop said “I know.  I’m sorry.”

Angelo said “I’m sorry too, for all the times that Catholics were mean to Jews.

(Exit Nazis, Nazi Bishop, enter Cardinals)

When the Pope died, all the Cardinals, which by then included Angelo, got together to choose a new pope.  The Cardinals said “Let’s pick someone old who can run things for a few years without changing anything.”  So they picked Angelo.  Angelo said “I will be called Pope John the 23^rd!”

Then Angelo said “Let’s get all of the bishops in the world together for a new Church Council!  We need to change a few things around here!”

The audience gasped.  They called out “Unthinkable!” and “How dare he!”

(Enter Bishops)

But the Cardinals and Bishops got together and said “You know, we should make the Church more loving, and try to get along better with other Christians.” The audience applauded.  Then the Cardinals and bishops all joined hands and sang "Kumbaya".

(exit cardinals and bishops, Enter Kennedy and Kruschev)

One day the President of the United States, John F Kennedy, and the head of the USSR, Nikita Khruschev, came to see Pope John XXIII.  Kennedy said (in his best JFK accent) “The Russians have, uh, placed missiles in Cuba, which, uh, threaten the United States of America.  They need to get rid of them, or we will, uh, drop nuclear bombs on the USSR.”

But Khruschev said, in his best Russian accent “You’re not the boss of me.  You drop bomb on me, I drop bomb on you. Then we see who laughs.”

Pope John XXIII said “How about nobody drops bombs on anyone!”

Everybody thought  that was a great idea.  So Khruschev and Kennedy shook hands, while the crowd said “Pope John the 23^rd is Man of the Year!”

Pope John XXIII died a little while later.  He had only been Pope for 4 years.

Pope Saint John XXIII-  Pray for Us