Abraham

Abraham, Sarah, God, Hagar, Ishmael, Isaac, Goat

Disclaimer-  Abraham is not typically considered a saint, since he lived and died before Jesus, but he is probably in Heaven so that would make him a saint anyway!

(Enter Abraham and Sarah)

There once was a man named Abraham.  He was married to a woman named Sarah.  Sarah and Abraham were very much in love, and they would spend hour looking lovingly into each other’s eyes.  But Sarah was old, and she had never had a baby.  She was so upset about this that she cried and cried. 

(Enter God)

One day God appeared to Abraham.  The crowd sang "Alleluia".

Abraham worshiped God in fear.  God said “If you obey me,  I will make you a Father of many nations. Now take your family, and leave this place for another land.”

(Exit God)

So Abraham did as he was told.  Holding hands, Abraham and Sarah skipped all the way to the Land of Canaan.  But still, no baby came. One day Sarah said Abraham, I’m never gonna have a baby.  You might as well have a baby with my servant Hagar.”

Abraham said “I could never be unfaithful to you Sarah!”

(Enter Hagar)

 But when he saw Hagar, who flipped her hair gorgeously, he said “Vavavoom!” and took Hagars hand and skipped away!

(Enter Ishmael)

So Hagar had a baby, and named him Ishmael.

(Enter God)

But God said “That’s not what I meant!  Sarah will have the baby herself!”

Sarah laughed because she thought that was ridiculous.

(God exit, enter Isaac)

But eventually Sarah did have a baby, and named him Isaac. Abraham was 100 years old!

Hagar would all get up in Sarah’s grill, saying things like “Ishmael was born first, so he’s gonna inherit everything”  And she would snap three times to indicate her bad attitude.

So Sarah went to Abraham and said “Hagar’s being mean.  Send her away.”

So Abraham said “Hagar, your services are no longer required. Please leave.”

Hagar and Ishmael left, very sad.

(Exit Hagar and Ishmael, exit Sarah, enter God)

But God said “Don’t worry, Abraham, I’ll take care of Ishmael. But his descendants and Isaacs descendants will never get along!  Now, take your son Isaac, and kill him on an altar as a sacrifice to me!”

Abraham was all “What?”

God said “C’mon, everybody is doing it! Can’t you worship me the way everyone else worships their Gods?”

(Exit God)

So Abraham took Isaac up Mount Moriah, and built an altar, and tied Isaac up, and laid him on the altar, and was about to kill him when God reappeared and said “Wait!  Don’t kill him!  Kill this goat instead!”

(Enter goat, baaing, with horns stuck in a bush)

And Abraham saw a goat, and killed it, and he and Isaac ate the meat.  Then Abraham said “God , that was messed up. “

God said “Don’t worry-  it’ll make sense in about 2000 years!”  

"St" Abraham-  pray for us!

St Peter

St Peter

Simon (Peter), James, John, Andrew, Jesus, Roman Soldiers (2), servant girl, Mary Magdalene, Holy Spirit

(Enter  Simon Peter, James and John)

There once was a man named Simon, who was fishing with his friends James and John. They were in the boat, throwing their nets over, trying to catch fish, but they weren’t catching any. 

(Enter Andrew, Jesus)

Suddenly, Simon’s brother Andrew ran up and said “Simon!  We found the Messiah!”  Then he pointed at Jesus.

Then Jesus said “Did you catch any fish?”

Simon said “No, we’re packing it in.”

Jesus said “Throw your nets over one more time.”

James said “That stupid carpenter thinks he can teach us how to fish?”

Simon said “Whatever, let’s do what he says.”

So they threw the net over, because everyone does what Simon says.  This time it was so full of fish they couldn’t lift it out!

So Peter and James and John and Andrew all said “Jesus we will follow you anywhere you go!”

Jesus said “Even if they kill me?”

Simon said “You bet!”

Jesus said “Deal.”  Then they all did their secret apostle handshake.  Then they all followed Jesus, singing “Following the leader, the leader, the leader” as Jesus wandered all over the place.

One day Jesus asked them “Who do you think I am?”

John said “A prophet!”

Andrew said “John the Baptist back from the dead!”

James said “A good teacher and a snazzy dresser!”

Simon said “You are the son of God, the Messiah!”

Jesus said “You’re right, Simon!  But you didn’t guess that on your own- the Holy Spirit told you. From now on we’ll call you Peter, which means Rock.  Because you Rock, and on this rock I will build my Church.”

Peter said “Rock on!” and tried to get a high five for his joke, but no one would give him one.

Then Jesus said “Well, being the Messiah isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  Now I have to go get crucified!”

Peter said “I’ll come!” 

(Enter Roman Soldiers)

But when Roman Soldiers came to arrest Jesus, Peter went and hid.

(Exit James, John, Andrew. Enter Servant girl)

A servant girl saw him hiding, and said “Hey- aren’t you friends with Jesus?”

Peter said “no… never heard of him.”

The girl said “yes” Peter said “No” she said “Yes” he said “No”.  Then Jesus walked by shaking his head sadly.  Peter went off and cried.

(Exit servant girl, Roman Soldiers, Jesus.  Enter John, James, Andrew)

Later all the apostles were together again, and John was saying.  “It was awful-  I saw him die!”

(Enter Mary Magdalene)

Suddenly Mary Magdalene ran into the room and said “Jesus is alive!” 

(Enter Jesus)

Jesus appeared and said “Peter, do you love me”?

Peter said “yes”.

So Jesus said “Then be the first Pope.”  Then he flew away to Heaven.

(Exit Jesus. enter Holy Spirit)

Peter was still scared, but the Holy Spirit came and rested on him, which made him strong, so Peter said “from now on, I will not be afraid to tell everyone about Jesus!”

(Exit Holy Spirit)

So Peter and the apostles went everywhere, telling everyone about Jesus. 

(Enter Roman Soldiers)

One day Roman soldiers arrested Peter, saying “You are not allowed to tell people about Jesus.  For disobeying me, you are sentenced to be crucified.”

Peter said “Jesus himself was crucified!  What an honour!”

So the roman said “In that case, we’ll crucify you upside down.”

And so Peter was crucified upside down. He screamed in agony and died.

Thomas the apostle

St Thomas

Thomas, Jesus, Romans (2), Disciples (4), Mary, Indians (3), 3 wise men

(Enter Thomas, Jesus, Disciples) 

Thomas was one of the twelve apostles.  The apostles were the important disciples of Jesus who followed him around everywhere, and imitated everything that Jesus did.  Some times Jesus would do ridiculous things to see if the disciples would imitate him-  and of course, the disciples would.

(Enter Romans)

 One day, Romans caught Jesus, and killed him, Nailing him to a cross!

(Exit Romans, Jesus, Thomas, enter Mary)

  After that the disciples were very afraid!  They would all lock themselves into a big room, and not let anyone in unless they did the secret knock.  One day, while Thomas wasn’t there, Mary, the Mother of Jesus came to the room the disciples were in, and did the secret knock.  The disciples let her in, saying “Are you sure you weren’t followed?”  Then they locked the door behind her. 

Suddenly Jesus walked through the wall.  The disciples all yelled “It’s a ghost!”  Some of them even peed their pants.  But Jesus breathed on them and said “Peace!  I’m not a ghost.”  Then taking some fish, he ate it in front of them saying “See?  If I was a ghost, this chewed up fish would be falling through my body onto the ground!”  

Then Jesus disappeared.

The audience said "Whoa"

(Enter Thomas)

A few minutes later, Thomas came and did the secret knock.  The disciples let him in, and said “Where were you?  Jesus is alive, and he appeared to us!”

Thomas said “Yeah Right.  I need proof. To believe that I would have to put my finger in the holes in his hands, and my hand into the hole in his side!”

(Enter Jesus)

Suddenly Jesus appeared again.   Thomas peed his pants.  Jesus said “Here, put your finger in the hole in my hands, and your hand into the hole in my side!”

Thomas said “Uhhh… I’m good, actually.”  Then he fell down and worshiped Jesus, saying “My Lord and my God!”

Jesus said “You believe because you had proof.  Blessed are those who believe without proof! Then Jesus went up to Heaven.

(Exit Jesus, Thomas)

A while later, when Thomas was out again, Mary died.  The disciples were very sad, since she was like a mom to them.  But then they left her dead body and went home.  

(Exit Disciples)
When Thomas got there, he saw Mary’s dead body come back to life, and go up to Heaven!  And as she left she dropped her girdle!  

(Exit Mary, Enter Disciples)

So Thomas told all the other disciples “I just saw Mary come back to life and go into the sky!  She must have gone to Heaven!”

The other disciples said “That’s quite the assumption!” 

The audience laughed at the joke, except the ones who didn’t get it.  Nobody bothered to explain it to them.

(Exit disciples, enter wise men)

Thomas went to India.  As he was walking, he passed the three wise men, who were singing “We three kings, of orient are….”  

Thomas said “Hi”

The wise men said “Hi.”  And they went on their way.

(Exit wise men, enter Indians)

In India, Thomas baptized many Indians.  He built churches and turned some Indians into Bishops.  But then someone killed him by throwing a spear at him.

There are still Christians in southern India to this day who’s Church was founded by Thomas! 

St Thomas the Apostle-  Pray for us!

Monica

St Monica

Monica, Patricius, 2 women, Augustine, Drunk friends (4, some boys and girls), Manicheans (Man- E-key-ans) (3), Bishop

(Enter Monica and Patricius)

There once was a woman named Monica of Hippo.  She was married to a man named Patricius.  While Monica was a Christian and worshiped Jesus, doing things like going to Mass and making the sign of the Cross,  Patricius was a pagan, and he worshiped Jupiter, doing things like offering incense and bowing before a statue saying You are so mighty and powerful!  Do not smite me oh Jupiter!"  

Monica said "I'm pretty sure Jupiter is just a gas giant." But Patricius ignored her.

  Monica was always polite, and worked hard, and tried to be holy.  Patricius would get mad, and say “Oh, do you have to be so good all the time?  It’s not fun!”  Some times Patricius would go into a rage, jumping around and yelling and breaking things.  Monica would just stay out of his way! 

(Enter 2 women)

 At other times, Patricius would cheat on Monica with other women. One day Monica saw Patricius, and he had 2 women with him, one on each arm. Monica said “Excuse me?  And who are these floozies?” 

The women snapped their fingers three times, and said “Oh no you didn’t.”

Patricius said “Monica of Hippo, I would like you to meet these two floozies… er, I mean, women… who are also my lovers.  Monica of Hippo, this is Barbara of Rhino and Silvia of Ring-Tailed Lemur.”

Monica said “Patricius, I am your wife.  Send these women away!” 

So Patricius sent them away, but as they were leaving he said “I’ll look you up on Facebook!” 

(Exit women)

 Then Patricius said to Monica “Boy Monica, this isn’t like you.  You usually just put up with my floozies.  What’s wrong?”

Monica said “I’m having a baby.”  Suddenly, Augustine was born. 

(Enter Augustine)

Augustine greeted his parents, saying “Hello Mother.  Hello Father.  I am your new infant son.”

Monica said “Let’s get him baptized!”

Patricius said “No!”

Augustine said “I think I’m dying!”  Then he started spasming and fell to the ground.

Monica said “Please Patricius!  He must be baptized before he dies!”

Patricius said “Oh, all right.”

But at that moment Augustine stood up again and said “I got better!”

Patricius said “Oh good, no need to baptize you after all!”

Monica said “Seriously?” 

Then Patricius died.  (Exit Patricius)

Augustine grew up,and was a lot like his dad.  Augustine said “Mom, my philosophy in life is to be as selfish as possible, and have fun and get drunk all the time!”

(Enter drunk friends)

Augustine’s drunken friends said “Party!”  and started dancing. Then Augustine chose the most attractive girl from among his friends, and brought her to his mom saying "Oh by the way, Mom, this is my new girlfriend-  Cecilia of Zebra!”

Monica said “Whatever happened to Beatrice of Orangutan?”

Augustine said “Seriously?  I broke up with her like 2 weeks ago, when I started dating Phoebe of Chimpanzee, who I broke up with for Helen of Wombat.”

Monica said “Please Jesus, may my son have a conversion!”

(Exit drunk friends including Cecilia of Zebra)

Sometime later Augustine came to Monica and said “Good news, mom!  I had a conversion!”

Monica said “Praise the Lord!”

Augustine said “I joined the Manicheans (Man-E-key-ans)!”

The Manicheans all rushed on to stage and joined Augustine. 

Augustine said “We believe that the soul is good, but the body is evil.  We believe that it is holy to eat beans, and to release their spirits from their bodies in the form of farts!  Hit it, boys!”

So Augustine and the Manicheans started farting to the tune of the Alleluia Chorus.

Monica started crying, saying "And I thought Patricius worshiped a gas giant! Please, Lord, make it stop!”

(Enter Bishop, Exit Manicheans)

An unnamed Bishop came and said “Fear not Monica!  Your tears will not be wasted!”

Augustine finally did become Catholic in the end, and the Bishop baptized him.  Then his mom hugged him, and then she died.

St Monica-  Pray for us!

St Andre Bessette

St Andre

Andre, brothers and sisters (5), dad, mom, priest, head of the congregation, sick people (2) , more sick people (5), monks (3).

(Enter Andre)

Andre was originally called Alfred.  He lived near Montreal, so he always said things with a French Canadian accent.   He would say things like “I lurve to eat my Poutine, eh?”  and “Celine Dion’s voice is as sweet as a sugar shack.”

(enter brothers and sisters, mom and dad)

Alfred had lots of brothers and sisters.  They lived with his mom and dad, and they were very poor. But they love each other very much, and they would all join hands and sing the Barney song together.

One day a tree fell on his dad, and his dad died.  Then his mom caught tuberculosis, coughed like crazy, and died.  So Andre and his siblings were all orphans. They cried and hugged each other tight, while their bodies still shuddered from the sorrow.

The narrator said in a French accent “It is not orphan that you see so many orphans.”  The family left the stage, shaking their heads at the bad pun.

(Exit mom, dad, brothers, sisters.  Enter priest)

Alfred was often seen praying in the Church, and his priest noticed how holy he was.  So the priest said “Alfred, I think you should become a monk!  Here, take this note to the Congregation of the Holy Cross.”

(Exit priest, enter monks, head of the congregation)

The Congregation of the Holy Cross was a group of monks.  They walked in circles, singing in Gregorian chant. The narrator intoned the words, and the monks repeated them.  The words were "Ay-a otgay asgay"  Which is pig latin for "I got gas".

When Alfred got there, the head of the congregation read the note, which said “I am sending you a saint.”   But the head of the Congregation said “You look little and sick.  We can’t afford to take sick people, I’m sorry.” 

The crowd said "Awe."  And Alfred made his best pouty puppy dog face. After a while the head of the Congregation “Ok, fine, you can join.  You can be the guy who answers the door.”  Alfred was so excited he went from being a pouty happy dog to being a hyper puppy dog, and he licked the heads of the congregations hand.

The monks sang "Ew-ay, uckyay!"

(exit monks and head of the congregation, enter sick.)

Alfred became known as Brother Andre.  He would go to the chapel, and take some oil from a lamp burning in honour of St Joseph.  Then he would go to the house of the sick, and he would rub some oil on them, and say ‘pray to St Joseph, and he will heal you.”  The sick people would do their prayers, and then yell “I’m healed!  It’s a miracle!”

Soon sick people and more sick people were lining up to see Brother Andre, to get him to pray for them. 

(Enter head of the congregation)

The head of the congregation said “Wow, there are way too many sick people here-  Andre, you  need to start meeting people at the train station!”  So Andre did, and even more people were healed!

(Enter the other monks)

Eventually the other monks got nervous about Andre’s growing reputation.  One said “I think he’s a fake!”  Another said “He’s a quack”.  A third said “This will be bad for our reputation if people discover that he is faking these cures.”

But Brother Andre said “I’m not the one doing the curing.  God is, through the intercession of St Joseph.”

So many of the sick were cured, that they built a great big Church in honour of St Joseph in Montreal.  It is the largest Church in Canada, and one of the largest in the world!  The audience applauded politely.

When Blessed Andre died, over 1 million people came to his funeral.  His heart was kept as a relic in the Church.  It was stolen for a while, but was recovered.

St Andre-  Pray for us!

St Lidwina

Lidwina, friends, Mom, sinful man, Lidwina's angel, Sinful man's angel

Enter Lidwina, friends

There once was a young girl named Lidwina.  Ever since she was a child, Lidwina wanted to be a nun.  But when she was 15 years old, she was ice skating with some friends, when suddenly she fell, and broke a rib.  She cried out in pain! Her mom ran to her, saying "Lidwina, are you Ok?"

(Exit Friends)

The wounds she got from this turned to Gangrene. (Gang-green).  This meant that she had to stay in bed for the rest of her life!  Even though she spent the rest of her life lying down, she'll spend the rest of this skit standing up, so the audience can see her.

She suffered immensely.  She could not eat, and would only eat a little piece of apple each day.  Her whole body started to rot, and she puked blood, and according to the stories even pieces of bone or organs came out! But her vomit and rotting organs smelled beautiful! Her mom would scoop these things up, and keep them in a vase, and put them on the bedside table, and say "There-  now doesn't that smell nice?".

The audience would say "Wow, Lidwina must be Holy!"

Her mother would say to the audience "Yes, because even her rotting internal organs smell sweet!"

But Lidwina said "Uh, Mom-  could you please bury those?  I don't want everyone to think I'm holy."

Her mom said "awww... but they smell so nice!  Ok."  And she took the vase away to bury it's contents.

(Leave Mom. Enter Sinful Man)

One day a sinful man came slinking in, and said in a devious voice "I am a sinful man!  I am here to commit sins!"

Lidwina said "Actually, you should try to be holy."

The sinful man said "Really?  Wow... I had no idea.  Ok, I'll be holy"

But before he could start, he died.

(Exit Sinful man)

Lidwina started praying, saying "Dear God!  Please show me if the sinful man got to Heaven!"

(Enter Guardian angel)

Suddenly her guardian angel appeared to her, and said "I will show you where he is.  Will you come with me?"

Lidwina said "yes".  So the two of them held hands, and skipped all the way to purgatory.

Lidwina heard the sounds of torment, provided by the audience.  There were cries of sorrow, screams of anguish, and shrieks of despair.  Lidwina said "Oh no!  Are we in Hell?"

Her guardian angel said "No, This is purgatory... but it is a lot like Hell."

(Enter guardian angel of sinful man)

 Suddenly they saw the guardian angel of the sinful man, sitting looking sad, with his head in his hands.  Beside him was a deep well, out of which flames spewed.  From the pit they heard the voice of the sinful man saying "Who will free me from this awful suffering?"

Lidwina said "Sinful man-  is that you?"

Sinful man said "Yes!  And I am suffering terribly until I can see God in Heaven!"

Lidwina said "I will pray for Mercy for you."

Sinful man said " Even though I am suffering so much, I know that this suffering is itself mercy, since I deserve to go to Hell."

(Exit sinful man and angels, enter mom)

Suddenly Lidwina woke up, as it was all a dream  But she trembled with fear. Her mom saw how afraid she was and said "what happened?"

Lidwina said "I saw purgatory, and it is awful!  We must all pray for people who are there!"

(Enter angel of sinful man)

Sometime later the angel of sinful man came to her and said "Lidwina, your friend sinful man, is now in Heaven."

St Lidwina-  pray for us!

St Bernadette

Bernadette, mom, dad, sister, Mary, crowd, sick, nuns

(Enter Bernadette, mom, dad, sister)

There once was a young girl named Bernadette.  Bernadette lived with he mom, her dad, and her sister, and the rest of her family.  They were very poor, and they lived in a single room basement.  In fact the room had previously been a jail!  Because of this, her dad would say "We live in a dungeon."

When Bernadette was very young, she got sick, and after that she always had Asthma, and would have trouble breathing.

One day Bernadette's Mom said "It's cold.  Girls, go get some firewood!"

So Bernadette and her sister joined hands and skipped off to find wood.

(Exit mom and dad.)

When they got to a river, her sister quickly ran across the river, shrieking about how cold the water was.   But Bernadette said "Wait, I have asthma!  The waters too cold! I can't cross!"

While Bernadette was taking off her socks, suddenly there shone a bright light.  When she looked up, she saw Mary!  Of course she didn't know yet that it was Mary, and said "What a beautiful shining woman!"

Mary said  "hi".

Bernadette said "Hi.  Who are you?"

Mary said "I am the immaculate conception."

Bernadette said "I have no idea what that means!"  Then she ran across the river to tell her sisters, but she did not even find the water to be cold!

(Exit Mary, Enter crowd)

Bernadette continued to see the beautiful lady every day.  Soon a crowd came to see what was happening.  But no one else could see Mary!  Some people said "She must be stupid."  Others said "She's crazy!"  Others said "It's a miracle!"  Bernadette would just kneel very still.  Even when the candle she was holding burned down to her hands, she kept kneeling and did not react!

But then Bernadette started kissing the ground, and eating the grass, and washing her face with the mud. The audience laughed, pointing at her and saying "She's off her rocker!" and "She's not dealing with a full deck." and "She's not quite the full shilling!"

Her mom said angrily "What are you doing?"

Bernadette said "Mary told me to drink from this spring!"

Her mom said "There is no spring here-  let's go home!"

And she dragged Bernadette away.

But then suddenly water bubbled up from underground, and everyone gasped as they saw the spring!

Everyone started singing Alleluia.

(everyone but Bernadette leave. Nuns and sick enter)

Bernadette became a nun, and learned to fold her hands and walk like a nun, and took care of sick people.  Eventually she got tuberculosis, which caused her great pain in her knee.  But even in pain, she continued to serve joyfully.  She died when she was only 35 years old.

St Bernadette-  pray for us!

Post Script;
Eventually a little pool was made with the spring water, and a church built.
Bernadette's body was buried, but when it was dug up years later, it was found to be intact!