James the Just

Disclaimer

A lot of this is a speculative compilation based on what we know from Scripture and other sources. Chances are it is not 100% accurate 

 Jesus, James, cousins (3), Joseph, Cleopas, Mary, Other Mary, disciples (2), Paul, Annas, Priests (2)

When Jesus was a young man, he always hung out with James and his other cousins. Jesus would greet them with a secret family handshake, and say "What's up brother!"

James would laugh and say "You know, I'm not actually your brother right? I'm your cousin!"

Jesus laughed and said "In Greek it's the same thing! You're a brother to me!"  Then once again Jesus said "What's up, brother?"

James shook his head and said "Oh, brother."

(Enter Mary and Joseph) 

Jesus parents were Mary and Joseph. Mary and Joseph greeted Jesus saying "Hello, son."

(Enter Cleopas and other Mary)

James' parents were Cleopas and the other Mary. James' parents said "Hello son." 

Then to Joseph, Cleopas said "What's up brother?"

James shook his head and "See? They are actually brothers!"

Joseph said to Cleopas "Isn't it funny that we're brothers and we both married women named Mary? What are the chances?"

Cleopas said "It seems every second woman is named Mary. So chances are high!"

James said "I guess that makes you the Mary Men!"

And everyone had a good hearty chuckle.

(Exit Joseph, Mary, Cleopas, other Mary, enter Disciples)

One day Jesus came through his home town with his disciples. Jesus made introductions saying "Hey disciples!  This is my brother James, and my other brothers and sisters, who are not named in this skit!"

One of the disciples said "Brother? I thought Mary only had one kid!"

James nodded, and said "She did. We're actually cousins, but it's pretty much the same thing."

The other disciple said "So what's it like to be the brother of the Messiah?"

James was surprised. "You think Jesus is the messiah? C'mon, he's just a regular guy! He's a carpenter from Nazareth!"

Jesus sighed, and said "That's why I never do any miracles around here- my own family don't understand. C'mon disciples, let's go somewhere else."

(Exit Jesus, Disciples)

James was stunned. He looked at his siblings and said "Do you really think Jesus is the Messiah?"

They all shook their heads no and laughed at the idea.

(Enter disciples, Cleopas)

Some time later James and his siblings and Cleopas were all in Jerusalem for the Passover. They saw the disciples who looked sad.

James asked "What's wrong guys?" 

The disciples looked at each other, and said "Didn't you hear? They crucified Jesus!"

James was shocked. "What?"

One of the cousins said "Guess we know he wasn't the Messiah..."

But one of the disciples said "Yeah but now some people said he rose from the dead!"

James shook his head, and said "no way."

But Cleopas put a hand on his shoulder and said "Let's go for a walk."

(Exit all but Cleopas and James. Enter Jesus)

While walking, Jesus came up and joined them, but at first Cleopas and James did not recognize him. Suddenly Cleopas said "Wait, you're Jesus!"

Jesus looked at James and said "What's up, brother?"

Then he disappeared.

(Exit Jesus, Cleopas, enter disciples)

 After Jesus went to heaven, James became one of the leaders of the disciples. The other disciples said "James, as the brother of Jesus, you should be the Bishop of Jerusalem!"

James nodded and said "ok!"

(Enter Paul)

One day a guy called Paul came and said "Guys, help me out.  A bunch of Christians from Jerusalem are saying that everyone who becomes Christian first has to obey the Jewish law, even if they aren't Jewish!  You're saved by faith, not works!"

But James said "Yeah, but, faith without works is dead."

Paul said "I know, obviously. What I mean is that Christ saves us, not obeying the Jewish law. Obviously people still have to become holy!"

The disciples stroked their chins and thought. Finally James said "Sounds right to me, and to the Holy Spirit! Paul, let me write you a letter so everyone know you have the backing of the bishop of Jerusalem and the Apostles."

Paul and James shook hands, then Paul went off to Greece.

(Exit Paul, enter Annas, priests)  

James continued to teach about justice and caring for the poor and keeping our language pure. The disciples and even the Jewish priests nodded their heads and said "He's so wise!"

But a guy called Annas said "He's a Christian!  He's stirring up dissent against the priests!"

The priests were shocked, and yelled "Kill Him!"

So Annas and the priests took James to the highest place in the temple, and threw him off it. James yelled "Jesus is the Messiah!" as he fell to the ground.

The disciples wailed and said "He's dead!"

But James got off the ground and said "I'm not dead yet!"

So the priests took stones and threw them at James, then one of them grabbed a metal club and clubbed James in the head. James fell down and died.

St James the Just- Pray for us!

Francis Assisi and the Sultan

 Francis, Franciscans (3) Illuminato, Crusaders (3), Muslims (3), Sultan

(This is not an account of the entire life of St Francis, only of a key moment in his life.)

(Enter Francis)

There once was a man named Francis of Assisi. Francis was rich, charming, and good looking. He struck a pose, and all the girls in the audience whistled at him.

Francis was also a warrior, and rode his horse into battle, making his unique battle cry.

But then Francis had a conversion!  He gave away all his money, and lived as a friar, kind of like a monk, chanting as he walked.

(Enter Franciscans and Illuminato)

Francis became so holy that soon other men and women, called Franciscans, gathered around him to live like him.

 One of the Franciscans was named Illuminato.  Illuminato made a triangle with his hands and put it around his eye, but most people didn't get it, so the narrator went on with the story.

(Exit Franciscans)

One day Francis was talking to Illuminato, and he said "Did you hear about the Crusade that's happening in Egypt right now?"

Illuminato shook his head and said "It's not going well for the Christians."

Francis nodded gravely. "It seems they are in denial." Francis paused for the audience to laugh, but none of them knew their history or their geography, so no one did. Suddenly some of the audience members got it, so they showed off by laughing loudly and obnoxiously.

Francis said "I have an idea. Let's go to Egypt, and cross the lines into Muslim territory, and preach to the Sultan! If he converts to Christianity, we will win the entire country of Egypt."

Illuminato nodded, and said "I see absolutely no flaws in this plan." So together they rode off to Egypt. 

(Enter Crusaders on one side of the stage, Muslims on the other side)

The Muslims and Crusaders were engaged in a silent, slow motion battle. Francis and Illuminato strolled right past the Crusaders. 

(Exit Crusaders)

When they got to the Muslim line, the Muslims drew swords on them and said "Where do you think you're going, Christians?" 

Illuminato peed his pants.

But Francis put up his hands and said "We come in peace. We want to speak to the Sultan!"

(Enter Sultan)

When Francis met the Sultan, he said "God loves you, and he wants you to love him back."

The Sultan said "We serve God too!"  Suddenly all of the Muslims faced east and bowed to the ground in prayer. The Sultan said "See, we do this 5 times a day!" The Muslims stood up again.

Francis nodded, impressed. "I thought you guys were really awful heathens!"

The Sultan laughed, and said "That's what we thought about you! But you Franciscans have impressed me. I promise that when we win this war, we will treat Christians well in Egypt."

So Francis and the Sultan shook hands, and then Francis and Illuminato went on their way.

(Exit Francis and Illuminato. Enter Franciscans)

Years later, Franciscans came to Jerusalem. They were confronted by the Muslims and the Sultan. The Sultan said "Hey, where are you going? No Christians allowed!"

But the Franciscans said "We are Franciscan friars..."

The Sultan said "Franciscans!  Oh, in that case, come on in!  In fact, you guys can be the official tour guides for any Christians who want to come here!"

And to this day Franciscans still have responsibility for many of the holy sites in Israel.

St Francis of Assisi, pray for us!

Civil War

 This is not a saint story, and is not even a hero story, but this is an important story to understand a key piece of biblical history.

Solomon, ladies (3), Rehoboam, Jeroboam, Ahijah, old men (3), the boyz (3)

There once was a great king named Solomon.  Solomon was wise, rich, and he loved the ladies.  In fact he had 700 wives!  Solomon tried to put his arms around all three ladies at once.

The audience was gob smacked. They declared "I thought you said he was wise!"

(Enter Rehoboam)

Solomon shared his wisdom with his son. Solomon spoke with an air of great wisdom and said "My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity."

Rehoboam said "Yes, oh wise father!"

One of Solomons wives whined and said "Why can't I worship my pagan god in your kingdom?  I want a temple to my God!"

The other ladies agreed, saying "Yeah, and we want temples to our gods!"

Solomon rubbed his head like he had a headache, and said to Rehoboam "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."  But then to his wives he said "Ok, ok, you can all have temples to your gods. Yeesh."

(Enter Jeroboam)

Jeroboam ran and said "Oh mighty king!  The people are complaining!  You work them too hard!  You tax them too much.  If you don't relax your rules, they are going to rebel!"

Solomon shook his head, and said to his son Rehoboam "Diligent hands bring wealth." But then he added, "Their diligent hands are going to bring wealth to me, know what I'm saying?" 

(exit Solomon, Rehoboam, ladies, enter Ahijah)

Jeroboam shook his head, grumbling about Solomon and his rule.  Suddenly Ahijah jumped out  in front of him, yelling his name like it was a karate cry.

Jeroboam was startled.  He asked "Who are you?"

Ahijah did more karate moves and said "Ahijah!"  Then he took off the cloak he was wearing, and ripped it into 12 pieces.  He gave 10 of the pieces to Jeroboam and said "God will rip this kingdom apart and give you 10 tribes to rule as king, leaving only 2 tribes for Solomon."

Then he did more karate kicks, and left like a ninja.

(Exit Ahijah)

The crowd gasped.  They said "Did you see that? The prophet just told Jeroboam that he's going to lead a rebellion against Solomon!"

Jeroboam said "Oh no! When Solomon hears about this he'll kill me!"  So Jeroboam ran away to Egypt.

(Enter Solomon, Rehoboam, and Ladies)

Solomon stared stoically into the middle distance and said dramatically "For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing, and they have no more reward, for the memory of them is forgotten."

The ladies said "Wow, so wise!"  

Solomon said "Right?"  But then he died.

(Exit Solomon) 

The crowd said "Now Rehoboam is king!"

(Enter Jeroboam)

Jeroboam said "Rehoboam!  Your dad taxed us too much, and worked us too hard. Will you relax things?"

Rehoboam said "Hmm, let me think..."

(Enter old men)

The old men said "He's right! If we push them too hard there'll be a rebellion!"

But Rehoboam didn't listen to the old men.

(Exit old men, enter the Boyz)

Instead he went to the Boyz. The Boyz said "Tell him, that if he thinks your father was harsh, your gonna be worse!  In fact. hears what you should say..." then they whispered something to Rehoboam.

Rehoboam thought that was a great idea, and gave the Boyz each a high five. Rehoboam said "Jeroboam, you think my dad was harsh? I'm gonna be worse. He whipped you with whips, I'm going to whip you with scorpions. I have my strength in my little finger than he has in his..."

But the audience bleeped out the end of the sentence.

Jeroboam turned to the audience and said "Waddya guys think?"

The audience all said "We don't need him!  Get him out of here!"

So Rehoboam and the Boyz slunk away scared.

(Exit Rehoboam, the Boyz)

Jeroboam addressed the audience and said "Good work everyone!  10 out of 12 tribes are with us!  We'll start out own country, and we won't worship God in the Temple anymore.  Instead, we'll worship golden calves."

And everyone said "Oy!"

   

 

David and Bathsheba

 David, Servant, Bathsheba, Uriah, Joab, Soldiers (3), Nathan, wives (3)

There once was a great king named David. David was very clever, and tapped his head knowledgably. He was a great warrior, and would practice his sword fighting. He was also an accomplished harp player and singer, and would sing songs to God. 

He made a heart with his hands. and directed it to God.

The audience said "Wow!  There's a king after God's own heart!"

 He also had lots of wives.

(Enter wives)

All his wives giggled as they flirted with him, saying "David is so manly!"

(Enter Joab, Soldiers, Uriah)

One day the commander of David's forces, Joab, came running in, saying "David, our enemies are attacking! Come lead us in battle!)

But David yawned, and said "I'm tired. You guys go ahead. Besides, you don't need me! You have Uriah!"

Uriah flexed his massive muscles, and said "I am a might warrior!"

David laughed and said "Yeah you are! You're the man!" And David gave Uriah a high five.

Then Joab led Uriah and the Soldiers into battle. They charged off the stage, yelling their battle cry.

(Exit Joab, Uriah, soldiers.)

David said "I think I'll go hang out on the roof of the palace for a bit." He began climbing the ladder to the roof, while his wives giggled, giving him his privacy.

(Exit wives, enter Bathsheba)

On the roof, David was looking around, when suddenly he saw Bathsheba on another rooftop. David said "Vavavoom! Who is that vision of loveliness?"

(Enter servant)

The servant said "That is Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah."

David said "Wow. How did he end up with a girl like that? Get her for me."

So the servant went to Bathsheba, and brought her to David.

Bathsheba genuflected before David and said "What can I do for you, your majesty?"

David whispered something in her ear.

But Bathsheba objected. "I'm married."

David shrugged, and said "Yeah, but your husbands not here, and I'm the king, so I get what I want."

(Clear the stage.)

Weeks passed.

(Enter David, Bathsheba)

Bathsheba said "David, I'm pregnant."

David looked alarmed. "With Uriah's baby?"

Bathsheba shook her head, and said. "Nope. Yours". Then she walked away.

(Exit Bathsheba)

David trembled. He said "Oh no! What am I going to do? Uriah will kill me when he finds out!  I'll have to make him think that the baby is his."

(Enter Servant)

David said "Servant, go get me Uriah from the war!"

So the servant ran off.

(Exit servant, Enter Uriah) 

Uriah said "You sent for me your majesty?"

David smiled, and put his arm around Uriah's soldiers like they were best buds. David said "Yes! Good to see you! How goes the battle?"

Uriah looked confused, but said "Good. I think we're gonna win. But I'm really needed on the front line."

David smiled and said "I bet you are! You are the best warrior we have. But you deserve a night off. Go home, spend the night with your wife, go back tomorrow!"

But Uriah said "No. I need to be in the battle like any good soldier. I can't get back there tonight, so tonight I'll sleep in the palace, as your personal body guard!"

David smiled, but inside he was freaking out. "Great, you do that!"

(Exit David, enter Joab, Soldiers)

The next day Uriah brought a letter to Joab from David. Joab read the letter, and he turned pale. But all he said was "Ok."

Joab took the soldiers aside and said quietly to them, so that Uriah wouldn't hear "When I yell charge, don't charge. I'm trying to trick, uh, the enemy."

So Joab, Uriah and the Soldiers all lined up for battle.

Joab yelled "Charge!"

Uriah and the Soldiers all gave their battle cry, but only Uriah charged.  Uriah ran ahead of the rest of the army, then turned back and said "Wait, what?"

But suddenly Uriah was hit by an enemy spear, and he died.

(Exit Joab, Uriah, Soldiers. Enter David and servant)

The Servant said "Your majesty, a letter from Joab." He handed David a scroll.

David read the letter, and breathed a sigh of relief. He announced "Uriah is dead. Guess I got away with it!  Guess I better marry Bathsheba and take care of her!"

(Enter Nathan)

But Nathan, the local prophet, entered and said "David, God knows that you took another mans wife, and killed the man. God will punish you!"

(Exit Nathan, servant)

David fell on his knees, and said "I'm sorry God! Please forgive me!" Then he wrote a song about how sorry he was.

David was a king after God's own heart. But David made some very serious mistakes. But afterwards, he repented, and even though there were consequences for his sins, his relationship with God was healed. 

Dominic Savio

 Dominic, mom, dad, parish priest, teacher, students (2), Don Bosco, doctor

(Enter Dominic, Mom, dad, priest)

There once was a boy named Dominic Savio.  Dominic was cute and little, and he held hands with his mom and dad and skipped everywhere he went.

One day, Dominic Savio came to church with his mom and dad. Dad said to the priest "We're wondering if Dominic can receive his first communion?"

The priest looked at Dominic. "How old are you son?"

Dominic said "7".

The priest shook his head "Sorry, you have to be 12."  (The rules have changed since then).

Dominic looked sad, so the priest said "You know, I've seen you praying so much, and you really understand the teachings of the church.  I think I can make an exception!"

Dominic was so happy! He jumped up and down clapping his hands in glee. He said "I promise to go to Mass and Confession as often as I can, I'll celebrate Sundays and Feast Days, Jesus and Mary will be my friends, and I'll die rather than sin!"

(Exit priest, parents, enter students)

In school, Dominic excelled beyond the other students. One day when the teacher was out of the room, the other students took snow and garbage and put it into the woodstove.  They snickered mischievously, while Dominic stood aghast.

(Enter teacher) 

When the teacher found it, he/she was outraged!  The teacher said "Now I can't light the stove!  Who did this!  Whoever did will be expelled!"

The students all pointed at Dominic and said 'He did it!"

Dominic just hung his head as if guilty.

The Teacher scolded Dominic, saying "Well, you should be expelled, but since it was your first time, you won't be. But never do anything like that again!"

Dominic nodded.

(Exit students)

The next day, the teacher confronted Dominic again. The teacher said "So I understand you aren't actually the one who put stuff in the woodstove."

Dominic sighed "no".

The teacher said "Why didn't you tell me?"

Dominic said "I knew I wouldn't get in as much trouble as they would, I didn't want them to get expelled."

(Exit teacher, enter students.)

One day two of the students got into a fight. They began bumping their chests against each other to intimidate each other.

One student said "You want to go man?"

The other said "Don't get up in my grill!"

The audience started chanting "Fight, fight, fight, fight!"

Dominic ran over to them and said "Whoa break it up!"

The first student said "I'm going to break him up in a minute."

The audience said  "Oooh."

The second student said "Bring it tough guy."

The first student said "After school. Courtyard. Rockfight."

Dominic cried out in alarm "Rock fight?"

The second student said "That's right. We're gonna throw rocks at each other."

Dominic said "C'mon guys..."

But both student 1 and 2 said "I'll be there!"

After school all the students gathered in the courtyard for the rock fight. Student 1 and 2 started gathering rocks to throw.  But Dominic knelt between them, and held up a crucifix, and said "If you're going to fight, each of you throw the first rock at me."

The first student said "I'm not going to throw a rock at you!"

The second student said "Dominic, get out of the way!  We don't have anything against you!"

Dominic said "You won't throw rocks at me because I am innocent, but you would offend Christ by throwing rocks at each other?"

The two students were stricken. They said simultaneously "Fine! We won't fight!"

Then they came together in a big hug. They held onto each other and did not let go through the following dialogue.

(Enter teacher)

The teacher said "Really, they hugged? That seems over the top."

Dominic smiled, and said "They didn't really hug. We just wrote that into the script so the two actors would have to hug."

Students 1 and 2 stopped hugging, and shook their fists angrily at the narrator.

(Exit students, enter Don Bosco)

One day a priest called Don Bosco approached Dominic and said "Dominic, do you know what your name means?"

Dominic shrugged.

Don Bosco said "It means, Belongs to God!"

Dominic smiled "Well, I guess that's all the more reason for me to be a saint!"

But Don Bosco was sad.  "Dominic, I have to send you home."

Dominic was alarmed. "Why?"

Don Bosco said "You're too sick. You might get better at home."

Dominic hung his head. "Ok, I will obey."  Then he coughed, because he really was quite sick. "I'll never see you again."

Don Bosco laughed. "Dominic, you'll get better! Don't be so dramatic! You'll get better and come back to us!"

Dominic smiled, and said "It's Ok. I'm ready to die."

(Exit Don Bosco, enter Doctor)

The Doctor came and examined Dominic. The Doctor said "You have a bad cough. Here's what I recommend.  Let's cut your arms and let you bleed out all the bad blood, and then your body can make new blood and you'll be better!"

Dominic said "Ok, you're the doctor!"

So the doctor cut Dominic's arms, and allowed the blood to flow. But instead of getting better, Dominic got weaker, and died, only 14 years old.

St Dominic Savio- Pray for us!

Judah Maccabees

Alexander, 4 henchmen, Greek soldiers (4),  Jews (3), Mattathias, Judah, Simon, Eleazar, Jonathan, sell out, Elephants.

(Enter Alexander)

There once was a Greek man named Alexander.  

Alexander waved, but corrected the narrator, saying  "Uh, It's Alexander the Great, actually!"

The narrator cleared his/her throat, and started again. 

There once was a Greek man named Alexander the Great.

Alexander was...

Suddenly Alexander interrupted the narrator again, saying emphatically "The Great."

The audience collectively rolled their eyes, muttering "This is going to be a long skit."

Alexander the Great gathered his four henchman and said "Greek is the best culture in the world. We have the greatest philosophers, the greatest architects, and have you tasted our Souvlaki?"

The henchmen responded in the affirmative, all yelling "Opa!" 

Alexander the Great continued. "Let's go conquer everybody so the rest of the world can discover how fantastic we are!"

(Enter Greek Soldiers) So Alexander the Great, the henchmen and soldiers started riding all over the place, yipping and hollering and yelling "Opa" every time they killed someone. 

(Exit soldiers)

One day Alexander the Great gathered his henchman and said "I'm going to die now. Please share my empire amongst yourselves."

Then Alexander the Great died.

(Exit Alexander)

One of the henchmen said "I call dibs on Greece!"

Another said "I call Egypt"

A third said "I get Persia!"

The slowest of the henchmen, who was named Antiochus, whined. "Awe. What's left?"

The other henchmen shrugged and said "You can have Turkey."

Antiochus said "Ok, that's not so bad. Right on time for thanksgiving!"

So the three henchmen went on their way, while Antiochus called out "So long, fellers!"

(Exit 3 Henchmen, enter Greek soldiers)

Antiochus said to his soldiers "Alright, go make sure everyone is acting like good Greeks!"

(Exit Antiochus, Enter Jews)

But part of his region included Judea, where Jews are from.  The Greek Soldiers said "Everybody act Greek!  Go to the Gymnasium, worship Zeus, and eat Bacon."

But the Jews refused!  They said  "We will never eat swine flesh!"

So the Greeks cut off their hands and feet and fried them alive in giant woks. The Jews screamed and died.

(Exit Jews, enter Mattathias, Judah, Simon, Eleazar and Jonathan, sell out.)

The Greeks ordered Mattathias and his sons, saying "You are an important family!  Sacrifice to Zeus, and we'll give you loots of money, because if you do it everyone else will!"

But Mattathias said. "Never!  we will fight for the Jewish law!"

A sell out said "I'll do it!  Can I have the money?"

Mattathias screamed in outrage, and he took a sword, killed the sell out, and one of the Greeks.  Then he said "C'mon boys! Let's head for the hills!"

Then Mattathias died.

(Exit Mattathias, Enter Elephants)

The Greeks got elephants who trumpeted and reared up, and sucked water into their trunks and sprayed it at each other.  Each Greek rode on the back of an elephant.

The Greeks and the sons of Mattathias, called the Maccabeans, fought in a vicious battle. 

Eleazar pointed at one of the Elephants and said "That is the most impressive of all the animals!  I bet that's the king riding it!"  So Eleazar slid under the elephant, and stabbed it with his spear. The Elephant screamed an elephant scream, and collapsed on Eleazar, and both Eleazar and the Elephant died.

The rest of the Greeks gave up the fight, saying "Ok, Ok!  You guys can have your own kingdom!" and they ran away. (Exit Eleazar, Elephants and Greeks.)

The surviving Maccabeans cleaned the temple, rebuilt the altar, and Judah said "We should celebrate for eight days by playing with wooden tops called dreidels!"

And so the audience all together said "Happy Hannukah!"

Tobit

 Tobit, Ninevites (3), bird, Tobias, Sarah, Azariah, Fish, Asmodeus

(Enter Tobit, Ninevites)

There once was man named Tobit. Tobit lived in the city of Nineveh. The Ninevites were evil people, who slunk around hunch bakced, and eyed each other mischievously.  They plotted dastardly deeds, then laughed menacingly. Then they slunk away. 

(Exit Ninevites)

Tobit sighed. He said "Dear God, I've always been a faithful Jew. I went to the temple, I gave money to the poor, I even buried the dead!  How long must I live among these evil people?"

(Enter bird)

Suddenly a beautiful bird flew over head, chirping a merry bird song!  Tobit said "Thank you Lord!  What a beautiful bird!"

But then bird pooped in Tobits eye, laughed menacingly, and flew away.

(Exit bird)

Tobit said "Seriously? Now I'm blind!"

(Enter Tobias)

Tobit's son, Tobias, ran in, and seeing his dad, said "Dad! What can I do?"

Tobit said "If I'm blind, I can't work anymore. Go to Ecbatana. There's a man there that owes me money. You better go get it."

Tobias said "But I don't know the way!"

(Enter Azariah)

Suddenly Azariah came up, and said "Don't worry, I'll show you!"

Tobit looked confused. "Who are you?"

Azariah stuck out a hand for a handshake. "I'm Azariah, a random stranger who happened to be walking by on his his way to Ecbatana."

So Tobias and Azariah linked arms and skipped off. 

(Exit Tobit. Enter fish)

Soon, Tobias and Azariah came to a river.  As Tobias washed his feet, suddenly a fish in the river tried to eat his foot! Tobias screamed while the fish put his whole foot in his mouth!  But Tobias pulled the fish onto shore, and beat it to death.

Azariah said, "That was lucky! Save it's heart, gall, and liver. You never know when those things might come in handy!"

So Tobias cut out the organs of the fish, and threw it back into the water.

(Exit fish, enter Sarah)

When they got to Ecbatana,  there was Sarah.  Sarah was stunningly beautiful, and she walked around flitting her long hair, batting her eyelashes, and swiveling her hips.

Tobias was stunned. He asked Azariah "Who is that incredibly gorgeous woman?"

Azariah said "That's Sarah. She's your cousin, so you should marry her!"

Tobias nodded his head reverently, and said "Yeah, I should."

So immediately Tobias got down on one knee, and taking Sarah's hand in his own, he said "Sarah. You are the most beautiful woman in the whole world. Will you marry me?"  Then he kissed her hand, a prolonged and delicate kiss.

But Sarah withdrew her hand, and began to cry. She said "I wish I could marry you! But I've been married seven times, and every time my husband dies on our wedding night. People have accused me of murdering them!"

Tobias stood up. He said nervously "Oh... yeah that is weird. Who could accuse you of such a thing?"

Sarah shuddered. "It's not me! It's the demon, Asmodeus! He murders my husbands!"

Azariah nodded. "Oh yeah, don't worry about it, this kind of thing happens all the time! Tobias, here's what you should do. Marry her, but then that night, light some coals, and put the fish heart and liver, and burn it on the coals like incense. The smell will drive the demon away."

Sarah said "Yay, now we can be married!" And she grabbed Tobias by the arm, and looked lovingly into his eyes.

But Tobias said "This whole thing smells a little fishy to me, but, OK!".

(Exit Azariah)

So Tobias and Sarah were married!  That night, Tobias lit some coals, and put the fish heart and liver  on them.

(Enter Asmodeus)

Suddenly, Asmodeus entered. Asmodeus moved and spoke like Gollum from Lord of The Rings. Sarah pointed at him and said "Oh no! That's the demon!"

Asmodeus said "Yes, precious. I'm here to kill the fat one."

But Tobias took the fish part incense, and waved it in front of Asmodeus, saying "Get out foul creature!"

Asmodeus shrieked when he smelled the fish.  "You tricked us!  Wicked, tricksy Tobitses!"  Then he crawled away. 

Tobias called after him "I'm Tobias actually, Tobit is my dad."

(Enter Azariah) But Azariah chased Asmodeus, and tied him up, so he couldn't hurt anyone again.

(Exit Asmodeus) 

Sarah and Tobias hugged, and looking into each others eyes, they said in unison, "I love you!" 

Azariah said "I told you those fish parts would come in handy! But guess what? The gall is also good, because it can cure blindness!"

Tobias looked shocked. "Then what are we waiting for! Let's go!"

The three friends linked arms and skipped back to Nineveh.

(Enter Tobit)

When Tobit heard them coming, he said "Is that you Tobias? You took so long, I thought maybe something bad had happened to you!"

But Tobias took the fish gall and smeared it on his dad's eyes. 

Tobit opened his eyes and said "I can see! It's a miracle!"

Tobias turned to Azariah and said "Who are you? Everything you said came true!"

Azariah smiled. "I'm not actually a human. I'm an angel!  My name is Raphael."

Tobias laughed as he shook his head. "Cool, but, rude."

And all four of them laughed heartily at the joke.