St Expeditus

Not much is known about St Expeditus.  Some people think he didn't exist, and some even say his name is attributed to some relics that were in a packing crate labelled "Expedite".    However, devotion to him remains strong! Some of this story is from the legends about him, and some is just a plausible story from the times in which he lived.

Expeditus, Christians (3), guards (2), roman soldiers(3), Emperor Diocletian, Devil, lion, jaguar, bull

There is also a part for the 'crowd', which is the audience

(Enter Expeditus)

There once was a Roman Centurion named Expeditus.  He was known for his speed, and so he was given light weight armor that would not slow him down.  He could sprint all over the place!   He skipped and leapt and did cartwheels!

(Enter soldiers)

One day he ordered the Soldiers under him, saying "Men, let's take a break.  Let's go to the theater and watch Christians get eaten by wild animals!"

The soldiers cheered, saying, "Yes, lets!"

(Enter Diocletian)

So Expeditus and the soldiers went to the theater, and sat in the stands with Diocletian, the emperor.  Diocletian said "Good to see you gentlemen!  I expect we will all get to witness some gruesome and brutal deaths today!"

The soldiers said "Hurrah!"

(Enter first Christian, Guards, Lion)

As they watched, first one Christian was taken out by the guards.  The Christian said "I am willing to die for Christ, for to me death is life!"  That Christian was quickly devoured by a lion!

(Exit Lion and Christian.  Enter second Christian, Jaguar)

Then a second Christian was brought out.  That Christian said "What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but to lose his soul?  Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit!"  A Jaguar pounced on that Christian, and bit his face off.

(Exit second Christian, Jaguar.  Enter third Christian, Bull)

A third Christian came out, saying "I rejoice in my suffering, because I unite it to the suffering of Christ on the Cross, and make up in my own body what was lacking in His!"  That Christian was gored and trampled by a bull.

(Exit 3rd Christian, Bull)

The Roman soldiers clapped and cheered.  But Expeditus stood up, saying "Enough! Considering the heroic courage of these Christians, I too will become a Christian!"

(Enter Devil)

When the Devil heard this, he made himself into a crow, and flying to where Expeditus was, said in a crows voice "Wait!  Think it over!  If you become a Christian now, you will suffer the fate of those martyrs!  Why not wait until tomorrow?"

But Expeditus said "No!  I will become Christian this very moment!"  And he stomped the crow to death.  Then he yelled loudly "I too am a Christian!"

(Exit Devil)

The crowd booed, yelling "Kill him! Throw him to the Lions!"

Diocletian stood up and said "Silence!"

The crowd was silent, except for the sound of a cricket.

Diocletian said "Expeditus is a Roman Citizen, and a centurion!  We do not throw roman citizens into the Arena!"  Then to Expeditus he said "Denounce this new found faith, or I will chop your head off!"

Expeditus said "I cannot deny my faith in Christ, even if it cost me my life."

Diocletian turned bright red and yelled "Off with his head!"

And so Expeditus' own soldiers escorted him into the Arena and chopped off his head.

St Expeditus-  Pray for us!

St Therese

Therese, mom, Dad, Pauline, Marie, Celine, Mean Nun, Doctor

Therese was born to two very loving parents.  She was the fourth of 4 sisters.  Her dad would pat each of them on the head and call them by nick names.  First Pauline would come, and he would pat her and say "You are my diamond."  Then Marie would come, and he would pat her and say "You are my little pearl."  Then Celine would come, and he would pat her and say "You are the bold one!"  Finally it would be Therese' turn.  She would come to him very shyly.  He would pick her up, put her on his knee, and say "And you are my little queen!"

One day There's mom died of breast cancer.  The family mourned.  But while the others cried softly, therese screamed and wailed, beating the ground with her fists.

After that, Therese would often have nervous fits, trembling and clenching her teeth.  She could not speak.

Her family said "We just don't know what's wrong with her!"

The doctor said "Me niether!"

Then one day her oldest sister, Pauline, said "I have decided to become a nun!  I am going to join the convent!"

Her father was so happy, he gave her a great big hug.  But Therese said "You can't!  You've been my mom ever since mama died!" Therese began once more to scream and wail and beat the ground with her fists.

Another time she overheard her father talking to her older sisters.  She was standing outside the door when he said "I don't want to do the Santa Clause thing this year at Christmas."

But Celine said "But papa, you have to!  Therese still believes!"

Her father said "She is getting too old for that nonsense."

That's when they noticed her standing outside the door.

Then Therese ran off.

Marie shook her head.  "Poor Therese"  she said, "I bet she is screaming and wailing again."

But Therese came back into the room and said "I have decided not to get so upset about every thing, but rather to trust God!"

Eventually, Marie and Celine and Therese all became nuns too!

Then Therese's father got very sick.  She wanted to go to him, but had promised tpo stay in the convent forever.  A mean nun said "Too bad-  you can't leave."

When her father died, Therese was sad.  But rather than scream and wail, she just sat peacefully and prayed.

The mean nun would see her praying and say things like "Get up, you lazy good for nothing!"

Therese would always just smile and say "Yes, sister.  How can I please you?"

Finally the mean nun said "Sister Therese, I don't get it.  I am always mean to you.  How can you keep loving me?"

Therese said "I love you with the love of God!  This is my little way to be a saint-  just do little things with great love!"

A few years later, Therese got tuberculosis.  She coughed and coughed, often coughing up blood! But when the other nuns looked at her with concern, she would just smile sweetly.

The Doctor said to the other nuns "You have no idea how much she is suffering!"

Therese said "I never knew it was possible to suffer so much!  But now even my suffering has turned to sweetness! So, I cannot suffer anymore."

Then St Therese died.  She was only 24.  

St Therese of Lisieux-  Pray for us.

St Patrick

St Patrick

Patrick, pirates (2), Pigs (2) British (2) Irish (2), Druids (2), snakes (2)

(Opening scene- enter Patrick, British)

St Patrick was born in England, in the fourth century.  He always spoke with a British accent as he greeted people, saying “Good day old chap!”. The brits would say "ello Govenor" or "tea time" depending on how rich they were.

(Enter Pirates)  Along came pirates, who said piraty things like "Arrr" and "Yohoho and a bottle of rum" and "We don't do anything"  They kidnapped Patrick, throwing him over their shoulder and saying "We got the booty!"  The audience laughed, but the narrator resisted the urge to make an inappropriate joke, because the skit was happening at youth group. They took him to the land of Ireland.

(Scene Change, exit British, enter Irish, druids, pigs)

Everyone greeted him with an Irish accent, saying “Top o’ the morning to ya!” Ireland was the land of the druids-  a kind of wizard. One was named Dumbledor, and another Hagrid, and they kept saying to Patrick "You're a wizard, Harry!"  They worshiped things like the sun and moon, bowing and saying "Oh, mighty orbs in the sky!" and fire saying "Oh, mighty powerful fire, consumer of all consumables!" and twigs saying "Oh mighty twig, ye are so mighty and, uh twig like."

The Irish bought  Patrick from the Pirates, and he was made a slave, and had to feed the pigs.  The pigs would eat out of Patrick's hand, then lick his hand, then sniff him for more food.

(Scene change, exit Irish, druids, pigs, enter British)

One day Patrick escaped, and made it back to England, where people once more greeted him in British, saying “Good day old chap!”  Patrick studied hard, and became a priest.  One night he had a dream, where the people of Ireland (Irish appear in a dreamlike fashion) said “Come back to us and preach again!” (Irish disappear)

(Scene change- British exit, Irish and Druids enter)

So Patrick returned to Ireland, where he had been a slave, but now he was a Bishop!  The crowd applauded!  The Irish were so happy, they did a little jig!  But the druids were mad.   They said “Ya really ought be worshiping the stars like we do!”

In order to get a really good look at the stars, the druids made a rule that for several nights no one was allowed to light a fire or any candles.  But Patrick and his Irish friends disobeyed, and lit a big bonfire!  The druids came and confronted him, saying “What did you do that for!  Put it out!” 

Patrick said “If you don’t like it, you put it out!”

So the druids took a bucket of water, and tried to dump it on the fire- but the water would not come out of the bucket!  The druids were astonished-  they trembled in fear!  They fell to their knees and said  “We will worship Patrick’s Gods!”

But Patrick said “Actually, I only have one God-  but he’s three persons.  Kind of like a clover has three leaves but is one.”

The crowd said “Ohhhh”  and nodded their heads in a knowing way.

(enter snakes)

After that Patrick did another miracle-  he told the snakes to leave Ireland, and they slithered away, diving into the ocean!  And there are no snakes in Ireland to this day. (exit snakes)

Eventually Patrick converted even the druids to Catholicism!

Patrick died on March 17^th, and he is celebrated as the patron of Ireland, and is traditionally thought to be the keeper of purgatory.

St Patrick-  Pray for us!

St Olga

This is the most bizarre saint of the week yet.

Olga of Kiev

Olga, Igor, Sev, Drevlians (3), Mal, Soldiers (3), best men (3), 5000 Drevlians(3), villagers (3), birds (3)

(Enter Olga, Igor, and Sev)

Olga was married to a man named Igor.  They had a young son called Svyatoslav  (Sev- E- at –o-slav, but we’ll just call him “Sev”) Igor was the king of Kiev, and was very proud. He walked around striking handsome poses for everyone to admire. 

Olga said in her best Ukrainian accent, "Yes, yes, he is very handsome, and I love him dearly, but that's enough!  Igor, stop strutting like a peacock."

Suddenly Igor impersonated the hunchback Igor from Frankenstein and said, "Yes, master"

(Enter Drevlians)

Igor and Olga were Vikings. Their enemies, the Drevlians, were forest people. One day the Drevlians attacked, making sounds like forest animals as they did. They killed Igor.

(Exit Drevlians, Igor)

 Olga and Sev and all the soldiers mourned. Since Sev was only 3, and was not old enough to be king, Olga ruled instead. Sev remained by his mothers side, always reacting as a three year old to whatever she did.

(Enter Mal, Drevlians-  keep on opposite side of stage from Olga and Sev)

The prince of the Drevlians was a man named Mal. He pranced about, while the Drevlians flitted around him. Mal said, “Olga is very beautiful. If I married her, then I would be King of Kiev!”

So he sent his faithful Drevlians to Olga.

(Exit Mal, Enter soldiers)

The Drevlians said, “Olga, Prince Mal wants you to be his wife!”

But Olga said to her soldiers, “Bury these Drevlians alive!”  So the Drevlians were thrown into a pit, and buried alive, their screams slowly muffled by the piled dirt.

(Exit Drevlians)

Then Olga said to her soldiers, “Bring this message to Mal.  I agree to marry him. But he must send me his best men to escort me!”  The soldiers saluted and marched off.

(Enter Best Men)

When Mal's best men arrived, Olga said, “You gentlemen must be tired. Come, rest in this bathhouse!”

The men went into the Bathhouse, and said: "This is nice!"

But once they were inside the bathhouse, Olga locked the door, and her soldiers burned the building down!  All the best men died in the fire.

(Exit best men, enter 5000 Drevlians)

Now that all of the wisest Drevlians were dead, Olga invited the rest of the Drevlians to a mourning feast for her dead husband. 5000 came, and enjoyed the vodka very much. When the 5000 were drunk, Olga's soldiers killed them all.

(Exit 5000, enter villagers)

Then she sent her soldiers to the village of the Drevlians, to finish the job.  The villagers fell on their knees, and begged her for mercy, saying “We will give you furs and honey!”

She said, “Instead, I want 3 live pigeons and 3 live sparrows from every household”. 

(Enter birds)

The villagers thanked her for being so merciful, and brought her the birds.

Olga and her soldiers tied a piece of sulphur to each bird's leg, then let them go.  The birds flew back to their homes.  Once in their nests, the sulphur ignited the nests, and the whole village burned down at once, while the villagers wailed in despair.

(Exit birds)

After all this, Olga finally became a Christian-  and then she was way nicer, and her conversion resulted in the conversion of Russia!

Ukrainian Catholics honour her with a title that means "Equal to the Apostles".

St Olga, Equal to the Apostles, -  Pray for us!

Dymphna

St Dymphna

Dymphna, Mother, Father, friends(2), servant, other women (3). Priest, soldiers (2), travelers (2), sick (1)

(Enter Dymphna, Mother, father)

Dymphna was the daughter of Damon, the king of a little place called Oriel in Ireland.  Damon was a happy man, and would always say in his Irish accent “A, my wee Dymphna. Thank your lucky charms you’re as beautiful as your mother!” 

Dymphna would blush and say, “Thanks daddy!”  and give him a kiss on the cheek.

But more than anything, Damon was in love with his wife. Dymphna’s mother flitted about gracefully, always looking beautiful and poised, and saying things like “Dymphna, you truly are beautiful, but it is God you should thank, and not your lucky charms.” 

Her mother, you see, was a Christian, and she would spend her time praying on her knees to Jesus. Her father was a pagan, and he would dance around, singing songs about painting with all the colours of the wind.

But they were very much in love. Dymphna's mom and dad would hold hands, and stare lovingly into each other's eyes, and Damon would say “My sweet, sweet love, what would I ever do without you?”

Then one day, when Dymphna was 14, her mom died. 

(Exit Mom)

Dymphna cried. She ran to her dad for a big consoling hug, but Damon lost his mind. 

He flapped like a chicken and howled like a wolf.

(Enter servant)

 He told his servant “Gather the women you find, and when there is one as beautiful as my dead wife, I will marry her.”

(Enter other women)

So, the servants brought other women to him.  But Damon would examine each one, saying things like “Blech” and “You must be kidding” and “How old is that hag?”

Finally, servant said “why don’t you marry Dymphna, your daughter?  She looks just like your dead wife!”

Damon looked at Dymphna and gave a wolf whistle. Dymphna said “Eww!”  and added “Also immoral.”  

(Enter friends)

She and her friends ran away to Belgium. 

(Exit father, servant, other women. Enter priest, travelers, sick)

In Belgium, they began working with a priest to look after travelers and the sick. 

(Enter father, soldiers)

But eventually, Damon found them. Damon came with his soldiers and said “Kill the priest!”  So they chopped off the priest's head. The travelers and sick ran away.

(Exit priest, travelers, sick, friends)

Then Damon said “Come Dymphna. We will be wed and you will be my queen.”

Dymphna cried, "Never!"

Damon said “Have it your way. Chop off her head.”

So the soldiers chopped her head off, and Dymphna died.  

She is the patron saint of the mentally ill.

Saint Dymphna- Pray for us!

Josemaria Escriva

Josemaria Escriva

Josemaria, mom, dad, doctor, communists (3), priest, Franko, soldiers (3), Opus Dei (3)

 Josemaria was born to poor parents in Spain in 1902.  When he was 2 years old, he had an epileptic seizure.   The doctor said “I am afraid that your boy is going to die.”    Joesmaria’s mom and dad, cried, and hugged each other.  They hugged and they hugged.  Hi father probably also stole a kiss.

Finally his mother said “Well, let’s pray for him.”  So, Picking Josemaria up in her arms, she carried him to a statue of Mary, and laid him down. Josemaria was healed!

(Doctor off stage)

A few years later, Josemarias’ Dad came home and said  “I lost my job.” 

His mom looked sad, and said “Do you need a hug?”

His father nodded sadly, and so they began hugging again.  They hugged and they hugged.  So Josemaria grew up without much money.  But one day he said to his parents “I want to be a priest!”  They were so happy, they gave each other a great big hug!

And so he left home, and became a priest.

(Parents off stage-  stop hugging.)

One day, Civil war broke out in Spain.

The communists said “We are for the people!  We will fight for the revolution!  Kill the rich- and priests too!”  They caught a priest, and shot him on the street.

Franko, the head of the government said  “I’m not really a good guy, but, at least I’ll protect priests!” 

The communists and Franko’s soldiers fought , shooting each other and lobbing grenades.  Josemaria had run the long way, all the way through France, to get behind Franko’s side.

Finally, all the communists were dead, and Franko had won the war.  His soldiers all High Fived each other.

(Frank and soldiers leave)

Josemaria started a group called “Opus Dei”, which met to rpay and to offer their work as a prayer.  When Josemaria died, they built a shrine to the statue of Mary in his home town.

St Josemaria-  Pray for us!

St Athanasius

 Cast- Athanasius, friends (3), Bishop Alexander, Arius, Emperor Constantine, Bishops (2), Pope Julius, Pope Damasus, Pope Pius V

(Enter Athanasius, Friends)

There once was a boy named Athanasius, who lived in Alexandria, Egypt.  Being an Egyptian, Athanasius walked like an Egyptian, while the audience sang the song “Walk like an Egyptian”.  

One day while playing with his friends, Athanasius was pretending to be a Bishop, and was dunking his friends under water, saying “I baptize you, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”

(Enter Bishop Alexander)

Bishop Alexander saw their game, and laughed, and said “Congratulations!  You just baptized them for real! Now you are all Christians!”   Then the Bishop took Athanasius aside and said “I think you should become a priest!” 

(Exit Friends)

So Athanasius became a priest, lying on his face in front of the Bishop for his ordination.  Everyone cheered! Eventually he even became a Bishop! Bishop Alexander gave him a high five, saying "What up, Bish?"

(Exit Bishop Alexander, Enter Arius)

But there was another guy in town called Arius.  Arius told everyone “Jesus is not really God, you know. He was made by God.”

Athanasius said “Nu-uh, he is God!”

Arius said “Is not”

Athanasius “Is so!”

(Enter Constantine) 

This went on for some time, with Arius repeating “not- not- not” and Athanasius repeating “So-so-so” until finally Emperor Constantine said “Enough! Let’s get all the bishops together in Nicea to solve this problem.”

Athanasius said “Nicea? I hear it’s Nicea there this time of year!”  Then he tried to get a high five for his pun, but no one gave him one.

(Enter Bishops)

At the council of Nicea, all the bishops agreed that the Trinity is real, saying together "We Believe that Jesus is God from God, Light from Light, True God from True God, Consubstantial with the Father, Begotten not made."

But Arius was mad. He held his breath and turned red until smoke came out his ears.  He said to Constantine “Athanasius is being a bully, and he’s hogging all of Egypt's grain.” 

So Constantine said “Athanasius, stop being a bully.  For that you are banished.”  

So Athanasius sadly walked off the stage.

(Exit Athanasius)

But then everyone else walked off the stage,

(Clear the stage)

 and since Athanasius is our main character, there was an awkward moment where no one was on stage.

(Enter Athanasius)

So Athanasius came back on stage, 

(Enter Emperor)

but the emperor came back and said “Nope… still banished.” And Athanasius left again.

This went on for some time, with Athanasius coming back on the stage and getting kicked off again by the emperor.  Finally the emperor let him stay, and Athanasius said “Can’t we all just get along?”

(Enter bishops)

The other Bishops shook their heads, and said "No, Arius was right!  Jesus was not God! Athanasius should be banished!"

(Enter Pope Julius)

But Pope Julius said  "No!  Athanasius is the legitimate bishop of Alexandria, and he is right!"

(Enter Pope Damasus) 

Pope Damasus said "Darn tootin!  Athanasius is a defender of the faith!"

The audience said "Athanasius is a saint!"

(Enter Pope Pius V)

Pope Pius V said "He's not only a saint, he's a doctor of the church!"

All three popes, who did not actually live at the same time, patted Athanasius on the back and said "Good work, m'boy!"

St Athanasius-   Pray for us!