Adam and Eve

Adam and Eve is the story of the first parents.  After God created the Earth and everything in it, he created humans in his image and likeness as the epitome of his creation. He made them good, provided everything they needed, and gave them a role to play in subduing the Earth.  But he also gave them a single restriction. Don’t eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Cast- 11

God, Adam, animals (4), Eve, Serpent, angel, Tree of Knowledge, Tree of Life

(Enter God)

 In the beginning, there was just God. Then God made everything. 

(Enter Trees)

He made trees, including two special ones. One was the Tree of Life. The Tree of Life shimmered in the wind.  

The other was the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  The tree stroked its chin in a knowing and mischievous way. 

(Enter animals.  Narrator does not tell animals what kind they are!)

Then God made animals.  Each animal behaved according to its unique characteristics.

Then God took some dust and moulded it into something. Then he breathed into it.

(Enter Adam lying where the dust thing was). The dust came alive and was a man!  Adam jumped to his feet.

God said, "Adam, you da man."

Adam flexed and demonstrated his rizz. 

But none of the animals seemed to notice. They all just walked around being their animal selves.  Adam named each of the animals, guessing what they were supposed to be. 

(Adam tries to guess each animal correctly. If he's wrong, the animal changes behaviour to match his guess.)

After naming all the animals, Adam said: "God, these animals are great and all, but I'm kind of lonely, you know?"

So God put Adam to sleep, removed one of his ribs, and carved a woman out of it.

(Enter Eve)

Eve flitted about flirtily, batting her eyes, shaking back her hair. Adam gawked, saying, "Wow. You are the most gorgeous creature on the planet."

Eve shyly said, "Oh, you."

Adam shrugged and said, "I mean, your closest competition was a giraffe, so..."

Then Adam flexed and showed his rizz.  Eve fanned herself and said, "Wow!  You are just stunning."

Adam said, "Darn tootin!"

Eve said, "I mean, compared to an orangutan"

But God said awkwardly, "Ok, that's enough. Guys, I made everything here for you! You can eat of any tree you want- except this one." With that, he pointed to the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. "If you eat from this one, you will die."

Adam and Eve looked frightened. Eve pointed at the Tree of Life. "What about this one?"

God smiled. "Yes, that's the tree of Life!  That's how you will stay alive, forever!  Just don't eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Ok?"

Adam and Eve shrugged. "Ok!"

(Exit God, animals)

So Adam and Eve held hands and skipped all over stage.

(Enter serpent)

One day a serpent came along and said to Eve. "Hey Eve, you should really try this fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. It is so good!"

Eve said, "Well, shucks, talking snake! We can't! God said we'll die."

The serpent said, "You won't die. You'll have knowledge of Good and Evil. Knowledge is good, right? Don't you want to have knowledge of Evil? I mean, God knows everything. Don't you want to know everything and be more like God?"

Eve thought about that for a minute and said: "Yes, I do want to!" So she tasted the fruit.  "Wow, this is delicious!"

Eve turned to Adam. "Adam, try this! It's so good!"

Adam said, "Isn't that the forbidden fruit?"

Eve smiled mischievously. "You don't know what you're missing."

So Adam ate the fruit. Then suddenly, both he and Eve noticed that they were naked!  They screamed and hid.

(Enter God)

God came into the garden and said: "Hey, where is everybody?"

Adam shyly came onto stage, and said: "We're hiding, because we're naked!"

God looked angry. "Who told you you were naked? Have you been eating the forbidden fruit?"

Adam said, "It's not my fault- it's the woman who gave it to me!"

Eve came out of hiding and said, "It's not my fault! The talking snake told me to!"

The talking snake didn't have a leg to stand on.

After noticing that most of the audience didn't get the narrator's joke, the narrator went on.

God said, "For disobeying me, now you're going to be kicked out of the garden."

(Enter angel)

An angel carrying a flaming sword came and stood guard in front of the Tree of Life. 

God said, "Now, you are cut off from the tree of life. Farming will be hard, giving birth will be painful, and everyone will always hate snakes. But some day a descendant of a woman will crush the head of the serpent."

The serpent looked scared and said, "Oh No!"

The audience members whispered to each other, "God means Jesus! Some day Jesus will come and defeat Satan!"

The narrator looked at the audience, and nodded approval at their insight.

Adam and Eve cried as they slunk off the stage. Then God shook his head sadly and left. Only the two trees and the angel were left.

The Tree of Life looked at the Tree of Knowledge and said, "Nice work, idiot."

The Tree of Knowledge said, "Ah!  A talking Tree!"

The End.

OLVC ad

Johnny, campers (4), counsellor, team member

(enter Johnny)

This is Johnny. Johnny is a camper at OLVC.

Johnny was asleep in his cabin one day when he heard the sound of the bell. (Audience provides the sound.)

Johny jumped out of bed, got dressed, and rushed outside.

(Enter campers and counsellor)

There, Johnny found the other campers he had befriended on day one. And the coolest counsellor, a high school student, came over and did the secret camp handshake with Johnny. 

The counsellor said, "Today is going to be so much fun!"  

And all the campers said "Oh yeah!" and gave each other high fives.

After doing morning exercises and prayer, it was time for breakfast.  Breakfast was pancakes and sausages.

After breakfast, the day was filled with activities. Johnny and his friends went swimming in the lake, canoing, played disc golf, and tried archery. During free time, they played Gaga Ball and 9 Square in the Air, or tag on the parks, or basketball, or soccer. 

Othertimes they would pray, or go to Mass. There was even confession. Sometimes during prayer, Johnny would see a bald eagle or hear the sound of a grouse. (Get audience to make a grouse sound)

But Johnny's favourite was the forest games. They played flag wars, where you had to run deep into enemy territory to find your opponent's flag before they caught you. Johnny was so fast, deking everybody out, even the counsellor, that he found the flag and ran it out, winning the game for his team!  The audience gave him a standing ovation.

In the evening, everybody gathered at the campfire pit.

(Enter team member)

A team member taught them goofy campfire songs, like Boom Chicka Boom and Blindman. Johnny loved how dark it got at OLVC. You could really see the stars. Sometimes a bat would even fly over! (Audience makes a bat sound).

When it was time to go home at the end of the week, Johnny was sad. But he shook hands with his friends and said, "See you again next year!"

 

Fr Rajesh

 Raj, brothers (2), sister, elephant, tiger, monkeys (2), Indian people, Bishop, moose, loon, Canadian people, Peter

There once was a boy named Raj.  Raj waved at the audience. 

(Enter brothers and sister)

Raj lived with his 2 brothers and 1 sister. They all loved eating a spicy indian dish called Biryani. Sometimes they fought, and sometimes they hugged. They hugged and hugged. It got very awkward.

But when he was only in grade 10, he decided to become a priest, so he joined the seminary.

(Exit brothers and sister)

Raj lived in India, where there were 

(Enter elephant)

elephants that trumpeted

(Enter tiger) 

Tigers that roared

(Enter Monkeys)

And monkeys that hopped about and screeched

(Enter Indian people)

And Indian people who honked their horns all day and night.

The elephant, the tiger, the monkeys and the people all made their noise, while Raj raised his hands and said, "I want to have a quiet life!"

All the animals and people fell silent and humbly apologized before leaving the stage.

(Exit animals and people, enter Bishop)

A Bishop ordained Raj as a priest, and he became known as Fr Raj. The Bishop said, "Fr Raj, would you like to move to Canada?" 

Fr Raj shrugged and said, Do they speak English?"

The Bishop said "yes."

"Do they have cricket?"  Then he mimed a cricket move.

The bishop shook his head sadly, but said "Kind of. They call it Hockey."

Fr Raj said "Good enough." 

So Fr Raj spread his arms like airplane wings, and flew to Canada.

(Exit Bishop)

Canada was way colder than India!  Fr Raj shivered, but with a big smile, he said, "This will be my new home!"

(Enter moose)

Suddenly, a lanky moose walked onto the stage. The audience declared, "It's a friggen moose!"

The moose bellowed.

(Enter Loon) 

Then a loon flapped over and landed in the pond, making loon sounds.

(Enter Canadian people) 

Canadian people stumbled around, saying "Sorry, eh?" to each other, and pointing out the moose.

Fr Raj shook his head, saying, "Well, it's still quieter than India!"

(exit animals, people, Enter Peter)

Then he met a man named Peter.  The audience gave Peter a standing ovation. Eventually, they sat down again and listened to the skit. Peter was smart, funny, talented and extremely good-looking.

Fr Raj said, "And humble too!" Everyone nodded enthusiastically.

Peter said, "Can we have a youth group at your church?"

Fr Raj said, "Sure! As you know, I live in the same building!"

Peter smiled mischievously. He said, "That's OK- we'll be quiet."

The audience laughed.

That night, the whole youth group counted down to seven O'Clock, before yelling "Happy New year!"

Fr Raj discreetly snuck out and played pickleball with his friends.

Other nights, Fr Raj would play Ultimate Frisbee with Peter and the youth.

(Exit Peter)

Fr Raj was a great preacher and pastor, and he loved being a priest.  But one day he died. No one knows how or when. The audience cried.

Fr Raj- Pray for us!

Peter Claver

Peter, Bull fighter. bull,  slave trader, slaves (3), Pope Paul III, Pope Urban VIII, Alonso, horse, slave owner

Peter Claver was born in Spain in 1580. 

(Enter bull, bull fighter)

He lived near Barcelona, where bullfighters would wave red capes and dodge angry bulls. The audience yelled "Olé!"

(Exit bull, bullfighter, enter Alphonsus)

Peter studied to be a priest. He was known for his intelligence and piety.  One day his friend Alphonsus came to him and said "Peter, I'm a prophet. God told me that you should go to New Spain and work in the colonies there." New Spain was what they called Latin america back then.

Peter shrugged and said "Ok!"  Then he sailed off to Columbia.

(Exit Alphonsus, enter slave trader, slaves)

But when Peter got there, he was shocked by what he saw!  Slave traders were bringing slaves from Africa to work in New Spain!  The slaves were made to dig up silver in the mines.

(Enter Pope Paul III and Pope Urban VIII).

Pope Paul III said "I condemn the slave trade!"

Pope Urban VIII said "Me too! In fact, I prohibit it!"

But the slave trader rubbed his hands together, saying "Are you kidding?  It makes so much money!  If I buy a slave for $2000 in Africa, I can sell him in the new world for $100,000!"

One of the slaves said. "Yeah, but you treat us like objects!"

Another said "The living conditions are terrible!"

A third said "And about 30% of us die when you take us across the ocean!"

The slave trader said "Oh well, the cost of doing business!"  Then turning to the popes, the slave trader said in a stage whisper "Also, you guys are both dead, so get off the stage"

The two Popes said "awww" and left with their heads down.

(Exit Popes, enter Alonso)

But a man named Alonso said "Peter, you can help me in my work! I can't stop the slave trade, so I go to the places where the slaves live! I make sure they are treated well."

Peter said "I'd rather go to the warf, and work with the slaves as they arrive! Get me a horse!"

(Enter horse)

When the audience saw the horse, they all said in unison "Peter, the horse is here!"

Alonso said "Why do you need a horse?  The warf is right there!"

Peter said "I don't need a horse, I just wanted everyone to say it."

The horse stamped her foot, winnied in disgust, and pranced away with her head in the air.

(Exit horse, Alonso, slave trader)

Peter would go to the ships as they arrived, full of slaves. Peter said "I am in the service of God- I too am a slave!"

One of the slaves said "We were told that when we got here, people would eat us!"

Peter said "No. But they will force you to work. I'm here to take care of you."

Peter would baptize many of the slaves.

(Enter slave owner)

Then Peter would say to the slave owners. "Now your slaves are Christians! You are required by law to treat them well and give them their civic rights."

Angrily, the slave owner shook his fist and growled.

One day Peter died. The slaves all cried. Even the slave owner said "This was a great man, who knew what it was to be a saint."

St Peter Claver- Pray for us!

Priscilla

  Priscilla, Aquila (male), Peter, Jews, Paul, Apollos, Claudius (male), Romans, Nero

Disclaimer- Priscilla is a minor character in the book of Acts and mentioned in Paul's letters. Not much is really known about her, 

(Enter Priscilla, Aquila)

There once was a woman named Priscilla. She was married to a man named Aquila. They were very much in love. They lived in Rome, and enjoyed walking along the Tiber river, watching the birds. Priscilla sighed, and lay her head on Aquila's shoulder, saying "Aquila, I am just so happy!"  Together, Priscilla and Aquila made tents for a living. It was an intense relationship.

The audience laughed at the narrator's joke. But some audience members didn't laugh, so the kids around them explained the joke to them.

(Enter Jews)

They were Jewish, and met with other Jews in Rome in a synagogue. Together they would recite a quote called the Shema. "Hear, oh Israel, the Lord your God is one God."

(Enter Peter)

One day a man named Peter arrived from Jerusalem. Peter said "Great news everyone!  The Messiah has come to Jerusalem!"

The Jews all celebrated the good news.

Peter said "He was a man named Jesus, and the Sadducees and the Romans realized he was a threat, so they had him crucified. But he rose from the dead, and then went to Heaven, and he's ruling as king there!"

One of the Jews said sarcastically "They killed him? Some Messiah!"

But Peter said "He really is the Messiah! Turns out, he was God"

Priscilla was shocked. "God? Like God God?"

The Jews said adamantly. "There is only one God!"

Peter said "Yes, that's true, but it turns out that one God is three persons. It's pretty complicated."

But the Jews said "Jesus was not God!"

Peter said "Was so!"

The Jews said "Was not!"

Peter, Priscilla and Aquila said "Was so!" 

(Enter Claudius)

The two groups continued saying "Not!" and "So!" until Claudius the emperor finally shouted "That's enough! You Jews and your bickering are nothing but trouble! Get out of Rome!

So all the Jews and the Christians, including Priscilla, Aquilla, and Peter, left Rome.

(Exit all but Claudius, Enter Nero)

Nero approached Claudius and said "Good work dad! You're such a great emperor. Here is a plate of mushrooms that Mom fried up for you!"

Claudius said "Thank you son!" He tasted the mushrooms, and then said "Wait! These are poisonous mushrooms!" Then Claudius spasmed and foamed at the mouth and fell down dead. 

(Exit Claudius)

Nero pretended to be shocked. He said "Oh darn! Now I guess I'm the emperor. I sure hope my Mom and wife don't also die by some kind of unfortunate accident." Then he rubbed his hands together menacingly and laughed like a maniac.

(Exit Nero, enter Priscilla, Aquilla and Peter)

The Christians crept back onto stage. 

Aquila said "Can Jews come back to Rome now?"

Peter shrugged, and said "Claudius is dead! What could go wrong now!"

(Enter Paul)

Eventually, Paul came to Rome. He shook hands with Aquila and Priscilla, and said "You're tentmakers? I'm a tentmaker! We should all travel together!"

Aquila said "I guess that's what you call a tent-ative agreement!"

The audience laughed, except the ones who didn't get it. The narrator looked at them with disdain, then continued the story.

(Enter Apollo)

One day a Christian named Apollo was teaching about Jesus. 

Paul said "No, that's not quite right. I'll have Priscilla explain it to you."

Apollo was offended. "You would have a woman teach a man?"

Priscilla just smiled and said "It's Ok, little guy. I'll explain."

(Enter Romans)

One day a fire broke out in Rome!  Everyone on stage ran around yelling "Fire! Fire!"

Eventually the fire went out. Priscilla cried "Now what will we do?" Aquila hugged her to console her.

(Enter Nero)

Nero swaggered in, saying "Don't worry, guys, I got this. So 70% of our city has burned to the ground. No big deal! We'll rebuild it better! In fact, I'm going to build a massive palace for myself, with a private lake, and a giant naked statue of myself!"

The Romans looked shocked. One said "But everybody is homeless now!"

Another Roman said "I think Nero burned the city on purpose for an excuse to build his mansion!"

Nero faked that he was offended. "No! I didn't burn the city! It was the Christians!"

The Christians all cried out "What?"

But the Romans said "Kill them!"

So they captured Peter, and crucified him upside down.

(Exit Peter)

Then they captured Paul, and chopped his head off.

(Exit Paul)

Apollos, Priscilla and Aquila all ran off and hid.

(Exit Romans, Nero)

Priscilla and Aquila and Apollos all met together in the Catacombes, tunnels under the city of Rome.

Apollos said "It's too dangerous for us to be seen together. Let's meet in these tunnels where we can bury the dead and celebrate Mass in secret."

Aquila shook his head, saying "I don't know if the church in Rome can survive!"

But Priscilla drew an anchor on the wall of the catacombs, and said "Jesus is our hope. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”

The Church in Rome did survive, and today 2000 years later the Bishop of Rome remains the leader of the Church.

St Priscilla- pray for us!

St Damien of Molokai

Damien, Superior, Hawaiian Girl, Bishop. nice lepers (3), mean lepers (3), pig

(Enter Damien)

Damien was a Belgian priest.  As a Belgian, Damien said "I love waffles, chocolate, and beer!"

(Enter superior)

One day the superior in his order said "Damien, I want you to be a missionary in Hawaii."

Damien was very excited. He did a little dance. But he said "Hawaii? Do they have waffles, chocolate and beer?"

The superior winced and said "They're better known for their coconuts, pineapples and Mai Tai." 

Damien looked confused. He asked "What's Mai Tai?"

The superior shrugged and said "I have no idea. It's just in the script."

(Exit superior, enter Hawaiian girl)

When Damien arrived in Hawaii, he was greeted by an extremely attractive Hawaiian girl. She danced up to him, waving her hands and swiveling her hips as she did that Hula. She placed a garland of flowers around his neck. Damien blushed, and said "Wow, I think I'm going to like it here!"

The Hawaiian girl giggled, and Hula'd her way off the stage. 

(Exit Hawaiian girl, enter Bishop)

The Bishop greeted Damien and said "Welcome to Oahu!"

Damien looked around alarmed. "Oahu! Oh no, I thought this was Hawaii!"

The bishop said "Oahu is one of the many Islands of Hawaii, the others are Maui, Molokai..."

Damien grinned and said "I hope to see them all."

The Bishop shook his head. "Well, you won't be going to Molokai."

Damien asked "Why not?"

The Bishop said "It's the home of the lepers."

Damien got excited. He said "Cool! I've never seen a leopard! I saw a tiger once, but never a spotted cat."

The Bishop frowned and said. "Not leopards. Lepers. They have different spots. They live alone on the Island of Molokai so that no one else will catch their disease."

Damien looked concerned, and said "Do they have a priest?"

The Bishop shook his head and said "No- no one can go there. They'll get sick."

Damien put up his hand and said "I'll go!"

The bishop said "Damien, that's very generous. But these people are sick, both physically and spiritually. No one can reach them."

But Damien insisted, saying "Please send me."

(Exit Bishop, Enter Lepers)

When Damien got to Molokai, the lepers approached him like zombies.  Their skin was rotting, they smelled bad, and they groaned as they crept towards him.

But Damien was not afraid. He said "Hey guys, I'm here to help you build up your community!"

One of the lepers said "Why would you help us? We're dying, nobody cares about us."

Damien put his hand on the lepers shoulder and said "God does."

So Damien helped the lepers fix up their houses, and made coffins so that if someone died they could be buried in dignity. One of the nice lepers said "That guy can fix anything!"

But some of the mean lepers said "Who is he to come here and tell us how to live? Let's trash his house!"

(Enter pig)

So when Damien wasn't looking, they grabbed the ugliest, stinkiest pig they could find, and released it in Damien's house.  The pig squealed and snorted and ran around the house, getting mud and poop on everything. 

When Damien saw it, he yelled, and he grabbed the pig, and he cooked it. Then he invited all the lepers, including the mean ones, to share in his meal.

(Exit pig)

Damien treated the lepers with dignity, even when other people treated them with discuss. And he did not judge them. Soon even the mean lepers grew to appreciate him. But one day, Damien realized he himself had leprosy. 

Damien could no longer leave the Island, and he would get sicker and sicker.

(Enter Bishop)

When the Bishop came by on a ship, he would not come ashore. So Damien shouted his confession to the Bishop over the water. 

Damien shouted "Forgive me father for I have sinned!"

The bishop shouted back "I absolve you!"

(Exit bishop)

Damien died of leprosy when he was only 49 years old.

St Damien of Molokai- Pray for us! 

Pope Leo XIV

  Pope Leo XIV, mom, dad, brothers (Louis, John,) Bishop, poor (2), Guerillas (2), soldiers (2), llama, Pope Francis

Enter Pope, mom, dad, brothers

Pope Leo's birth name was Robert Prevost.  He grew up in Chicago, with his mom, Mildred, his dad Louis, and his two brothers, Louis and John.

Living in Chicago in the 60's, Roberts family loved baseball, and their favorite team was the Chicago White Sox was their favorite team. The family watched the games together, and cheered when the White Sox did well. The White Sox were one of the best teams in the Major Leagues... but the New York Yankees were better.

His Dad, Louis, yelled at the narrator, saying, "Hey!  Don't let my boys hear you saying that!"  Dad pointed a warning finger at the narrator.

The narrator nervously went on reading the script.

Robert also played tennis.  And from the time he was little, he and his brothers would play Mass, pretending to offer the host on the altar. Mom pinched his cheeks and said, "I always knew he'd become a priest."  

(Exit Family)

Robert was also very smart. In university, he got a degree in Math and Science, (the audience applauded politely) and then a Masters in Divinity (The audience applauded more), and then a degree in Canon Law. (The audience grew enthusiastic and applauded, saying "Wow!")

But Robert was modest, and he said, "Oh, stop. I can almost feel my brain flexing!"

Then he said to the audience, "I also taught high school Math and Physics! Anyone want a free lesson? Anyone?"

Everyone in the audience avoided making eye contact. Someone coughed awkwardly.

Disappointed, Robert sighed and said "It's not easy being a math teacher. We have too many problems. If you ask me, without geometry, life is pointless. But I'm over it- like a numerator."

Only the nerdy kids laughed.

(Enter Bishop)

One day a Bishop laid his hands on Robert, and ordained him a priest.  Now Robert could do Mass for real!

(Exit Bishop, enter poor, soldiers, guerillas)

Fr Robert went to Peru to work with the poor.  Peru was violent in those days. Soldiers shot at guerillas, who threw bombs, and yelled "We are the shining path!" The soldiers and the guerillas were all mean to the poor, who huddled near Fr Robert. Fr Robert hugged and consoled them. 

(Exit poor, soldiers and guerillas. Enter llama.)

Fr Robert found a llama, and climbed a mountain with it. The llama spat and said "Yay! I'm a llama again!"

Fr Robert said "Quiet down Cusco. You're not supposed to talk in this story."

When he got to the top of the mountain, Fr Robert saw the famous Machu Pichu. He took a selfie with his llama, flexing for the camera.

The girls in the audience said "Wow Fr Robert! You looks so Machu in that Pichu!"

Fr Robert blushed and said "Ok, girls, I'm a priest you know."

(Exit llama, enter Pope Francis)

One day Fr Robert met Pope Francis. Pope Francis said "You're such a great priest! You should be a bishop!"

Then later Pope Francis said "You should be a cardinal!"

Then a while later Pope Francis said "You should be the guy in charge of appointing other bishops!"

Cardinal Robert pumped his fist, and said to the audience "Ok, I'm going to need some new bishops!"

Then cardinal Robert chose three people from the audience to be bishops and come up on stage.

Then he thought about it some more, and he pointed at one of his bishops and said "Actually, no, go sit down." Then he picked a replacement bishop.

Then Pope Francis died.

(Exit Francis)

Cardinal Robert and the other Bishops (Cardinals) got together in a huddle called a conclave. After a short time, the bishops turned to the audience and declared "Habemus Papam!"

The crowd cheered!  several members of the audience said "That's Latin for 'we have a Pope'!"

Cardinal Robert said "Call me Leo XIV (Fourteen). I choose the name Leo because Leo XIII (thirteen) emphasized the rights of workers and of the poor and I want to further that legacy."

Pope Leo XIV was formally installed as Pope on May 18, 2025

Carlo Acutis

 Carlo, mom, dad, brother, sister, friends, doctor

(Enter Carlo, mom, dad, doctor)

Carlo was born in London in 1991. The doctor carried Carlo to his mother, and placed him in her lap, saying in his British accent "Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Acutis!  You have a beautiful baby boy!"

His mother looked lovingly into his eyes, then threw him over her shoulder to try to burp him. His father said "Mama Mia!"

But Carlo said "No, Mama Mia."  He emphasized the word Mia, because the phrase Mama Mia means my mother in Italian. The narrator explained this to everybody, because the narrator was afraid that otherwise people might not get the joke. An awkward silence ensued.

(Exit doctor, enter brother and sister)

Carlo and his family returned to Milan, Italy, where they had two more kids, twins, a boy and a girl.

Carlo hugged his siblings, saying "I've been praying for you since before you were born!"

His siblings said "Um, thanks," and gave him a thumbs up.

Carlo and his family enjoyed watching movies together. By the time he was a teenager, Carlo's favorite movie was Disney's "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe."  Carlo cheered!  Then he explained to the audience "You see, I love watching movies, but I only want to watch ones that are good for my soul. The Lion in Narnia represents Jesus, and how he defeated evil by dying for us."

Everyone in the audience nodded, and said in unison "What a great policy Carlo! We too will only watch movies that are uplifting to us, both emotionally and spiritually!"

Peter was delighted, because he believed they really meant it.

(Exit family, enter friends)

Milan was a city known for fashion, finance, art, and above all- soccer. But they called it 'football'.

Carlo played soccer with his friends. He passed the ball to one of his friends, and his friend tried to kick a goal but missed. His other friends made fun of him, saying 'loser!'.

But Carlo just said "Hey good try, don't sweat it!"

After the game, Carlo said "hey guys, you wanna come over? I got the new Fifa game on playstation!"

His friends said "yeah, let's go!"

But Carlo said "But we can only play for an hour!  Then I'm gonna go to Mass."

His friends said "Mass? It's Wednesday!"

Carlo said "Yeah, I try to go everyday! And pray my rosary."

His friends said "You're a saint!"

Carlo said "Maybe, but I'm still gonna destroy you on play station."

(Exit friends, enter mom)

One evening, Carlo's mom found him working on his computer. She said "Carlo, what are you working on?"

Carlo explained "I'm building a website about Eucharistic miracles."

Mom laughed. "What do you mean?"

Carlo smiled. "In Argentina a few years ago a priest scientifically tested a bleeding host and discovered that it was human flesh. Miracles like that prove that Jesus is in the Eucharist!"

His mom was flabbergasted. She said "You know, Carlo, I don't have nearly as much faith as you do. But you have really inspired me to want to come closer to Jesus."

(Enter father and Doctor)

Soon afterwards, Carlo started getting very sick. The doctor who examined him said, in a ridiculous Italian accent.  "Your son-a, he has- a Leukemia. It is very advanced-a!  He is going to die!"

His parents were shocked!  His father said "Son, does it hurt much?"

Carlo wheezed, and said "Yes, but I offer all the suffering I will have to suffer for the Lord, for the Pope, and the Church.” 

Mom cried. "But Carlo, you're going to die!"

Carlo smiled. “I’m happy to die because I’ve lived my life without wasting even a minute on things that don’t please God.”

Then he died.  Carlo died at only 15 years old, in 2006. 

Carlo Acutis was to be canonized- officially declared a saint after performing two miracles after death- on April 27, 2025. However due to Pope Francis' death, his canonization has been postponed. His website is still maintained and has been translated into more than 18 languages!

Carlo Acutis- Pray for us!

Jezebel

 Jezebel

This is a bible story- not a saint story!

Jezebel, Ahab, Prophets of Ba-al (3) , Elijah, Jehu, Horses (2), Dogs(2), servants(2), Naboth, scum bags (2), Phoenicians

(Enter Jezebel, Phoenicians)

There once was a woman named Jezebel. Jezebel was a Phoenician.  Phoenicians invented the alphabet!  So Jezebel and the Phoenicians spent their days, singing the alphabet. They also invented purple die. Jezebel and the Phoenicians would go to the sea, find a particular sea snail, and squeeze the mucus out of it to die their clothes.

(Enter Ahab)

One day, Ahab came to town. Ahab was the king of Israel, and Jezebel knew that if she impressed him she could get a lot of power. So she said to the Phoenicians "Quick, get me a snail!"

The Phoenicians brought her a snail. and she squeezed it's mucus out, and rubbed it on her eyes.  Then she approached Ahab, and batted her beautiful painted eyes, and said "Hey there big boy. Are you looking for a lover? Because I'm available!"

Ahab could not believe his luck!  Even though he was the king, he was a weak man. So he said "Yes, my love. You will be my queen."

Jezebel cackled like a witch.

(Exit Phoenicians.)

But Jezebel said "listen, Ahab, Phoenicians don't worship the LORD. We worship Ba-al. Let me bring my prophets of Ba-al."

Ahab said "Yes, my love."

(Enter prophets of Ba-al)

The prophets of Ba-al came, and they danced around in circles, singing pagan songs of praise to Ba'al.

(Enter Elijah)

Elijah said "Ba-al is a false god with no power!"

The prophets of Ba-al said "Oh no you didn't! Ba-al has way more power than your God!"

So they decided to have a show down.

The prophets of Ba-al danced with more and more enthusiasm, calling for fire to come, but nothing happened.

Elijah laughed and said "C'mon prophets! Dance harder! Maybe he can't hear you! Maybe he's sleeping! Maybe he's on the toilet!"

The prophets of Ba-al said "Fine Elijah, show us what your God can do."

Elijah grinned. He said "Lord! Reveal your power!"

Suddenly a fire ball came down from heaven! The audience provided the sound affects.

The prophets of Ba-al trembled with fear, and Ahab said "Kill those false prophets!" 

So audience threw rocks at them until they died.

(Exit prophets of Ba-al)

But Jezebel said "What have you done!" Pointing a finger at Elijah she said "I'll get you, my pretty- and your little dog too!" Then she cackled like a witch, while Elijah ran away.

(Exit Elijah, Enter Naboth)

Some time later, Ahab was talking to a man called Naboth.  Ahab said "you have a nice vineyard. Can I buy it from you?"

But Naboth said "Sorry, it's not for sale."

(Exit Naboth)

Ahab was pouting because he couldn't get the vineyard. 

Jezebel looked at him in disgust and said "Are you the king or not? I'll get you that vineyard."

So she called for the scumbags.

(Enter scumbags)

Jezebel said "Here's what I want you to do." Then she whispered something, and then cackled like a witch.

The Scumbags rubbed their hands together and cackled as well.

(Exit Jezebel, enter Naboth) 

So the scumbags brought Naboth before the audience, and said "This man committed treason against the king and cursed the LORD!"

Naboth looked bewildered and said "No I didn't!"

But the audience booed, and threw rocks at him until he was dead. 

(Exit scumbags, Naboth, enter Jezebel and Ahab.)

Jezebel said "See, now you can have your vineyard!"

Ahab was so excited, he did a dance, while Jezebel cackled like a witch.

Then Ahab died.

(Exit Ahab, enter Jehu)

Jehu said "I have come to bring justice on the house of Ahab!  I will kill everyone in his family!"

The audience cheered. Someone said "Wow, the Bible is so violent!"

Jezebel screamed, and ran to a castle to protect herself. She painted her eyes again, and looked out the window at Jehu and said in her most attractive voice "Hey there king slayer! Are you looking for me?"

But Jehu said "If anyone is on my side, throw her down!"

(Enter servants)

Two servants grabbed Jezebel, and threw her out the window. She screamed and fell to her death.

(Enter horses and dogs)

While her body was lying there, horses trampled on her, and Dogs came and ate her body.

Jehu became the next king of Israel.

Athaliah

 Athaliah (G), Jezebel (G) , Ahab (B), Joram (B), Ahaziah (B), Elijah (B), Elisha (B), new kings (2B), Jehu (B), rest of the family (3), servants (3), dogs (2), Joash (B), Jehosheba (G), priest

(Enter Athaliah)

Once upon a time, there was a princess, named Athaliah. Athaliah flitted about like a delicate princess and sang a song to the passing birds.

(Enter Ahab, Jezebel, and Ahaziah)

Her father, Ahab, was the king of Samaria. He was a weak and sniveling man, who said to everyone "Whatever you want, dear."

Jezebel was a very beautiful and powerful Phoenician woman. She traipsed around in her lovely, purple robes, and she wore jewels, and lots and lots of makeup.  But she was evil. She said "Everyone must worship Baal! Kill the prophets of God!"  Then she cackled like a witch.

Seeing her mother cackle, Athaliah imitated her, and cackled herself.

(Enter Elijah and Elisha) One day two prophets confronted the royal family.  Elijah said, "God will punish you for your evil ways!"

Elisha shook his fist and said "Yeah!  What he said!"

Suddenly Elijah was taken away in a whirlwind. (Exit Elijah)

Seeing that his friend was gone, Elisha looked sheepish and said "Um, excuse me." and snuck away.

(Exit Elisha, Enter Joram)

King Ahab said "Athaliah, I have a husband for you!  This is King Joram of Jerusalem!"

Joram flexed and tried to impress the princess, but when he looked at her, he was amazed and how beautiful she was. He stared at her, and said "you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!  How my lips long to kiss yours!"

But Athaliah moved away from him, and looked at Jezebel and said "Mom, seriously?"

But Jezebel said "Marry him! Then I'll be queen of Samaria, and you'll be queen of Jerusalem!  We'll be unstoppable!"

The two women cackled together.

King Ahab said "Wonderful! It's all arranged then."

To celebrate their union, Athaliah and Joram danced a traditional wedding dance together.

But it was not all sunshine and rainbows. Elijah's curse started taking affect!

First Ahab went to war, doing his weak man battle cry.  He was shot in the back with an arrow and bled to death in his chariot.

(Exit Ahab)

Then, Athaliah's brother Ahaziah fell from a roof, and died of his injuries.

(Exit Ahaziah)

Then her husband, Joram, got some sort of bowel disease. He pooped and pooped and pooped until he was all pooped out. He pooped himself to death.

  (Exit Joram. Enter new kings, Jehu, rest of the family)

Samaria and Jerusalem both appointed new kings, and everyone started chanting 'Love live the kings!'

(Enter Elisha) But Elisha came back.  He went over to Jehu, whispered something, and gave him a blessing.  Jehu went on a rampage!  First, he killed one king, then another. The rest of the family ran off and hid.

(Exit everyone but Jezebel. Enter servants)

Jezebel made it to a city, and went up into a high tower, protected by her servants. 

(Enter Jehu) Jehu came ride in on his chariot, driving like a maniac. 

Jezebel put on her eye makeup, made herself look beautiful, and looked out the window. She said "Hey there big boy! Are you looking for me?"

But Jehu called to the servants and said "Hey!  Which of you are on my side?"

All three servants raised their hands. 

Jehu said, "Throw that woman out the window!"

So, the servants did. Jezebel fell to her death. 

The smartest kid in the audience said, "it's a classic example of defenestration".

(Enter dogs)

Dogs came in and ate Jezebels body, everything but the hands.

Jehu flexed and said, "Now I'm the king of Samaria!"

(Exit everyone, enter Athaliah, Rest of family, Joash and Jehosheba)

But the rest of the family all shrugged and said, "But who will be king of Jerusalem?"

Athaliah cackled and said "I will be Queen!  I'll kill you all!"

The rest of the family gasped and said, "But you're our grandma!"

Meanwhile, Jehosheba picked up baby Joash, and carried him away. 

(Exit Jehosheba and Joash)

Queen Athaliah killed the rest of the family, then said "I am Queen of Jerusalem!"

The audience gasped.

Athaliah cackled and was an evil queen.

(Exit Athaliah, enter priest and Joash.)

Six years later, a priest introduced Joash to the audience. The priest said, "This child is the true king of Jerusalem!"

The crowd cheered, and started chanting "Long live the king!"

(Enter Athaliah) But when Athaliah heard the commotion, she came into the temple and said "What is this! This is treason!"

(Enter servants)

But the priest pointed at Athaliah and said, "Arrest this usurper!"

The servants grabbed Athaliah, and dragged her out of the temple, and chopped her head off.

Joash became king and was an ancestor of Jesus.

 

St Tarcisius

 Tarcisius, friends (3), Pope Sixtus II, Lawrence, Christians, mob (3), Valerian

(Enter Tarcisius, friends)

In about 257 AD, a 12 year old kid named Tarcisius was playing a game with friends, that consisted in throwing a leather ball stuffed with feathers around.

The kids were all laughing and having a good time, when suddenly they were interrupted by the emperor Valerian. 

(Enter Valerian)

Valerian addressed the audience directly, and said "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears!  Henceforth, I declare Christianity to be illegal!  Anyone who refuses to offer sacrifices to Jupiter or Mars will be banished.  No... executed!  Mwahahaha!"

(Exit Valerian)

Tarcisius looked frightened.  

His friends looked at him and said "Wait, aren't you a Christian? What will you do?"

Tarcisius said "I don't know."

(Exit friends, enter Pope Sixtus, Lawrence, and Christians.)

Later Tarcisius met with the other Christians in the Catacombs.  Pope Sixtus II led them in Mass. He had his back turned to them, and he held up unleavened bread and said "On the night he was betrayed, Jesus took the bread and said 'This is my Body'.

Tarcisius and the Christians knelt in worship.

After Mass, Pope Sixtus II turned to the Christians and said "My brothers and sisters, thank you for meeting with me in these tombs. As you know it is very dangerous to be a Christian these days, and even more dangerous to come to the Eucharist. But you risked your lives for this!"

Tarcisius and the others all nodded. 

Then Pope Sixtus II gave the cup to Lawrence and said "Lawrence, get this cup as far from Rome as possible. It is the Holy Grail, the one used by Jesus at the Last Supper.  It has been passed down from Peter to Linus and to all the Popes."

Lawrence said "Did you say Holy Grill?"

Pope Sixtus II said "Not Grill, Grail. It means cup."

Lawrence grinned. "Too bad, I thought we were going to have a barbecue!"

Everybody laughed, and Pope Sixtus said "Oh, Lawrence always the comedian."  Then he grew stern and said "Now, go!"

Lawrence nodded, took the cup, and rode away to Spain.

(Exit Lawrence)

Pope Sixtus sighed. "I wish I had another deacon, who could bring communion to all the Christians in prison..."

Tarcisius spoke up "I'll do it!"

Pope Sixtus smiled, but said "The risk is too great!  If you get caught.."

But Tarcisius said "The treasure of the Eucharist is far more valuable than the cup which held it. I'll protect it with my life!"

So Pope Sixtus gave the Eucharist to Tarcisius to bring to the prisons. Tarcisius took the vessel and wrapped in in his robes, holding it close to his heart.

(Exit Pope Sixtus and Christians, enter friends)

But when Tarcisius was walking, he saw his friends. His friends said "Hey Tarcisius, come play ball with us!"

But Tarcisius said "Not right now, I have to do something."

One of his friends said "What are you holding?"

Tarcisius didn't answer.

Another friend said "Is that one of your Christian treasures?"

(Enter Mob)

Soon a Mob gathered saying "Show us the treasure!"

But Tarcisius said "What I am carrying is sacred, and I will not show it to you!"

The Mob and friends surrounded Tarcisius, and yelled "Give it to us!"  Their yelling sounded like angry dogs.

Tarcisius said "No!  I must protect it from raging dogs!"

So the mob and friends started beating Tarcisius.  Tarcisius fell to the ground, but would not let go of the Eucharist.

(Enter Christians)

When Christians saw what was happening, they chased the friends and the mob away. 

(Exit friends and mob)

Tarcisius was still alive, and was still holding the Eucharist. The Christians picked up his body, and carried it back to the Catacombs, but along the way Tarcisius died.

Saint Tarcisius-  Pray for us!

St Mark

 Mark, Rhoda, Barnabas, disciples (2), Peter, Jesus, Soldiers (3), Holy Spirit

(Enter Mark, Rhoda)

Mark was a young man who lived with his mom in a large house in Jerusalem. One day his servant, Rhoda, came in and said "John-Mark, your cousin is here!"

Mark smiled and said "Thank you Rhoda, let him in.  And please just call me Mark!"

(Enter Barnabas)

Barnabas walked into the room and greeted Mark with a big bear hug.  After catching his breath, Mark said "What brings you to Jerusalem?"

Barnabas said  "Passover, of course!  And the master is coming!"

Mark was excited. "You mean Jesus?  I hope I get to meet him!"

(Exit Barnabas, enter Peter and the disciples and Jesus)

Sometime later Peter and the disciples came to Mark and said "Where is there a room where the master can celebrate Passover?"

Mark said "The master?" Then he looked past the disciples at Jesus who gave him a wave.  Mark turned excitedly to Rhoda. "Oh my gosh it's Jesus!"

And Rhoda and Mark each did excited little fan girl dances.

Mark said to Peter and the disciples "We have a place!  My servant will get it ready"

So Mark showed Jesus and Peter and the disciples into a big room, all set up for Passover.  While Jesus was at the table with his disciples, Mark and Rhoda watched from a corner, and whispered excitedly.

Jesus lifted up the bread, and said "This is my body. Take it and eat it!"

Rhoda made a face and said "That's weird."

Jesus lifted up the cup and said "This is the cup of my blood. Take it and drink it."

Rhoda looked confused. "Wasn't it wine just now?  I'm pretty sure when I set the table it was not a cup of human blood."

Jesus stood up and said "Let's go to the garden of olives!"

So Peter and the disciples stood up, and they all left, singing as they went.

Mark was surprised. "They're leaving?"

Rhoda said "Follow them!"

(Exit Rhoda)

When Mark got to the garden, he found Jesus praying and Peter and the disciples sleeping. 

Suddenly soldiers walked in and announced "Jesus of Nazareth, you're under arrest!"

Peter and the disciples ran away,  (exit Peter and Disciples) while Mark tried to figure out what to do. One of the soldiers saw Mark and said "Grab that guy!"

Another soldier got hold of Mark's tunic, but Mark squirmed out of his tunic, and ran away naked. 

(Clear the stage, enter Mark, Peter, Disciples)

Later, Mark, Peter and the Disciples were all in Mark's house.  

Peter shook his head. "They crucified him! He's dead!"

(Enter Jesus)

But Jesus walked in and said "I'm alive!"

Mark, Peter, and the Disciples all sang "Alleluia".

Then Jesus flew up to Heaven

(Exit Jesus, enter Holy Spirit)

Then the Holy Spirit came and rested on each of the disciples like a flame.

(Exit Holy Spirit)

Peter started speaking a weird language.  Then he yawned, stretched and said "Well, I'm gonna go preach in the temple."

But Mark said "I thought the priests forbade you from doing that?"

Peter shrugged and said "They did, but who should I obey, God or humans?"

So Peter and the Disciples left to preach in the temple.

(Exit Peter and disciples, enter Rhoda. Disciples return)

But when the disciples returned they said "Peter was arrested! They're going to put him to death in the morning!"

Rhoda wailed.

Mark said "Let's pray."

While they were praying, they heard a knock at the door. 

Rhoda stood up and said "Now who could that be at this time of night?"  She left to find out. Suddenly she screamed and came running back in. "It's a ghost! They must have killed Peter already, his ghost is here!"

(Enter Peter)

But Peter walked in and said "I'm not a ghost! An angel came to me in prison and broke me out of jail!"

Rhoda was still shuddering, but she said "Oh that's fine then!" and she gave Peter a big hug.

Peter looked at Mark and said "Mark, I think you should be a traveling missionary.  Maybe you'd like to go with Paul and Barnabas?"

But Mark shook his head. "I'd rather stay with you."

Peter nodded, and said "In that case, why don't you be my scribe, and I'll tell the whole story of Jesus from my perspective and you can write it down!"

So that's what Mark did, and his book became known all over the world as the Gospel of Mark.

St Mark-  Pray for us!

James the Just

Disclaimer

A lot of this is a speculative compilation based on what we know from Scripture and other sources. Chances are it is not 100% accurate 

 Jesus, James, cousins (3), Joseph, Cleopas, Mary, Other Mary, disciples (2), Paul, Annas, Priests (2)

When Jesus was a young man, he always hung out with James and his other cousins. Jesus would greet them with a secret family handshake, and say "What's up brother!"

(Enter Mary and Joseph) 

Jesus parents were Mary and Joseph. Mary and Joseph greeted Jesus saying "Hello, son."

(Enter Cleopas and other Mary)

James' parents were Cleopas and the other Mary. James' parents said "Hello son." 

Joseph said to Cleopas "Isn't it funny that we're brothers and we both married women named Mary? What are the chances?"

Cleopas said "It seems every second woman is named Mary. So chances are high!"

James said "I guess that makes you the Mary Men!"

And everyone had a good hearty chuckle.

(Exit Joseph, Mary, Cleopas, other Mary, enter Disciples)

One day Jesus came through his home town with his disciples. Jesus made introductions saying "Hey disciples!  This is my brother James, and my other brothers and sisters, who are not named in this skit!"

One of the disciples said "Brother? I thought Mary only had one kid!"

James nodded, and said "She did. We're actually cousins, but it's pretty much the same thing."

The other disciple said "So what's it like to be the brother of the Messiah?"

James was surprised. "You think Jesus is the messiah? C'mon, he's just a regular guy! He's a carpenter from Nazareth!"

Jesus sighed, and said "That's why I never do any miracles around here- my own family don't understand. C'mon disciples, let's go somewhere else."

(Exit Jesus, Disciples)

James was stunned. He looked at his siblings and said "Do you really think Jesus is the Messiah?"

They all shook their heads no and laughed at the idea.

(Enter disciples, Cleopas)

Some time later James and his siblings and Cleopas were all in Jerusalem for the Passover. They saw the disciples who looked sad.

James asked "What's wrong guys?" 

The disciples looked at each other, and said "Didn't you hear? They crucified Jesus!"

James was shocked. "What?"

One of the cousins said "Guess we know he wasn't the Messiah..."

But one of the disciples said "Yeah but now some people said he rose from the dead!"

(Exit all but Cleopas and James. Enter Jesus)

Cleopas and James went for a walk.  Jesus came up and joined them, but at first Cleopas and James did not recognize him. Suddenly Cleopas said "Wait, you're Jesus!"

Jesus looked at James and said "What's up, brother?"

Then he disappeared.

(Exit Jesus, Cleopas, enter disciples)

 After Jesus went to heaven, James became one of the leaders of the disciples. The other disciples said "James, as the brother of Jesus, you should be the Bishop of Jerusalem!"

James nodded and said "ok!"

(Enter Paul)

One day a guy called Paul came and said "Guys, help me out.  A bunch of Christians from Jerusalem are saying that everyone who becomes Christian first has to obey the Jewish law, even if they aren't Jewish!  You're saved by faith, not works!"

But James said "Yeah, but, faith without works is dead."

Paul said "Yeah, we have to do good things, but we don't have to obey the Jewish law."

The disciples stroked their chins and thought. 

Finally James said "Paul, you're right.  Let me write you a letter so everyone know you have the backing of the bishop of Jerusalem and the Apostles."

Paul and James shook hands, then Paul went off to Greece.

(Exit Paul, enter Annas, priests)  

James continued to teach about justice and caring for the poor and keeping our language pure. The disciples and even the Jewish priests nodded their heads and said "He's so wise!"

But a guy called Annas said "He's a Christian!  He's stirring up dissent against the priests!"

The priests were shocked, and yelled "Kill Him!"

So Annas and the priests took James to the highest place in the temple, and threw him off it. James yelled "Jesus is the Messiah!" as he fell to the ground.

The disciples wailed and said "He's dead!"

But James got off the ground and said "I'm not dead yet!"

So the priests took stones and threw them at James, then one of them grabbed a metal club and clubbed James in the head. James fell down and died.

St James the Just- Pray for us!

Francis Assisi and the Sultan

 Francis, Franciscans (3) Illuminato, Crusaders (3), Muslims (3), Sultan

(This is not an account of the entire life of St Francis, only of a key moment in his life.)

(Enter Francis)

There once was a man named Francis of Assisi. Francis was rich, charming, and good looking. He struck a pose, and all the girls in the audience whistled at him.

Francis was also a warrior, and rode his horse into battle, making his unique battle cry.

But then Francis had a conversion!  He gave away all his money, and lived as a friar, kind of like a monk, chanting as he walked.

(Enter Franciscans and Illuminato)

Francis became so holy that soon other men and women, called Franciscans, gathered around him to live like him.

 One of the Franciscans was named Illuminato.  Illuminato made a triangle with his hands and put it around his eye, but most people didn't get it, so the narrator went on with the story.

(Exit Franciscans)

One day Francis was talking to Illuminato, and he said "Did you hear about the Crusade that's happening in Egypt right now?"

Illuminato shook his head and said "It's not going well for the Christians."

Francis nodded gravely. "It seems they are in denial." Francis paused for the audience to laugh, but none of them knew their history or their geography, so no one did. Suddenly some of the audience members got it, so they showed off by laughing loudly and obnoxiously.

Francis said "I have an idea. Let's go to Egypt, and cross the lines into Muslim territory, and preach to the Sultan! If he converts to Christianity, we will win the entire country of Egypt."

Illuminato nodded, and said "I see absolutely no flaws in this plan." So together they rode off to Egypt. 

(Enter Crusaders on one side of the stage, Muslims on the other side)

The Muslims and Crusaders were engaged in a silent, slow motion battle. Francis and Illuminato strolled right past the Crusaders. 

(Exit Crusaders)

When they got to the Muslim line, the Muslims drew swords on them and said "Where do you think you're going, Christians?" 

Illuminato peed his pants.

But Francis put up his hands and said "We come in peace. We want to speak to the Sultan!"

(Enter Sultan)

When Francis met the Sultan, he said "God loves you, and he wants you to love him back."

The Sultan said "We serve God too!"  Suddenly all of the Muslims faced east and bowed to the ground in prayer. The Sultan said "See, we do this 5 times a day!" The Muslims stood up again.

Francis nodded, impressed. "I thought you guys were really awful heathens!"

The Sultan laughed, and said "That's what we thought about you! But you Franciscans have impressed me. I promise that when we win this war, we will treat Christians well in Egypt."

So Francis and the Sultan shook hands, and then Francis and Illuminato went on their way.

(Exit Francis and Illuminato. Enter Franciscans)

Years later, Franciscans came to Jerusalem. They were confronted by the Muslims and the Sultan. The Sultan said "Hey, where are you going? No Christians allowed!"

But the Franciscans said "We are Franciscan friars..."

The Sultan said "Franciscans!  Oh, in that case, come on in!  In fact, you guys can be the official tour guides for any Christians who want to come here!"

And to this day Franciscans still have responsibility for many of the holy sites in Israel.

St Francis of Assisi, pray for us!

Civil War

 This is not a saint story, and is not even a hero story, but this is an important story to understand a key piece of biblical history.

Solomon, ladies (3), Rehoboam, Jeroboam, Ahijah, old men (3), the boyz (3)

There once was a great king named Solomon.  Solomon was wise, rich, and he loved the ladies.  In fact he had 700 wives!  Solomon tried to put his arms around all three ladies at once.

The audience was gob smacked. They declared "I thought you said he was wise!"

(Enter Rehoboam)

Solomon shared his wisdom with his son. Solomon spoke with an air of great wisdom and said "My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity."

Rehoboam said "Yes, oh wise father!"

One of Solomons wives whined and said "Why can't I worship my pagan god in your kingdom?  I want a temple to my God!"

The other ladies agreed, saying "Yeah, and we want temples to our gods!"

Solomon rubbed his head like he had a headache, and said to Rehoboam "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."  But then to his wives he said "Ok, ok, you can all have temples to your gods. Yeesh."

(Enter Jeroboam)

Jeroboam ran and said "Oh mighty king!  The people are complaining!  You work them too hard!  You tax them too much.  If you don't relax your rules, they are going to rebel!"

Solomon shook his head, and said to his son Rehoboam "Diligent hands bring wealth." But then he added, "Their diligent hands are going to bring wealth to me, know what I'm saying?" 

(exit Solomon, Rehoboam, ladies, enter Ahijah)

Jeroboam shook his head, grumbling about Solomon and his rule.  Suddenly Ahijah jumped out  in front of him, yelling his name like it was a karate cry.

Jeroboam was startled.  He asked "Who are you?"

Ahijah did more karate moves and said "Ahijah!"  Then he took off the cloak he was wearing, and ripped it into 12 pieces.  He gave 10 of the pieces to Jeroboam and said "God will rip this kingdom apart and give you 10 tribes to rule as king, leaving only 2 tribes for Solomon."

Then he did more karate kicks, and left like a ninja.

(Exit Ahijah)

The crowd gasped.  They said "Did you see that? The prophet just told Jeroboam that he's going to lead a rebellion against Solomon!"

Jeroboam said "Oh no! When Solomon hears about this he'll kill me!"  So Jeroboam ran away to Egypt.

(Enter Solomon, Rehoboam, and Ladies)

Solomon stared stoically into the middle distance and said dramatically "For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing, and they have no more reward, for the memory of them is forgotten."

The ladies said "Wow, so wise!"  

Solomon said "Right?"  But then he died.

(Exit Solomon) 

The crowd said "Now Rehoboam is king!"

(Enter Jeroboam)

Jeroboam said "Rehoboam!  Your dad taxed us too much, and worked us too hard. Will you relax things?"

Rehoboam said "Hmm, let me think..."

(Enter old men)

The old men said "He's right! If we push them too hard there'll be a rebellion!"

But Rehoboam didn't listen to the old men.

(Exit old men, enter the Boyz)

Instead he went to the Boyz. The Boyz said "Tell him, that if he thinks your father was harsh, your gonna be worse!  In fact. hears what you should say..." then they whispered something to Rehoboam.

Rehoboam thought that was a great idea, and gave the Boyz each a high five. Rehoboam said "Jeroboam, you think my dad was harsh? I'm gonna be worse. He whipped you with whips, I'm going to whip you with scorpions. I have my strength in my little finger than he has in his..."

But the audience bleeped out the end of the sentence.

Jeroboam turned to the audience and said "Waddya guys think?"

The audience all said "We don't need him!  Get him out of here!"

So Rehoboam and the Boyz slunk away scared.

(Exit Rehoboam, the Boyz)

Jeroboam addressed the audience and said "Good work everyone!  10 out of 12 tribes are with us!  We'll start out own country, and we won't worship God in the Temple anymore.  Instead, we'll worship golden calves."

And everyone said "Oy!"

   

 

David and Bathsheba

 David, Servant, Bathsheba, Uriah, Joab, Soldiers (3), Nathan, wives (3)

There once was a great king named David. David was very clever, and tapped his head knowledgably. He was a great warrior, and would practice his sword fighting. He was also an accomplished harp player and singer, and would sing songs to God. 

He made a heart with his hands. and directed it to God.

The audience said "Wow!  There's a king after God's own heart!"

 He also had lots of wives.

(Enter wives)

All his wives giggled as they flirted with him, saying "David is so manly!"

(Enter Joab, Soldiers, Uriah)

One day the commander of David's forces, Joab, came running in, saying "David, our enemies are attacking! Come lead us in battle!)

But David yawned, and said "I'm tired. You guys go ahead. Besides, you don't need me! You have Uriah!"

Uriah flexed his massive muscles, and said "I am a might warrior!"

David laughed and said "Yeah you are! You're the man!" And David gave Uriah a high five.

Then Joab led Uriah and the Soldiers into battle. They charged off the stage, yelling their battle cry.

(Exit Joab, Uriah, soldiers.)

David said "I think I'll go hang out on the roof of the palace for a bit." He began climbing the ladder to the roof, while his wives giggled, giving him his privacy.

(Exit wives, enter Bathsheba)

On the roof, David was looking around, when suddenly he saw Bathsheba on another rooftop. David said "Vavavoom! Who is that vision of loveliness?"

(Enter servant)

The servant said "That is Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah."

David said "Wow. How did he end up with a girl like that? Get her for me."

So the servant went to Bathsheba, and brought her to David.

Bathsheba genuflected before David and said "What can I do for you, your majesty?"

David whispered something in her ear.

But Bathsheba objected. "I'm married."

David shrugged, and said "Yeah, but your husbands not here, and I'm the king, so I get what I want."

(Clear the stage.)

Weeks passed.

(Enter David, Bathsheba)

Bathsheba said "David, I'm pregnant."

David looked alarmed. "With Uriah's baby?"

Bathsheba shook her head, and said. "Nope. Yours". Then she walked away.

(Exit Bathsheba)

David trembled. He said "Oh no! What am I going to do? Uriah will kill me when he finds out!  I'll have to make him think that the baby is his."

(Enter Servant)

David said "Servant, go get me Uriah from the war!"

So the servant ran off.

(Exit servant, Enter Uriah) 

Uriah said "You sent for me your majesty?"

David smiled, and put his arm around Uriah's soldiers like they were best buds. David said "Yes! Good to see you! How goes the battle?"

Uriah looked confused, but said "Good. I think we're gonna win. But I'm really needed on the front line."

David smiled and said "I bet you are! You are the best warrior we have. But you deserve a night off. Go home, spend the night with your wife, go back tomorrow!"

But Uriah said "No. I need to be in the battle like any good soldier. I can't get back there tonight, so tonight I'll sleep in the palace, as your personal body guard!"

David smiled, but inside he was freaking out. "Great, you do that!"

(Exit David, enter Joab, Soldiers)

The next day Uriah brought a letter to Joab from David. Joab read the letter, and he turned pale. But all he said was "Ok."

Joab took the soldiers aside and said quietly to them, so that Uriah wouldn't hear "When I yell charge, don't charge. I'm trying to trick, uh, the enemy."

So Joab, Uriah and the Soldiers all lined up for battle.

Joab yelled "Charge!"

Uriah and the Soldiers all gave their battle cry, but only Uriah charged.  Uriah ran ahead of the rest of the army, then turned back and said "Wait, what?"

But suddenly Uriah was hit by an enemy spear, and he died.

(Exit Joab, Uriah, Soldiers. Enter David and servant)

The Servant said "Your majesty, a letter from Joab." He handed David a scroll.

David read the letter, and breathed a sigh of relief. He announced "Uriah is dead. Guess I got away with it!  Guess I better marry Bathsheba and take care of her!"

(Enter Nathan)

But Nathan, the local prophet, entered and said "David, God knows that you took another mans wife, and killed the man. God will punish you!"

(Exit Nathan, servant)

David fell on his knees, and said "I'm sorry God! Please forgive me!" Then he wrote a song about how sorry he was.

David was a king after God's own heart. But David made some very serious mistakes. But afterwards, he repented, and even though there were consequences for his sins, his relationship with God was healed. 

Dominic Savio

 Dominic, mom, dad, parish priest, teacher, students (2), Don Bosco, doctor

(Enter Dominic, Mom, dad, priest)

There once was a boy named Dominic Savio.  Dominic was cute and little, and he held hands with his mom and dad and skipped everywhere he went.

One day, Dominic Savio came to church with his mom and dad. Dad said to the priest "We're wondering if Dominic can receive his first communion?"

The priest looked at Dominic. "How old are you son?"

Dominic said "7".

The priest shook his head "Sorry, you have to be 12."  (The rules have changed since then).

Dominic looked sad, so the priest said "You know, I've seen you praying so much, and you really understand the teachings of the church.  I think I can make an exception!"

Dominic was so happy! He jumped up and down clapping his hands in glee. He said "I promise to go to Mass and Confession as often as I can, I'll celebrate Sundays and Feast Days, Jesus and Mary will be my friends, and I'll die rather than sin!"

(Exit priest, parents, enter students)

In school, Dominic excelled beyond the other students. One day when the teacher was out of the room, the other students took snow and garbage and put it into the woodstove.  They snickered mischievously, while Dominic stood aghast.

(Enter teacher) 

When the teacher found it, he/she was outraged!  The teacher said "Now I can't light the stove!  Who did this!  Whoever did will be expelled!"

The students all pointed at Dominic and said 'He did it!"

Dominic just hung his head as if guilty.

The Teacher scolded Dominic, saying "Well, you should be expelled, but since it was your first time, you won't be. But never do anything like that again!"

Dominic nodded.

(Exit students)

The next day, the teacher confronted Dominic again. The teacher said "So I understand you aren't actually the one who put stuff in the woodstove."

Dominic sighed "no".

The teacher said "Why didn't you tell me?"

Dominic said "I knew I wouldn't get in as much trouble as they would, I didn't want them to get expelled."

(Exit teacher, enter students.)

One day two of the students got into a fight. They began bumping their chests against each other to intimidate each other.

One student said "You want to go man?"

The other said "Don't get up in my grill!"

The audience started chanting "Fight, fight, fight, fight!"

Dominic ran over to them and said "Whoa break it up!"

The first student said "I'm going to break him up in a minute."

The audience said  "Oooh."

The second student said "Bring it tough guy."

The first student said "After school. Courtyard. Rockfight."

Dominic cried out in alarm "Rock fight?"

The second student said "That's right. We're gonna throw rocks at each other."

Dominic said "C'mon guys..."

But both student 1 and 2 said "I'll be there!"

After school all the students gathered in the courtyard for the rock fight. Student 1 and 2 started gathering rocks to throw.  But Dominic knelt between them, and held up a crucifix, and said "If you're going to fight, each of you throw the first rock at me."

The first student said "I'm not going to throw a rock at you!"

The second student said "Dominic, get out of the way!  We don't have anything against you!"

Dominic said "You won't throw rocks at me because I am innocent, but you would offend Christ by throwing rocks at each other?"

The two students were stricken. They said simultaneously "Fine! We won't fight!"

Then they came together in a big hug. They held onto each other and did not let go through the following dialogue.

(Enter teacher)

The teacher said "Really, they hugged? That seems over the top."

Dominic smiled, and said "They didn't really hug. We just wrote that into the script so the two actors would have to hug."

Students 1 and 2 stopped hugging, and shook their fists angrily at the narrator.

(Exit students, enter Don Bosco)

One day a priest called Don Bosco approached Dominic and said "Dominic, do you know what your name means?"

Dominic shrugged.

Don Bosco said "It means, Belongs to God!"

Dominic smiled "Well, I guess that's all the more reason for me to be a saint!"

But Don Bosco was sad.  "Dominic, I have to send you home."

Dominic was alarmed. "Why?"

Don Bosco said "You're too sick. You might get better at home."

Dominic hung his head. "Ok, I will obey."  Then he coughed, because he really was quite sick. "I'll never see you again."

Don Bosco laughed. "Dominic, you'll get better! Don't be so dramatic! You'll get better and come back to us!"

Dominic smiled, and said "It's Ok. I'm ready to die."

(Exit Don Bosco, enter Doctor)

The Doctor came and examined Dominic. The Doctor said "You have a bad cough. Here's what I recommend.  Let's cut your arms and let you bleed out all the bad blood, and then your body can make new blood and you'll be better!"

Dominic said "Ok, you're the doctor!"

So the doctor cut Dominic's arms, and allowed the blood to flow. But instead of getting better, Dominic got weaker, and died, only 14 years old.

St Dominic Savio- Pray for us!

Judah Maccabees

Alexander, 4 henchmen, Greek soldiers (4),  Jews (3), Mattathias, Judah, Simon, Eleazar, Jonathan, sell out, Elephants.

(Enter Alexander)

There once was a Greek man named Alexander.  

Alexander waved, but corrected the narrator, saying  "Uh, It's Alexander the Great, actually!"

The narrator cleared his/her throat, and started again. 

There once was a Greek man named Alexander the Great.

Alexander was...

Suddenly Alexander interrupted the narrator again, saying emphatically "The Great."

The audience collectively rolled their eyes, muttering "This is going to be a long skit."

Alexander the Great gathered his four henchman and said "Greek is the best culture in the world. We have the greatest philosophers, the greatest architects, and have you tasted our Souvlaki?"

The henchmen responded in the affirmative, all yelling "Opa!" 

Alexander the Great continued. "Let's go conquer everybody so the rest of the world can discover how fantastic we are!"

(Enter Greek Soldiers) So Alexander the Great, the henchmen and soldiers started riding all over the place, yipping and hollering and yelling "Opa" every time they killed someone. 

(Exit soldiers)

One day Alexander the Great gathered his henchman and said "I'm going to die now. Please share my empire amongst yourselves."

Then Alexander the Great died.

(Exit Alexander)

One of the henchmen said "I call dibs on Greece!"

Another said "I call Egypt"

A third said "I get Persia!"

The slowest of the henchmen, who was named Antiochus, whined. "Awe. What's left?"

The other henchmen shrugged and said "You can have Turkey."

Antiochus said "Ok, that's not so bad. Right on time for thanksgiving!"

So the three henchmen went on their way, while Antiochus called out "So long, fellers!"

(Exit 3 Henchmen, enter Greek soldiers)

Antiochus said to his soldiers "Alright, go make sure everyone is acting like good Greeks!"

(Exit Antiochus, Enter Jews)

But part of his region included Judea, where Jews are from.  The Greek Soldiers said "Everybody act Greek!  Go to the Gymnasium, worship Zeus, and eat Bacon."

But the Jews refused!  They said  "We will never eat swine flesh!"

So the Greeks cut off their hands and feet and fried them alive in giant woks. The Jews screamed and died.

(Exit Jews, enter Mattathias, Judah, Simon, Eleazar and Jonathan, sell out.)

The Greeks ordered Mattathias and his sons, saying "You are an important family!  Sacrifice to Zeus, and we'll give you loots of money, because if you do it everyone else will!"

But Mattathias said. "Never!  we will fight for the Jewish law!"

A sell out said "I'll do it!  Can I have the money?"

Mattathias screamed in outrage, and he took a sword, killed the sell out, and one of the Greeks.  Then he said "C'mon boys! Let's head for the hills!"

Then Mattathias died.

(Exit Mattathias, Enter Elephants)

The Greeks got elephants who trumpeted and reared up, and sucked water into their trunks and sprayed it at each other.  Each Greek rode on the back of an elephant.

The Greeks and the sons of Mattathias, called the Maccabeans, fought in a vicious battle. 

Eleazar pointed at one of the Elephants and said "That is the most impressive of all the animals!  I bet that's the king riding it!"  So Eleazar slid under the elephant, and stabbed it with his spear. The Elephant screamed an elephant scream, and collapsed on Eleazar, and both Eleazar and the Elephant died.

The rest of the Greeks gave up the fight, saying "Ok, Ok!  You guys can have your own kingdom!" and they ran away. (Exit Eleazar, Elephants and Greeks.)

The surviving Maccabeans cleaned the temple, rebuilt the altar, and Judah said "We should celebrate for eight days by playing with wooden tops called dreidels!"

And so the audience all together said "Happy Hannukah!"