St Lidwina

Lidwina, friends, Mom, sinful man, Lidwina's angel, Sinful man's angel

Enter Lidwina, friends

There once was a young girl named Lidwina.  Ever since she was a child, Lidwina wanted to be a nun.  But when she was 15 years old, she was ice skating with some friends, when suddenly she fell, and broke a rib.  She cried out in pain! Her mom ran to her, saying "Lidwina, are you Ok?"

(Exit Friends)

The wounds she got from this turned to Gangrene. (Gang-green).  This meant that she had to stay in bed for the rest of her life!  Even though she spent the rest of her life lying down, she'll spend the rest of this skit standing up, so the audience can see her.

She suffered immensely.  She could not eat, and would only eat a little piece of apple each day.  Her whole body started to rot, and she puked blood, and according to the stories even pieces of bone or organs came out! But her vomit and rotting organs smelled beautiful! Her mom would scoop these things up, and keep them in a vase, and put them on the bedside table, and say "There-  now doesn't that smell nice?".

The audience would say "Wow, Lidwina must be Holy!"

Her mother would say to the audience "Yes, because even her rotting internal organs smell sweet!"

But Lidwina said "Uh, Mom-  could you please bury those?  I don't want everyone to think I'm holy."

Her mom said "awww... but they smell so nice!  Ok."  And she took the vase away to bury it's contents.

(Leave Mom. Enter Sinful Man)

One day a sinful man came slinking in, and said in a devious voice "I am a sinful man!  I am here to commit sins!"

Lidwina said "Actually, you should try to be holy."

The sinful man said "Really?  Wow... I had no idea.  Ok, I'll be holy"

But before he could start, he died.

(Exit Sinful man)

Lidwina started praying, saying "Dear God!  Please show me if the sinful man got to Heaven!"

(Enter Guardian angel)

Suddenly her guardian angel appeared to her, and said "I will show you where he is.  Will you come with me?"

Lidwina said "yes".  So the two of them held hands, and skipped all the way to purgatory.

Lidwina heard the sounds of torment, provided by the audience.  There were cries of sorrow, screams of anguish, and shrieks of despair.  Lidwina said "Oh no!  Are we in Hell?"

Her guardian angel said "No, This is purgatory... but it is a lot like Hell."

(Enter guardian angel of sinful man)

 Suddenly they saw the guardian angel of the sinful man, sitting looking sad, with his head in his hands.  Beside him was a deep well, out of which flames spewed.  From the pit they heard the voice of the sinful man saying "Who will free me from this awful suffering?"

Lidwina said "Sinful man-  is that you?"

Sinful man said "Yes!  And I am suffering terribly until I can see God in Heaven!"

Lidwina said "I will pray for Mercy for you."

Sinful man said " Even though I am suffering so much, I know that this suffering is itself mercy, since I deserve to go to Hell."

(Exit sinful man and angels, enter mom)

Suddenly Lidwina woke up, as it was all a dream  But she trembled with fear. Her mom saw how afraid she was and said "what happened?"

Lidwina said "I saw purgatory, and it is awful!  We must all pray for people who are there!"

(Enter angel of sinful man)

Sometime later the angel of sinful man came to her and said "Lidwina, your friend sinful man, is now in Heaven."

St Lidwina-  pray for us!

St Bernadette

Bernadette, mom, dad, sister, Mary, crowd, sick, nuns

(Enter Bernadette, mom, dad, sister)

There once was a young girl named Bernadette.  Bernadette lived with he mom, her dad, and her sister, and the rest of her family.  They were very poor, and they lived in a single room basement.  In fact the room had previously been a jail!  Because of this, her dad would say "We live in a dungeon."

When Bernadette was very young, she got sick, and after that she always had Asthma, and would have trouble breathing.

One day Bernadette's Mom said "It's cold.  Girls, go get some firewood!"

So Bernadette and her sister joined hands and skipped off to find wood.

(Exit mom and dad.)

When they got to a river, her sister quickly ran across the river, shrieking about how cold the water was.   But Bernadette said "Wait, I have asthma!  The waters too cold! I can't cross!"

While Bernadette was taking off her socks, suddenly there shone a bright light.  When she looked up, she saw Mary!  Of course she didn't know yet that it was Mary, and said "What a beautiful shining woman!"

Mary said  "hi".

Bernadette said "Hi.  Who are you?"

Mary said "I am the immaculate conception."

Bernadette said "I have no idea what that means!"  Then she ran across the river to tell her sisters, but she did not even find the water to be cold!

(Exit Mary, Enter crowd)

Bernadette continued to see the beautiful lady every day.  Soon a crowd came to see what was happening.  But no one else could see Mary!  Some people said "She must be stupid."  Others said "She's crazy!"  Others said "It's a miracle!"  Bernadette would just kneel very still.  Even when the candle she was holding burned down to her hands, she kept kneeling and did not react!

But then Bernadette started kissing the ground, and eating the grass, and washing her face with the mud. The audience laughed, pointing at her and saying "She's off her rocker!" and "She's not dealing with a full deck." and "She's not quite the full shilling!"

Her mom said angrily "What are you doing?"

Bernadette said "Mary told me to drink from this spring!"

Her mom said "There is no spring here-  let's go home!"

And she dragged Bernadette away.

But then suddenly water bubbled up from underground, and everyone gasped as they saw the spring!

Everyone started singing Alleluia.

(everyone but Bernadette leave. Nuns and sick enter)

Bernadette became a nun, and learned to fold her hands and walk like a nun, and took care of sick people.  Eventually she got tuberculosis, which caused her great pain in her knee.  But even in pain, she continued to serve joyfully.  She died when she was only 35 years old.

St Bernadette-  pray for us!

Post Script;
Eventually a little pool was made with the spring water, and a church built.
Bernadette's body was buried, but when it was dug up years later, it was found to be intact!

St Paul

St Paul

Paul, Gamaliel (M) (Ga-ma-lee-el), Stephen, angry crowd (4), horses (5), Jesus, Ananias (M) (An-na-nie-as), Luke, Barnabas, Roman

(Enter Paul and Gamaliel)

There once was a young man named Paul.  Paul was short, und unattractive, but very smart!  He studied under a man named Gamaliel.  Gamaliel said “Oh Paul, you are my best student!”

Paul said “Thank you!  And you are the greatest teacher of our times!  One day I hope to be just as self-righteous and anal retentive as you!”

Gamaliel said “Um…. Thanks.”

(Enter Stephen, Exit Gamaliel)

One day a man named Stephen ran by yelling “I’m gonna get stoned, dude!”

Paul shook his head disapprovingly, and said “It always starts with just getting stoned, but where does it end?”

(Enter angry crowd)

An angry crowd yelled “Get him!”  And surrounded Stephen, picking up rocks to throw at him.

Paul said “Oh, that kind of stoned.  My Bad!" Then to the crowd he said "Here, may I hold your jackets?”

The angry crowd yelled “Thank you!  You are too kind!”

As they began throwing rocks at Stephen, Stephen looked up and said “I see Heaven open!  And there’s Jesus!”  Then he died.

Paul said “Jesus, eh?  So Stephen was one of those despicable Christians!  Let’s go get some more!”

(Exit Stephen, Enter horses)

So Paul and the angry crowd all got on horses, and began riding to Damascus. Along the way Jesus suddenly appeared to Paul, saying “Paul-  why do you persecute me?”

No one else could see Jesus.

Paul fell off his horse and said “Who are you, that I am persecuting you?"

The angry crowd thought Paul was nuts.

Jesus said "I am Jesus."  Then he disappeared.

(Exit Jesus)

Paul suddenly started groping around, saying "I’m blind!”

So the angry crowd took him to Damascus, and left him there.

(Exit angry crowd, horses, Paul.  Enter Ananias, Jesus)

Jesus appeared to a man called Ananias and said “Paul of Tarsus is in town.  Go pray for him and heal him!”

Ananias said “Really?  I heard about him, he’s a bad dude!  He’ll kill me.”

(Exit Jesus, enter Paul)

But Ananias did as he was told. He laid hands on Paul and said “In the name of Jesus, be healed!”

Paul jumped up and said “It’s a miracle! I can see!”

(Exit Ananias, enter Luke and Barnabas, angry crowd)

Then he and his friends Luke and Barnabas ran all over the place telling people about Jesus.  Eventually the angry crowd caught up with Paul, and threw him in jail.  But from jail he continued to write letters, and he wrote many of the letters in the New Testament.

(Enter Roman soldier)

Eventually Paul was killed when a roman soldier chopped off his head.

St Paul-  Pray for us!

St Raphael

St Raphael

Sarah (Make sure she’s pretty + funny!), men (4),  John, Simon, Seth, Asmodeus (As- moe-dee-us)(M), Tobias, Tobit, Raphael, bird (f), dog, fish

(Enter Sarah, men)

There once was a very beautiful girl named Sarah. She lived in a land called Media. She would walk around, batting her eyes, and flitting her hair back, and giggling in a flirty fashion.  When men saw her, they would say “Va va voom!”.  But Sarah would just giggle, and say “Oh, boys, you’re so sweet” tapping each one of them on the nose with her long and beautiful finger.

(Men leave the stage, enter John, Asmodeus on deck)

One day a man named John came to Sarah, got down on one knee, and said “Sarah, you are the epitome (e-pit-oh-me) of beauty and grace. Will you marry me?”

Sarah said “Of course!”

John stood to kiss her, but before he could, a crazy demon called Asmodeus came shrieking and howling out of nowhere and killed him! Then Asmodeus disappeared.

(Exit John, enter Simon, Asmodeus on deck)

Next a man called Simon came to Sarah, got down on one knee, and said “Do you know mouth to mouth resuscitation?  Because you took my breath away.  Will you marry me?”

Sarah said “Of course!”

Simon stood to kiss her, but before he could, a crazy demon called Asmodeus came shrieking and howling out of nowhere and killed him! Then Asmodeus disappeared.

(Exit Simon, enter Seth, Asmodeus on deck)

Next a man called Seth came to Sarah, got down on one knee and said “Was your father a thief? Cause he stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes!  Will you marry me?”

Sarah said “Of course!”

Seth stood to kiss her, but before he could, a crazy demon called Asmodeus came shrieking and howling out of nowhere and killed him! Then Asmodeus disappeared.

(Exit Seth, enter Men, Asmodeus on deck)

All the other men came, got down on one knee, and said “How you doin?”  but Asmodeus killed them all. Sarah was very sad.

Scene change!

(Exit Sarah, Men, Asmodeus,  enter Tobit, bird)

Meanwhile, in another place, a man named Tobit was sitting and praying, and looking up he saw a bird. The bird flew gracefully in the sky, and then it pooped, and the poop landed in Tobits eye!  Tobit stood and said “I am blinded by that birds poop!  Help me!”

(Enter Tobias)

Tobias was Tobits son, and he said “Here I am father- what can I do?”

Tobias said “If I am blind, we will soon be poor.  Go to Media, where I have money.”

(Enter Raphael)

Suddenly Raphael came and said “My name is Azariah, and I’m your relative”

The audience said “I thought his name was Raphael?”

Raphael said “Shhh!  I'm in disguise!”  Then to Tobias he said “I’ll go with you to Media, and protect you!”

(Exit Tobit, enter dog, fish)

As they were walking, with Tobias’ dog they stopped at a river, where a fish was swimming around, making fishy sounds.  Suddenly the fish jumped out of the water, and tried to eat Tobias’ foot.

Tobias screamed “Get it off!” while the dog ran in circles barking, and growling at the fish.

Raphael killed the fish with a club, and they sliced it open, removing its guts. Raphael said “Tobias, you should keep these- they may come in handy.”

(Exit fish, enter Sarah, Asmodeus on deck)

When they got to Media, Tobias saw Sarah, and he instantly fell in love.  He got down on one knee and said “Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night.”

Sarah said “Please!  Every man who tries to marry me gets killed by the evil demon Asmodeus!”

Just then Asmodeus appeared, and shrieking said “I’ll get you, and your little dog too!”

But Raphael said “Quick Tobias, the fish guts!”

Asmodeus shrieked in horror at the sight of the fish guts, and said “I’m melting, melting!” until he was nothing but a steaming puddle of ooze.

(Exit Asmodeus)

Sarah was so happy, that she and Tobias share a long and intimate kiss. They just kep smooching and smooching.  Finally Raphael said "Awkard!", and they stopped.

(Enter Tobit)

When they returned to Tobit, Raphael took the fish guts, and used them to heal Tobits’ eyes.   Tobit said “I can see!  It’s a miracle!  How did you do that?”

Raphael said “Because I am not really Azariah.  I am the great archangel Raphael!”

Sarah said “Raphael- are you a ninja turtle?”

Raphael said “No.  The ninja turtle was named after me.”

The crowd said “woah- déjà vu.”  This is because the same joke was used in the St Michael Archangel skit.

St Raphael is the patron saint of romance.

St Raphael- Pray for us!