St Leo the Great

Pope Sixtus III, Leo, Emperor, Christians (2), Romans (2), Attila the Hun, Huns (3), Geneseric the Vandal, Vandals (3)


(Enter Pope Sixtus III, Leo, Emperor, Christians, Romans).

The fifth century was a tumultuous time. Everyone in Rome huddled together, trembling, and saying  "Oh the tumult, the tumult!"

The Romans said "Ever since our empire became Christian, we've been invaded by wave after wave of barbarians! We should never have stopped worshiping  Mars!"

But Christian number 1 said "It's not our fault the empire is collapsing! We must worship Jesus, because he is the one true God!"

Christian number 2 said "I hate to correct you, dear brother, but Jesus was a man and not God."

Christian number 1 said "That's crazy... he was God!  How could God become man?"

And so the Christians argued amongst themselves, yelling in turn "God!" "Man!" "God!"  "Man!"

Pope Sixtus said "Oh dear, these divisions will tear us apart!  Leo, do you have time to solve this debate?"

Leo said "I may not have the time, but I have the tome!!!"  Leo looked for someone to laugh at his joke, but not a single person got it. The narrator resolved to google it later.

Leo said to the Christians. "You're both right!  Jesus is God, and man!"

The audience though that was pretty trippy, so they said "whoa" as if they were high.

The Christians hugged each other, saying "Hurray for Christian unity!"

Then Pope Sixtus died. The Christians said "Let's make Leo the next Pope!"

(Exit Sixtus, enter Attila and the Huns.)

Attila and the Huns rode their horses all around the Christians, Romans, Emperor and Pope Leo.  The Huns  hooted and hollered, saying "Attack the city of Rome, the greatest city in the world!"

The emperor was a weak man, and he said in a wimpy voice "Oh my! We will be destroyed! The Huns are the most vicious people in all the world!"

One of the Romans said "They are so uncivilized- they never get off their horses!"

Another Roman said "They eat their meat raw!"

Attila said "Correction! We do not eat out meat raw. We place the meat under our bare legs, and it cooks between our legs and the bodies of our horses!"

The huns each took a slab of meat out from under their thighs and started ripping at it with their teeth.  The audience groaned in disgust.

The emperor whimpered "Whatever are we to do?"

Pope Leo said "I got this."  Then he went out and greeted Attila, and said "In the name of Jesus you will leave Rome alone!"

Attila pouted, but said "Oh, ok. C'mon Huns!"

But the Huns whined saying  "But Attila!"

Attila scolded them like an angry parent "I mean it! Let's go, Huns!"

So the Huns all rode off on their horses (Exit Attila and the Huns)

Everyone celebrated the departure of the barbarians!  The Romans said "We thought the fall of Rome was the fault of the Christians! But now we see that you are defenders of Rome! No one will mess with us now!"

(Enter Geneseric and the vandals.)

Geneseric said mockingly "Oh, no?"

Leo said "Who are you, and what do you want?"

Geneseric said "We are the vandals, and we are here to destroy Rome and all it's treasures for no reason!"

The Emperor said "You mean, to vandalize it?"

Geneseric said. "Very astute. The word vandalize comes from the word vandal. Which is what we are."

The audience members whispered to each other "This is so educational!"

Leo said "Gosh, guys, you've come all this way... how bout this... you could loot Rome, steal whatever you want, but don't wreck anything, or steal our wives, and we'll just step aside."

Geneseric said "But, we're vandals. Wrecking stuff is what we do... but you're such a nice guy... oh, ok."

So Geneseric and his vandals stole from the people of Rome, but didn't wreck anything. Then they left.

The Emperor waved saying "Good bye!  Come again soon!"

(Exit vandals)

Everyone said "Wow. Leo, you were great!"

Leo said "Hmmm... Leo the Great. I like the sound of that."

And everyone had a hearty chuckle.

St Leo the Great!

Pray for us!