St Corona

Corona, Victor, Marcus Aurelius, other soldiers (3), palm trees (2)

(Enter Marcus Aurelius, Victor, Soldiers)

There once was a roman Emperor named Marcus Aurelius.  His soldiers saluted him, while he said "Good people of Rome!  I am your emperor, Marcus Aurelius".

The soldiers said "Oh, Really?"

Marcus said "No... Aurelius."

Then he said "I am a good emperor, and I think this Pax Romana is really great.  But you know, I'm also a stoic philosopher, dedicated to virtue and to actions governed by logic.  So-  let's kill all the Christians!"

One soldier said "Wow, that sounds kind of violent for a stoic..."

Victor said  "But sir, I am a Christian!"

Aurelius said "Oh good!  We'll start with you!  Men, Gouge out his eyes!"

So the soldiers poked Victors eyes out.  Victor said "Ouch!  Ouchy ouchy ouch!  That really hurts!"

(Enter Corona)

Corona ran to him and "Be strong, Victor!  Jesus is with you!"

Aurelius said "Who are you?"

Corona said "I'm Corona."

A soldier sang "My Corona" to the tune of "My Sharona".

Aurelius looked at the camera and said "I hope this doesn't go viral!"

Victor said "I thought your name was Stephanie".

Corona said "It's Stephanie in Greek, and Corona in Latin.  It means crown!"

The audience nodded their heads and said "Oh!" grateful to acquire such valuable information.

Aurelius said "Greek, Latin.... Where are you from, young lady?"

Corona said "Oh, you know... Syria, Sicily, Marseilles..."

Aurelius said "And, are you married to Victor?"

The other soldier said "Actually, she's married to me..."

Aurelius said "Awkward..."  Then he said "Still, we have to kill the Christians.  Start with Victor-  chop off his head!"

Corona said "Please-  That's no way to get ahead in this world!"

But the soldier chopped off Victors head.  Corona cried, but said "Go with Jesus!"

Aurelius said "So, you're a christian too eh?  Well, how shall we martyr you?  Whatever we do, it ought to be legendary!"

So Aurelius and the soldier bent two palm trees with ropes. They tied Corona to the two trees, then released the trees.  As the trees snapped back, Corona was ripped apart.

St Corona-  Pray for us! 

Samson

Manoah, wife, angel, Samson, Lion, foxes (2) Philistines (4)  Israelite (2), Delilah

(Enter Manoah, Wife)

There once was a man named Manoah.  One day his wife came to him, grabbed him by the shirt, and said "I wanna have a baby!"

But Manoah shook her off and said "Listen woman. You're never gonna have a baby.  You're barren!"

So his wife started to cry.

(Enter Angel)

Suddenly an angel appeared to her and said "You're gonna have a baby!  But he has to be dedicated to God.  He can never drink alcohol, and never cut his hair."

She said "What kind of baby drinks alcohol?"

The angel said "I mean for his whole life!"

Then the angel disappeared. 

(Exit angel)

Manoah said "Wow, we just saw God! Now we're gonna die!"

His wife said "I think if God meant to kill us, we'd be dead already.  Oh my, I'm having a baby"

(Enter Samson)

Suddenly, Samson was born!  He said "Thank you mother, for birthing me."

Samson grew up to be super buff, with long flowing hair. He flexed his massive muscles.  All the girls in the audience said "He's so dreamy!"

Manoah said "He gets it from his dad."

His wife said "Oh please, he gets it from God!"

(Exit Manoah, wife. Enter Lion)

One day, Samson was attacked by a lion.  But Samson tore the lion apart, limb by limb, leaving its corpse on the ground.

Some time later he noticed a beehive in the corpse of the lion. He tasted the honey and said "Delicious!"

(Exit Lion, enter foxes)

Now in that area, there were Philistines who lorded it over the Israelites.  They weren't very nice. So to get revenge, Samson tied two foxes together, and tied a torch between them, and set them free in a Philistine wheat field. The foxes ran around, saying what foxes say, burning all the crops.  Then Samson ran away and hid in a cave.

(Exit foxes, Enter Philistines, Israelites)

The Philistines looked around at their burned out fields, shaking their fists and saying "Who did this?"  They looked accusingly at the Israelites. 

The Israelites said "We didn't do it!"

The shortest philistine said "I bet it was your boy Samson".

The tallest philistine said "bring us Samson, tied up!"

The oldest philistine said "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!"

The best looking philistine said "Now go!"

So the Israelites went and found Samson, and tied him up, and brought him to the Philistines. 

The strongest philistine said "So Samson, what do you have to say for yourself now?"

Samson said "You better stand back".  Then flexing his massive muscles, he burst the ropes that bound him, picked up the jawbone of a donkey, and killed all the philistines.

(exit philistines)

The Israelites cheered!  They said "Yay Samson!  You are so strong!"

The girls in the audience said "And dreamy!"

(Enter Delilah)

Delilah said "I'll say!"

The audience said "Who are you?"

Delilah said "I'm Delilah, the prettiest girl around!".  Then she flipped her hair, batted her eyes, and took a selfie.

The boys in the audience said "Vavavoom!"

Delilah walked up to Samson, and traced her finger along the lines of his pecks and his washboard abs. Samson said "hubba hubba!"

The Israelites discreetly left the stage.

(exit Israelites)

Delilah said "Now, you big hunk of a man. Why don't you tell little old Delilah the secret of your strength?"

Samson said "Duhhh-  it's my hair.  My hair is a symbol of my dedication to God.  If I ever cut it my strength would leave me!"

That night while Samson slept, Delilah cut his hair, and tied him up. Then she yelled "Samson, your enemies are upon you!"

Samson jumped up, and flexed his muscles to break the ropes... but they wouldn't break!

He looked at Delilah and said "How could you?"

Delilah said "Didn't I tell you sweetheart?  I'm a philistine!" 

(Enter the philistines)

In ran the philistines!  These were not the same philistines that Samson had killed earlier. They just looked very similar.  

The smartest philistine said "Now we've got you!"

The philistines grabbed Samson, poked his eyes out, and tied him to a stone in a mill, where he was made to walk in circles all day, grinding wheat into flour. 

One day, the philistines said "Let's throw a party, in honour of our god, Dagon!"

Now Dagon was a statue of a merman with a big black beard. So the Philistines honoured it by singing "Under da sea" from the little Mermaid.

Then the evilest of the philistines said "Let's get Samson and make fun of him!"

So they tied Samson between two pillars, and the audience all made fun of him, saying things like "Who's strong now? " and "Nice haircut, buzz!"

Delilah whispered in Samsons' ear "I still think you're a gorgeous hunk."

Samson said "Dear God, sorry I screwed up!  My hair is growing back.  Can I have my strength back now?"

Samson felt his strength return, so he flexed his muscles, pulling the pillars in wards. The audience screamed as the ceiling fell on them, and everyone died.

Esther

Esther, Mordecai, Haman (Hey-Man), Xerxes, Vashti, Jews (5), Persians (5)  Beautiful girls (3) herald

(Enter Xerxes, Persians, Haman, Vashti)

There once was a very powerful king named Xerxes.  Xerxes was the king of all the Persians.  The Persians asked the king in unison "Oh, mighty king!  Persia is the most powerful country in all the world!  How did you come to rule it?"

"I ran". The king said. All the Persians laughed. But Vashti, Xerxes' wife, did not laugh.  She just shook her head disdainfully.

Xerxes looked at his wife and said "Laugh, woman!"

But Vashti said "No.  Your joke isn't funny.  You didn't run to be King... you inherited the throne. And Persia won't be called Iran until 1935... which is like 2400 years from now!  Even if your joke were funny, no one would get it!  These people only laughed to flatter your enormous ego!"

Xerxes went into a rage, and he said "Woman, I hereby banish you from my presence, and not only from my presence, but from my entire empire, the largest in the history of the world!"

The crowd gasped. Vashti ran away crying.

(Exit Vashti)

Then Xerxes pointed to one of his servants, the one named Haman, and said "You-  what's your name?"

Haman said "Haman."

Xerxes said "Hey. What's your name?"

Haman said "Haman."

King Xerxes said "Hey, man. Now answer me- what's your name?"

Haman said "My name is Haman."

King Xerxes said "I know. I was making a joke."

The Persians all laughed.  But Vashti yelled from off stage "Not funny!"

Xerxes said "Haman, I need a new wife, because that last one was disobedient."

Haman said "I happen to have a list of all the most beautiful women in the kingdom..."

Xerxes said "Why would you have a list like that?  Never mind. Well, bring them to me!"

(Enter beautiful girls and Esther)

Haman said "your majesty, check out these babes".  The girls giggled, while Esther just waved  Then Haman chose one of the giggling girls, and said "I personally think this one is smoking hot!"

But Xerxes was overcome by the sheer beauty of Esther.  He got down on one knee, took Esthers hand in his own, and said "Young lady!  You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen!  Will you marry me?"

Before she could answer, Haman said "Remember, Esther, if you say no you'll be banished."

So Esther said "Yes, your majesty!  I would love to be your wife!"

Xerxes said "Excellent!  Now go do wifely things- cook something or make a quilt.  I'll call you when I want you!"

(Exit all but Esther.  Enter Mordecai)

Esther said "Mordecai, did you see what happened? I had to marry the king! I don't know how to be a queen!"

But Mordecai said "Esther, who knows?  Maybe God called you to be queen for some reason we don't yet know!"

(Exit Esther, Enter Jews, Persians, Haman)

Haman liked to parade around town, showing off how rich he was and what great outfits he wore.  He'd announce himself saying "Here I come!  I'm Haman, friend of the King!  Everybody bow, show me respect!"

All the Jews and Persians bowed when Haman came by, but Mordecai would not.  Haman went to Mordecai and said "Bow your head, Jew!"

But Mordecai just stood his ground, staring Haman in they eye. Haman pointed at Mordecai and said "Listen, Jew, I'm gonna get my revenge on you."  Then Haman laughed like a madman.

(Exit Haman, enter herald)

Sometime later  a herald walked out and said in a British accent "Here ye, Here ye.  2 weeks from this date it will be lawful for any Persian to murder any Jew, and steal the property of the Jew they killed.  Sincerely, Haman, friend of the king."

The Persians cheered!  The Jews cried.  Mordecai said "Wait, they can't do that!"

The herald said "I'm afraid they can!  It is sealed by the king, and so is irrevocable! In other news, Haman has built a gallows 23 meters tall from which he will hang you.  Sorry for your luck!"

Mordecai said "We'll see about that!"

 (Exit all but Mordecai.  Enter Esther)

Mordecai ran to Esther, fell on his knees, and said "Please!  Esther!  Do something!  Haman has made it so that we will all be killed!"

Esther said "But what can I do?"

Mordecai said "You're the queen!  Tell the king what happened, and he'll protect us!"

Esther said "But the king hasn't called me!  If I go to him without being called, he could kill me!"

Mordecai put his hands on Esther's shoulders, looked her deep in the eyes, and put his face uncomfortably close to hers.

Mordecai said "Esther, what if God has given you this role for such a time as this?"

(Exit Mordecai, enter Xerxes and Haman)

Xerxes sat on his royal throne, with Haman standing very pleased beside him.  Esther entered the throne room, trembling, and approached the king.

Haman said "Your majesty, the queen approaches without being summoned!  The law says she should die!  What will you do?"

But Xerxes extended his arm to her, and said "Come to me, my snookums"

Relieved, Esther approached the king.

Xerxes said "Would you like to sit on my royal lap?"

Esther said "Your highness, I come with terrible news!  One of your advisors has tricked you, and has ordered that I and all my family should be put to death!"

Xerxes stood up and roared "What?  Who could do such a thing!"

Esther pointed at Haman, and said "He did it.  He ordered that the Jews should be killed, and I am Jewish."

Haman looked terrified.  He said "I didn't know you were Jewish!"  Then he threw himself at Esther's feet, and said "Please!  I had no idea! Have mercy!"

Then Xerxes bellowed "Are you attacking my wife right in front of me?  Guards!  Guards!"

(Enter Persians)

The Persians ran in and grabbed Haman.  Xerxes said "Kill this man, and give all his property to my wife, Esther!"  So the Persians took Haman, and hung him from his own 23 meter gallows.

The king sat back in his throne exhausted, and said "Esther, I will allow you to write a new law so that no one hurts you or your people.  I'm so sorry for this."

But Esther said "You were wonderful!  Please, may I crawl onto your royal lap now?"

And she did.

Telemachus

Telemachus (m), Gladiator, the Spaniard, Ignatius of Antioch (m) , Lion, Perpetua (f), Felicity(f) , mad cow, Emperor Constantine (m), Emperor Honorius (m), announcer, guards 2

Audience has a large part to play as well, so be ready to participate, and then be quiet to hear the actors on stage.

Disclaimer;  The following story combines a number of stories which took place over hundreds of years in various locations within the Roman empire. 

Everyone in the audience was excited.  They squirmed and jostled each other, trying to get a good view of the stadium floor. Ever since the Colosseum had been built by Jewish slaves in the year 80, Roman citizens had gathered to see the spectacle.

Still, there was no one on stage.

Someone in the audience called out "On with the show!"

Another said "I want to see someone fight a jaguar!"

Someone else said "Remember that time they flooded the whole arena and did a naval battle?"

Everyone responded at once "Boy, I do!  It was awesome!"

Suddenly the rowdy crowd grew quiet as the announcer stepped out onto stage. (enter announcer)

The announcer said loudly "Friends, Romans, Countrymen!  Lend me your ears!" Then the announcer added in song "this is the greatest show!"

(Enter guards, Ignatius)  The crowd applauded and cheered and the guards dragged Ignatius onto stage. The announcer said "Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Ignatius of Antioch, a despicable Christian!"

The crowd booed.

The announcer said "and now for the mane event!" (Enter Lion)

 Suddenly a lion pounced onto the stage.

Ignatius said "It will grind my bones like wheat for bread!"

The lion roared, then pounced on Ignatius, and bit his face off.

The crowd cheered as the guards removed the body of Ignatius and escorted the lion off stage.

(exit lion, Ignatius, enter Perpetua and Felicity)

The announcer said "That's not all! These two young ladies are both Christians!  Watching them die will be udderly delightful!"

(Enter mad cow) Suddenly a mad cow entered the stage, mooing loudly, and then it's moos turned into maniacal laughter.  The cow charged at the girls, and gored them with it's horns.  But the girls did not die.

The announcer said "What's that? not dead?  Bring out the gladiators!"

(enter gladiator and Spaniard)  so the gladiator and the Spaniard each took swords, and killed the girls with them. (Exit cow, Perpetua, Felicity)

The Spaniard turned to the audience, and said "Are you not entertained?"

Just then emperor Constantine walked in said "I am now your emperor!  and I am a christian!"

The announcer said "awkward."

Constantine said "From now on, no killing Christians in the Colloseum."

The audience said "Awwww".

Constantine said "It's ok!  we'll still have gladiator battles!"

The audience said "Yay!"

But then Constantine died. (exit Constantine, enter Honorius).

Some time later, Honorius said "I'm the emperor now! To celebrate let's have gladiator battles!  Well, chop chop, let's move boys!"

So the gladiator and the Spaniard began having an epic sword battle in super slow motion.

(Enter Telemachus)  Suddenly Telemachus ran in and yelled "stop!"

Everybody froze. Honorius said "who are you?"

Telemachus said "I'm some random monk from the desert who just happened to be walking by. These gladiator battles are an outrage and must stop."

The crowd sat in stunned silence. Then someone yelled 'kill the monk!"

So the crowd, the gladiators, the guards, and the announcer all picked up rocks, and began throwing them at Telemachus, who crumpled and died.  His body remained on the floor.

Honorius said  "quiet down everyone!  I think that monk had a point!  Well done, no more gladiator battles!."  So no one ever had gladiator battles again, and everyone had a group hug.

Saints Ignatius, Perpetua, Felicity and Telemachus-  Pray for us!