St Joseph

Joseph, Salome (f), children, Mary, Zechariah, Jesus, Herod, angel

In this account of the life of St Joseph, we will take heavily from sources other than the Bible.  Some of these accounts go back almost as far back as scripture itself, but we cannot be certain of their accuracy.

(Joseph, Salome and 6 kids on stage)

St Joseph was a carpenter.  He was young and strong, and when he used his saw, he would flex his arm.  The girls in the audience would say "ooh, la la!"

But Joseph was married to a woman named Salome. He and Salome had 6 children! He trained his children well in carpentry, and one by one his kids moved out into the audience to start their own families, sitting beside the person they had a crush on. (Allow for a moment of comedy, then settle everybody down.)

Then Salome died. Joseph got very old, 90 years old, but stayed healthy!

(Zechariah enter)

One day a man named Zechariah came to Joseph and said "Joseph, I know that you are an old widower, and that you are an upright man.  Will you marry one of the girls from the temple to keep her honour?"

Joseph said "How old is she?"

Zechariah said "14."  then broke into a coughing fit.

The audience said "Creepy!"

But Joseph turned to the audience and said "The girls is a committed virgin-  I'm just gonna look after her, and make sure she gets taken care of."  Then, under his breath, he muttered "jerks".

To Zechariah he said "Of course I will."

(Zechariah leave, Mary Enter)

When Mary saw Joseph, she threw her arms around him and said "yay!  Thanks for marrying me!  I promise to be a good wife!"

But then a few months later Mary came and said "I'm pregnant."

Joseph said "What?  But you said..."

Mary said "I know, but an angel appeared to me, and the Holy Spirit came down on me, and one thing led to another..."

Joseph said "Um, so the father is God? Just give me some time to think."

(Mary leave, angel enter)

An angel appeared to Joseph and said "Don't be afraid to take Mary as your wife.  She's legit"  Then the angel disappeared.

Then the angel reappeared and said "Oh yeah-  name the baby Jesus"  Then the angel disappeared again.

(Mary and Zechariah enters.)

So Joseph married Mary, and this made Mary merry.  Zechariah said "I now pronounce you man and wife.  You may kiss the bride."

Joseph puckered up, but Mary said "No you may not... remember?"

Joseph said "awww."

(Zechariah leave)

One day Joseph and Mary went to Bethlehem, and Joseph brought Mary to a stable to have a baby, saying "Good thing you're in stable condition."

Mary gave birth to a baby, and they named him Jesus.

But while Mary was holding Jesus in her lap, and tickling his chin, saying "coochie-coochie-coo", an angel appeared to Joseph again saying "King Herod wants to kill your baby!  Run away to Egypt"

So Joesph picked up baby Jesus, and ran holding Jesus with Mary to Egypt, while a maniacal Herod ran in saying "kill all the babies!"   Then Herod died.

While Mary, Jesus and Joseph were learning to walk like Egyptians, and Angel appeared to Joseph and said "Ok, you're good.  You can go back now!"

Joseph raised Jesus until he was 21 years old-  then, when Joseph was 111, the angel came and threw Joseph over his shoulder and took him to Heaven.

St Joseph-  pray for us!