David and Bathsheba

 David, Servant, Bathsheba, Uriah, Joab, Soldiers (3), Nathan, wives (3)

There once was a great king named David. David was very clever, and tapped his head knowledgably. He was a great warrior, and would practice his sword fighting. He was also an accomplished harp player and singer, and would sing songs to God. 

He made a heart with his hands. and directed it to God.

The audience said "Wow!  There's a king after God's own heart!"

 He also had lots of wives.

(Enter wives)

All his wives giggled as they flirted with him, saying "David is so manly!"

(Enter Joab, Soldiers, Uriah)

One day the commander of David's forces, Joab, came running in, saying "David, our enemies are attacking! Come lead us in battle!)

But David yawned, and said "I'm tired. You guys go ahead. Besides, you don't need me! You have Uriah!"

Uriah flexed his massive muscles, and said "I am a might warrior!"

David laughed and said "Yeah you are! You're the man!" And David gave Uriah a high five.

Then Joab led Uriah and the Soldiers into battle. They charged off the stage, yelling their battle cry.

(Exit Joab, Uriah, soldiers.)

David said "I think I'll go hang out on the roof of the palace for a bit." He began climbing the ladder to the roof, while his wives giggled, giving him his privacy.

(Exit wives, enter Bathsheba)

On the roof, David was looking around, when suddenly he saw Bathsheba on another rooftop. David said "Vavavoom! Who is that vision of loveliness?"

(Enter servant)

The servant said "That is Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah."

David said "Wow. How did he end up with a girl like that? Get her for me."

So the servant went to Bathsheba, and brought her to David.

Bathsheba genuflected before David and said "What can I do for you, your majesty?"

David whispered something in her ear.

But Bathsheba objected. "I'm married."

David shrugged, and said "Yeah, but your husbands not here, and I'm the king, so I get what I want."

(Clear the stage.)

Weeks passed.

(Enter David, Bathsheba)

Bathsheba said "David, I'm pregnant."

David looked alarmed. "With Uriah's baby?"

Bathsheba shook her head, and said. "Nope. Yours". Then she walked away.

(Exit Bathsheba)

David trembled. He said "Oh no! What am I going to do? Uriah will kill me when he finds out!  I'll have to make him think that the baby is his."

(Enter Servant)

David said "Servant, go get me Uriah from the war!"

So the servant ran off.

(Exit servant, Enter Uriah) 

Uriah said "You sent for me your majesty?"

David smiled, and put his arm around Uriah's soldiers like they were best buds. David said "Yes! Good to see you! How goes the battle?"

Uriah looked confused, but said "Good. I think we're gonna win. But I'm really needed on the front line."

David smiled and said "I bet you are! You are the best warrior we have. But you deserve a night off. Go home, spend the night with your wife, go back tomorrow!"

But Uriah said "No. I need to be in the battle like any good soldier. I can't get back there tonight, so tonight I'll sleep in the palace, as your personal body guard!"

David smiled, but inside he was freaking out. "Great, you do that!"

(Exit David, enter Joab, Soldiers)

The next day Uriah brought a letter to Joab from David. Joab read the letter, and he turned pale. But all he said was "Ok."

Joab took the soldiers aside and said quietly to them, so that Uriah wouldn't hear "When I yell charge, don't charge. I'm trying to trick, uh, the enemy."

So Joab, Uriah and the Soldiers all lined up for battle.

Joab yelled "Charge!"

Uriah and the Soldiers all gave their battle cry, but only Uriah charged.  Uriah ran ahead of the rest of the army, then turned back and said "Wait, what?"

But suddenly Uriah was hit by an enemy spear, and he died.

(Exit Joab, Uriah, Soldiers. Enter David and servant)

The Servant said "Your majesty, a letter from Joab." He handed David a scroll.

David read the letter, and breathed a sigh of relief. He announced "Uriah is dead. Guess I got away with it!  Guess I better marry Bathsheba and take care of her!"

(Enter Nathan)

But Nathan, the local prophet, entered and said "David, God knows that you took another mans wife, and killed the man. God will punish you!"

(Exit Nathan, servant)

David fell on his knees, and said "I'm sorry God! Please forgive me!" Then he wrote a song about how sorry he was.

David was a king after God's own heart. But David made some very serious mistakes. But afterwards, he repented, and even though there were consequences for his sins, his relationship with God was healed. 

Dominic Savio

 Dominic, mom, dad, parish priest, teacher, students (2), Don Bosco, doctor

(Enter Dominic, Mom, dad, priest)

One day, Dominic Savio came to church with his mom and dad. Dad said to the priest "We're wondering if Dominic can receive his first communion?"

The priest looked at Dominic. "How old are you son?"

Dominic said "7".

The priest shook his head "Sorry, you have to be 12."  (The rules have changed since then).

Dominic looked sad, so the priest said "You know, I've seen you praying so much, and you really understand the teachings of the church.  I think I can make an exception!"

Dominic was so happy! He said "I promise to go to Mass and Confession as often as I can, I'll celebrate Sundays and Feast Days, Jesus and Mary will be my friends, and I'll die rather than sin!"

(Exit priest, parents, enter students)

In school, Dominic excelled beyond the other students. One day when the teacher was out of the room, the other students took snow and garbage and put it into the woodstove.  

(Enter teacher) 

When the teacher found it, he/she was outraged!  The teacher said "Now I can't light the stove!  Who did this!  Whoever did will be expelled!"

The students all pointed at Dominic and said 'He did it!"

Dominic just hung his head as if guilty.

The Teacher scolded Dominic, saying "Well, you should be expelled, but since it was your first time, you won't be. But never do anything like that again!"

Dominic nodded.

(Exit students)

The next day, the teacher confronted Dominic again. The teacher said "So I understand you aren't actually the one who put stuff in the woodstove."

Dominic sighed "no".

The teacher said "Why didn't you tell me?"

Dominic said "I knew I wouldn't get in as much trouble as they would, I didn't want them to get expelled."

(Exit teacher, enter students.)

One day two of the students got into a fight. 

One student said "You want to go man?"

The other said "Don't get up in my grill!"

The audience started chanting "Fight, fight, fight, fight!"

Dominic ran over to them and said "Whoa break it up!"

The first student said "I'm going to break him up in a minute."

The audience said  "Oooh."

The second student said "Bring it tough guy."

The first student said "After school. Courtyard. Rockfight."

Dominic cried out in alarm "Rock fight?"

The second student said "That's right. We're gonna throw rocks at each other."

Dominic said "C'mon guys..."

But both student 1 and 2 said "I'll be there!"

After school all the students gathered in the courtyard for the rock fight. Student 1 and 2 started gathering rocks to throw.  But Dominic knelt between them, and held up a crucifix, and said "If you're going to fight, each of you throw the first rock at me."

The first student said "I'm not going to throw a rock at you!"

The second student said "Dominic, get out of the way!  We don't have anything against you!"

Dominic said "You won't throw rocks at me because I am innocent, but you would offend Christ by throwing rocks at each other?"

The two students were stricken. They said simultaneously "Fine! We won't fight!"

Then they came together in a big hug. They held onto each other and did not let go through the following dialogue.

(Enter teacher)

The teacher said "Really, they hugged? That seems over the top."

Dominic smiled, and said "They didn't really hug. We just wrote that into the script so the two actors would have to hug."

Students 1 and 2 stopped hugging, and shook their fists angrily at the narrator.

(Exit students, enter Don Bosco)

One day a priest called Don Bosco approached Dominic and said "Dominic, do you know what your name means?"

Dominic shrugged.

Don Bosco said "It means, Belongs to God!"

Dominic smiled "Well, I guess that's all the more reason for me to be a saint!"

But Don Bosco was sad.  "Dominic, I have to send you home."

Dominic was alarmed. "Why?"

Don Bosco said "You're too sick. You might get better at home."

Dominic hung his head. "Ok, I will obey."  Then he coughed, because he really was quite sick. "I'll never see you again."

Don Bosco laughed. "Dominic, you'll get better! Don't be so dramatic! You'll get better and come back to us!"

Dominic smiled, and said "It's Ok. I'm ready to die."

(Exit Don Bosco, enter Doctor)

The Doctor came and examined Dominic. The Doctor said "You have a bad cough. Here's what I recommend.  Let's cut your arms and let you bleed out all the bad blood, and then your body can make new blood and you'll be better!"

Dominic said "Ok, you're the doctor!"

So the doctor cut Dominic's arms, and allowed the blood to flow. But instead of getting better, Dominic got weaker, and died, only 14 years old.

St Dominic Savio- Pray for us!

Judah Maccabees

Alexander, 4 henchmen, Greek soldiers (4),  Jews (3), Mattathias, Judah, Simon, Eleazar, Jonathan, sell out, Elephants.

(Enter Alexander)

There once was a Greek man named Alexander.  

Alexander waved, but corrected the narrator, saying  "Uh, It's Alexander the Great, actually!"

The narrator cleared his/her throat, and started again. 

There once was a Greek man named Alexander the Great.

Alexander was...

Suddenly Alexander interrupted the narrator again, saying emphatically "The Great."

The audience collectively rolled their eyes, muttering "This is going to be a long skit."

Alexander the Great gathered his four henchman and said "Greek is the best culture in the world. We have the greatest philosophers, the greatest architects, and have you tasted our Souvlaki?"

The henchmen responded in the affirmative, all yelling "Opa!" 

Alexander the Great continued. "Let's go conquer everybody so the rest of the world can discover how fantastic we are!"

(Enter Greek Soldiers) So Alexander the Great, the henchmen and soldiers started riding all over the place, yipping and hollering and yelling "Opa" every time they killed someone. 

(Exit soldiers)

One day Alexander the Great gathered his henchman and said "I'm going to die now. Please share my empire amongst yourselves."

Then Alexander the Great died.

(Exit Alexander)

One of the henchmen said "I call dibs on Greece!"

Another said "I call Egypt"

A third said "I get Persia!"

The slowest of the henchmen, who was named Antiochus, whined. "Awe. What's left?"

The other henchmen shrugged and said "You can have Turkey."

Antiochus said "Ok, that's not so bad. Right on time for thanksgiving!"

So the three henchmen went on their way, while Antiochus called out "So long, fellers!"

(Exit 3 Henchmen, enter Greek soldiers)

Antiochus said to his soldiers "Alright, go make sure everyone is acting like good Greeks!"

(Exit Antiochus, Enter Jews)

But part of his region included Judea, where Jews are from.  The Greek Soldiers said "Everybody act Greek!  Go to the Gymnasium, worship Zeus, and eat Bacon."

But the Jews refused!  They said  "We will never eat swine flesh!"

So the Greeks cut off their hands and feet and fried them alive in giant woks. The Jews screamed and died.

(Exit Jews, enter Mattathias, Judah, Simon, Eleazar and Jonathan, sell out.)

The Greeks ordered Mattathias and his sons, saying "You are an important family!  Sacrifice to Zeus, and we'll give you loots of money, because if you do it everyone else will!"

But Mattathias said. "Never!  we will fight for the Jewish law!"

A sell out said "I'll do it!  Can I have the money?"

Mattathias screamed in outrage, and he took a sword, killed the sell out, and one of the Greeks.  Then he said "C'mon boys! Let's head for the hills!"

Then Mattathias died.

(Exit Mattathias, Enter Elephants)

The Greeks got elephants who trumpeted and reared up, and sucked water into their trunks and sprayed it at each other.  Each Greek rode on the back of an elephant.

The Greeks and the sons of Mattathias, called the Maccabeans, fought in a vicious battle. 

Eleazar pointed at one of the Elephants and said "That is the most impressive of all the animals!  I bet that's the king riding it!"  So Eleazar slid under the elephant, and stabbed it with his spear. The Elephant screamed an elephant scream, and collapsed on Eleazar, and both Eleazar and the Elephant died.

The rest of the Greeks gave up the fight, saying "Ok, Ok!  You guys can have your own kingdom!" and they ran away. (Exit Eleazar, Elephants and Greeks.)

The surviving Maccabeans cleaned the temple, rebuilt the altar, and Judah said "We should celebrate for eight days by playing with wooden tops called dreidels!"

And so the audience all together said "Happy Hannukah!"

Tobit

 Tobit, Ninevites (3), bird, Tobias, Sarah, Azariah, Fish, Asmodeus

(Enter Tobit, Ninevites)

There once was man named Tobit. Tobit lived in the city of Nineveh. The Ninevites were evil people, who slunk around hunch bakced, and eyed each other mischievously.  They plotted dastardly deeds, then laughed menacingly. Then they slunk away. 

(Exit Ninevites)

Tobit sighed. He said "Dear God, I've always been a faithful Jew. I went to the temple, I gave money to the poor, I even buried the dead!  How long must I live among these evil people?"

(Enter bird)

Suddenly a beautiful bird flew over head, chirping a merry bird song!  Tobit said "Thank you Lord!  What a beautiful bird!"

But then bird pooped in Tobits eye, laughed menacingly, and flew away.

(Exit bird)

Tobit said "Seriously? Now I'm blind!"

(Enter Tobias)

Tobit's son, Tobias, ran in, and seeing his dad, said "Dad! What can I do?"

Tobit said "If I'm blind, I can't work anymore. Go to Ecbatana. There's a man there that owes me money. You better go get it."

Tobias said "But I don't know the way!"

(Enter Azariah)

Suddenly Azariah came up, and said "Don't worry, I'll show you!"

Tobit looked confused. "Who are you?"

Azariah stuck out a hand for a handshake. "I'm Azariah, a random stranger who happened to be walking by on his his way to Ecbatana."

So Tobias and Azariah linked arms and skipped off. 

(Exit Tobit. Enter fish)

Soon, Tobias and Azariah came to a river.  As Tobias washed his feet, suddenly a fish in the river tried to eat his foot! Tobias screamed while the fish put his whole foot in his mouth!  But Tobias pulled the fish onto shore, and beat it to death.

Azariah said, "That was lucky! Save it's heart, gall, and liver. You never know when those things might come in handy!"

So Tobias cut out the organs of the fish, and threw it back into the water.

(Exit fish, enter Sarah)

When they got to Ecbatana,  there was Sarah.  Sarah was stunningly beautiful, and she walked around flitting her long hair, batting her eyelashes, and swiveling her hips.

Tobias was stunned. He asked Azariah "Who is that incredibly gorgeous woman?"

Azariah said "That's Sarah. She's your cousin, so you should marry her!"

Tobias nodded his head reverently, and said "Yeah, I should."

So immediately Tobias got down on one knee, and taking Sarah's hand in his own, he said "Sarah. You are the most beautiful woman in the whole world. Will you marry me?"  Then he kissed her hand, a prolonged and delicate kiss.

But Sarah withdrew her hand, and began to cry. She said "I wish I could marry you! But I've been married seven times, and every time my husband dies on our wedding night. People have accused me of murdering them!"

Tobias stood up. He said nervously "Oh... yeah that is weird. Who could accuse you of such a thing?"

Sarah shuddered. "It's not me! It's the demon, Asmodeus! He murders my husbands!"

Azariah nodded. "Oh yeah, don't worry about it, this kind of thing happens all the time! Tobias, here's what you should do. Marry her, but then that night, light some coals, and put the fish heart and liver, and burn it on the coals like incense. The smell will drive the demon away."

Sarah said "Yay, now we can be married!" And she grabbed Tobias by the arm, and looked lovingly into his eyes.

But Tobias said "This whole thing smells a little fishy to me, but, OK!".

(Exit Azariah)

So Tobias and Sarah were married!  That night, Tobias lit some coals, and put the fish heart and liver  on them.

(Enter Asmodeus)

Suddenly, Asmodeus entered. Asmodeus moved and spoke like Gollum from Lord of The Rings. Sarah pointed at him and said "Oh no! That's the demon!"

Asmodeus said "Yes, precious. I'm here to kill the fat one."

But Tobias took the fish part incense, and waved it in front of Asmodeus, saying "Get out foul creature!"

Asmodeus shrieked when he smelled the fish.  "You tricked us!  Wicked, tricksy Tobitses!"  Then he crawled away. 

Tobias called after him "I'm Tobias actually, Tobit is my dad."

(Enter Azariah) But Azariah chased Asmodeus, and tied him up, so he couldn't hurt anyone again.

(Exit Asmodeus) 

Sarah and Tobias hugged, and looking into each others eyes, they said in unison, "I love you!" 

Azariah said "I told you those fish parts would come in handy! But guess what? The gall is also good, because it can cure blindness!"

Tobias looked shocked. "Then what are we waiting for! Let's go!"

The three friends linked arms and skipped back to Nineveh.

(Enter Tobit)

When Tobit heard them coming, he said "Is that you Tobias? You took so long, I thought maybe something bad had happened to you!"

But Tobias took the fish gall and smeared it on his dad's eyes. 

Tobit opened his eyes and said "I can see! It's a miracle!"

Tobias turned to Azariah and said "Who are you? Everything you said came true!"

Azariah smiled. "I'm not actually a human. I'm an angel!  My name is Raphael."

Tobias laughed as he shook his head. "Cool, but, rude."

And all four of them laughed heartily at the joke.

 

Judith

King Nebuchadnezzar (M), Holofornes(M), soldiers (3), people (2), Achior (M),  Jews (3), Elders (2), Judith (f)

King Nebuchadnezzar was a nasty tyrant.  He said "Everyone everywhere should serve and worship me!"

The soldiers cheered and said "Sir, yes sir!"

Holofornes spoke up. "Sir, I propose that we conquer every city and town from here to Damascus to Egypt, and we destroy all of their temples, and kill them if they resist."

Nebuchadnezzar stroked his beard. He said "I like the way you think!  I love killing people!"

So Holofornes led the soldiers in a slow march west.

(Exit Nebuchadnezzar, enter the people.)

Everywhere they went, the people cheered for them and welcomed them.  The people looked a little embarrassed as they did it, but they shrugged and said "Otherwise they'll kill us!"

(enter Achior)

Achior ran up to Holofernes and fell on his knees, trembling. In a shaky voice he said "Sir, there's one group of people who refuse to obey you!"

The audience gasped.

 Achior went on.  "They are called the Jews. They're God defeated Egypt. They think their God will save them!"

Holofernes shouted "What?  There is no God but Nebuchadnezzar!"  Then he ordered his soldiers "Beat this man for bringing me bad news!"

The soldiers beat Achior, who cried out for mercy.

Then Holofornes said "Surround the towns of the Jews!  Stop them from getting any water!  Then we'll see how long they last!"

Holofornes, the soldiers, and the people all shared in a menacing laugh.

(Exit everyone. Enter Jews and elders)

Soon the Jews ran out of water.  They fainted from thirst, and dragged their bodies on the ground, saying "Water, water!"

The Jews went to the elders and said "Let's give up!  It would be better to be the slaves of Nebuchadnezzar than to watch our families die of thirst!"

But the elders said. "God will fight for us!  Let's wait 5 days and see if He sends rain. If after 5 days there is still no rain, then we'll give up!"

(Enter Judith)

Suddenly everyone fell silent as Judith stepped onto stage. Judith was the most beautiful woman anyone had ever seen!  Everyone in the audience said in awed admiration "Wow... she's so beautiful!"

But Judith was not happy. She went to the elders and said "You put God to the test?  You put a timeline on Him? Think He'll just show up when you want him to?"  Then she snapped her fingers three times and said "Oh no you didn't!"

The elders cried, saying "What were we supposed to do?"

Judith put her hand on her hip and sighed loudly in disgust. She said "I have a plan. Don't ask me what it is. But I will show you that God will defeat your enemies."  

(Exit elders and Jews)

So that night Judith put on her nicest outfit, her best jewelry, her finest makeup, and did her hair beautifully. She also put on perfume. She looked at herself in the mirror and said "Girl!  If looks could kill..."  then she winked at the audience and said "Maybe they can!"

(Enter soldiers)

Judith snuck out of her city, and walked towards her enemies. When they saw her coming, one soldier said "Wow, do you see that?"

Another said "Who is that vision of loveliness?"

A third one just gawked, eyes wide open, and said "Hubba hubba!"

Judith said "I surrender to you babylonians!"

(Enter Holofornes)

So the soldiers brought Judith to Holofornes, and she said "Oh, mighty Holofornes, I surrender to you!  I know my people don't stand a chance against you!"

Holofornes took one look, and said "Wow, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on!"

Judith giggled and said "You're not so bad yourself, you big hunk of a man!"  Then she felt his muscles and said "oooh."

Holofornes looked at his soldiers and said "Gentlemen, please give us some privacy. I want to speak to this woman alone."

So the soldiers left. 

(Exit soldiers)

Holofornes looked at Judith and said "Would you like some wine?"

Judith batted her eyes and said "I would love some. This is the happiest day of my life!"

So Holofornes and Judith began drinking wine. Judith only took small sips, giggling and flirting the whole time.  But Holofornes drank and drank, until he was so drunk he collapsed on the floor, dead asleep!

Judith said "Ew, about time!"

Then taking a sword from off the wall, she prayed "God, give me strength!"She struck his neck twice with all her might, and chopped off his head.  Then she picked up his head by the hair, and put it in her lunch bag.  She returned home to her people.

(exit Holofornes, enter elders and Jews)

When the Elders saw her they said "Thank God you're alive!"

Judith said "Look what I brought you!" and took the head of Holofornes out of her lunch bag.

When the Jews saw it, they all cheered, and played soccer with it!

(Enter soldiers)

When the soldiers realized their general was defeated by a woman, they became terrified. The Jews said "Let's get them!" and they chased the soldiers away.

(Exit Jews, Soldiers.)

The elders said to Judith "You are the glory of Jerusalem!" and they all did a little dance.

 

Daniel

 Daniel, Zedekiah, Zedekiah's kids (2), Jeremiah, Babylonians (3), Nebuchadnezzar, Belshazzar, Persians, (3) Darius, lions (3)

(Enter Zedekiah, Zedekiah's kids and Jeremiah)

There once was a king called Zedekiah.  One day the prophet Jeremiah came to him crying, and said "Oh king!  The Babylonians are going to come and destroy you!

But Zedekiah shrugged and said "I doubt it."

(Enter Babylonians)  

So the Babylonians invaded, and they captured Zedekiah's children, forcing him to watch as they killed his children before his eyes. Then they gouged his eyes out.  Then they took Jeremiah and Zedekiah as hostages.

(Exit Jeremiah, Zedekiah, Zedekiah's kids. Enter Daniel, Nebuchadnezzar)

One of the other hostages they took to Babylon was a guy called Daniel.  Daniel was very wise.  One day, King Nebuchadnezzar said "I had a really weird dream, and unless my wise men can tell me what I dreamt and what it means, I'm going to put them all to death!"

The audience gasped.

But Daniel said "I can tell you!  You dreamt about a big statue, and it represents your empire, the Persians, the Greeks, and... someone else."

The king was flabbergasted!  He said "Daniel, you're so wise!  You are the wisest wise of the wise.  Oh by the way, I was going to burn up three of your friends in my furnace, but they didn't burn, so I let them go!"

Daniel smiled and said "Thank you!"

Nebuchadnezzar said "Don't mention it." Then he went crazy, crawling around on the ground, mooing and eating grass like a cow. Then he got better. Then he died.

(Exit Nebuchadnezzar, Enter Belshazzar.)

After that the king of the Babylonians was Belshazzar. He threw a big party, and all the Babylonians got drunk. Belshazzar said like a game show announcer "Tonights party dishes were brought to you by, the Temple.  If you're going to pillage, pillage the temple."

Suddenly, Belshazzar shrieked in terror. He pointed to a place on the wall. All the other Babylonians shrieked too. Belshazzar described what he saw, saying "There's a flying dismembered hand over there!  It's writing something! What does it say?"

Daniel said "Your majesty, it says that your going to die and your kingdom will be taken from you."

Belshazzar said "Thank you Daniel!  You are the wisest of the wise!"

(Enter the Persians)

Suddenly the Persians ran in and killed all the Babylonians and Belshazzar.

(Exit Babylonians, Belshazzar. Enter Darius)

Darius looked around and said "Good work boys!  I'm in charge now!"

But the Persians said "But your majesty, this man Daniel refuses to stop worshipping God and worship you instead!"

Darius looked annoyed, and said "Well that's dumb. What should we do?"

The Persians said "Feed him to the lions!" 

(Enter the lions)

So the Persians grabbed Daniel and threw him into the lions den.  But instead of eating him, the lions just meowed like cats, and licked his face.

Darius said "Obviously Daniel's God is legit. Get him out of there!" 

Daniel came out of the lions den, and gave Darius a big hug.

Then Darius threw the Persians into the lions den, and the lions ate them.  

(Exit Lions, Persians)

Darius said "Daniel, you are the wisest of the wise."

Daniel said "Thanks, king!  I'm so glad I can be one of your magi!  By the way, did you know that in about 490 years the Jewish Messiah will come and rule forever?"

Darius said "Sounds like a plan!  I look forward to it!"

The end.

David

Philistines (3), Israelites (3), Saul, Goliath, David, singing women

(Enter the Philistines and the Israelites) 

The Philistines and the Israelites were at war. The two armies faced each other ready to do battle.  The Philistines gave their war cry.  The Israelites gave their war cry.

Then the insults started.

The Philistines said "Our god is bigger than your God!"

The audience said "oooh."

The Israelites said "Oh yeah? Our God created the universe!"

The Philistines said "So why are you scared to fight us? Scared of Dagon?"

Dagon was the name of their god. He was a mermaid with a beard.

The Israelites said "The only person scared of your Dagon is Sebastien the crab!"

The audience jumped to their feet, yelling "Oh burn."

Once they settled down, the Philistines said "Tell you what.  Instead of us all killing each other, how bout if we each send out our biggest guy, and they'll fight, and whoever wins, wins the whole war!"

(Enter Saul)

The Israelites looked to their king, Saul.  Saul was a pretty big guy. He flexed his arms, and kissed his muscles.  He said "Let's do this!"

The Philistines all laughed, and then called "Oh, Goliath!"

(Enter Goliath)

Goliath was huge!  He was 9 feet tall.  The earth shook as he walked.  He called in a deep voice "Who will fight me?"

Saul peed his pants. He looked at the Israelites and said "So? Who's gonna fight him? However does can marry my daughter!"

(Enter David)

David was just a little guy, too young and too small for the army. But he said "I'll fight him!"

So David approached Goliath and said "This day God will help me defeat you!"

Goliath said "Oh Yeah?" and swung his sword.  But David put a rock in a sling, swung it around, and released. Goliath was struck in the head, and he fell flat on his face.

David grabbed Goliaths' sword, chopped Goliaths' head off, and held it up, while doing his own war cry.  After that the Philistines were defeated!

(Exit Philistines, enter singing women)

 When the warriors came back to the city, the singing women sang "Saul is a mighty warrior, but David is better still."

When David flexed his muscles, the singing women all giggled and squeezed them saying "You're so manly!"

After Saul died, David became king.  He was the greatest king Israel ever had.