David

Philistines (3), Israelites (3), Saul, Goliath, David, singing women

(Enter the Philistines and the Israelites) 

The Philistines and the Israelites were at war. The two armies faced each other ready to do battle.  The Philistines gave their war cry.  The Israelites gave their war cry.

Then the insults started.

The Philistines said "Our god is bigger than your God!"

The audience said "oooh."

The Israelites said "Oh yeah? Our God created the universe!"

The Philistines said "So why are you scared to fight us? Scared of Dagon?"

Dagon was the name of their god. He was a mermaid with a beard.

The Israelites said "The only person scared of your Dagon is Sebastien the crab!"

The audience jumped to their feet, yelling "Oh burn."

Once they settled down, the Philistines said "Tell you what.  Instead of us all killing each other, how bout if we each send out our biggest guy, and they'll fight, and whoever wins, wins the whole war!"

(Enter Saul)

The Israelites looked to their king, Saul.  Saul was a pretty big guy. He flexed his arms, and kissed his muscles.  He said "Let's do this!"

The Philistines all laughed, and then called "Oh, Goliath!"

(Enter Goliath)

Goliath was huge!  He was 9 feet tall.  The earth shook as he walked.  He called in a deep voice "Who will fight me?"

Saul peed his pants. He looked at the Israelites and said "So? Who's gonna fight him? However does can marry my daughter!"

(Enter David)

David was just a little guy, too young and too small for the army. But he said "I'll fight him!"

So David approached Goliath and said "This day God will help me defeat you!"

Goliath said "Oh Yeah?" and swung his sword.  But David put a rock in a sling, swung it around, and released. Goliath was struck in the head, and he fell flat on his face.

David grabbed Goliaths' sword, chopped Goliaths' head off, and held it up, while doing his own war cry.  After that the Philistines were defeated!

(Exit Philistines, enter singing women)

 When the warriors came back to the city, the singing women sang "Saul is a mighty warrior, but David is better still."

When David flexed his muscles, the singing women all giggled and squeezed them saying "You're so manly!"

After Saul died, David became king.  He was the greatest king Israel ever had. 

Noah

God,  Noah, Joan, Shem, Ham, Japeth, Shem's wife, Ham's wife, Japeth's wife, evildoers

(Enter evildoers)

Once upon a time, the earth was full of evildoers.  One of the evildoers said "I prefer to think of myself as a ne'erdowell." 

The evildoers spent their days doing evil and plotting mischief.  

(Enter God)

One day God walked in, and said "I've had it up to here with you guys!  I'm going to flood the whole earth and start over!"

But the evildoers just laughed, and walked away, plotting their dastardly deeds.

(Exit evildoers, Enter Noah)

So God went to Noah and said "Because you are righteous..."

Noah spoke like a 1980's surfer and said "Righteous".

God continued "I want you to build an ark."

Noah said "An ark?  Like a treasure chest?"

God said "Yes, but a really big one. Big enough to hold two of every animal!  And make it water tight, so it'll float."

Noah said "Why not just call it a boat?"

God said "Because, it's to hold treasure!  You're the treasure!  The animals are the treasure..."

Noah said "Okeydokey". God left.

(Exit God, enter Joan, Shem, Ham, Japeth, wives)

So Noah told his family "God is going to flood the earth, but he wants to save us. So we're going to build a giant boat."

From offstage God yelled "Ark!"

Noah turned to his wife Joan and said "From now on you will be known as Joan of Ark."

Joan said sarcastically "Ha ha, very funny!"

Ham turned to his wife and said "And you will be known as Swiss."

Ham's wife said "I don't get it."

Ham said "You've never heard of ham and swiss?"

From offstage God said "I wonder if I can find a different righteous family to work with."

But Noah and his family got to work, building the giant boat, er, ark.

(Enter evildoers)

The evildoers scoffed at them, saying "Are you crazy?  We're in the desert!  Why do you need a boat?"

Noah said "It's an ark, actually"

(Exit evildoers)

When the ark was finished, Noah put two of every animal on his ark. 

(Poll the audience- what kind of animals should we have? If a kid picks an animal, invite them to be that animal on the ark)

Then the rains came. It rained for 40 days and nights. The ark rose and fell on the waves, with all the people and animals going up and down and losing their balance. Some even got sea sick!  All the animals started acting crazy, so Noah yelled "Quiet!"  

The animals looked a little sheepish. Except the sheep. They looked roughly the same.

Finally after 150 days, the ark came to rest on top of mount ararat. Everyone came off the ark and kissed dry ground. Then Ham's wife pointed to the sky and said "Look at all the colours!"

They all looked at the beautiful rainbow. God said "That is my sign that I will always be faithful to you."

Passover

 Pharaoh, Moses, Slaves (6) , Soldiers (2), Hotep, Hoy,  death

Egypt was once the most powerful nation in all the world.  The man in charge was named Pharaoh.

(Enter Pharaoh)

Pharaoh swaggered around, flexing his muscles, saying “I am the most powerful man in the world!  I have the most powerful kingdom in the world!  And I have the biggest sphynx! Hebrew slaves!  Build me a pyramid!”

(Enter slaves)

The slaves said, “But we don’t want to!”

Pharaoh said “Guards!!!”

(Enter guards)

The guards came in, cracking their whips, and their knuckles.

The slaves said “Yessir, right away sir!”  and they immediately made a human pyramid.

(Enter Moses)

Moses said “Hello, Pharaoh”

Pharaoh said “Oh look, my long lost brother!  Well, not really my brother, since you turned out to be a Hebrew Slave, but you were raised in the palace…”

Moses said “You know the word Hebrew just means slave right? So saying Hebrew slave is redundant.”

Pharaoh said “You can say that again!”

The narrator paused to give the audience time to get the joke.

Then Moses said “The God of the Hebrews came to me, and he orders you to let his people go.”

Pharaoh laughed. The soldiers laughed. The audience laughed.

Finally Pharaoh wiped away a tear, and said ;

“God who? Who wants me to completely destroy my economy?”

Moses said “His name is “I am who I am.””

Pharaoh said “Oh. Uh, call in the priests”

(Enter Hotep, Hoy)

Pharaoh said “Do we have any gods powerful enough to take on “I am who I am?””

Hotep said “Certainly!  We have gods of the Nile, frog gods, weather gods, livestock gods”

But for every so-called god of the Egyptians, God sent a plague.  (Plague sound effects provided by the audience.)  The Nile turned to blood, there was a plague of frogs, it hailed fire, all the livestock died…

Hoy said “Don’t forget Ra!  He’s the most powerful god in the world- the sun god!”

But then there was a plague of darkness. All the Egyptians groped around saying “who turned out the lights?”  But the Hebrews could see, as they were still in the light!

Moses clapped his hands twice, and the lights came back on. Pharaoh said- “Wow, you should patent that!”

Then Moses said “Pharaoh, you’ve seen the power of my God.  My God is the true God, and more powerful than any of your imaginary gods!  You need to repent, and let my people go!”

But Pharaoh got mad and said “Well, he’s not more powerful than me!  I have the power over life and death!”  Then he pointed an angry finger in Moses face and said “Don’t mess with me. I have one more god- Anubis, the god of Death…”  Then he laughed maniacally.

Then he and the other Egyptians stormed out.

(exit soldiers, priests, Pharaoh)

The Hebrews said “Moses, what have you done?  He’ll kill us all!”

But Moses said “Death will come, but not for us.  God will save us, and death will Passover us.”

So at Moses’ instructions, the Hebrews ate a meal of unleavened bread, wine, and lambs meat. And they painted the lambs’ blood on their doors.

(Enter Egyptians)

That night everybody went to sleep, snoring quietly.

(Enter Death)

But while they slept, death came.  Death went to the houses of the Egyptians, tiptoeing around and in every home they lost their first son.  But when Death came to the house of the Hebrews, he saw the Lambs blood, and he passed over them.

The next morning when they woke up, all the Egyptians were crying and hugging each other.

Moses went to Pharaoh, and said “I’m very sorry about your loss… but about our freedom…”

Pharaoh said “You and your people may go.”

All the Hebrews gave each other high fives, and started walking away, as the Egyptians hung their heads in sadness. 

(exit Egyptians.)

The Hebrews came to the Red Sea, and said “It’s beautiful!”

But one Hebrew said “I thought he said it would be red…”

(Enter Pharaoh)

Suddenly Pharaoh said “It will be.”

The audience gasped!

(enter soldiers)

Pharaoh said “Kill them!”

The soldiers started moving towards the Hebrews in super slow motion.

The Hebrews cried out “How will we escape?”

Moses put his staff in the water, and the sea parted. The Hebrews ran across to safety. Then the sea rushed back, as Pharaoh and his army sang the Little Mermaids “Under the Sea.”

The Hebrews celebrated their freedom.