David

Philistines (3), Israelites (3), Saul, Goliath, David, singing women

(Enter the Philistines and the Israelites) 

The Philistines and the Israelites were at war. The two armies faced each other ready to do battle.  The Philistines gave their war cry.  The Israelites gave their war cry.

Then the insults started.

The Philistines said "Our god is bigger than your God!"

The audience said "oooh."

The Israelites said "Oh yeah? Our God created the universe!"

The Philistines said "So why are you scared to fight us? Scared of Dagon?"

Dagon was the name of their god. He was a mermaid with a beard.

The Israelites said "The only person scared of your Dagon is Sebastien the crab!"

The audience jumped to their feet, yelling "Oh burn."

Once they settled down, the Philistines said "Tell you what.  Instead of us all killing each other, how bout if we each send out our biggest guy, and they'll fight, and whoever wins, wins the whole war!"

(Enter Saul)

The Israelites looked to their king, Saul.  Saul was a pretty big guy. He flexed his arms, and kissed his muscles.  He said "Let's do this!"

The Philistines all laughed, and then called "Oh, Goliath!"

(Enter Goliath)

Goliath was huge!  He was 9 feet tall.  The earth shook as he walked.  He called in a deep voice "Who will fight me?"

Saul peed his pants. He looked at the Israelites and said "So? Who's gonna fight him? However does can marry my daughter!"

(Enter David)

David was just a little guy, too young and too small for the army. But he said "I'll fight him!"

So David approached Goliath and said "This day God will help me defeat you!"

Goliath said "Oh Yeah?" and swung his sword.  But David put a rock in a sling, swung it around, and released. Goliath was struck in the head, and he fell flat on his face.

David grabbed Goliaths' sword, chopped Goliaths' head off, and held it up, while doing his own war cry.  After that the Philistines were defeated!

(Exit Philistines, enter singing women)

 When the warriors came back to the city, the singing women sang "Saul is a mighty warrior, but David is better still."

When David flexed his muscles, the singing women all giggled and squeezed them saying "You're so manly!"

After Saul died, David became king.  He was the greatest king Israel ever had. 

Noah

God,  Noah, Joan, Shem, Ham, Japeth, Shem's wife, Ham's wife, Japeth's wife, evildoers

(Enter evildoers)

Once upon a time, the earth was full of evildoers.  One of the evildoers said "I prefer to think of myself as a ne'erdowell." 

The evildoers spent their days doing evil and plotting mischief.  

(Enter God)

One day God walked in, and said "I've had it up to here with you guys!  I'm going to flood the whole earth and start over!"

But the evildoers just laughed, and walked away, plotting their dastardly deeds.

(Exit evildoers, Enter Noah)

So God went to Noah and said "Because you are righteous..."

Noah spoke like a 1980's surfer and said "Righteous".

God continued "I want you to build an ark."

Noah said "An ark?  Like a treasure chest?"

God said "Yes, but a really big one. Big enough to hold two of every animal!  And make it water tight, so it'll float."

Noah said "Why not just call it a boat?"

God said "Because, it's to hold treasure!  You're the treasure!  The animals are the treasure..."

Noah said "Okeydokey". God left.

(Exit God, enter Joan, Shem, Ham, Japeth, wives)

So Noah told his family "God is going to flood the earth, but he wants to save us. So we're going to build a giant boat."

From offstage God yelled "Ark!"

Noah turned to his wife Joan and said "From now on you will be known as Joan of Ark."

Joan said sarcastically "Ha ha, very funny!"

Ham turned to his wife and said "And you will be known as Swiss."

Ham's wife said "I don't get it."

Ham said "You've never heard of ham and swiss?"

From offstage God said "I wonder if I can find a different righteous family to work with."

But Noah and his family got to work, building the giant boat, er, ark.

(Enter evildoers)

The evildoers scoffed at them, saying "Are you crazy?  We're in the desert!  Why do you need a boat?"

Noah said "It's an ark, actually"

(Exit evildoers)

When the ark was finished, Noah put two of every animal on his ark. 

(Poll the audience- what kind of animals should we have? If a kid picks an animal, invite them to be that animal on the ark)

Then the rains came. It rained for 40 days and nights. The ark rose and fell on the waves, with all the people and animals going up and down and losing their balance. Some even got sea sick!  All the animals started acting crazy, so Noah yelled "Quiet!"  

The animals looked a little sheepish. Except the sheep. They looked roughly the same.

Finally after 150 days, the ark came to rest on top of mount ararat. Everyone came off the ark and kissed dry ground. Then Ham's wife pointed to the sky and said "Look at all the colours!"

They all looked at the beautiful rainbow. God said "That is my sign that I will always be faithful to you."