Manoah, wife, angel, Samson, Lion, foxes (2) Philistines (4) Israelite (2), Delilah
(Enter Manoah, Wife)
There once was a man named Manoah. One day his wife came to him, grabbed him by the shirt, and said "I wanna have a baby!"
But Manoah shook her off and said "Listen woman. You're never gonna have a baby. You're barren!"
So his wife started to cry.
(Enter Angel)
Suddenly an angel appeared to her and said "You're gonna have a baby! But he has to be dedicated to God. He can never drink alcohol, and never cut his hair."
She said "What kind of baby drinks alcohol?"
The angel said "I mean for his whole life!"
Then the angel disappeared.
(Exit angel)
Manoah said "Wow, we just saw God! Now we're gonna die!"
His wife said "I think if God meant to kill us, we'd be dead already. Oh my, I'm having a baby"
(Enter Samson)
Suddenly, Samson was born! He said "Thank you mother, for birthing me."
Samson grew up to be super buff, with long flowing hair. He flexed his massive muscles. All the girls in the audience said "He's so dreamy!"
Manoah said "He gets it from his dad."
His wife said "Oh please, he gets it from God!"
(Exit Manoah, wife. Enter Lion)
One day, Samson was attacked by a lion. But Samson tore the lion apart, limb by limb, leaving its corpse on the ground.
Some time later he noticed a beehive in the corpse of the lion. He tasted the honey and said "Delicious!"
(Exit Lion, enter foxes)
Now in that area, there were Philistines who lorded it over the Israelites. They weren't very nice. So to get revenge, Samson tied two foxes together, and tied a torch between them, and set them free in a Philistine wheat field. The foxes ran around, saying what foxes say, burning all the crops. Then Samson ran away and hid in a cave.
(Exit foxes, Enter Philistines, Israelites)
The Philistines looked around at their burned out fields, shaking their fists and saying "Who did this?" They looked accusingly at the Israelites.
The Israelites said "We didn't do it!"
The shortest philistine said "I bet it was your boy Samson".
The tallest philistine said "bring us Samson, tied up!"
The oldest philistine said "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!"
The best looking philistine said "Now go!"
So the Israelites went and found Samson, and tied him up, and brought him to the Philistines.
The strongest philistine said "So Samson, what do you have to say for yourself now?"
Samson said "You better stand back". Then flexing his massive muscles, he burst the ropes that bound him, picked up the jawbone of a donkey, and killed all the philistines.
(exit philistines)
The Israelites cheered! They said "Yay Samson! You are so strong!"
The girls in the audience said "And dreamy!"
(Enter Delilah)
Delilah said "I'll say!"
The audience said "Who are you?"
Delilah said "I'm Delilah, the prettiest girl around!". Then she flipped her hair, batted her eyes, and took a selfie.
The boys in the audience said "Vavavoom!"
Delilah walked up to Samson, and traced her finger along the lines of his pecks and his washboard abs. Samson said "hubba hubba!"
The Israelites discreetly left the stage.
(exit Israelites)
Delilah said "Now, you big hunk of a man. Why don't you tell little old Delilah the secret of your strength?"
Samson said "Duhhh- it's my hair. My hair is a symbol of my dedication to God. If I ever cut it my strength would leave me!"
That night while Samson slept, Delilah cut his hair, and tied him up. Then she yelled "Samson, your enemies are upon you!"
Samson jumped up, and flexed his muscles to break the ropes... but they wouldn't break!
He looked at Delilah and said "How could you?"
Delilah said "Didn't I tell you sweetheart? I'm a philistine!"
(Enter the philistines)
In ran the philistines! These were not the same philistines that Samson had killed earlier. They just looked very similar.
The smartest philistine said "Now we've got you!"
The philistines grabbed Samson, poked his eyes out, and tied him to a stone in a mill, where he was made to walk in circles all day, grinding wheat into flour.
One day, the philistines said "Let's throw a party, in honour of our god, Dagon!"
Now Dagon was a statue of a merman with a big black beard. So the Philistines honoured it by singing "Under da sea" from the little Mermaid.
Then the evilest of the philistines said "Let's get Samson and make fun of him!"
So they tied Samson between two pillars, and the audience all made fun of him, saying things like "Who's strong now? " and "Nice haircut, buzz!"
Delilah whispered in Samsons' ear "I still think you're a gorgeous hunk."
Samson said "Dear God, sorry I screwed up! My hair is growing back. Can I have my strength back now?"
Samson felt his strength return, so he flexed his muscles, pulling the pillars in wards. The audience screamed as the ceiling fell on them, and everyone died.
