Thomas the apostle

St Thomas

Thomas, Jesus, Romans (2), Disciples (4), Mary, Indians (3), 3 wise men

(Enter Thomas, Jesus, Disciples) 

Thomas was one of the twelve apostles.  The apostles were the important disciples of Jesus who followed him around everywhere, and imitated everything that Jesus did.  Some times Jesus would do ridiculous things to see if the disciples would imitate him-  and of course, the disciples would.

(Enter Romans)

 One day, Romans caught Jesus, and killed him, Nailing him to a cross!

(Exit Romans, Jesus, Thomas, enter Mary)

  After that the disciples were very afraid!  They would all lock themselves into a big room, and not let anyone in unless they did the secret knock.  One day, while Thomas wasn’t there, Mary, the Mother of Jesus came to the room the disciples were in, and did the secret knock.  The disciples let her in, saying “Are you sure you weren’t followed?”  Then they locked the door behind her. 

Suddenly Jesus walked through the wall.  The disciples all yelled “It’s a ghost!”  Some of them even peed their pants.  But Jesus breathed on them and said “Peace!  I’m not a ghost.”  Then taking some fish, he ate it in front of them saying “See?  If I was a ghost, this chewed up fish would be falling through my body onto the ground!”  

Then Jesus disappeared.

The audience said "Whoa"

(Enter Thomas)

A few minutes later, Thomas came and did the secret knock.  The disciples let him in, and said “Where were you?  Jesus is alive, and he appeared to us!”

Thomas said “Yeah Right.  I need proof. To believe that I would have to put my finger in the holes in his hands, and my hand into the hole in his side!”

(Enter Jesus)

Suddenly Jesus appeared again.   Thomas peed his pants.  Jesus said “Here, put your finger in the hole in my hands, and your hand into the hole in my side!”

Thomas said “Uhhh… I’m good, actually.”  Then he fell down and worshiped Jesus, saying “My Lord and my God!”

Jesus said “You believe because you had proof.  Blessed are those who believe without proof! Then Jesus went up to Heaven.

(Exit Jesus, Thomas)

A while later, when Thomas was out again, Mary died.  The disciples were very sad, since she was like a mom to them.  But then they left her dead body and went home.  

(Exit Disciples)
When Thomas got there, he saw Mary’s dead body come back to life, and go up to Heaven!  And as she left she dropped her girdle!  

(Exit Mary, Enter Disciples)

So Thomas told all the other disciples “I just saw Mary come back to life and go into the sky!  She must have gone to Heaven!”

The other disciples said “That’s quite the assumption!” 

The audience laughed at the joke, except the ones who didn’t get it.  Nobody bothered to explain it to them.

(Exit disciples, enter wise men)

Thomas went to India.  As he was walking, he passed the three wise men, who were singing “We three kings, of orient are….”  

Thomas said “Hi”

The wise men said “Hi.”  And they went on their way.

(Exit wise men, enter Indians)

In India, Thomas baptized many Indians.  He built churches and turned some Indians into Bishops.  But then someone killed him by throwing a spear at him.

There are still Christians in southern India to this day who’s Church was founded by Thomas! 

St Thomas the Apostle-  Pray for us!

Monica

St Monica

Monica, Patricius, 2 women, Augustine, Drunk friends (4, some boys and girls), Manicheans (Man- E-key-ans) (3), Bishop

(Enter Monica and Patricius)

There once was a woman named Monica of Hippo.  She was married to a man named Patricius.  While Monica was a Christian and worshiped Jesus, doing things like going to Mass and making the sign of the Cross,  Patricius was a pagan, and he worshiped Jupiter, doing things like offering incense and bowing before a statue saying You are so mighty and powerful!  Do not smite me oh Jupiter!"  

Monica said "I'm pretty sure Jupiter is just a gas giant." But Patricius ignored her.

  Monica was always polite, and worked hard, and tried to be holy.  Patricius would get mad, and say “Oh, do you have to be so good all the time?  It’s not fun!”  Some times Patricius would go into a rage, jumping around and yelling and breaking things.  Monica would just stay out of his way! 

(Enter 2 women)

 At other times, Patricius would cheat on Monica with other women. One day Monica saw Patricius, and he had 2 women with him, one on each arm. Monica said “Excuse me?  And who are these floozies?” 

The women snapped their fingers three times, and said “Oh no you didn’t.”

Patricius said “Monica of Hippo, I would like you to meet these two floozies… er, I mean, women… who are also my lovers.  Monica of Hippo, this is Barbara of Rhino and Silvia of Ring-Tailed Lemur.”

Monica said “Patricius, I am your wife.  Send these women away!” 

So Patricius sent them away, but as they were leaving he said “I’ll look you up on Facebook!” 

(Exit women)

 Then Patricius said to Monica “Boy Monica, this isn’t like you.  You usually just put up with my floozies.  What’s wrong?”

Monica said “I’m having a baby.”  Suddenly, Augustine was born. 

(Enter Augustine)

Augustine greeted his parents, saying “Hello Mother.  Hello Father.  I am your new infant son.”

Monica said “Let’s get him baptized!”

Patricius said “No!”

Augustine said “I think I’m dying!”  Then he started spasming and fell to the ground.

Monica said “Please Patricius!  He must be baptized before he dies!”

Patricius said “Oh, all right.”

But at that moment Augustine stood up again and said “I got better!”

Patricius said “Oh good, no need to baptize you after all!”

Monica said “Seriously?” 

Then Patricius died.  (Exit Patricius)

Augustine grew up,and was a lot like his dad.  Augustine said “Mom, my philosophy in life is to be as selfish as possible, and have fun and get drunk all the time!”

(Enter drunk friends)

Augustine’s drunken friends said “Party!”  and started dancing. Then Augustine chose the most attractive girl from among his friends, and brought her to his mom saying "Oh by the way, Mom, this is my new girlfriend-  Cecilia of Zebra!”

Monica said “Whatever happened to Beatrice of Orangutan?”

Augustine said “Seriously?  I broke up with her like 2 weeks ago, when I started dating Phoebe of Chimpanzee, who I broke up with for Helen of Wombat.”

Monica said “Please Jesus, may my son have a conversion!”

(Exit drunk friends including Cecilia of Zebra)

Sometime later Augustine came to Monica and said “Good news, mom!  I had a conversion!”

Monica said “Praise the Lord!”

Augustine said “I joined the Manicheans (Man-E-key-ans)!”

The Manicheans all rushed on to stage and joined Augustine. 

Augustine said “We believe that the soul is good, but the body is evil.  We believe that it is holy to eat beans, and to release their spirits from their bodies in the form of farts!  Hit it, boys!”

So Augustine and the Manicheans started farting to the tune of the Alleluia Chorus.

Monica started crying, saying "And I thought Patricius worshiped a gas giant! Please, Lord, make it stop!”

(Enter Bishop, Exit Manicheans)

An unnamed Bishop came and said “Fear not Monica!  Your tears will not be wasted!”

Augustine finally did become Catholic in the end, and the Bishop baptized him.  Then his mom hugged him, and then she died.

St Monica-  Pray for us!

St Andre Bessette

St Andre

Andre, brothers and sisters (5), dad, mom, priest, head of the congregation, sick people (2) , more sick people (5), monks (3).

(Enter Andre)

Andre was originally called Alfred.  He lived near Montreal, so he always said things with a French Canadian accent.   He would say things like “I lurve to eat my Poutine, eh?”  and “Celine Dion’s voice is as sweet as a sugar shack.”

(enter brothers and sisters, mom and dad)

Alfred had lots of brothers and sisters.  They lived with his mom and dad, and they were very poor. But they love each other very much, and they would all join hands and sing the Barney song together.

One day a tree fell on his dad, and his dad died.  Then his mom caught tuberculosis, coughed like crazy, and died.  So Andre and his siblings were all orphans. They cried and hugged each other tight, while their bodies still shuddered from the sorrow.

The narrator said in a French accent “It is not orphan that you see so many orphans.”  The family left the stage, shaking their heads at the bad pun.

(Exit mom, dad, brothers, sisters.  Enter priest)

Alfred was often seen praying in the Church, and his priest noticed how holy he was.  So the priest said “Alfred, I think you should become a monk!  Here, take this note to the Congregation of the Holy Cross.”

(Exit priest, enter monks, head of the congregation)

The Congregation of the Holy Cross was a group of monks.  They walked in circles, singing in Gregorian chant. The narrator intoned the words, and the monks repeated them.  The words were "Ay-a otgay asgay"  Which is pig latin for "I got gas".

When Alfred got there, the head of the congregation read the note, which said “I am sending you a saint.”   But the head of the Congregation said “You look little and sick.  We can’t afford to take sick people, I’m sorry.” 

The crowd said "Awe."  And Alfred made his best pouty puppy dog face. After a while the head of the Congregation “Ok, fine, you can join.  You can be the guy who answers the door.”  Alfred was so excited he went from being a pouty happy dog to being a hyper puppy dog, and he licked the heads of the congregations hand.

The monks sang "Ew-ay, uckyay!"

(exit monks and head of the congregation, enter sick.)

Alfred became known as Brother Andre.  He would go to the chapel, and take some oil from a lamp burning in honour of St Joseph.  Then he would go to the house of the sick, and he would rub some oil on them, and say ‘pray to St Joseph, and he will heal you.”  The sick people would do their prayers, and then yell “I’m healed!  It’s a miracle!”

Soon sick people and more sick people were lining up to see Brother Andre, to get him to pray for them. 

(Enter head of the congregation)

The head of the congregation said “Wow, there are way too many sick people here-  Andre, you  need to start meeting people at the train station!”  So Andre did, and even more people were healed!

(Enter the other monks)

Eventually the other monks got nervous about Andre’s growing reputation.  One said “I think he’s a fake!”  Another said “He’s a quack”.  A third said “This will be bad for our reputation if people discover that he is faking these cures.”

But Brother Andre said “I’m not the one doing the curing.  God is, through the intercession of St Joseph.”

So many of the sick were cured, that they built a great big Church in honour of St Joseph in Montreal.  It is the largest Church in Canada, and one of the largest in the world!  The audience applauded politely.

When Blessed Andre died, over 1 million people came to his funeral.  His heart was kept as a relic in the Church.  It was stolen for a while, but was recovered.

St Andre-  Pray for us!

St Lidwina

Lidwina, friends, Mom, sinful man, Lidwina's angel, Sinful man's angel

Enter Lidwina, friends

There once was a young girl named Lidwina.  Ever since she was a child, Lidwina wanted to be a nun.  But when she was 15 years old, she was ice skating with some friends, when suddenly she fell, and broke a rib.  She cried out in pain! Her mom ran to her, saying "Lidwina, are you Ok?"

(Exit Friends)

The wounds she got from this turned to Gangrene. (Gang-green).  This meant that she had to stay in bed for the rest of her life!  Even though she spent the rest of her life lying down, she'll spend the rest of this skit standing up, so the audience can see her.

She suffered immensely.  She could not eat, and would only eat a little piece of apple each day.  Her whole body started to rot, and she puked blood, and according to the stories even pieces of bone or organs came out! But her vomit and rotting organs smelled beautiful! Her mom would scoop these things up, and keep them in a vase, and put them on the bedside table, and say "There-  now doesn't that smell nice?".

The audience would say "Wow, Lidwina must be Holy!"

Her mother would say to the audience "Yes, because even her rotting internal organs smell sweet!"

But Lidwina said "Uh, Mom-  could you please bury those?  I don't want everyone to think I'm holy."

Her mom said "awww... but they smell so nice!  Ok."  And she took the vase away to bury it's contents.

(Leave Mom. Enter Sinful Man)

One day a sinful man came slinking in, and said in a devious voice "I am a sinful man!  I am here to commit sins!"

Lidwina said "Actually, you should try to be holy."

The sinful man said "Really?  Wow... I had no idea.  Ok, I'll be holy"

But before he could start, he died.

(Exit Sinful man)

Lidwina started praying, saying "Dear God!  Please show me if the sinful man got to Heaven!"

(Enter Guardian angel)

Suddenly her guardian angel appeared to her, and said "I will show you where he is.  Will you come with me?"

Lidwina said "yes".  So the two of them held hands, and skipped all the way to purgatory.

Lidwina heard the sounds of torment, provided by the audience.  There were cries of sorrow, screams of anguish, and shrieks of despair.  Lidwina said "Oh no!  Are we in Hell?"

Her guardian angel said "No, This is purgatory... but it is a lot like Hell."

(Enter guardian angel of sinful man)

 Suddenly they saw the guardian angel of the sinful man, sitting looking sad, with his head in his hands.  Beside him was a deep well, out of which flames spewed.  From the pit they heard the voice of the sinful man saying "Who will free me from this awful suffering?"

Lidwina said "Sinful man-  is that you?"

Sinful man said "Yes!  And I am suffering terribly until I can see God in Heaven!"

Lidwina said "I will pray for Mercy for you."

Sinful man said " Even though I am suffering so much, I know that this suffering is itself mercy, since I deserve to go to Hell."

(Exit sinful man and angels, enter mom)

Suddenly Lidwina woke up, as it was all a dream  But she trembled with fear. Her mom saw how afraid she was and said "what happened?"

Lidwina said "I saw purgatory, and it is awful!  We must all pray for people who are there!"

(Enter angel of sinful man)

Sometime later the angel of sinful man came to her and said "Lidwina, your friend sinful man, is now in Heaven."

St Lidwina-  pray for us!

St Bernadette

Bernadette, mom, dad, sister, Mary, crowd, sick, nuns

(Enter Bernadette, mom, dad, sister)

There once was a young girl named Bernadette.  Bernadette lived with he mom, her dad, and her sister, and the rest of her family.  They were very poor, and they lived in a single room basement.  In fact the room had previously been a jail!  Because of this, her dad would say "We live in a dungeon."

When Bernadette was very young, she got sick, and after that she always had Asthma, and would have trouble breathing.

One day Bernadette's Mom said "It's cold.  Girls, go get some firewood!"

So Bernadette and her sister joined hands and skipped off to find wood.

(Exit mom and dad.)

When they got to a river, her sister quickly ran across the river, shrieking about how cold the water was.   But Bernadette said "Wait, I have asthma!  The waters too cold! I can't cross!"

While Bernadette was taking off her socks, suddenly there shone a bright light.  When she looked up, she saw Mary!  Of course she didn't know yet that it was Mary, and said "What a beautiful shining woman!"

Mary said  "hi".

Bernadette said "Hi.  Who are you?"

Mary said "I am the immaculate conception."

Bernadette said "I have no idea what that means!"  Then she ran across the river to tell her sisters, but she did not even find the water to be cold!

(Exit Mary, Enter crowd)

Bernadette continued to see the beautiful lady every day.  Soon a crowd came to see what was happening.  But no one else could see Mary!  Some people said "She must be stupid."  Others said "She's crazy!"  Others said "It's a miracle!"  Bernadette would just kneel very still.  Even when the candle she was holding burned down to her hands, she kept kneeling and did not react!

But then Bernadette started kissing the ground, and eating the grass, and washing her face with the mud. The audience laughed, pointing at her and saying "She's off her rocker!" and "She's not dealing with a full deck." and "She's not quite the full shilling!"

Her mom said angrily "What are you doing?"

Bernadette said "Mary told me to drink from this spring!"

Her mom said "There is no spring here-  let's go home!"

And she dragged Bernadette away.

But then suddenly water bubbled up from underground, and everyone gasped as they saw the spring!

Everyone started singing Alleluia.

(everyone but Bernadette leave. Nuns and sick enter)

Bernadette became a nun, and learned to fold her hands and walk like a nun, and took care of sick people.  Eventually she got tuberculosis, which caused her great pain in her knee.  But even in pain, she continued to serve joyfully.  She died when she was only 35 years old.

St Bernadette-  pray for us!

Post Script;
Eventually a little pool was made with the spring water, and a church built.
Bernadette's body was buried, but when it was dug up years later, it was found to be intact!

St Paul

St Paul

Paul, Gamaliel (M) (Ga-ma-lee-el), Stephen, angry crowd (4), horses (5), Jesus, Ananias (M) (An-na-nie-as), Luke, Barnabas, Roman

(Enter Paul and Gamaliel)

There once was a young man named Paul.  Paul was short, und unattractive, but very smart!  He studied under a man named Gamaliel.  Gamaliel said “Oh Paul, you are my best student!”

Paul said “Thank you!  And you are the greatest teacher of our times!  One day I hope to be just as self-righteous and anal retentive as you!”

Gamaliel said “Um…. Thanks.”

(Enter Stephen, Exit Gamaliel)

One day a man named Stephen ran by yelling “I’m gonna get stoned, dude!”

Paul shook his head disapprovingly, and said “It always starts with just getting stoned, but where does it end?”

(Enter angry crowd)

An angry crowd yelled “Get him!”  And surrounded Stephen, picking up rocks to throw at him.

Paul said “Oh, that kind of stoned.  My Bad!" Then to the crowd he said "Here, may I hold your jackets?”

The angry crowd yelled “Thank you!  You are too kind!”

As they began throwing rocks at Stephen, Stephen looked up and said “I see Heaven open!  And there’s Jesus!”  Then he died.

Paul said “Jesus, eh?  So Stephen was one of those despicable Christians!  Let’s go get some more!”

(Exit Stephen, Enter horses)

So Paul and the angry crowd all got on horses, and began riding to Damascus. Along the way Jesus suddenly appeared to Paul, saying “Paul-  why do you persecute me?”

No one else could see Jesus.

Paul fell off his horse and said “Who are you, that I am persecuting you?"

The angry crowd thought Paul was nuts.

Jesus said "I am Jesus."  Then he disappeared.

(Exit Jesus)

Paul suddenly started groping around, saying "I’m blind!”

So the angry crowd took him to Damascus, and left him there.

(Exit angry crowd, horses, Paul.  Enter Ananias, Jesus)

Jesus appeared to a man called Ananias and said “Paul of Tarsus is in town.  Go pray for him and heal him!”

Ananias said “Really?  I heard about him, he’s a bad dude!  He’ll kill me.”

(Exit Jesus, enter Paul)

But Ananias did as he was told. He laid hands on Paul and said “In the name of Jesus, be healed!”

Paul jumped up and said “It’s a miracle! I can see!”

(Exit Ananias, enter Luke and Barnabas, angry crowd)

Then he and his friends Luke and Barnabas ran all over the place telling people about Jesus.  Eventually the angry crowd caught up with Paul, and threw him in jail.  But from jail he continued to write letters, and he wrote many of the letters in the New Testament.

(Enter Roman soldier)

Eventually Paul was killed when a roman soldier chopped off his head.

St Paul-  Pray for us!

St Raphael

St Raphael

Sarah (Make sure she’s pretty + funny!), men (4),  John, Simon, Seth, Asmodeus (As- moe-dee-us)(M), Tobias, Tobit, Raphael, bird (f), dog, fish

(Enter Sarah, men)

There once was a very beautiful girl named Sarah. She lived in a land called Media. She would walk around, batting her eyes, and flitting her hair back, and giggling in a flirty fashion.  When men saw her, they would say “Va va voom!”.  But Sarah would just giggle, and say “Oh, boys, you’re so sweet” tapping each one of them on the nose with her long and beautiful finger.

(Men leave the stage, enter John, Asmodeus on deck)

One day a man named John came to Sarah, got down on one knee, and said “Sarah, you are the epitome (e-pit-oh-me) of beauty and grace. Will you marry me?”

Sarah said “Of course!”

John stood to kiss her, but before he could, a crazy demon called Asmodeus came shrieking and howling out of nowhere and killed him! Then Asmodeus disappeared.

(Exit John, enter Simon, Asmodeus on deck)

Next a man called Simon came to Sarah, got down on one knee, and said “Do you know mouth to mouth resuscitation?  Because you took my breath away.  Will you marry me?”

Sarah said “Of course!”

Simon stood to kiss her, but before he could, a crazy demon called Asmodeus came shrieking and howling out of nowhere and killed him! Then Asmodeus disappeared.

(Exit Simon, enter Seth, Asmodeus on deck)

Next a man called Seth came to Sarah, got down on one knee and said “Was your father a thief? Cause he stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes!  Will you marry me?”

Sarah said “Of course!”

Seth stood to kiss her, but before he could, a crazy demon called Asmodeus came shrieking and howling out of nowhere and killed him! Then Asmodeus disappeared.

(Exit Seth, enter Men, Asmodeus on deck)

All the other men came, got down on one knee, and said “How you doin?”  but Asmodeus killed them all. Sarah was very sad.

Scene change!

(Exit Sarah, Men, Asmodeus,  enter Tobit, bird)

Meanwhile, in another place, a man named Tobit was sitting and praying, and looking up he saw a bird. The bird flew gracefully in the sky, and then it pooped, and the poop landed in Tobits eye!  Tobit stood and said “I am blinded by that birds poop!  Help me!”

(Enter Tobias)

Tobias was Tobits son, and he said “Here I am father- what can I do?”

Tobias said “If I am blind, we will soon be poor.  Go to Media, where I have money.”

(Enter Raphael)

Suddenly Raphael came and said “My name is Azariah, and I’m your relative”

The audience said “I thought his name was Raphael?”

Raphael said “Shhh!  I'm in disguise!”  Then to Tobias he said “I’ll go with you to Media, and protect you!”

(Exit Tobit, enter dog, fish)

As they were walking, with Tobias’ dog they stopped at a river, where a fish was swimming around, making fishy sounds.  Suddenly the fish jumped out of the water, and tried to eat Tobias’ foot.

Tobias screamed “Get it off!” while the dog ran in circles barking, and growling at the fish.

Raphael killed the fish with a club, and they sliced it open, removing its guts. Raphael said “Tobias, you should keep these- they may come in handy.”

(Exit fish, enter Sarah, Asmodeus on deck)

When they got to Media, Tobias saw Sarah, and he instantly fell in love.  He got down on one knee and said “Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night.”

Sarah said “Please!  Every man who tries to marry me gets killed by the evil demon Asmodeus!”

Just then Asmodeus appeared, and shrieking said “I’ll get you, and your little dog too!”

But Raphael said “Quick Tobias, the fish guts!”

Asmodeus shrieked in horror at the sight of the fish guts, and said “I’m melting, melting!” until he was nothing but a steaming puddle of ooze.

(Exit Asmodeus)

Sarah was so happy, that she and Tobias share a long and intimate kiss. They just kep smooching and smooching.  Finally Raphael said "Awkard!", and they stopped.

(Enter Tobit)

When they returned to Tobit, Raphael took the fish guts, and used them to heal Tobits’ eyes.   Tobit said “I can see!  It’s a miracle!  How did you do that?”

Raphael said “Because I am not really Azariah.  I am the great archangel Raphael!”

Sarah said “Raphael- are you a ninja turtle?”

Raphael said “No.  The ninja turtle was named after me.”

The crowd said “woah- déjà vu.”  This is because the same joke was used in the St Michael Archangel skit.

St Raphael is the patron saint of romance.

St Raphael- Pray for us!

St Margaret Mary Alacoque

St Margaret Mary Alacoque

Margaret, Mom, Dad, Brothers (3), evil relative, Jesus, Mother superior, nuns(2), theologians(2)

(Enter Margaret, mom, dad, brothers)

Margaret was born into a fairly happy family, with 2 loving parents, and several brothers.   When she was a kid, her brothers would say “Let’s play tag!”  or “Let’s play ring around the rosy!”  But Margaret would just say “No thanks, I just want to pray.” So while her brothers played ring around the rosy, Margaret would kneel down to pray.

One day her dad died. Margaret and her mom and brothers all cried.

(Exit Dad, enter evil relative)

 At the funeral, her evil relative stood up to speak and said “It is with great sorrow that we celebrate the passing of so great a man.  But it is with great joy that I announce that I am in charge of his estate, and plan to spend all the money on myself!”  Then the evil relative made up a song about money and danced to it.

Margaret’s mom said “But, we need the money to live!”

But the evil relative said “Maybe you didn’t hear my song?”  And so he sang the song a second time, but even louder than the first time.  Then he laughed like a maniac, and covered his face with his cape, while he walked away in the most evil way he could think of.

(exit evil relative)

After that the family was poor. Margaret got sick, and had to stay in bed for three years.  (Margaret stay standing)

(Enter Jesus)

When she was 14 Jesus appeared to her and said “Margaret, give your heart to me! Promise yourself completely to me!”  She said “Ok!”, and was suddenly healed!  Her family started singing the alleluia chorus.

(Exit Jesus, mom)

But Margaret forgot her promise, and started going to parties wither brothers.  She and her brothers would get dressed in the hippest clothes, and go out dancing and drinking late into the night. 

(Exit brothers, enter Jesus)

One night after a Carnival party, Margaret was walking home when Jesus appeared to her again.  This time he was bleeding and looked like he did when he died on the cross.  Jesus said “Margaret, you forgot your promise to me!”

(Exit Jesus, enter Mother Superior, nuns)

So Margaret ran off to a nearby convent, and asked the Mother Superior if she could join.  Margaret became known as Margaret Mary, and became a nun, but she wasn’t very good at it. She was clumsy, and lacked skill, and the other nuns shook their heads and clicked their tongues disapprovingly.

(Enter Jesus)

But Jesus continued to appear to her. The mother superior and nuns became still like statues. Jesus said to Margaret Mary “Lay your head against my chest, and listen to my heart!” Margaret did so, and Jesus stroked her hair saying “Do you know how much I love you?  My sacred heart is burning for love!  I will give you a heart like mine!”  Then Jesus disappeared, and the nuns and mother superior stopped being statues. 

(Exit Jesus, enter theologians)

When Margaret told the theologians about Jesus appearing to her, they laughed and said “Yeah right!”  And her Mother superior said “Margaret, I forbid you to keep having these visions!”  The other nuns shook their heads and said “Who does she think she is?”

Margaret Mary said "Doesn't anyone believe me?"

The audience said "We believe you Margaret Mary!"

Eventually the theologians and mother superior and other nuns all believed her too.  They all said "Sorry".  And the whole Church began celebrating the feast of the Sacred Heart.

St Margaret Mary Alacoque-  Pray for us!

Catherine Doherty

Catherine Doherty

Fyodor (M), Emma, Catherine, priest, noble kids 3, commoners (3), Baron Boris de Hueck, poor (3),Eddie Doherty, soldiers

(Enter Fyodor and Emma)

There once was a couple named Fyodor and Emma, who were riding a train in Russia. Emma was crying in labour pain, and gave birth to Catherine right on the train!  

(Enter Catherine)

Catherine sucked her thumb as her mom and dad cuddled her.  Emma said “She could get a disease on this train-  we’d better baptize her right away!”

(Enter priest)

So when they got to St Petersburg, they found a priest.  The priest said “And what name do you give this child?”

Fyodor said “Ekaterina Fyodorovna Kolyschkine”.

But Emma said “Catherine for short.”

(Exit Fyodor, Emma, priest, enter noble kids, commoners)

Catherine was nobility, and went to school with a bunch of other noble kids. Catherine and the other nobles were very snooty, walking around with their noses in the air, and looking down at the commoners.  

(Exit noble kids and commoners, enter Baron Boris de Hueck)

When Catherine was only 15 years old, she married Baron Boris de Hueck. Boris was Catherine’s cousin. The audience said “Ewwww!”  

Boris got angry and said “In Mother Russia, a Baron marries whom he chooses!”

(Exit Baron, enter soldiers)

During World War 1, Catherine served as a nurse. Soldiers yelled “For Mother Russia!”  and charged at their enemies.  But many of them were shot. Catherine would tend to them.

(Exit soldiers, enter commoners)

When the war was ended, revolution broke out. 

 The commoners ran around saying “Kill the snooty nobility!” Catherine and Boris screamed and ran away to Finland. Eventually they made it all the way to Toronto.

(Exit the commoners, enter priest)

Boris and Catherine fought a lot. Finally Catherine went to the priest and said “Please, can we get an annulment?”  (Annulment means your marriage does not count in the eyes of the Church.)

The priest said “Well, you did marry your cousin, which is forbidden by the Church… so ok!”

(Exit priest, Boris, enter poor, Eddie)

After that Catherine sold everything she had, and lived with the poor, and opened a soup kitchen called “Friendship House” for them.  The poor were very grateful. 

One day a reporter named Eddie showed up and started asking Catherine questions about what she was doing.  Catherine and Eddie were instantly in love, and they stared dreamily into each other’s eyes. Eddie fell onto one knee and said “Will you marry me?” 

Catherine said “You’re not my cousin, are you?”

Eddie said “No.”

So Catherine got excited and said “Yes, yes, of course yes!” and plastered his face with kisses.

But many of the poor at Friendship House shook their heads, saying “Tsk, tsk.  This new marriage is inappropriate.” So Catherine and Eddie moved to Combermere Ontario, where they founded a community to care for the poor there. Catherine and Eddie lived there for 38 years, serving the poor, until she died.

Catherine is not yet Canonized a Saint, but her cause is before the Church.

Servant of God Catherine Doherty-  Pray for us!

Rose of Lima

Rose of Lima

Gaspar, Maria, Rose, Servant, suitor, poor (3), sick (2), people (3)

(Enter Gaspar, Maria)

There once was a man named Gaspar, who was a soldier that rode his horse in Peru.  He was married to a local woman named Maria. They held hands, and were very much in love.

(Enter Rose, Sevant)

Together they had a beautiful baby girl, whom they called Rose. They named her Rose because one day a servant was holding Rose, and saying “Look at you, you’re so cute, yes you are, yes you are.”  When suddenly the servant screamed and said “It’s a miracle!  While I was looking at the baby her face transformed into a rose!”

Her dad said “Freaky! Please don’t hold my child anymore.”

But her mom said “Rose-  what a beautiful name!”

(Exit servant)

Rose grew to be a very beautiful lady. Whenever she walked by, all the boys in the audience would whistle their admiration.  Maria would put flowers in Rose’s hair to make her even more beautiful.  But Rose said “I don’t want to be so admired by everyone!  Please mom, no flowers.”

Maria said “Nonsense.  Obey your mom.”

So Rose would secretly put pins through the flowers so that instead of being proud of her beauty she would be distracted by her pain.

(Enter Suitor)

Because she was so pretty, men wanted to marry her.  One day a suitor came, and took her by the hand, went down on one knee, and said “Rose, my sweet, sweet rose.  You are so lovely.  Your eyes are like doves.  Your hair is like a flock of goats.  Your teeth are like naked pregnant sheep.  Your lips are lovely, and how I long for their kisses!  Rose… will you marry me?”

But Rose said “Alas, I cannot.  For my heart belongs to another. I have given my heart to God.”

The suitor wept bitterly, saying “But I already used all my best lines on you!  I’ll have to compare the skin of the next girl to the stretched hide of an orangutan…”  And he walked away, dejected.

(Exit suitor)

Rose said “I hate breaking men’s hearts on account of my extraordinary beauty!”  So to make herself less beautiful, she cut off her hair, and smashed pepper into her face.

She said to her dad “Father, I want to become a nun!”

But Gaspar grew angry and said “I forbid it!”

(Enter the poor)

So Rose lived in a room in her father’s house, and dressed like a nun.  She took care of the garden, and made lace, which she sold and gave the money she made to the poor.  Besides that, she lived alone in the room, and only left to go to Church.

(Exit mother and father and poor. Enter sick)

When disease broke out, she went to the hospital to help look after the sick.  One day she walked into the room of a sick woman.  The woman was covered by sores, and was oozing puss, and smelled terrible.  Rose gagged at the smell, and said “I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

But the woman noticed, and was sad.  So to punish herself, Rose took care of the woman, dressing her wounds, and she gathered the woman’s puss in a cup, and drank it.

(Exit the sick, enter people)

Rose would often go into ecstasy in prayers.  She would stand with her hands in the air, looking heavenward, and with an extremely happy face.  She had such extreme joy that nobody could distract her.  People would try all kinds of silly things to distract her, making faces, sound effects, tickling her-  but Rose would just keep staring into heaven with a beautiful look of peace and joy on her face.  

(Exit people)

One day Rose said “I’m going to die now!”  And she did.

St Rose of Lima-  Pray for us!

Pope Saint John XXIII

John XXIII  (Pope John the 23^rd)

Mom, Dad, John (Angelo), Brothers and sisters (4), Landowner, soldier, injured person,  Pope Pius XI (11th), Nazis (2), Jews (3), Nazi Bishop, Cardinals (3), Bishops (2), John F Kennedy, Khruschev

(Enter Angelo, mom, dad, brothers and sisters)

There once was young boy named Angelo.  Angelo lived with his Mom and Dad and his 13 brothers and sisters in a small farm house.  They loved each other very much, and the Dad would always say “Group Hug!”  And all of the family would hug each other.  They were poor, and worked on a farm.  As they worked they would sing “Old Linguini had a farm” to the tune of “Old MacDonald.” 

(Enter landowner)

But they did not own the land they worked on, so when the landowner came around he would say in his italian accent “Hey-a, you-a farmers-a.  Give-a me summa your croppa”

And of course, the dad would have to pay.

(Exit Landowner)

When he grew up, Angelo said good bye to each of his family members in the traditional Italian style, by kissing them on each cheek and saying “Ciao!”  Then Angelo left his home and became a priest.

(Exit mom, dad, brothers and sisters.  Enter soldier, injured person.)

When world war I broke out, a soldier came and ordered Angelo to join the army.  Fr Angelo was a chaplain, and he would help the other soldiers carry the injured people to safety.

(Exit soldier, injured, enter Pope Pius XI)  

One day Pope Pius XI  called him and said “You are a bishop!”  The crowd cheered!

Then Pope Pius XI died.

(Exit Pope, enter mom)
 Around the same time, Angelo’s mom died.  He was very sad.

(exit mom, enter Nazis, jews)

During world war II, evil Nazis invaded and started arresting all the Jews.  Angelo went to the Nazis and set “Let them go.”  And the Nazis actually listened!  So Angelo helped the Jews escape, saying “Run away, run away!”

(Exit Jews, enter Nazi Bishop)

After World War II ended, the Nazis cried because they lost.  Angelo had to work with some Bishops who had sided with the Nazis when they had control of France.  Angelo shook his finger at the Bishop, and said “Naughty, Naughty.” 

The Bishop said “I know.  I’m sorry.”

Angelo said “I’m sorry too, for all the times that Catholics were mean to Jews.

(Exit Nazis, Nazi Bishop, enter Cardinals)

When the Pope died, all the Cardinals, which by then included Angelo, got together to choose a new pope.  The Cardinals said “Let’s pick someone old who can run things for a few years without changing anything.”  So they picked Angelo.  Angelo said “I will be called Pope John the 23^rd!”

Then Angelo said “Let’s get all of the bishops in the world together for a new Church Council!  We need to change a few things around here!”

The audience gasped.  They called out “Unthinkable!” and “How dare he!”

(Enter Bishops)

But the Cardinals and Bishops got together and said “You know, we should make the Church more loving, and try to get along better with other Christians.” The audience applauded.  Then the Cardinals and bishops all joined hands and sang "Kumbaya".

(exit cardinals and bishops, Enter Kennedy and Kruschev)

One day the President of the United States, John F Kennedy, and the head of the USSR, Nikita Khruschev, came to see Pope John XXIII.  Kennedy said (in his best JFK accent) “The Russians have, uh, placed missiles in Cuba, which, uh, threaten the United States of America.  They need to get rid of them, or we will, uh, drop nuclear bombs on the USSR.”

But Khruschev said, in his best Russian accent “You’re not the boss of me.  You drop bomb on me, I drop bomb on you. Then we see who laughs.”

Pope John XXIII said “How about nobody drops bombs on anyone!”

Everybody thought  that was a great idea.  So Khruschev and Kennedy shook hands, while the crowd said “Pope John the 23^rd is Man of the Year!”

Pope John XXIII died a little while later.  He had only been Pope for 4 years.

Pope Saint John XXIII-  Pray for Us 

John Paul II

Karol (M), Father, Mother, Jewish friend, friends(2), Nazis (2), Archbishop, Young people (2), communists(2), Pope John paul I, Cardinals (2), assassin

(Enter Karol, Mom, dad)

There once was a boy named Karol.  Karol loved his mom and dad very much, and since they were polish, his parents would always say “Karol, eat your perogies!”  And Karol would always say “Dobre”, which means good in polish.  When Karol was only 9, his mom died.  Karol and his father were very sad.

(exit mom, dad, enter Jewish friend, friends)

Karol loved sports.  He especially loved skiing with his friends, including a jewish friend, and in the summers they would go swimming together. When they became old enough for University, Karol and his friends studied theatre and poetry.  Karol would recite Shakespeare, saying dramatically “To be, or not to be, that is the question!”

(Enter Nazis)

Then one day Nazis came marching in.  The audience ominously said “Da da daaaaaaa.” 

Karol said "I did nazi that coming!"

The Nazis clicked their boots, did the ‘Heil Hitler’ salute, and said “This school is now closed. Also, you, Jew-  you’re going to jail!” And the Nazis dragged the Jew off to jail, as the audience booed.

(exit nazis, Jew)

After the Nazis left, Karol and his friends met and one friend said “What will we do?”

Another friend said “I am going to join the resistance and fight against the Nazis!”

But Karol said “I am going to fight against evil with good!  I am going to be a priest!”

(exit friends, enter Archbishop)

So Karol met with the Archbishop, shaking his hand. Karol said "I want to be a priest" The archbishop looked around to make sure no Nazis were around, then whispered “Meet with me tonight!”

(Exit archbishop, enter Nazis)

So every night Karol would sneak to their secret meeting place, past the marching Nazis, while the crowd would sing the song from Mission Impossible.

Eventually the Nazis lost the war, and had to leave, hanging their heads in shame, while the crowd said “Nanananana”, and stuck their tongues out at them. 

(exit Nazis, enter Jewish friend, young people)

Karol’s Jewish friend was freed, and gave Karol a big hug. 

Karol was ordained a priest, and was very popular with young people.

(Enter communists, exit jewish friend)

But now that the Nazis were gone communists took over!  The crowd gasped. The communists said “We’ll let your church exist, but you are not allowed to teach!”  So whenever Karol was with the young people, they would call him ‘uncle’ so that the communists would not know that he was a priest.

(exit Communists, young people, enter John Paul I, Cardinals)

Karol was very smart, and wrote lots of books.  Eventually John Paul I made him the Archbishop of Krakow and a Cardinal himself!  When Pope John Paul I died, Karol met with all of the other Cardinals in a huddle called a conclave to pick the next pope.

(Exit John Paul I) 

To everyone's surprise, they picked Karol!  The crowd gasped in astonishment!  Karol said “Be not afraid!”  From then on he was known as Pope John Paul II.

(Enter communists, young people, jewish friend)

Pope John Paul II said “Love and families are good!” Everyone cheered!  He said “Communism is bad.”  The communists booed. 

(enter Assassin)

Then one day a hired assassin shot John Paul II. But the bullet didn’t kill him!  After getting better, John Paul II visited the assassin in prison and said “I forgive you.”  And they had a great big hug!

(exit assassin)

Everyone started chanting “J-P-2!  We love you!”  The communists said “stop saying that!”  But the crowd chanted it again.  

John Paul II said “J-P-2-  he loves you!”  And the crowd cheered like mad.  

Finally the communists said “He’s too popular!  No one will listen to us!”  and they left Poland to go back home.

Eventually John Paul II got old and died.  He was so popular that at his funeral everyone yelled “Subito Santo” which means Saint Now!  He was canonized only 9 years later!  

St John Paul II the Great-  Pray for us!

St Expeditus

Not much is known about St Expeditus.  Some people think he didn't exist, and some even say his name is attributed to some relics that were in a packing crate labelled "Expedite".    However, devotion to him remains strong! Some of this story is from the legends about him, and some is just a plausible story from the times in which he lived.

Expeditus, Christians (3), guards (2), roman soldiers(3), Emperor Diocletian, Devil, lion, jaguar, bull

There is also a part for the 'crowd', which is the audience

(Enter Expeditus)

There once was a Roman Centurion named Expeditus.  He was known for his speed, and so he was given light weight armor that would not slow him down.  He could sprint all over the place!   He skipped and leapt and did cartwheels!

(Enter soldiers)

One day he ordered the Soldiers under him, saying "Men, let's take a break.  Let's go to the theater and watch Christians get eaten by wild animals!"

The soldiers cheered, saying, "Yes, lets!"

(Enter Diocletian)

So Expeditus and the soldiers went to the theater, and sat in the stands with Diocletian, the emperor.  Diocletian said "Good to see you gentlemen!  I expect we will all get to witness some gruesome and brutal deaths today!"

The soldiers said "Hurrah!"

(Enter first Christian, Guards, Lion)

As they watched, first one Christian was taken out by the guards.  The Christian said "I am willing to die for Christ, for to me death is life!"  That Christian was quickly devoured by a lion!

(Exit Lion and Christian.  Enter second Christian, Jaguar)

Then a second Christian was brought out.  That Christian said "What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but to lose his soul?  Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit!"  A Jaguar pounced on that Christian, and bit his face off.

(Exit second Christian, Jaguar.  Enter third Christian, Bull)

A third Christian came out, saying "I rejoice in my suffering, because I unite it to the suffering of Christ on the Cross, and make up in my own body what was lacking in His!"  That Christian was gored and trampled by a bull.

(Exit 3rd Christian, Bull)

The Roman soldiers clapped and cheered.  But Expeditus stood up, saying "Enough! Considering the heroic courage of these Christians, I too will become a Christian!"

(Enter Devil)

When the Devil heard this, he made himself into a crow, and flying to where Expeditus was, said in a crows voice "Wait!  Think it over!  If you become a Christian now, you will suffer the fate of those martyrs!  Why not wait until tomorrow?"

But Expeditus said "No!  I will become Christian this very moment!"  And he stomped the crow to death.  Then he yelled loudly "I too am a Christian!"

(Exit Devil)

The crowd booed, yelling "Kill him! Throw him to the Lions!"

Diocletian stood up and said "Silence!"

The crowd was silent, except for the sound of a cricket.

Diocletian said "Expeditus is a Roman Citizen, and a centurion!  We do not throw roman citizens into the Arena!"  Then to Expeditus he said "Denounce this new found faith, or I will chop your head off!"

Expeditus said "I cannot deny my faith in Christ, even if it cost me my life."

Diocletian turned bright red and yelled "Off with his head!"

And so Expeditus' own soldiers escorted him into the Arena and chopped off his head.

St Expeditus-  Pray for us!

St Therese

Therese, mom, Dad, Pauline, Marie, Celine, Mean Nun, Doctor

Therese was born to two very loving parents.  She was the fourth of 4 sisters.  Her dad would pat each of them on the head and call them by nick names.  First Pauline would come, and he would pat her and say "You are my diamond."  Then Marie would come, and he would pat her and say "You are my little pearl."  Then Celine would come, and he would pat her and say "You are the bold one!"  Finally it would be Therese' turn.  She would come to him very shyly.  He would pick her up, put her on his knee, and say "And you are my little queen!"

One day There's mom died of breast cancer.  The family mourned.  But while the others cried softly, therese screamed and wailed, beating the ground with her fists.

After that, Therese would often have nervous fits, trembling and clenching her teeth.  She could not speak.

Her family said "We just don't know what's wrong with her!"

The doctor said "Me niether!"

Then one day her oldest sister, Pauline, said "I have decided to become a nun!  I am going to join the convent!"

Her father was so happy, he gave her a great big hug.  But Therese said "You can't!  You've been my mom ever since mama died!" Therese began once more to scream and wail and beat the ground with her fists.

Another time she overheard her father talking to her older sisters.  She was standing outside the door when he said "I don't want to do the Santa Clause thing this year at Christmas."

But Celine said "But papa, you have to!  Therese still believes!"

Her father said "She is getting too old for that nonsense."

That's when they noticed her standing outside the door.

Then Therese ran off.

Marie shook her head.  "Poor Therese"  she said, "I bet she is screaming and wailing again."

But Therese came back into the room and said "I have decided not to get so upset about every thing, but rather to trust God!"

Eventually, Marie and Celine and Therese all became nuns too!

Then Therese's father got very sick.  She wanted to go to him, but had promised tpo stay in the convent forever.  A mean nun said "Too bad-  you can't leave."

When her father died, Therese was sad.  But rather than scream and wail, she just sat peacefully and prayed.

The mean nun would see her praying and say things like "Get up, you lazy good for nothing!"

Therese would always just smile and say "Yes, sister.  How can I please you?"

Finally the mean nun said "Sister Therese, I don't get it.  I am always mean to you.  How can you keep loving me?"

Therese said "I love you with the love of God!  This is my little way to be a saint-  just do little things with great love!"

A few years later, Therese got tuberculosis.  She coughed and coughed, often coughing up blood! But when the other nuns looked at her with concern, she would just smile sweetly.

The Doctor said to the other nuns "You have no idea how much she is suffering!"

Therese said "I never knew it was possible to suffer so much!  But now even my suffering has turned to sweetness! So, I cannot suffer anymore."

Then St Therese died.  She was only 24.  

St Therese of Lisieux-  Pray for us.