Alexander, 4 henchmen, Greek soldiers (4), Jews (3), Mattathias, Judah, Simon, Eleazar, Jonathan, sell out, Elephants.
(Enter Alexander)
There once was a Greek man named Alexander.
Alexander waved, but corrected the narrator, saying "Uh, It's Alexander the Great, actually!"
The narrator cleared his/her throat, and started again.
There once was a Greek man named Alexander the Great.
Alexander was...
Suddenly Alexander interrupted the narrator again, saying emphatically "The Great."
The audience collectively rolled their eyes, muttering "This is going to be a long skit."
Alexander the Great gathered his four henchman and said "Greek is the best culture in the world. We have the greatest philosophers, the greatest architects, and have you tasted our Souvlaki?"
The henchmen responded in the affirmative, all yelling "Opa!"
Alexander the Great continued. "Let's go conquer everybody so the rest of the world can discover how fantastic we are!"
(Enter Greek Soldiers) So Alexander the Great, the henchmen and soldiers started riding all over the place, yipping and hollering and yelling "Opa" every time they killed someone.
(Exit soldiers)
One day Alexander the Great gathered his henchman and said "I'm going to die now. Please share my empire amongst yourselves."
Then Alexander the Great died.
(Exit Alexander)
One of the henchmen said "I call dibs on Greece!"
Another said "I call Egypt"
A third said "I get Persia!"
The slowest of the henchmen, who was named Antiochus, whined. "Awe. What's left?"
The other henchmen shrugged and said "You can have Turkey."
Antiochus said "Ok, that's not so bad. Right on time for thanksgiving!"
So the three henchmen went on their way, while Antiochus called out "So long, fellers!"
(Exit 3 Henchmen, enter Greek soldiers)
Antiochus said to his soldiers "Alright, go make sure everyone is acting like good Greeks!"
(Exit Antiochus, Enter Jews)
But part of his region included Judea, where Jews are from. The Greek Soldiers said "Everybody act Greek! Go to the Gymnasium, worship Zeus, and eat Bacon."
But the Jews refused! They said "We will never eat swine flesh!"
So the Greeks cut off their hands and feet and fried them alive in giant woks. The Jews screamed and died.
(Exit Jews, enter Mattathias, Judah, Simon, Eleazar and Jonathan, sell out.)
The Greeks ordered Mattathias and his sons, saying "You are an important family! Sacrifice to Zeus, and we'll give you loots of money, because if you do it everyone else will!"
But Mattathias said. "Never! we will fight for the Jewish law!"
A sell out said "I'll do it! Can I have the money?"
Mattathias screamed in outrage, and he took a sword, killed the sell out, and one of the Greeks. Then he said "C'mon boys! Let's head for the hills!"
Then Mattathias died.
(Exit Mattathias, Enter Elephants)
The Greeks got elephants who trumpeted and reared up, and sucked water into their trunks and sprayed it at each other. Each Greek rode on the back of an elephant.
The Greeks and the sons of Mattathias, called the Maccabeans, fought in a vicious battle.
Eleazar pointed at one of the Elephants and said "That is the most impressive of all the animals! I bet that's the king riding it!" So Eleazar slid under the elephant, and stabbed it with his spear. The Elephant screamed an elephant scream, and collapsed on Eleazar, and both Eleazar and the Elephant died.
The rest of the Greeks gave up the fight, saying "Ok, Ok! You guys can have your own kingdom!" and they ran away. (Exit Eleazar, Elephants and Greeks.)
The surviving Maccabeans cleaned the temple, rebuilt the altar, and Judah said "We should celebrate for eight days by playing with wooden tops called dreidels!"
And so the audience all together said "Happy Hannukah!"
