Mary Magdalene

Mary Magdalene

Mary, People (2), Jesus, Pharisee, Martha, Lazarus, guards (2)

Disclaimer:  There were several Mary's and other women in Jesus' life, and no one can be certain that the same Mary Magdalene is the character in all of these bibical stories, but it is commonly believed that she is.  While this account certainly takes some creative liberties, it can be considered more accurate than the one by Dan Brown.

(Enter Mary, people)

Mary always wore her hair down.  Because of this, she was a woman of ill repute.  People would come up to her and say "Tsk, tsk.  Your repute is ill."  Then they would shun her, saying "Talk to the hand!"

(Exit people, enter Jesus, Pharisee)

But one day Mary went to the house of a pharisee where Jesus was eating.  She fell at his feet, crying, and wiping her tears off his feet with her hair, and kissing his feet. The Pharisee was outraged, and said "Get that disgusting creature off of my floor!" Then he hit her with a broom, saying "shoo, shoo you vile rodent!"

But Jesus said "Leave her alone!  You did not honour me when I came here, but she did by washing my feet with her tears!"

(Exit Pharisee, enter Martha, Lazarus)

Mary was so grateful, she said "Please come and eat with me and my family!"

So Jesus went and met with Mary and her sister Martha and her brother Lazarus.  Jesus talked about God's mercy and how he wanted to bless sinners, and Mary sat at his feet and listened.  But the whole time, Martha was working hard to making pizza bagels.  Finally, Martha interrupted and said "Jesus, please tell my lazy sister to get up and help me!"

But Jesus said "Martha, Martha.  You are concerned about so many things!  But Mary has chosen the better part."

Then Jesus left.  While he was gone, Lazarus choked on a pizza bagel and died.  Then Jesus came back.

Mary and Martha cried and hugged each other.  Jesus came and made the hug into a group hug. Mary said "If you had been here, this never would have happened!"

But Jesus said "I am the resurrection and the life!"  then he ordered Lazarus "Lazarus, Get up!"

And Lazarus stood up, and did a little dance!  The audience said "It's a miracle!"

(Enter Pharisee and guards, exit Lazarus and Martha)

 But the pharisee said "This Jesus is getting a little too dangerous-  we will have to have him killed.  I'll get my broom"

But the guards said "Or... we could crucify him!"

So the guards arrested Jesus, and killed him, nailing him to a cross.

Mary saw Jesus die, and she cried, kissing his feet again.

(Enter people)

She saw people take Jesus down from the cross and lay him in a tomb, and she cried.  Then she went home.

(Exit people, Jesus)

3 days later, she came back to visit the tomb, but when she got there, it was empty!  So she cried.

(Enter Jesus)

Jesus appeared to her and said "Mary!"  She was so excited, she ran and hugged him, and would not let go!  Jesus tired to shake her off, but she clung to him like industrial strength velcro!

Jesus said "Mary, go tell everyone that I am alive!"

So Mary ran to tell the audience that Jesus was alive!  Then Jesus rose up mysteriously into the air and went to Heaven. And even after Jesus went up to heaven, she continued to tell people!  She even got in a boat and went all the way to France!

Mary Magdalene was a sinner who recognized that Jesus was the King, so changed her life, and became one of the greatest saints in history!

Saint Mary Magdalene-  Pray for us!

St Lucy

St Lucy

Lucy, Father, Mother, Agatha, fiancée (male), servant, magistrate, guards (2), cattle (2)

(Enter Lucy, Mother, Father)

When Lucy was a little girl, her father died. Her Father said "Seriously?  I finally get to be in saint of the week and I die in the first sentence?".  Then he collapsed and died in an extremely dramatic fashion.  Then he left the stage.

Her mother was very sad, and very sick.  She would cry and cough, and cough and cry, and do both at the same time, which looked uncomfortable.  Lucy said to her mother “Mommy, let’s pray to St Agatha that she will make you feel better!”

So  Lucy and her mom stayed up all night, praying to St Agatha.  

(Enter St Agatha)

In the morning, St Agatha miraculously appeared to her, and said “Lucy!  You too will become a great saint!  And your mother will be healed!”

Then she said "poof" and disappeared again.

(Exit Agatha)

Lucy’s mom was healed, and she danced for joy, singing “Hallelujah!  Hallelujah!”

The audience said "I hope it wasn't lent!"  Most of them didn't get the joke.

Then Lucy’s mom showed Lucy a large sum of money, and said “Lucy, here is your  dowry.  This is for you when you get married, since we have to pay someone to marry you!”

But Lucy said “But Mom, I don’t want to get married! I want to remain a virgin! Let’s give that money to the poor instead.”

But her mom said “But Lucy, I already chose a husband for you!” 

Just then in walked Lucy’s fiancée.  (enter fiancee) He knelt on one knee before Lucy and said “You are even more beautiful than I ever imagined! Your eyes are so stunning, I could swim in their deep pools!  I am in love! You will make me the happiest man in Rome!”  And he kissed her hand.

(Enter servant)
But one of Lucy’s servants walked in, looked askance, and said “Awkward!  She is promised to another man!”

Her fiancée sprang to his feet, demanding “And where is this other man?  I’ll kill him!”

But Lucy said “I am promised to Jesus himself.”

Her fiancée said “What?  A Christian?  That’s illegal!  I’m telling”.  Then he stuck out his tongue, and flapped his hands at the side of his head saying “You’re in trouble, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.”


(Enter Magistrate)

Just then in walked the magistrate, who said “What’s going on in here?”

Her fiancée started whining saying “Magistrate!  Lucy was supposed to be my wife, but she says she wants to stay a virgin for Jesus!  Tell her she’s not allowed!”

The magistrate said “You’re not allowed. Now marry this young man, or I will have you sent to a brothel.”

But Lucy remained peaceful and said “I am promised to Jesus, and will remain pure for him.”
The magistrate said “Fine.  Guards!  Arrest her! Take her to a brothel!”

(Enter Guards)

The guards grabbed her, but found she would not budge!  They pulled and pushed and tried to lift her, but she was stiff as a board and heavy as a mountain!

(Enter Cattle)

So they hitched her to two cattle, which they whipped.  The cattle mooed loudly, but hard as they pulled, Lucy could not be moved.

Her fiancée said “Please Lucy, I am so in love with you!  I love your eyes!”

The magistrate said “Guards, gouge out her eyes and give them to him please.”  So they poked out Lucy’s eyes, and gave them to the fiancee who said "I liked them better in your face."

Miraculously Lucy's eyes grew right back! Finally the magistrate yelled at the guards "Stab her in the throat!"

And they did. 

But even with a dagger in her throat, Lucy continued to rebuke the magistrate, saying “Jesus is real, and you have been very naughty.  Bad boy!  Bad!”

 St Lucy-  Pray for us

St Lawrence

St Lawrence.

Lawrence, bulls (2),  strangers (2), Pope Sixtus II, cousin, tornado the horse, Valerian, Guards (2), poor (2), crippled (2)

(Enter Lawrence, standby Bulls, strangers)

St Lawrence was a Spaniard.  Like all good Spaniards, he danced flamenco, enjoyed the running of the bulls, (Where the bulls charged and Lawrence tried to stay out of their way) and was extremely affectionate with strangers, giving them big hugs and kissing them on each cheek. Lawrence said, in his best Spanish accent, "Hey, man.  I don't care for all these stereotypes. Let's just throw tomatoes at each other and take a nap, OK?"

Then he hugged the narrator, kissing the narrator on both cheeks.

(Exit bulls, strangers. Enter Sixtus)

One day Pope Sixtus II said "Hey Lawrence-  how would you like to be a deacon?"

Lawrence said "I'd love to!"  Then he made a move to embrace a kiss Sixtus, but Pope Sixtus said "I'm the Pope-  kiss my ring instead."  Which Lawrence did enthusiastically.  

 Pope Sixtus entrusted much of the Churches wealth to Lawrence, and even gave him the Chalice which Jesus drank from at the last supper!   

(Enter cousin, Tornado the horse)

Lawrence gave the cup to his cousin, saying “bring this to my family in Spain, so it can be kept safe!” 

His cousin leapt onto the back of Tornado the horse. The horse reared backwards, looking epic, while the cousin pulled out a sword and slashed a zed into the air.  Then they galloped away into the sunset.

The audience giggled excitedly and said "Just like Zorro!" The narrator was pleased that they got the joke because it was pretty subtle.

(Exit Cousin, Tornado. Enter Valerian, guards)

Emperor Valerian marched in regally, flanked by two armed guards.  Valerian said “Christianity is illegal!  I will kill all the Christians!  Arrest that man!” and he pointed at Pope Sixtus.  2 roman guards arrested Sixtus, and began dragging him away.

Lawrence ran up to Sixtus, and said “Pope Sixtus!  Where are you going without your deacon?”

The Pope said “I am going to be martyred!  Wanna come?”

Lawrence said “Absolutely!”

The Pope said “Ok, in 3 days you can be a martyr too!”

Lawrence said “hooray!” and clapped his hands.

Valerian ordered the guards, saying “Chop off the head of the Pope, and arrest the deacon.” So they did.

(Exit Sixtus)

Valerian ordered “Lawrence, I understand that you were entrusted with the treasures of the church.  Bring it to me.”

Lawrence said “It’ll take time to gather it up.  Give me three days!”

Valerian said “Done!”

(Enter poor, crippled)

So for three days, Lawrence took the Church property and gave it to the poor and crippled.  Then he got the poor and crippled to follow him, and returned to Valerian. He shouted “Here are the treasures of the Church!”

Valerian got so mad, he turned beat red.  He said to his guards “Fire up the bar-be-cue!  We’re roasting Lawrence tonight!”

So the guards grabbed Lawrence, and placed him on a grill, which they put over a low burning fire.  As Lawrence was slowly burning to death, Lawrence said “Turn me over!  I am done on this side!”

Lawrence is the patron saint of comedians.

St Lawrence-  pray for us!

Padre Pio

Padre Pio, someone, commanders, women (2), husband, father, son, abbot (boy), doctor, scientist, American bombers, People (2- including 'someone')

(Pio and someone on stage)

Pio was a monk who lived in Italy.  He lived his life as the best monk he could, praying and fasting, and saying Mass.  He was often sick, and would cough and wheeze when he breathed. 

One day he heard someone announce  "War!  All of Europe is going to war!  All monks have to join the army!"

(someone leave, commanders enter)

But when Pio went to join the army, the commanders laughed at him, saying "You're too sick!  Go home!"

(Exit Commanders, Enter women, husband, father, son)

With war came much suffering.  Women wept as they said goodbye husbands and fathers and sons.  They clung to their necks, and kissed them. But the men went off to war, many dying in the battlefield.

(Women, husband, father son all leave the stage)

Pio was very upset!  He went to the chapel to pray, and laid down on his face.  He trembled all over.  He said "Jesus!  Please let me suffer a little more, so the rest of Europe can suffer a little less!"

Suddenly Pio felt a searing pain in his hands and feet.  He screamed in pain.  Holes appeared like those which Jesus would have had from dying on the cross!

(Enter Abbot)

His Abbott ran in, and said "It's a miracle!  This is the stigmata!"

Pio said "What's Stigmata?"

The abbot said "Nothing- what's stigmatta with you?"

The audience groaned.

Then the abbot said "Call a doctor!"

(enter Doctor)

 The doctor examined Pio's hands, and said "There's is no scientific explanation for how these holes appeared!"

The audience gasped, and they all turned to each other, whispering "it's a miracle!"

But the abbot said "Let the Pope decide if it's a miracle!" 

(Enter scientist)

But the Pope couldn't make it, so he sent one of his best scientists instead. The scientist said "I cannot explain this... but I do not believe in miracles!"

(Enter people, women, exit scientist, doctor)

As word got out about the stigmata, Padre Pio's reputation for holiness grew. 

The abbot said "And we do mean Holiness..."

The audience groaned again.

Many people would come to Pio for confession.  One woman said in confession "I have not always been as loving as I should be." 

Padre Pio said "I'll say!  You're having an affair with a married man!"

The woman gasped, saying "How could you possibly know that!"

The audience whispered "It's a miracle!"

The abbot said "Hey, this is confession!  No audience allowed!"

(exit people, abbot)

Another time a woman was in downtown crying about her sick daughter.  Pio said "Don't cry!  Your daughter is healed!"

(enter abbot, exit Pio)

The next day the woman came to the monastery and said to the abbot "Please!  I must speak to Padre Pio!  His prayers have healed my daughter!"

The audience whispered "It's a miracle!"

The abbot said "I am sorry, you cannot see Padre Pio today.  He is sick in bed."

The woman said "Oh... but he was fine yesterday!"

The abbot replied "I'm afraid not-  he has been in bed for 3 weeks!"

The woman argued "But I saw him!  He was downtown!  He must have been in 2 places at once!"

The audience whispered "It's a miracle!"

The abbot yelled at the audience "That's enough!"

(Clear the stage, enter bombers)

During World War II, American Bombers were flying over the area, going to bomb Padre Pio's town.  Suddenly one of them yelled  'Look out!  There's a flying monk!"

(enter Padre Pio)

Padre Pio was standing in the clouds, and he said "Don't bomb here.  go somewhere else!"

The audience whispered "It's..."  But before they could finish the abbot yelled from offstage "Enough!"

(exit bombers, enter doctor)

Fifty years after getting the stigmata, one day the wounds disappeared all together.  The doctor said "Weird!  There's not even scar tissue" 

But Padre Pio said "But I can still feel the pain."

Shortly after that he died.

St Padre Pio-  Pray for us!




  

St Gianna

St Gianna

Gianna, the sick(2), brother, Pietro, Baby.  Another baby,  Yet another baby, Doctor, Priest last baby

(Enter Gianna, Sick.)

Gianna was a doctor, and spent her days looking after the sick.  She would make them lie down on beds, and when they coughed she would wipe up their phlegm, and when they sneezed she would wipe their noses.

(Enter Brother)

Her brother said "Gianna, I am going to Brazil, where I will be a missionary, and tell people about Jesus!"

Gianna said “I wish I could go with you!”

Just then the sick people spasmed and vomited, saying "Uh, Gianna, can you clean that up?"

Her brother said "I can see why you want to come with me.  But I'm afraid your health is too weak, so you cannot."

Gianna wept as she hugged him goodbye.  Then he left epicly, looking back lovingly at his sister, and holding out his hand to hers as if to say "I will always be with you in your heart."  Then he tripped, so he started looking where he was going.

(Exit brother and sick, enter Pietro)

At her office, Gianna met an attractive engineer named Pietro.  She made flirty eyes at him.  He used his best pick up line on her. (Narrator, make sure he uses one.  If he can't think of one, get him to say "I notice you noticin me girl")   Soon, they were in love, and they held hands, as they skipped around singing “when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.”

First came love, then came marriage, then came a baby in a baby carriage.

(Enter Babies, one at a time, except last baby)

 Then another baby.  Then yet another baby.  The babies crawled around, spoke baby talk, drooled, and pooped in their diapers.  

(enter doctor, priest)

When Gianna was pregnant the 4^th time the doctor said “Gianna, I am afraid if you have this baby you will die!”

The audience gasped!  The babies began to cry.

The doctor went on  “We can remove your uterus, and save your life, but the baby will die.”  A priest said “Don’t worry, Gianna. The Catholic Church says that kind of operation is ok, as long as you are not directly having an abortion.”

But Gianna said “If we need to choose between my life and that of my baby, I choose my baby!”

(enter last baby)

So after the last baby was born, Gianna died in hospital.

St Gianna-  Pray for us!