Carlo Acutis

 Carlo, mom, dad, brother, sister, friends, doctor

(Enter Carlo, mom, dad, doctor)

Carlo was born in London in 1991. The doctor carried Carlo to his mother, and placed him in her lap, saying in his British accent "Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Acutis!  You have a beautiful baby boy!"

His mother looked lovingly into his eyes, then threw him over her shoulder to try to burp him. His father said "Mama Mia!"

But Carlo said "No, Mama Mia."  He emphasized the word Mia, because the phrase Mama Mia means my mother in Italian. The narrator explained this to everybody, because the narrator was afraid that otherwise people might not get the joke. An awkward silence ensued.

(Exit doctor, enter brother and sister)

Carlo and his family returned to Milan, Italy, where they had two more kids, twins, a boy and a girl.

Carlo hugged his siblings, saying "I've been praying for you since before you were born!"

His siblings said "Um, thanks," and gave him a thumbs up.

Carlo and his family enjoyed watching movies together. By the time he was a teenager, Carlo's favorite movie was Disney's "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe."  Carlo cheered!  Then he explained to the audience "You see, I love watching movies, but I only want to watch ones that are good for my soul. The Lion in Narnia represents Jesus, and how he defeated evil by dying for us."

Everyone in the audience nodded, and said in unison "What a great policy Carlo! We too will only watch movies that are uplifting to us, both emotionally and spiritually!"

Peter was delighted, because he believed they really meant it.

(Exit family, enter friends)

Milan was a city known for fashion, finance, art, and above all- soccer. But they called it 'football'.

Carlo played soccer with his friends. He passed the ball to one of his friends, and his friend tried to kick a goal but missed. His other friends made fun of him, saying 'loser!'.

But Carlo just said "Hey good try, don't sweat it!"

After the game, Carlo said "hey guys, you wanna come over? I got the new Fifa game on playstation!"

His friends said "yeah, let's go!"

But Carlo said "But we can only play for an hour!  Then I'm gonna go to Mass."

His friends said "Mass? It's Wednesday!"

Carlo said "Yeah, I try to go everyday! And pray my rosary."

His friends said "You're a saint!"

Carlo said "Maybe, but I'm still gonna destroy you on play station."

(Exit friends, enter mom)

One evening, Carlo's mom found him working on his computer. She said "Carlo, what are you working on?"

Carlo explained "I'm building a website about Eucharistic miracles."

Mom laughed. "What do you mean?"

Carlo smiled. "In Argentina a few years ago a priest scientifically tested a bleeding host and discovered that it was human flesh. Miracles like that prove that Jesus is in the Eucharist!"

His mom was flabbergasted. She said "You know, Carlo, I don't have nearly as much faith as you do. But you have really inspired me to want to come closer to Jesus."

(Enter father and Doctor)

Soon afterwards, Carlo started getting very sick. The doctor who examined him said, in a ridiculous Italian accent.  "Your son-a, he has- a Leukemia. It is very advanced-a!  He is going to die!"

His parents were shocked!  His father said "Son, does it hurt much?"

Carlo wheezed, and said "Yes, but I offer all the suffering I will have to suffer for the Lord, for the Pope, and the Church.” 

Mom cried. "But Carlo, you're going to die!"

Carlo smiled. “I’m happy to die because I’ve lived my life without wasting even a minute on things that don’t please God.”

Then he died.  Carlo died at only 15 years old, in 2006. 

Carlo Acutis was to be canonized- officially declared a saint after performing two miracles after death- on April 27, 2025. However due to Pope Francis' death, his canonization has been postponed. His website is still maintained and has been translated into more than 18 languages!

Carlo Acutis- Pray for us!

Jezebel

 Jezebel

This is a bible story- not a saint story!

Jezebel, Ahab, Prophets of Ba-al (3) , Elijah, Jehu, Horses (2), Dogs(2), servants(2), Naboth, scum bags (2), Phoenicians

(Enter Jezebel, Phoenicians)

There once was a woman named Jezebel. Jezebel was a Phoenician.  Phoenicians invented the alphabet!  So Jezebel and the Phoenicians spent their days, singing the alphabet. They also invented purple die. Jezebel and the Phoenicians would go to the sea, find a particular sea snail, and squeeze the mucus out of it to die their clothes.

(Enter Ahab)

One day, Ahab came to town. Ahab was the king of Israel, and Jezebel knew that if she impressed him she could get a lot of power. So she said to the Phoenicians "Quick, get me a snail!"

The Phoenicians brought her a snail. and she squeezed it's mucus out, and rubbed it on her eyes.  Then she approached Ahab, and batted her beautiful painted eyes, and said "Hey there big boy. Are you looking for a lover? Because I'm available!"

Ahab could not believe his luck!  Even though he was the king, he was a weak man. So he said "Yes, my love. You will be my queen."

Jezebel cackled like a witch.

(Exit Phoenicians.)

But Jezebel said "listen, Ahab, Phoenicians don't worship the LORD. We worship Ba-al. Let me bring my prophets of Ba-al."

Ahab said "Yes, my love."

(Enter prophets of Ba-al)

The prophets of Ba-al came, and they danced around in circles, singing pagan songs of praise to Ba'al.

(Enter Elijah)

Elijah said "Ba-al is a false god with no power!"

The prophets of Ba-al said "Oh no you didn't! Ba-al has way more power than your God!"

So they decided to have a show down.

The prophets of Ba-al danced with more and more enthusiasm, calling for fire to come, but nothing happened.

Elijah laughed and said "C'mon prophets! Dance harder! Maybe he can't hear you! Maybe he's sleeping! Maybe he's on the toilet!"

The prophets of Ba-al said "Fine Elijah, show us what your God can do."

Elijah grinned. He said "Lord! Reveal your power!"

Suddenly a fire ball came down from heaven! The audience provided the sound affects.

The prophets of Ba-al trembled with fear, and Ahab said "Kill those false prophets!" 

So audience threw rocks at them until they died.

(Exit prophets of Ba-al)

But Jezebel said "What have you done!" Pointing a finger at Elijah she said "I'll get you, my pretty- and your little dog too!" Then she cackled like a witch, while Elijah ran away.

(Exit Elijah, Enter Naboth)

Some time later, Ahab was talking to a man called Naboth.  Ahab said "you have a nice vineyard. Can I buy it from you?"

But Naboth said "Sorry, it's not for sale."

(Exit Naboth)

Ahab was pouting because he couldn't get the vineyard. 

Jezebel looked at him in disgust and said "Are you the king or not? I'll get you that vineyard."

So she called for the scumbags.

(Enter scumbags)

Jezebel said "Here's what I want you to do." Then she whispered something, and then cackled like a witch.

The Scumbags rubbed their hands together and cackled as well.

(Exit Jezebel, enter Naboth) 

So the scumbags brought Naboth before the audience, and said "This man committed treason against the king and cursed the LORD!"

Naboth looked bewildered and said "No I didn't!"

But the audience booed, and threw rocks at him until he was dead. 

(Exit scumbags, Naboth, enter Jezebel and Ahab.)

Jezebel said "See, now you can have your vineyard!"

Ahab was so excited, he did a dance, while Jezebel cackled like a witch.

Then Ahab died.

(Exit Ahab, enter Jehu)

Jehu said "I have come to bring justice on the house of Ahab!  I will kill everyone in his family!"

The audience cheered. Someone said "Wow, the Bible is so violent!"

Jezebel screamed, and ran to a castle to protect herself. She painted her eyes again, and looked out the window at Jehu and said in her most attractive voice "Hey there king slayer! Are you looking for me?"

But Jehu said "If anyone is on my side, throw her down!"

(Enter servants)

Two servants grabbed Jezebel, and threw her out the window. She screamed and fell to her death.

(Enter horses and dogs)

While her body was lying there, horses trampled on her, and Dogs came and ate her body.

Jehu became the next king of Israel.

Athaliah

 Athaliah (G), Jezebel (G) , Ahab (B), Joram (B), Ahaziah (B), Elijah (B), Elisha (B), new kings (2B), Jehu (B), rest of the family (3), servants (3), dogs (2), Joash (B), Jehosheba (G), priest

(Enter Athaliah)

Once upon a time, there was a princess, named Athaliah. Athaliah flitted about like a delicate princess and sang a song to the passing birds.

(Enter Ahab, Jezebel, and Ahaziah)

Her father, Ahab, was the king of Samaria. He was a weak and sniveling man, who said to everyone "Whatever you want, dear."

Jezebel was a very beautiful and powerful Phoenician woman. She traipsed around in her lovely, purple robes, and she wore jewels, and lots and lots of makeup.  But she was evil. She said "Everyone must worship Baal! Kill the prophets of God!"  Then she cackled like a witch.

Seeing her mother cackle, Athaliah imitated her, and cackled herself.

(Enter Elijah and Elisha) One day two prophets confronted the royal family.  Elijah said, "God will punish you for your evil ways!"

Elisha shook his fist and said "Yeah!  What he said!"

Suddenly Elijah was taken away in a whirlwind. (Exit Elijah)

Seeing that his friend was gone, Elisha looked sheepish and said "Um, excuse me." and snuck away.

(Exit Elisha, Enter Joram)

King Ahab said "Athaliah, I have a husband for you!  This is King Joram of Jerusalem!"

Joram flexed and tried to impress the princess, but when he looked at her, he was amazed and how beautiful she was. He stared at her, and said "you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!  How my lips long to kiss yours!"

But Athaliah moved away from him, and looked at Jezebel and said "Mom, seriously?"

But Jezebel said "Marry him! Then I'll be queen of Samaria, and you'll be queen of Jerusalem!  We'll be unstoppable!"

The two women cackled together.

King Ahab said "Wonderful! It's all arranged then."

To celebrate their union, Athaliah and Joram danced a traditional wedding dance together.

But it was not all sunshine and rainbows. Elijah's curse started taking affect!

First Ahab went to war, doing his weak man battle cry.  He was shot in the back with an arrow and bled to death in his chariot.

(Exit Ahab)

Then, Athaliah's brother Ahaziah fell from a roof, and died of his injuries.

(Exit Ahaziah)

Then her husband, Joram, got some sort of bowel disease. He pooped and pooped and pooped until he was all pooped out. He pooped himself to death.

  (Exit Joram. Enter new kings, Jehu, rest of the family)

Samaria and Jerusalem both appointed new kings, and everyone started chanting 'Love live the kings!'

(Enter Elisha) But Elisha came back.  He went over to Jehu, whispered something, and gave him a blessing.  Jehu went on a rampage!  First, he killed one king, then another. The rest of the family ran off and hid.

(Exit everyone but Jezebel. Enter servants)

Jezebel made it to a city, and went up into a high tower, protected by her servants. 

(Enter Jehu) Jehu came ride in on his chariot, driving like a maniac. 

Jezebel put on her eye makeup, made herself look beautiful, and looked out the window. She said "Hey there big boy! Are you looking for me?"

But Jehu called to the servants and said "Hey!  Which of you are on my side?"

All three servants raised their hands. 

Jehu said, "Throw that woman out the window!"

So, the servants did. Jezebel fell to her death. 

The smartest kid in the audience said, "it's a classic example of defenestration".

(Enter dogs)

Dogs came in and ate Jezebels body, everything but the hands.

Jehu flexed and said, "Now I'm the king of Samaria!"

(Exit everyone, enter Athaliah, Rest of family, Joash and Jehosheba)

But the rest of the family all shrugged and said, "But who will be king of Jerusalem?"

Athaliah cackled and said "I will be Queen!  I'll kill you all!"

The rest of the family gasped and said, "But you're our grandma!"

Meanwhile, Jehosheba picked up baby Joash, and carried him away. 

(Exit Jehosheba and Joash)

Queen Athaliah killed the rest of the family, then said "I am Queen of Jerusalem!"

The audience gasped.

Athaliah cackled and was an evil queen.

(Exit Athaliah, enter priest and Joash.)

Six years later, a priest introduced Joash to the audience. The priest said, "This child is the true king of Jerusalem!"

The crowd cheered, and started chanting "Long live the king!"

(Enter Athaliah) But when Athaliah heard the commotion, she came into the temple and said "What is this! This is treason!"

(Enter servants)

But the priest pointed at Athaliah and said, "Arrest this usurper!"

The servants grabbed Athaliah, and dragged her out of the temple, and chopped her head off.

Joash became king and was an ancestor of Jesus.

 

St Tarcisius

 Tarcisius, friends (3), Pope Sixtus II, Lawrence, Christians, mob (3), Valerian

(Enter Tarcisius, friends)

In about 257 AD, a 12 year old kid named Tarcisius was playing a game with friends, that consisted in throwing a leather ball stuffed with feathers around.

The kids were all laughing and having a good time, when suddenly they were interrupted by the emperor Valerian. 

(Enter Valerian)

Valerian addressed the audience directly, and said "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears!  Henceforth, I declare Christianity to be illegal!  Anyone who refuses to offer sacrifices to Jupiter or Mars will be banished.  No... executed!  Mwahahaha!"

(Exit Valerian)

Tarcisius looked frightened.  

His friends looked at him and said "Wait, aren't you a Christian? What will you do?"

Tarcisius said "I don't know."

(Exit friends, enter Pope Sixtus, Lawrence, and Christians.)

Later Tarcisius met with the other Christians in the Catacombs.  Pope Sixtus II led them in Mass. He had his back turned to them, and he held up unleavened bread and said "On the night he was betrayed, Jesus took the bread and said 'This is my Body'.

Tarcisius and the Christians knelt in worship.

After Mass, Pope Sixtus II turned to the Christians and said "My brothers and sisters, thank you for meeting with me in these tombs. As you know it is very dangerous to be a Christian these days, and even more dangerous to come to the Eucharist. But you risked your lives for this!"

Tarcisius and the others all nodded. 

Then Pope Sixtus II gave the cup to Lawrence and said "Lawrence, get this cup as far from Rome as possible. It is the Holy Grail, the one used by Jesus at the Last Supper.  It has been passed down from Peter to Linus and to all the Popes."

Lawrence said "Did you say Holy Grill?"

Pope Sixtus II said "Not Grill, Grail. It means cup."

Lawrence grinned. "Too bad, I thought we were going to have a barbecue!"

Everybody laughed, and Pope Sixtus said "Oh, Lawrence always the comedian."  Then he grew stern and said "Now, go!"

Lawrence nodded, took the cup, and rode away to Spain.

(Exit Lawrence)

Pope Sixtus sighed. "I wish I had another deacon, who could bring communion to all the Christians in prison..."

Tarcisius spoke up "I'll do it!"

Pope Sixtus smiled, but said "The risk is too great!  If you get caught.."

But Tarcisius said "The treasure of the Eucharist is far more valuable than the cup which held it. I'll protect it with my life!"

So Pope Sixtus gave the Eucharist to Tarcisius to bring to the prisons. Tarcisius took the vessel and wrapped in in his robes, holding it close to his heart.

(Exit Pope Sixtus and Christians, enter friends)

But when Tarcisius was walking, he saw his friends. His friends said "Hey Tarcisius, come play ball with us!"

But Tarcisius said "Not right now, I have to do something."

One of his friends said "What are you holding?"

Tarcisius didn't answer.

Another friend said "Is that one of your Christian treasures?"

(Enter Mob)

Soon a Mob gathered saying "Show us the treasure!"

But Tarcisius said "What I am carrying is sacred, and I will not show it to you!"

The Mob and friends surrounded Tarcisius, and yelled "Give it to us!"  Their yelling sounded like angry dogs.

Tarcisius said "No!  I must protect it from raging dogs!"

So the mob and friends started beating Tarcisius.  Tarcisius fell to the ground, but would not let go of the Eucharist.

(Enter Christians)

When Christians saw what was happening, they chased the friends and the mob away. 

(Exit friends and mob)

Tarcisius was still alive, and was still holding the Eucharist. The Christians picked up his body, and carried it back to the Catacombs, but along the way Tarcisius died.

Saint Tarcisius-  Pray for us!

St Mark

 Mark, Rhoda, Barnabas, disciples (2), Peter, Jesus, Soldiers (3), Holy Spirit

(Enter Mark, Rhoda)

Mark was a young man who lived with his mom in a large house in Jerusalem. One day his servant, Rhoda, came in and said "John-Mark, your cousin is here!"

Mark smiled and said "Thank you Rhoda, let him in.  And please just call me Mark!"

(Enter Barnabas)

Barnabas walked into the room and greeted Mark with a big bear hug.  After catching his breath, Mark said "What brings you to Jerusalem?"

Barnabas said  "Passover, of course!  And the master is coming!"

Mark was excited. "You mean Jesus?  I hope I get to meet him!"

(Exit Barnabas, enter Peter and the disciples and Jesus)

Sometime later Peter and the disciples came to Mark and said "Where is there a room where the master can celebrate Passover?"

Mark said "The master?" Then he looked past the disciples at Jesus who gave him a wave.  Mark turned excitedly to Rhoda. "Oh my gosh it's Jesus!"

And Rhoda and Mark each did excited little fan girl dances.

Mark said to Peter and the disciples "We have a place!  My servant will get it ready"

So Mark showed Jesus and Peter and the disciples into a big room, all set up for Passover.  While Jesus was at the table with his disciples, Mark and Rhoda watched from a corner, and whispered excitedly.

Jesus lifted up the bread, and said "This is my body. Take it and eat it!"

Rhoda made a face and said "That's weird."

Jesus lifted up the cup and said "This is the cup of my blood. Take it and drink it."

Rhoda looked confused. "Wasn't it wine just now?  I'm pretty sure when I set the table it was not a cup of human blood."

Jesus stood up and said "Let's go to the garden of olives!"

So Peter and the disciples stood up, and they all left, singing as they went.

Mark was surprised. "They're leaving?"

Rhoda said "Follow them!"

(Exit Rhoda)

When Mark got to the garden, he found Jesus praying and Peter and the disciples sleeping. 

Suddenly soldiers walked in and announced "Jesus of Nazareth, you're under arrest!"

Peter and the disciples ran away,  (exit Peter and Disciples) while Mark tried to figure out what to do. One of the soldiers saw Mark and said "Grab that guy!"

Another soldier got hold of Mark's tunic, but Mark squirmed out of his tunic, and ran away naked. 

(Clear the stage, enter Mark, Peter, Disciples)

Later, Mark, Peter and the Disciples were all in Mark's house.  

Peter shook his head. "They crucified him! He's dead!"

(Enter Jesus)

But Jesus walked in and said "I'm alive!"

Mark, Peter, and the Disciples all sang "Alleluia".

Then Jesus flew up to Heaven

(Exit Jesus, enter Holy Spirit)

Then the Holy Spirit came and rested on each of the disciples like a flame.

(Exit Holy Spirit)

Peter started speaking a weird language.  Then he yawned, stretched and said "Well, I'm gonna go preach in the temple."

But Mark said "I thought the priests forbade you from doing that?"

Peter shrugged and said "They did, but who should I obey, God or humans?"

So Peter and the Disciples left to preach in the temple.

(Exit Peter and disciples, enter Rhoda. Disciples return)

But when the disciples returned they said "Peter was arrested! They're going to put him to death in the morning!"

Rhoda wailed.

Mark said "Let's pray."

While they were praying, they heard a knock at the door. 

Rhoda stood up and said "Now who could that be at this time of night?"  She left to find out. Suddenly she screamed and came running back in. "It's a ghost! They must have killed Peter already, his ghost is here!"

(Enter Peter)

But Peter walked in and said "I'm not a ghost! An angel came to me in prison and broke me out of jail!"

Rhoda was still shuddering, but she said "Oh that's fine then!" and she gave Peter a big hug.

Peter looked at Mark and said "Mark, I think you should be a traveling missionary.  Maybe you'd like to go with Paul and Barnabas?"

But Mark shook his head. "I'd rather stay with you."

Peter nodded, and said "In that case, why don't you be my scribe, and I'll tell the whole story of Jesus from my perspective and you can write it down!"

So that's what Mark did, and his book became known all over the world as the Gospel of Mark.

St Mark-  Pray for us!

James the Just

Disclaimer

A lot of this is a speculative compilation based on what we know from Scripture and other sources. Chances are it is not 100% accurate 

 Jesus, James, cousins (3), Joseph, Cleopas, Mary, Other Mary, disciples (2), Paul, Annas, Priests (2)

When Jesus was a young man, he always hung out with James and his other cousins. Jesus would greet them with a secret family handshake, and say "What's up brother!"

(Enter Mary and Joseph) 

Jesus parents were Mary and Joseph. Mary and Joseph greeted Jesus saying "Hello, son."

(Enter Cleopas and other Mary)

James' parents were Cleopas and the other Mary. James' parents said "Hello son." 

Joseph said to Cleopas "Isn't it funny that we're brothers and we both married women named Mary? What are the chances?"

Cleopas said "It seems every second woman is named Mary. So chances are high!"

James said "I guess that makes you the Mary Men!"

And everyone had a good hearty chuckle.

(Exit Joseph, Mary, Cleopas, other Mary, enter Disciples)

One day Jesus came through his home town with his disciples. Jesus made introductions saying "Hey disciples!  This is my brother James, and my other brothers and sisters, who are not named in this skit!"

One of the disciples said "Brother? I thought Mary only had one kid!"

James nodded, and said "She did. We're actually cousins, but it's pretty much the same thing."

The other disciple said "So what's it like to be the brother of the Messiah?"

James was surprised. "You think Jesus is the messiah? C'mon, he's just a regular guy! He's a carpenter from Nazareth!"

Jesus sighed, and said "That's why I never do any miracles around here- my own family don't understand. C'mon disciples, let's go somewhere else."

(Exit Jesus, Disciples)

James was stunned. He looked at his siblings and said "Do you really think Jesus is the Messiah?"

They all shook their heads no and laughed at the idea.

(Enter disciples, Cleopas)

Some time later James and his siblings and Cleopas were all in Jerusalem for the Passover. They saw the disciples who looked sad.

James asked "What's wrong guys?" 

The disciples looked at each other, and said "Didn't you hear? They crucified Jesus!"

James was shocked. "What?"

One of the cousins said "Guess we know he wasn't the Messiah..."

But one of the disciples said "Yeah but now some people said he rose from the dead!"

(Exit all but Cleopas and James. Enter Jesus)

Cleopas and James went for a walk.  Jesus came up and joined them, but at first Cleopas and James did not recognize him. Suddenly Cleopas said "Wait, you're Jesus!"

Jesus looked at James and said "What's up, brother?"

Then he disappeared.

(Exit Jesus, Cleopas, enter disciples)

 After Jesus went to heaven, James became one of the leaders of the disciples. The other disciples said "James, as the brother of Jesus, you should be the Bishop of Jerusalem!"

James nodded and said "ok!"

(Enter Paul)

One day a guy called Paul came and said "Guys, help me out.  A bunch of Christians from Jerusalem are saying that everyone who becomes Christian first has to obey the Jewish law, even if they aren't Jewish!  You're saved by faith, not works!"

But James said "Yeah, but, faith without works is dead."

Paul said "Yeah, we have to do good things, but we don't have to obey the Jewish law."

The disciples stroked their chins and thought. 

Finally James said "Paul, you're right.  Let me write you a letter so everyone know you have the backing of the bishop of Jerusalem and the Apostles."

Paul and James shook hands, then Paul went off to Greece.

(Exit Paul, enter Annas, priests)  

James continued to teach about justice and caring for the poor and keeping our language pure. The disciples and even the Jewish priests nodded their heads and said "He's so wise!"

But a guy called Annas said "He's a Christian!  He's stirring up dissent against the priests!"

The priests were shocked, and yelled "Kill Him!"

So Annas and the priests took James to the highest place in the temple, and threw him off it. James yelled "Jesus is the Messiah!" as he fell to the ground.

The disciples wailed and said "He's dead!"

But James got off the ground and said "I'm not dead yet!"

So the priests took stones and threw them at James, then one of them grabbed a metal club and clubbed James in the head. James fell down and died.

St James the Just- Pray for us!

Francis Assisi and the Sultan

 Francis, Franciscans (3) Illuminato, Crusaders (3), Muslims (3), Sultan

(This is not an account of the entire life of St Francis, only of a key moment in his life.)

(Enter Francis)

There once was a man named Francis of Assisi. Francis was rich, charming, and good looking. He struck a pose, and all the girls in the audience whistled at him.

Francis was also a warrior, and rode his horse into battle, making his unique battle cry.

But then Francis had a conversion!  He gave away all his money, and lived as a friar, kind of like a monk, chanting as he walked.

(Enter Franciscans and Illuminato)

Francis became so holy that soon other men and women, called Franciscans, gathered around him to live like him.

 One of the Franciscans was named Illuminato.  Illuminato made a triangle with his hands and put it around his eye, but most people didn't get it, so the narrator went on with the story.

(Exit Franciscans)

One day Francis was talking to Illuminato, and he said "Did you hear about the Crusade that's happening in Egypt right now?"

Illuminato shook his head and said "It's not going well for the Christians."

Francis nodded gravely. "It seems they are in denial." Francis paused for the audience to laugh, but none of them knew their history or their geography, so no one did. Suddenly some of the audience members got it, so they showed off by laughing loudly and obnoxiously.

Francis said "I have an idea. Let's go to Egypt, and cross the lines into Muslim territory, and preach to the Sultan! If he converts to Christianity, we will win the entire country of Egypt."

Illuminato nodded, and said "I see absolutely no flaws in this plan." So together they rode off to Egypt. 

(Enter Crusaders on one side of the stage, Muslims on the other side)

The Muslims and Crusaders were engaged in a silent, slow motion battle. Francis and Illuminato strolled right past the Crusaders. 

(Exit Crusaders)

When they got to the Muslim line, the Muslims drew swords on them and said "Where do you think you're going, Christians?" 

Illuminato peed his pants.

But Francis put up his hands and said "We come in peace. We want to speak to the Sultan!"

(Enter Sultan)

When Francis met the Sultan, he said "God loves you, and he wants you to love him back."

The Sultan said "We serve God too!"  Suddenly all of the Muslims faced east and bowed to the ground in prayer. The Sultan said "See, we do this 5 times a day!" The Muslims stood up again.

Francis nodded, impressed. "I thought you guys were really awful heathens!"

The Sultan laughed, and said "That's what we thought about you! But you Franciscans have impressed me. I promise that when we win this war, we will treat Christians well in Egypt."

So Francis and the Sultan shook hands, and then Francis and Illuminato went on their way.

(Exit Francis and Illuminato. Enter Franciscans)

Years later, Franciscans came to Jerusalem. They were confronted by the Muslims and the Sultan. The Sultan said "Hey, where are you going? No Christians allowed!"

But the Franciscans said "We are Franciscan friars..."

The Sultan said "Franciscans!  Oh, in that case, come on in!  In fact, you guys can be the official tour guides for any Christians who want to come here!"

And to this day Franciscans still have responsibility for many of the holy sites in Israel.

St Francis of Assisi, pray for us!