Monica

St Monica

Monica, Patricius, 2 women, Augustine, Drunk friends (4, some boys and girls), Manicheans (Man- E-key-ans) (3), Bishop

(Enter Monica and Patricius)

There once was a woman named Monica of Hippo.  She was married to a man named Patricius.  While Monica was a Christian and worshiped Jesus, doing things like going to Mass and making the sign of the Cross,  Patricius was a pagan, and he worshiped Jupiter, doing things like offering incense and bowing before a statue saying You are so mighty and powerful!  Do not smite me oh Jupiter!"  

Monica said "I'm pretty sure Jupiter is just a gas giant." But Patricius ignored her.

  Monica was always polite, and worked hard, and tried to be holy.  Patricius would get mad, and say “Oh, do you have to be so good all the time?  It’s not fun!”  Some times Patricius would go into a rage, jumping around and yelling and breaking things.  Monica would just stay out of his way! 

(Enter 2 women)

 At other times, Patricius would cheat on Monica with other women. One day Monica saw Patricius, and he had 2 women with him, one on each arm. Monica said “Excuse me?  And who are these floozies?” 

The women snapped their fingers three times, and said “Oh no you didn’t.”

Patricius said “Monica of Hippo, I would like you to meet these two floozies… er, I mean, women… who are also my lovers.  Monica of Hippo, this is Barbara of Rhino and Silvia of Ring-Tailed Lemur.”

Monica said “Patricius, I am your wife.  Send these women away!” 

So Patricius sent them away, but as they were leaving he said “I’ll look you up on Facebook!” 

(Exit women)

 Then Patricius said to Monica “Boy Monica, this isn’t like you.  You usually just put up with my floozies.  What’s wrong?”

Monica said “I’m having a baby.”  Suddenly, Augustine was born. 

(Enter Augustine)

Augustine greeted his parents, saying “Hello Mother.  Hello Father.  I am your new infant son.”

Monica said “Let’s get him baptized!”

Patricius said “No!”

Augustine said “I think I’m dying!”  Then he started spasming and fell to the ground.

Monica said “Please Patricius!  He must be baptized before he dies!”

Patricius said “Oh, all right.”

But at that moment Augustine stood up again and said “I got better!”

Patricius said “Oh good, no need to baptize you after all!”

Monica said “Seriously?” 

Then Patricius died.  (Exit Patricius)

Augustine grew up,and was a lot like his dad.  Augustine said “Mom, my philosophy in life is to be as selfish as possible, and have fun and get drunk all the time!”

(Enter drunk friends)

Augustine’s drunken friends said “Party!”  and started dancing. Then Augustine chose the most attractive girl from among his friends, and brought her to his mom saying "Oh by the way, Mom, this is my new girlfriend-  Cecilia of Zebra!”

Monica said “Whatever happened to Beatrice of Orangutan?”

Augustine said “Seriously?  I broke up with her like 2 weeks ago, when I started dating Phoebe of Chimpanzee, who I broke up with for Helen of Wombat.”

Monica said “Please Jesus, may my son have a conversion!”

(Exit drunk friends including Cecilia of Zebra)

Sometime later Augustine came to Monica and said “Good news, mom!  I had a conversion!”

Monica said “Praise the Lord!”

Augustine said “I joined the Manicheans (Man-E-key-ans)!”

The Manicheans all rushed on to stage and joined Augustine. 

Augustine said “We believe that the soul is good, but the body is evil.  We believe that it is holy to eat beans, and to release their spirits from their bodies in the form of farts!  Hit it, boys!”

So Augustine and the Manicheans started farting to the tune of the Alleluia Chorus.

Monica started crying, saying "And I thought Patricius worshiped a gas giant! Please, Lord, make it stop!”

(Enter Bishop, Exit Manicheans)

An unnamed Bishop came and said “Fear not Monica!  Your tears will not be wasted!”

Augustine finally did become Catholic in the end, and the Bishop baptized him.  Then his mom hugged him, and then she died.

St Monica-  Pray for us!