St Lucy
Lucy, Father, Mother, Agatha, fiancée (male), servant, magistrate,
guards (2), cattle (2)(Enter Lucy, Mother, Father)
When Lucy was a little girl, her father died. Her Father said "Seriously? I finally get to be in saint of the week and I die in the first sentence?". Then he collapsed and died in an extremely dramatic fashion. Then he left the stage.
Her mother was very sad, and very sick. She would cry and cough, and cough and cry, and do both at the same time, which looked uncomfortable. Lucy said to her mother “Mommy, let’s pray to St Agatha that she will make you feel better!”
So Lucy and her mom stayed up all night, praying to St Agatha.
(Enter St Agatha)
In the morning, St Agatha miraculously appeared to her, and said “Lucy! You too will become a great saint! And your mother will be healed!”
Then she said "poof" and disappeared again.
(Exit Agatha)
Lucy’s mom was healed, and she danced for joy, singing “Hallelujah! Hallelujah!”
The audience said "I hope it wasn't lent!" Most of them didn't get the joke.
Then Lucy’s mom showed Lucy a large sum of money, and said “Lucy, here is your dowry. This is for you when you get married, since we have to pay someone to marry you!”
But Lucy said “But Mom, I don’t want to get married! I want to remain a virgin! Let’s give that money to the poor instead.”
But her mom said “But Lucy, I already chose a husband for you!”
Just then in walked Lucy’s fiancée. (enter fiancee) He knelt on one knee before Lucy and said “You are even more beautiful than I ever imagined! Your eyes are so stunning, I could swim in their deep pools! I am in love! You will make me the happiest man in Rome!” And he kissed her hand.
(Enter servant)
But one of Lucy’s servants walked in, looked askance, and said “Awkward! She is promised to another man!”
Her fiancée sprang to his feet, demanding “And where is this other man? I’ll kill him!”
But Lucy said “I am promised to Jesus himself.”
Her fiancée said “What? A Christian? That’s illegal! I’m telling”. Then he stuck out his tongue, and flapped his hands at the side of his head saying “You’re in trouble, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.”
(Enter Magistrate)
Just then in walked the magistrate, who said “What’s going on in here?”
Her fiancée started whining saying “Magistrate! Lucy was supposed to be my wife, but she says she wants to stay a virgin for Jesus! Tell her she’s not allowed!”
The magistrate said “You’re not allowed. Now marry this young man, or I will have you sent to a brothel.”
But Lucy remained peaceful and said “I am promised to Jesus, and will remain pure for him.”
The magistrate said “Fine. Guards! Arrest her! Take her to a brothel!”
(Enter Guards)
The guards grabbed her, but found she would not budge! They pulled and pushed and tried to lift her, but she was stiff as a board and heavy as a mountain!
(Enter Cattle)
So they hitched her to two cattle, which they whipped. The cattle mooed loudly, but hard as they pulled, Lucy could not be moved.
Her fiancée said “Please Lucy, I am so in love with you! I love your eyes!”
The magistrate said “Guards, gouge out her eyes and give them to him please.” So they poked out Lucy’s eyes, and gave them to the fiancee who said "I liked them better in your face."
Miraculously Lucy's eyes grew right back! Finally the magistrate yelled at the guards "Stab her in the throat!"
And they did.
But even with a dagger in her throat, Lucy continued to rebuke the magistrate, saying “Jesus is real, and you have been very naughty. Bad boy! Bad!”
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