Abraham

Abraham, Sarah, God, Hagar, Ishmael, Isaac, Goat

Disclaimer-  Abraham is not typically considered a saint, since he lived and died before Jesus, but he is probably in Heaven so that would make him a saint anyway!

(Enter Abraham and Sarah)

There once was a man named Abraham.  He was married to a woman named Sarah.  Sarah and Abraham were very much in love, and they would spend hour looking lovingly into each other’s eyes.  But Sarah was old, and she had never had a baby.  She was so upset about this that she cried and cried. 

(Enter God)

One day God appeared to Abraham.  The crowd sang "Alleluia".

Abraham worshiped God in fear.  God said “If you obey me,  I will make you a Father of many nations. Now take your family, and leave this place for another land.”

(Exit God)

So Abraham did as he was told.  Holding hands, Abraham and Sarah skipped all the way to the Land of Canaan.  But still, no baby came. One day Sarah said Abraham, I’m never gonna have a baby.  You might as well have a baby with my servant Hagar.”

Abraham said “I could never be unfaithful to you Sarah!”

(Enter Hagar)

 But when he saw Hagar, who flipped her hair gorgeously, he said “Vavavoom!” and took Hagars hand and skipped away!

(Enter Ishmael)

So Hagar had a baby, and named him Ishmael.

(Enter God)

But God said “That’s not what I meant!  Sarah will have the baby herself!”

Sarah laughed because she thought that was ridiculous.

(God exit, enter Isaac)

But eventually Sarah did have a baby, and named him Isaac. Abraham was 100 years old!

Hagar would all get up in Sarah’s grill, saying things like “Ishmael was born first, so he’s gonna inherit everything”  And she would snap three times to indicate her bad attitude.

So Sarah went to Abraham and said “Hagar’s being mean.  Send her away.”

So Abraham said “Hagar, your services are no longer required. Please leave.”

Hagar and Ishmael left, very sad.

(Exit Hagar and Ishmael, exit Sarah, enter God)

But God said “Don’t worry, Abraham, I’ll take care of Ishmael. But his descendants and Isaacs descendants will never get along!  Now, take your son Isaac, and kill him on an altar as a sacrifice to me!”

Abraham was all “What?”

God said “C’mon, everybody is doing it! Can’t you worship me the way everyone else worships their Gods?”

(Exit God)

So Abraham took Isaac up Mount Moriah, and built an altar, and tied Isaac up, and laid him on the altar, and was about to kill him when God reappeared and said “Wait!  Don’t kill him!  Kill this goat instead!”

(Enter goat, baaing, with horns stuck in a bush)

And Abraham saw a goat, and killed it, and he and Isaac ate the meat.  Then Abraham said “God , that was messed up. “

God said “Don’t worry-  it’ll make sense in about 2000 years!”  

"St" Abraham-  pray for us!