St John Fisher

John Fisher, page, bishops (3), king, Catherine, Mary, Anne, guards (2), Cromwell, Thomas More, horses (4)

There once was a bishop in England called John Fisher.

(Enter page)

One day a page came and said “Bishop Fisher, the Bishops are all gathering to meet with the king.”

(Enter Bishops)

And so the Bishops gathered, shaking hands and saying British things like “Good day old chap”, and “we should do tea” and using the word “quite” with no apparent context.

Suddenly the page yelled “All hail King Henry!”

(enter king, Catherine and Mary)

In walked the king, swaggering as he went, and offering his hand to the front people in the audience so that they might kiss it. The Bishops honoured the king by genuflecting towards him.

He was followed by his beautiful, doting wife Catherine and their daughter Mary. They smiled and waved royally at everyone.

The Bishops said “Congratulations your majesty on being honoured by the Pope with the title “Defender of the faith”!”

The King said “Thank you!”  Then he said “I've asked you to come together to grant me a divorce from this, my wife of 10 years”.

Catherine continued smiling, but said “Wait, what?”

The King said “Now my dear, don't lose your head. If you would have had a baby boy instead of this girl…”.

Mary said “Wait, what?”

Catherine said “But, that's not my fault!...”

The King said “Don't take it personally.  It's not you, my dear.  It's me… and my new girlfriend, Anne.”

(Enter Anne)

Anne went to king Henry, hugged him, and said “Oh, Henry!  You are so manly and decisive!”

The King said “Thank you, Snooki.” and tapped Anne lightly on the nose.

The Bishops said “ok, you're majesty, you can divorce her.”

But John Fisher said “No you can't!  There's no divorce in the Catholic Church!  The marriage is valid!”

Anne stomped her foot and said “No fair!”

(Enter Cromwell)

In walked Cromwell, with a hunch back and slight limp, and he spoke like Igor.  He went to the king and said “Master!  Why would you obey the Church?  You should make the Church obey you!”

The King said “Great idea! From now on the Church must obey me instead of the pope!”

Catherine said “You can't do that!”

But the Bishops started chanting “Lock her up!  Lock her up!”

(Enter guards) so guards came in and dragged Catherine away.

John Fisher said “You can't do that!”

King Henry said “get him out of here!”  

So guards seized John Fisher and brought him to prison.

(Everyone but John and the guards leave the stage. Enter Thomas More)

So John was imprisoned, along with Thomas More

John said “What are you in for?”

Thomas said “Refusal to recognize the king as head of the Church”.

John nodded “me too”.

(Enter Page)

The page came in and said “Congratulations mister Fisher!  The pope made you a Cardinal!”

Thomas said “Lucky!  The King will have to let you go now!”

But the guards said “Nope!  Cromwell sentenced him to death!”

(Enter horses)

So the guards had him drawn and quartered, meaning they tied each of his 4 limbs to a different horse, and sent them running in 4 directions.

St John Fisher-  pray for us!